Project Runway: New York is in the Mutha-Effing House. Of Fashion.

Goodbye, Christiane.
Girl, you made no impression
But tacky/quiet.

It’s back, my loveable clinging limpets!

Except . . . we have yet to see what’s back, right? Is it the show we loved and cherished for oh so many years, or is it the logical successor to last season? I know that all the forward press I’ve seen for this season has been good, but I feel like it’s too soon to tell.

I mean, I’ve already heard people talking about how great this episode was, but 1) really? What are you basing this on? Did anything even happen last night, beyond eleventy million designers being introduced, quickly making dresses, and then doing a runway show before anyone really had time to process their names? And b) maybe it’s just me, but while I totally agree with the winner and loser, I think that some of the judges’ other selections show signs of the same levels of tacky ass crack smoking we saw last season.

So I’m reserving judgment.

I mean, not really. I’m still going to be horribly judgey, but I’m not going to go all “OMG, teh reelz Project Runway is BACK, bitchez” or anything just yet.

So. Let’s get to it.

The DVR seems to have cut off the first 30 seconds or so of the episode, so our version (and maybe yours too?) opens with the designers arriving. With blinding speed (because that’s the only way to fit them all in), we are introduced to:

Seth Aaaron, who likes to add elements to vintage clothes. By the midway point of the show, my group will start referring to him as “Keith Richards”, which is completely unfair since he’s only 38. But he does look like he’s lived every day of those 38 years.

Janeane is from Portland. She dorks out about being in New York for the first time, and cries a lot. We start calling her “Liz Lemon,” and one of my friends says “spoiler alert – she wins” the moment her name tag appears on screen. So, there you have it folks. Two minutes into the season, a totally unverified, unsourced, and unsubstantiated prediction.

Ping is a physical therapist and a designer. She says being a physical therapist helps her understand how the body works.

Ben went to school for comic book design.

Anthony, or Big Gay Anthony, appears in a tragic gold tux shirt and works really hard at making himself a caricature. We start calling him “Tyler Perry,” and any segment that features him is “Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Family Runway, starring Tyler Perry; produced by Tyler Perry; written and directed by Tyler Perry; with Tyler Perry and Tyler Perry. “

Remind me some time to write about how much I loathe Tyler Perry. The real one, not Anthony. Or at least, not YET.

Moving on, we get Jay, who is 31 and from San Francisco.

Anna is just adorable. That’s all I’ve written down about her. Actually, I wrote down “adorbs,” which is, if anything, even less informative.

Jonathan growls at the camera, which kind of endears him to me.

Then there’s my possible all time favorite, Jesse Le Noir. Jesse Le Noir has a name that’s crying out for a lucrative porn career, and he used to play Jack Sparrow at Disneyland.

Mila is a costume designer.

Maya likes fashion that takes risks. Which is the dumbest thing ever to say to distinguish yourself, when you think of it. Most designers aren't known for liking fashion that plays it safe.

Christiane has absolutely nothing next to her name. That’s how little of an impression she made before she left. Spoiler alert!

Jesus has very sincere eyebrows, and looks kind of like a Mexican Elvis. So we call him that, or “Jesus” with the English pronunciation.

Emilio is like Epperson's secret younger brother, and/or alternate identity so he can come back and compete again this season and maybe not get the shaft.

Finally, there’s Amy, who is Iranian.

(Except not finally, because I seem to have missed Pamela? Because in her bio she says her favorite designer is God, and I was too busy yelling "that's the one whose favorite designer is God!" and pointing at the screen when she came on to take any notes).

The designers get the inevitable invitation to join Heidi and Tim on the roof of the Atlas apartments. Heidi welcomes them back to New York fairly effusively, though she stops short of actually apologizing for dragging the show out to L.A. and turning it into a festival of tackiness and mediocrity. But maybe that’s just because this season started taping before she realized how much people were going to start hating her last season.

She introduces Tim, who tells them that they’re the most innovative group of designers the show has ever had. Well, that’s. . .something. They have their inevitable champagne toast, and Heidi makes the almost inevitable announcement that she’ll be having cider because she’s pregnant. Again.

There are jokes in the living room about Seal cubs and clubbing them which seemed hilarious at the time, but in the cold grey light of 5:50 a.m., just sounds like animal cruelty. So we’ll let that slide.

On screen, they do the getting to know you bullshit. Tim tells them that tomorrow they’ll meet him in Central Park to learn about the first challenge.

So cut to the next morning. They all turn up in Central Park, where there’s just a shitload of fabric sitting around on benches and in bins. Tim welcomes them and tells them they’ve got 100s of yards of fabric to choose from, and 3 minutes to grab as much of it as they can. They’ll then take it back to Parsons and design a look that should embody who they are.

Fabric flurry! Emilio tells the cameras that the designers run for the fabric like “fat people at an open buffet in Vegas.” Heh. It's funny because it's completely sizeist (seriously -- you want to see someone houseing an open buffet, unloose me on it my first year in grad school -- my 115 lbs, 22 year old, broke-ass self would've eaten her weight and lined her pockets with the leftovers).

After their three minutes are up, Tim tells them that they now have their first opportunity to edit: they have to select only 5 of their fabrics to take with them . This is very confusing to Ping, who somehow finds herself enmeshed in a bolt of diaphanous red crap as a result of trying to edit.

Commercial!

Back! Parsons! Tim tells them about the Brother sewing room next door, and that they now all have an HP touch screen notepad to sketch on. Because there wasn't enough product placement before. Their models have been preassigned. They have until midnight tonight and a little bit of tomorrow to work, and the winner will get immunity.

Fashion flurry! Ping drapes on herself because she thinks her designs look best on a body.

We’re told they have 8 hours left. Shortly thereafter, Tim sends their models in for 30 minutes.

At this point, it becomes painfully clear that Jesus/Mexican Elvis/”Jesus” has designed what can only be called a poop dress. It’s a short brown dress with a brown train coming out the back. A brown scarf train, that starts at a point right about where the model’s anus would be, and then widens out as it flows down the runway behind her.

The models leave. More sewing! Tim through!

Beginning with Christiane, he looks at all of the details on her dress and asks her whether not having something would hurt it. He then moves on to Ping, who is clearly insane, and wearing about 30 lbs of fabric on her body. Tim responds to her using the exact neutral voice you use if you ever get drawn into conversation with a clearly disturbed but benign homeless person outside of Safeway.

Seth Aaron loves zippers. Ok. Janeane has some sort of dress that my notes describe as either “pukey,” “puckery” or “flocky.” Anthony tells Tim he’s “wonderfully well,” and then shows him a really grotesque looking dress.

Tim is concerned about Mexican Elvis’s poop dress. Well, it’s a poop dress, Jesus. What did you expect? Finally, Emilio only has an unfinished top.

Tim tells them they have 2 hours left. Janeane cries again. Everyone in the living room yells for Jonathan to take his shirt off. Mila criticizes Christiane’s construction.

Jonathan interviews that “Ping’s outfit is. . . very Ping. Ping may go home.”

Tim then sends in the models for their product placement exercises.

Jesus’s model likes the poo dress, somehow. We get a good look at Anthony’s dress for the first time, and one of the gays says “THAT is PEE-GEE county.”

(That’s a gift for those of you in the DC metro area. The rest of you should google “Prince George’s County Maryland” to find out what it means)

Commercial!

Back! Runway! Heidi introduces the prizes, which have been expanded to include a $50,000 HP office suite. Then she introduces the judges: Top American designer Michael Kors; Editor at Large for Marie Claire Magazine, Nina Garcia, and Nicole Richie. Nicole Richie looks like death warmed over. I hope this was filmed right after she’d had the second kid or something, because there is NO other excuse for looking that wrecked. Anyway, we’re all so busy exclaiming over that that I miss Heidi’s rationalization for having her as a guest judge on the program.

Let’s start the show!

The first thing out is Jonathan’s, which is a black spacey looking dress. It’s ok. Seth Aaron has made a gingham picnic whore ensemble with a blood red zipper running straight up the ass crack. What is it with colored zippers running up the ass crack? Is that really a part of the anatomy we want to highlight, ladies?

Jesus has transformed his short cocktail dress to a long evening dress. So now instead of looking like she is pooping, the model looks like one giant poop. For Ben’s dress, I write down “Space Whores of the 23rd century.”

Jay has designed a costume for a younger Hedda Lettuce. Pamela’s is a crappily made hot pink DVF rip off. Emilio’s is an adorable purple dress. Jesse Le Noir’s is a cocktail dress/suit thingy of suiting material--it looks really ordinary until he takes the jacket off to reveal a red satin blouse. Then suddenly, it becomes stunning. I really like it.

Ping, who we’ve started calling Yoko, appears to have sent a pile of fabric down the runway. That’s the only way I can describe it.

Christiane’s dress is horribly tacky, and reminds me of Qristyl with a Q from last season. Reminding me of Qristyl with a Q is never good. Also, one of the gays says she looks like she's "waiting for the bus at P.G. Plaza" which is a shady mall in Prince George's County.

Amy has made a dress from NASCAR flags. Janeane/Liz Lemon has designed a beige and black thing that is ok but too boxy. Mila’s has an awesome capelet jacket.

Anthony has designed a costume for a girl in the 3rd line of the chorus in a High School Production of 42nd Street. In P.G. County. It’s that awful, that costumey, and that poorly made.

Anna -- or, as my notes call her, “other white girl,” – has made a yellow dress. Finally, Maya’s is a beige thing with a shoulder explosion.

On the runway, Heidi calls Amy, Anna, Ben, Janeanne, Jay, Jesse, Jonathan, Maya, Mila, and Pamela. They are SAFE. They leave the runway.

The judges start the conversations with Anthony/Tyler Perry as Anthony. Heidi likes the bottom, but not the top. Kors points out that not a lot of women are going to want to wear an “appendage” on their hip.

Seth Aaron/Keith Richards mysteriously calls his look “Little Tokyo,” despite the fact that there’s nothing recognizably Asian-y about it. If I’d named it, I would’ve called it “Slutty Americana” or “Trampy Farm Girl on the Rag” (because of the blood trail/zipper down the back). Anyway, Nicole Richie mysteriously says he made everything work. Heidi, unmysteriously (since she loves the tacky crap) thinks it’s fun and has a point of view. And in a turn so baffling that it literally knocks me out of my seat, Nina loves the back.

Just kill me now. If they’re rewarding menstrually inspired dresses right off the bat, I can’t survive.

Turning to Ping/Yoko, Nicole Richie calls it “a show within itself” and says she’d wear it. Now I REALLY hope she’s crazed with post pregnant hormones in this episode. Or she has the flu, because I can see how wearing something that resembles a giant pile of sheets would be appealing when you have the flu. Nina returns to sanity and says it looks uncomfortable, but Kors calls it a great opening project.

Jesus/Mexican Elvis/”Jesus” singlehandedly restores my faith in Kors/Nina with their responses.

Kors says it looks like “a huge crocodile trunk exploded on an evening gown.” Nina adds “she looks like a Hershey chocolate bar.”

Moving to Christiane, Nina likes the draping, but isn’t crazy about the combination of fabric.

Finally, Heidi compliments Emilio’s weaving. Nina likes the technical work and thinks it would have great hanger appeal. Nicole Richie loves the full skirt.

The judges send the designers off so they can confer.

Beginning with Anthony, Nina says there’s a problem between the choice of fabric and the silhouette. Heidi calls Christiane’s dress unsophisticated. Nicole Richie kind of liked Jesus’s, but Kors points out that it had all of the clichés of “wow, isn’t that glamorous. . .in a lounge, in Las Vegas, in 1972.”

HA!

Then they move on to the ones they – sometimes bafflingly – like. They want to know what Seth Aaron is about. Um. . . picnics, whores, and menstruation? That’s just my first impression.
Moving to Emilio—who everyone in the living room loves so far – Nicole Richie loves the cut. Heidi found it too sweet, but Nina defends his choice of fabric as “smart.” Finally, Kors says he was “transported” by Ping’s look. Me too, Michael – it transported me back to a time last week when it was 30 degrees out and I had that awful cold and I couldn’t do anything but stay in bed under 6 different blankets.

Commercial!

Back! Heidi tells them that one of them will be the winner. . . and one of them. . . will be AUWT.

Ping is in. Emilio. . .is the winner! Yay! He thinks winning the first challenge both throws down the gauntlet and puts a target on his back.

Seth Aaron is in. Anthony is in. For some reason, he double checks to make sure she said in. Heidi replies “I said EEN. Before I change my mind, Auf Weidersehn. Leave the Runway.”

WOW.

So it’s down to Christiane and Jesus. Christiane’s had issues with fabric and construction, and gave the judges no idea who she was. Jesus chose the wrong fabric and the wrong garment.

Ultimately, though, Jesus makes for better TV and they learned their lesson last season about eliminating all of the interesting characters too early in the season. So Jesus is EEN, and Christiane is AUWT.

Next week! Let’s see what you’re made of! A farm! Flabbergasted! Ping cries!