Wow, nail biter much?
Emotional finale
“Goofus” wins
Top ChefHere’s what I have to say, and really if I had to limit this post to two sentences, it would be this:
I was right. It is good to see the schlub of the family win for once.
But fortunately (or not), I don’t have to limit myself to two sentences, so you can all buckle yourself in for the usual six or seven (or, erm, nine) pages.
The first part of which will be: it was
so good, in fact, to see the schlub of the family win for once that I may actually have cried a little. Just a little.
And I’m
SHOCKED by my own reaction. Shocked. I don’t know that I’ve ever been this happy for a person I’ve never met, no matter how badly I wanted to lick their sternums.
I mean, yes, I’m
always happy when the person I want to win wins. I was happy for
Stephanie. I was happy for
LeAnne on Project Runway. I was
ecstatic for Harold.
But I was never surprised when any of them won. I
knew it was going to be a squeaker between Stephanie and Richard, and I
knew that with Tom’s irrational ginger crush on Tiffani, a
Hosea style injustice could manifest itself (although at the time, I didn’t have a term for Hosea style injustice, having not yet been exposed to the dreadful injustice that was Hosea).
I did not
for a second, not even up until the very last, not even when Padma said his name (especially after that epic fake out with Kevin, which they’ve
NEVER DONE BEFORE), think that Michael was going to win. And I had no idea just how badly I wanted him to win until he did.
And now I’m crying again. So I should just get going with this thing.
For those of you who still hate Michael, can I at least point out that there’s a bonus?
NEVER AGAIN will Hosea’s jacked up mankletoothed grill and lame ass fist pump be the last thing we see in the opening montage of winners. And we’re moving on up to something soooooo much prettier.
Oh, and one last warning: it was kind of hard for me to write this, because my stomach has been completely jacked up for three or four days now, and nothing about food sounds good. Nothing. I’m all about bland things right now, so a lot of the times when I would normally have been going “OM NOM NOM NOM NOM,” I’m currently going “oh god, that sounds like torture.”
Even Kevin’s dessert, with all the bacon. I wouldn’t want to go anywhere near it right now. That’s how bad my tum is.
Morning! As the sun rises over the
Meritage resort and spa, Kevin brushes his teeth and says he’s pumped to be in the final three. He reflects that he has the best record (5 eliminations), but Bryan’s technique is amazing and Michael is the most inventive and creative.
There’s some playful teasing, where they wonder what Jen is doing and Michael says “too bad it wasn’t Bryan.” It’s the kind of statement that could make you think he’s a cocky asshole. . if Bravo had figured out a way to edit out the facts that he’s totally kidding and his brother is right there taking it good naturedly in stride. Michael reflects that Bryan hasn’t won a quickfire, which has to be frustrating to him. Bryan is excited to see which Voltaggio is the best chef.
They roll out to the
Rutherford Hills winery where pregnant Padma and Tom await them.
Padma tells them it’s time to find out who will win $125K and the title of Top Chef.
Tom tells them that their final challenge is kind of the usual: like all the previous seasons’ finalists, they’ll cook a three course meal. But. . .there’s a
twist. For the 1st course, they’ll get a box filled with identical ingredients, and must use each ingredient in the box in their dish. This will test their creativity.
For the 2nd course, they can make anything they want with any ingredients they find in the kitchen. This does the usual finale thing of showing their philosophy and style. And for their 3rd course, they MUST make a dessert.
This is so they don’t end up with another shitty winner like Hosea who coasted past better chefs by making another meat course that trumped their desserts.
I love these changes. First, the different courses are nicely designed to test different aspects of their skill sets. Second, in the sixth season, it's about time they threw in some sort of complication. "Cook the meal of your life" has gotten just way too predictable.
Tom reminds them that this meal can make their career.
Then Padma announces that they’ll have a little help. ALL the ousted chefs show up with a knife block. Each of the finalists will get two sous—one to prep with them tonight and one to cook with them tomorrow.
Michael says that there are a couple of names that if he pulled their knife, he’d probably just slit his throat with it. Heh!
Kevin draws
Preeti , which worries him because he doesn’t know that her skill set is strong. Erm, based on her
utter fuckwittage at shucking clams in the first quickfire, I think he’s probably right. Bryan gets
Jennifer. He’s pleased, naturally. Michael gets
Jesse, who’s now blonde. He says she’s a workhorse. Yay – I really liked Jesse (plus, she had fucking fierce legs), so it’s nice that the other chefs also have a good opinion of her.
They draw for their second round. Kevin gets
Ash. Tree trunk dwellers, reunited! Bryan gets
Ashley. Michael gets
Eli. And every single one of them pretty much explodes into happy smiles that they DIDN’T get Robin. Kevin is jealous of his other two competitors because they got the people he’s most familiar with (Eli and Jen).
Tom reminds them that between the 3 of them, they’ve won 12 out of 13 elimination challenges. But. . .there’s one more to go.
They get 15 minutes to plan with both sous at
Cyrus restaurant. They open their boxes, which
are full of fish, crabs, mushrooms, crab, and anissiso. Bryan thinks the ingredients seem kind of obscure to meld together, and Michael mutters “we have to use all of that in one dish?”
The day 2 chefs leave, and the day 1 chefs stay for three hours of prep. Bryan says that Ashley comes in guns blazing and is a darn good cook. Bryan did pretty much get the dream team in terms of sous. Michael says everyone’s pretty frantic at this point, and he’s all over the place with ideas on the mystery box. Kevin says Preeti is mostly just cutting vegetables for him, and she’s having a hard time with that. He says he has 20 items on his prep list and Preeti’s doing 2.
Bravo really needs a sad trombone sound effect to underscore how lame Preeti is.
One hour left! Bryan is trying to stay focused because he thinks this isn’t the time to try new things. Michael reflects on how Bryan is more conservative than he is, and says that he has “a tendency to just do whatever I want.” Um. . . .
I told you so.
Bryan doesn’t think he’s playing it safe; he’s thinks he’s playing it smart.
Preeti is still cutting vegetables. Kevin doesn’t feel like he can rely on his sous chefs. Bryan feels really good about who he has on his team. Well, he should. He got Jen and Ashley. I like the randomness of drawing knives from ALL the chefs for sous, but at the same time, it lead to a really uneven match up. Commercial!
Back! Next day! Kevin and Bryan discuss how to share out the kitchen, and Kevin reflects that he’s lost a lot of prep time to being pissed off at Preeti. Bryan feels confident. At this point, I notice that Bryan now has tattoos on one of his forearms, which I don't remember from the rest of the season. Has hanging out with his little brother been a bad influence? Michael still has no idea what he’s making for the mystery box course. He says this is the first time he feels anxious.
A knock on the door! They all tense up, thinking that it’s going to be a curveball – an extra course, or no sous, or something. I thought so too, frankly – personally, I thought they were going to take away their three good sous and give them Robin, Jen Z. and Hector instead.
BUT IT’S THEIR MOMS. Oh my God. Oh. My. God.
So I am of two minds on this. My first instinct is to go “
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IT’S THE MOMS!!!!!” But my second instinct is to kind of feel like this is a jump the shark moment: Top Chef has finally gone to the family place. Ugh, how cheap. What is this,
Survivor? The
Bachelor?
Project Runway? Is
Jeffery going to show up and call their moms fat and passive aggressive? Because I just can’t take that.
But I quickly return to
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IT’S THE MOMS!!!!!!!!! as Mom Voltaggio buttons her boys into their chefs’ jackets and reminds them that no matter what happens, they’re still brothers. . .and best friends. And then I cry a little.
Shut up. I know I’m lame. But seriously – that was the sweetest goddamn thing ever (and yeah, I could write you another seven pages just on the cultural dynamic of Mama V basically telling them that family always comes first, but none of us need that right now).
Mom Gillespie tells Kevin to “Be the real you. Be the real Kevin.” And says she thinks he has everything it takes to beat the Voltaggios. And then I cry a little more.
They head over to Cyrus, where Tom awaits them. Bryan once again thinks “here comes the twist.” But no—
it’s their dads!!!!Just kidding. This time it actually is the twist. Tom tells them that in honor of their moms being there, they’ll add a course. It will be served first, and must be inspired by their favorite childhood dish.
Three hours! Bryan reflects on how his parents divorced at an early age, and his mom was the master of one dish meals to keep the family eating together around the table. His first course will
be a play on Tuna Noodle Casserole. I write “Burf” in my notes, and that’s partly a burf of “burf, food sounds awful right now” and partly a burf of “burf, I hate tuna noodle casserole even when I feel fantastic, which I don't.” Michael is doing a broccoli puree because he hated vegetables as a child. We see lots of adorable little Voltaggio pictures. And then my ovaries explode, and I have to patch myself back together before I finish writing.
Then we see adorable chubby teenaged Kevin pictures. His first course is going to be Chicken and Fixins, in honor of his Southern background.
We get more background on their courses. Bryan is sous vide-ing the fish for his mystery box course. Michael is poaching it in butter and creating “a scavenger hunt of flavor.” That. . . .I can’t decide if that’s an awesome way to phrase something, or just ridiculous.
(although I do plan to steal it if I ever have to clean a chicken again. “I’ve created a scavenger hunt of feathers and shafts,” is what I’ll say)
Kevin is cooking the fish in duck fat, but has problems with the tough mushrooms. He’s pleased with Ash, who is working out much better than Preeti. Granted, that could be kind of like saying “hey,
Jersey Girl was a much better J-Lo film than
Gigli,” but whatevs.
Michael’s third course is going to be a squab with textures of mushrooms. Kevin’s is slow roasted pork belly (even
that doesn’t sound good right now) because “Pork is my thing. . .that’s my jam.” When my tummy gets back to normal, I may have to get “Pork is My Jam” tattooed on my bicep.
Bryan’s third course is venison because he hunts to be more in tune with his ingredients. Oh, Bryan.
Hunting.
Tu vuo fa l’americano, si? Michael’s dessert will be a chocolate caramel coulant and textures of pumpkin. Kevin is doing a roasted banana and chocolate bacon mousse. My brain says “nom?” but my tummy can only say “burf.” Bryan’s is sheep’s milk and white chocolate dolce de leche cheesecake.
They scurry around plating, and Kevin reflects that it’s anyone’s game at this point. “It’s a crap shoot” he says, forgetting they’re not in Vegas any more. Commercial!
Back! The diners enter and Padma thinks the moms for coming and apologizes in advance for the critical things they’ll say about their sons. Mom Voltaggio says she lives in Vegas and knows where to find Tom. And I tear up a little again, because of all the nice, sweet mom things that get said in this episode,
THAT sounds the most like something my Mom would actually say.
The Chefs come out and introduce their first courses. Padma introduces the diners: Tom Colicchio; Gail Simmons; Toby Young;
Douglas Keane;
Bill Terlato;
Donatella Arpaia; Stephen
Starr;
Drew Nieporent; and
Sam Nazarian. And, of course, their moms, Kathy and Sharon, who only get the first course.
Ok, that is
CHEAP BULLSHIT, Bravo. You drag their moms all the way out there – and bear in mind, you’ve saved on airfare already because you’re only flying out two moms for three contestants – and you’re not letting them stay for the whole meal? Bastards.
Kevin presents his
Southern Fried Chicken Skin with Squash Casserole and Tomato. Mom says
it’s delicious. Bryan explains his Tuna Casserole inspired
Sardine, German Butterball Potato, Heirloom Tomato and Panko Bread Crumbs. And Michael has made a
Cream of Dehydrated Broccoli, Fried Broccoli and Spot Prawn, which he prefaces with a long story about what a picky eater he was and how his mom once gave him a trophy for eating his vegetables for a month. AW.
Tom says Kevin’s squash is so complex it’s like tasting wine. Mom Gillespie says Kevin has never served a dish to her she didn’t like. Toby Young says that Bryan’s dish reminds him of his dad’s sardines and toast. Donatella says there’s not enough acid, but Mom V. likes the panko. Some people think Michael’s spot prawn was undercooked, but Donatella liked the broccoli and loved the story behind it.
Padma then turns to Mom Voltaggio and asks “did he really hate Broccoli that much?” Mom Voltaggio takes a long pause which is punctuated with a few knowing nods, and says – kind of heavily – “Micheal hated everything.”
See?
I told you. That boy is an expert in
BREAKING HIS POOR MOTHER’S HEART. Padma then asks her which of her sons’ dishes she liked better. Mom pleads the fifth. The moms then leave through the kitchen. Mom V is worried about how her boys are feeling and just wants to “scoop ‘em in. Like a mother duck.”
Sniff.
Kevin’s mom wants him to show the world what a southern boy can do “how you can take simple food and turn it into something fabulous.” Augh. Alright, I’m sorry: I’m sick of everyone acting like doing simple food as fine dining is something new and different. It. Has. Been. Done. To death. I’m not saying it’s not a good and worthwhile thing to do, or that I don’t LOVE that kind of food myself. But stop acting like you’re starting a revolution.
The boys come back out with their mystery box course. Kevin has made a
Pacific Rockfish, 
Roasted Squash, Crab Broth and Roasted Matsutake Mushroom. Bryan’s is a
Rockfish Sous Vide, Kabocha Squash with Curry and Meyer Lemon. Michael has used his ingredients to prepar a
Dashi-Glazed Rockfish, Sweet and Sour Crab Salad with Squash and Meyer Lemon.
Donatella thought the broth was the star of Kevin’s, but didn’t care for the mushroom. Terlotta felt like he needed a hatchet to eat the mushroom. Someone –either Sam Nazarian or Stephen Starr compares Bryan’s to “a blind date you don’t want to go on. Everything is bland” but the other one says his fish was the best cooked. Gail thinks his dish was safest. Tom thought Michael’s combination of Meyer Lemon and squash was amazing. It was Douglas Keane’s’s favorite dish.
The Chef’s choice course is next. Kevin has celebrated his love for pork by making
Slow Roasted Pork Belly with Brussels Sprouts, Broccoli and Caramelized Ham Jus. Bryan has made
Venison Saddle with Purée of Sunchokes and Orange Juniper Sauce. And Michael’s is
Fennel-Scented Squab Breast, Pistachio Cassoulet and Textures of Mushrooms.
Padma points out that no one can say
this course of Bryan’s is underseasoned. Drew Nierporent says it was perfect and Tom thinks it showed a lot of work. Someone thinks Michael’s squab is excellent. Donatella finds his mushrooms – which have been
pureed and then reformed into mushroom shapes -- gimmicky. They seem to like Kevin’s sauce, but think his pork belly is undercooked.
Back in the kitchen, there’s a little bit of dessert drama as Michael realizes that not only has Eli overfilled his cake pans, but Michael himself has overcooked them. Gulp.
They head in to present their desserts. Kevin’s is a
Roasted Banana, Toasted Peanut with Chocolate Bacon Mousse and Bacon Brittle. Bryan’s is a
"Dulce de 
Leche" Cheesecake with Fig Sorbet, Poached Pear and Basil. Finally, Michael’s is a
Chocolate Caramel Coulant, Butternut Squash Brûlée and Butternut Ice Cream. Ok, can we add to the list of things I’m kind of sick of on
Top Chef “’rustic’ little blobs of ice cream”? It’s getting played out to the point where it’s just as passé as a traditional scoop.
(in a joke no one but others who grew up in Arizona will understand: I’m rooting for someone to bring the squared off ice cream scoop from Thrifty Drug into vogue. Whatever, though – anything but those stupid, slug like blobs)
Starr complains about Kevin’s that while he knows it’s the thing, he doesn’t want pork in his dessert. Tom thinks the banana was not enough. Starr loves the pumpkin seeds on Michael’s but Keane thinks the cake is dry and needs more fat. Tom thinks the caramel has reabsorbed too much from sitting. Gail loves Bryan’s fig sorbet, and they all agree that the cake was pleasant.
Padma thanks all three of them for a great meal. Kevin liked the food he served tonight. They all hug. Bryan feels like his dishes today expressed the philosophy of his food. Michael feels like he didn’t do as “good as he could’ve.” In other news, his grammar isn’t as well as it could be either. Commercial.
Back! The chefs are in the Napa stew room. Kevin thinks Michael and Bryan both had a good night but his execution is seamless. Bryan felt good about his food and is confident and excited. Michael is nervous about his dish. They go to judges table.
Wait, that was the fakeback? That
sucked. It just repeated the last fifteen seconds of the previous segment, almost verbatim. Lame.
Back! Judges’ Table. Because Gail and Tom are sitting next to each other, I notice that they
match, prom style – she has a purple dress, he has a purple shirt and tie. Adorbs.
Bryan tells them about his mystery box course. Toby thought the fish was well cooked, but didn’t find that there was enough contrast, and says that the hallmark of Bryan’s dishes is restraint—everything’s well executed, but nothing feels bold. Gail was happy with his venison, and Tom says the flavors were great and it was his most successful dish.
Moving to Kevin, they ask about his first dish. Padma tells him it had a lot of flavor. Tom compliments the complexity of the squash. Padma asks about the pork dish. Because of Kevin’s dedication to pork, Toby expected the dish to be an absolute knock out, and it wasn’t. Tom thinks it could’ve been taken a step further by putting a roasted piece of pork with the dish.
Padma asks about Michael’s mystery box dish, and Toby says he loved the Matsutakie mushrooms and the pickled tomatoes. Tom thought the fish was well cooked, and the dish had many layers of flavor. Michael then admits that he overcooked the cakes. Toby says he liked the pumpkin seeds. Gail agrees that the cake was really dry, but the flavors were great and it was almost a great dessert.
Padma asks each of them to tell her why they deserve to be Top Chef. Oy, I hate this part.
Bryan says that his dishes showed a lot about his style and what he believes food is. Michael replies that he just doesn’t want Bryan to be
Top Chef. There’s a lot of laughter. Oh my god, he’s so adorable.
Growing serious, he tells them that “food is me,” and that it’s how he expressed himself, and he’s never gotten a paycheck for anything else. He loves what he does.
And I want to lick him. Wife or no wife or whatever, I just want to eat a giant plate of his food and then lick his neck.
Kevin says that loves food and its ability to bring people together. He hopes his food is soulful and speaks to who he is.
Padma dismisses them. Michael says none of them are completely stoked about what they did, but Kevin says “I know you don’t want to count your chickens before they’ve hatched,” but that if he was a betting man, his money would be on Michael.
Wow,
really? Because at this point in the show, I pretty much felt like Kevin was or at least should be out of it, but just assumed that with him out, Bryan would win. To me, based on the diners’ comments and what the judges said, it sounded like Kevin took the first course, Michael took the Mystery Box course, Bryan took dessert and the brothers kind of had a close race on the Chef’s Choice. But it did sound – to me – like Bryan had the edge. And, of course, I was still assuming that they’d never let Michael win.
The judges discuss the first course. Kevin’s was the most interesting to eat. Bryan had a good idea but Tom says it was bland . However, it was Toby’s favorite. Tom didn’t like Michael’s either.
They move on to the mystery box. Tom says that Michael used the ingredients better than the others and was more imaginative. Toby says Kevin messed up the Mushroom but the broth was good. Gail said that Bryan’s had no highs or lows, but also had no texture.
For the third course, Gail couldn’t find a flaw in Bryan’s dish. Toby thinks it was the strongest thing Bryan did, but not as memorable as Michael’s squab. They know Kevin is capable of more than his pork belly.
Finally, we reach dessert. Tom is bothered that Michael didn’t make his dessert right and knew it, but Gail—who kind of sounds like she’s choking up a little – says it had great flavors; Toby didn’t like Kevin’s dish and Tom didn’t think it was a complete dessert. He liked Bryan’s, and Gail calls it restrained, subtle, and sophisticated.
Oh, it is such a brother race. Commercial!
Oooooooh, first ad for the reunion. I’m dying to know why Kevin says that he had to compromise his integrity.
Another commercial reminds me of something I’m really going to miss about the season. I’m sad that we won’t get to see the
Top Chef ads where Michael and Bryan duel and Michael’s weapon is a rolling pin.
BACK!!!!! Padma reviews the prize money. Tom says the season took them from the glitz of the Vegas strip to the sterile beauty of wine country. He then assesses their strengths. Bryan delivered a stellar roster of well constructed dishes and a great dessert. Michael put together amazingly creative dishes that reached high and often delivered. Kevin showed them that southern food is about more than biscuits and gravy.
Padma says “Kevin. . . “ and my heart drops and my lips start forming the words
“you’re fucking
kidding” and I prepare to throw something at the TV. Because as much as I would’ve been ok with him winning before this challenge, his work tonight was clearly below par.
But Padma finally follows up her deathly long pause with “you are
not the
Top Chef.” And I exhale and drop the shoe I'm poised to fling at the screen.
Kevin says it sucked that one bad day ruined it for him, and he’s proud of making it this far and of losing to people as good as the Voltaggios. His mom tells him he did a good job and kisses his bald spot. Aw.
Tom tells the brothers it’s been a pleasure to watch both of them and says it’s got to be emotional for them to be the last two standing. They nod woodenly. Oh my god, Bravo editors, I love you so much for that cut. Bryan says he can’t think of a prouder moment. Michael agrees.
Padma says. . . .Michael. . . .is
TOP CHEF!!!! Oh my god.
Oh my god.The brothers have a big long hug. Michael is more proud of the fact that he and Bryan made it to the end than he is of winning. He wishes both of them could have won.
Mom V comes in and cries and hugs Michael first for a long time, and then she hugs Bryan. And Michael does the tear wiping thing that guys do, the one where they kind of dig at their eyes like they’re a little mad at themselves for crying, but still defying you to go ahead and try to judge them for it, and says “there’s the emotion you’ve been waiting for, Padma.”
Bryan’s disappointed in himself, but proud of his little brother. The other chefs come in and cheers them. Michael hugs Jesse, who I still barely recognize from being blonde. He says it’s been a strange process, but it’s been worth it because it got him in touch with who he is as a person and a cook.
And that’s the end of the episode, with no previews of the reunion to tantalize or infuriate us. So for now, I get to go bed just extremely, extremely happy.
Congratulations to all three of the finalists – you all turned it out in a
big way, and you’ve really washed away the sour taste of last season’s finale.
But especially congratulations to Michael, the 6th
Top Chef.
I still want to lick you.
My parents love me.
It looks goooooooood, right?
It is good. It is SO good. It has a delightful bacony/balsalmicy flavor. I plan on eating it on many, many different things in the New Year -- nay, the new decade.
