Project Runway: Old McHeidi Had A Farm, Ee-I-Ee-I-Oh

Dress was to “dye” for
Her favorite designer –
God – could not save Pam.

So to get a little business out of the way first, muffins, I had what I’m hoping was a 24 hour virus yesterday, and ended up watching Project Runway from my bed, alone, rather than surrounded by gays. And also I was in kind of a horrible mood from that ridiculous travesty of a clip show The Office had put me through an hour earlier. What the hell, Office? What’s next? A different stupid guest star every week, like Will & Grace? Clip shows are not a good sign, assholes.

So long story short, this recap should be super coherent, if less full of hilarity than usual.

Anyway. I’m kind of bummed that Pamela is gone. Not because I thought she was at all talented, but because now we’ll never get to hear the story of why she thought answering “God” to the question “who is your favorite designer?” on the application form for a fashion competition could possibly be a good idea. Also, I feel like she probably had a whole lot of untapped crazy that we never got to witness.

And also, I feel like the AUFs so far kind of show the opposite problem from last season. Last season, as you may recall, they got rid of two interesting but clearly whackadoo designers first, leaving us with that festival of boring crap and bucktoothed trannies that ended up dominating the runway.

This season, on the other hand, they’ve let go of two designers whose worst sin was being boring and tacky, and they’re protecting Jesus/Mexican Elvis/”Jesus,” who’s been in the bottom both weeks and seems to be designing strictly for the Lizard Queen. And they’re also keeping Ping, who got praised to high heaven for her exploded laundry bag couture last week, and this week sent her model pretty well bare-assed down the runway.

So I worry that the pendulum may be swinging too far back in the opposite direction. But we’ll see. It’s only two weeks in. I’m not going to start yelling just yet.

Let’s get going, then.

Morning! New York! Atlas Apartments! Oh, it’s still so nice to be home, isn’t it kiddos? The boys are sleeping and Emilio beats Jesus with a pillow. Jesus did not enjoy or expect being in the bottom 3. Someone else shows off their counting skillz by saying “challenge #2 is up next.”

Pamela has the realization that saying goodbye is going to happen one by one to everyone. Oh, here we go with the overstating the obvious again. Anna hopes their next challenge is something really New York.

Runway. Heidi gives them a subdued hello. Seriously, it’s like she’s dialed it back to about a two. Anyway, she reminds them that Emilio has immunity. In their next challenge, they want to see what the designers are made of. So they’re going on a field trip “to a place that is. . . a little out there.”

Janeanne thinks this could mean they’re going to “the moon” or “a Broadway show.” Um, ok, kiddo. Sure, they’re going to send you to the moon. That’s a totally logical assumption.

But no. It’s a farm. And Tim is there with all their models, who are all wearing potato sacks.

Tim tells them “you’ve heard the expression she’s so beautiful she’d even look good in a potato sack?” The designers get to prove that . The challenge is to make a party look from the potato sack. Plus, their models are their clients, and they’re wearing the look to an industry event.

Ok. . . this is the point at which I may start losing patience with this season. They just DID “make an outfit for your model to wear to an unspecified ‘industry event’” in season 6. Making it out of burlap is a twist, yes.. . .but a very minor twist. And it’s still fabric. It’s not the same as making a dress out of groceries or car parts.

Anyway, in a better twist, the models get to pick the designers they want to work with. Nice. That’s something I was hoping for last season, just to shake things up a little, and I think it’s good to do it now when model/designer loyalties haven’t quite set in.

So some model named Casey picks first. She chooses Jay; Jay is so happy about this that he cartwheels through manure. Ew.

And then all the models pick, but Tim doesn’t call their names and I can’t be bothered to remember because really, they’re just the models. And it’s not that I don’t watch Models of the Runway, it’s that I never watch it on time, and also that I really only watch the twenty minutes of tedious plot (seriously, last night the “old” models were mad at the “young” models for interacting with people at a party. What?) and model interaction to get through to the five minutes of model picking that I wish they’d never moved from Project Runway in the first place, because frankly, I care a whole freaking lot more about the designers’ reasons behind the picking than I do the models’ reactions to being picked.

Apparently they’re all sticking with the designers they had previously, so. . .BOORING.

Anyway, some model named Alexis spices things up by changing designers from Mila to Anthony. Mila is PISSED. Alison, who’d had Anthony, then has to change, so she picks Amy. Then Amy’s old model Valeria chooses Janeane, which makes Mila the last one standing. She ends up with some pale Wednesday Addams looking girl named Lorena.

They get to shop at a farm stand. WHAT? Is this Top Chef? Have I gotten my seasons confused? Did I fall asleep on the remote and wake up with the channel on Bravo? Where’s Tom and Padma.

Ok, so the farm stand has ribbons and notions and things, not berries and herbs and shit, like I was expecting. What the hell kind of farm is this, where models are the livestock and notions are the produce? They try to consult with their models while “shopping”. Amy finds taking her model’s input challenging. Ping wants to play with the texture of the sack. Mila is glad that she and Wednesday Addams have the same kind of aesthetic. Tyler Perry as Anthony thinks Alexis is very verbal about what she wants. He wants to make her happy “without sacrificing my thing here. Period.”

Tim tells them to grab their potato sacks and follow him. One of the gays texts me “Thank you, moo!” and then texts again to clarify that this is what they think Tim says as they leave the farm. I laugh out loud. Now I hate my stomach bug more than ever.

Parsons! Potato sack fashion flurry. Maya thinks the real challenge is making the potato sack look expensive.

Tim enters, and tells them not to lose sight of who they are as a designer, even though the models are the clients. They have until midnight.

Emilio thinks that this is a great challenge to have immunity on. Jesus says his model Brittany “wants a hoochy sexy dreaaaay-us.” Oh, Jesus. And by that I mean “Oh, Christ, prepare for a tacky fest,” not “Oh, Hay-soos, you rascal.”

Pamela is dying her sack. Heh. Sack.

Ben is making a voluminous inverted flower dress. Mila wonders if her former model wasn’t happy with her, and says to Anthony “it’s funny that she would pick you over me, because I thought we got along well.” She also says “it’s her loss,” and Anthony does a bitchy jaw drop and interviews “Mila can kiss me and my entire family’s asses.”

Ok. Now I’m kind of liking Tyler Perry as Anthony in Diary of a Mad Black Designer. But I still hate the actual Tyler Perry. Commercial!

Oh my god, the world premiere movie The Pregnancy Pact is only two days away. I know how I’m spending MY Saturday evening! Or not.

Back! Ping knows her way of working is very different, but she feels comfortable with it after being in the top 3 last time. Anna does a potato print on the fabric. Ok, remember how I said last time that the only thing I’d written down about Anna was “Adorbs”? I stand by that. She and her whole way of being. . . just ridiculously cute.

Tim thru! He starts with Pamela, and compliments her ombre dye. He does question whether her look should be one piece from a logistical/time/fit aspect.

Mila seems to have nothing but some paper with squiggles. He questions her decision to put tulle around the neck because the model wanted. Jay is trimming and dying everything, and Tim questions whether he’ll have the time.

Now for Ping. She is carving a necklace into the dress. . .or something. Tim tells her “I find it intriguing.” Ping replies “yes, I know. I’m always intriguing.” Tim also warns her not to make the skirt so short that the judges have model vadge all up in their faces. I mean, Tim says it a lot more eloquently than that, but it’s the same sentiment.

Amy has done a paneled skirt and is concerned about time. She explains what her model wants and Tim reminds her “if the judges don’t like the look, it won’t matter that your model does.”

Jesus is concealing his burlap with ribbon. Tim sees this as a problem because “it’s not intended to be a potato sack undergarment. . .I would say, forgive the pun, you’ve skirted the challenge.”

Jesus then blithely ignores him. Oh, Jesus. You may walk on water and all that good stuff, but seriously. When Tim talks, you mother effing listen.

Tim sends in the models. Ping makes sure her model’s buttocks are covered. Keith Richards says her construction skillz scare him.

Brittany loves Jesus’s dress, but shares Tims concerns. Alexis wants Anthony to put blue buttons on a cocktail dress. Anthony is not having any of this. Mila’s new model is chill, so she feels blessed to have had Alexis diss her.
Jonathan says people who are dying their burlap are at a time disadvantage. As though on cue, Jay’s material comes out navy blue, which I guess is not what he wanted. Commercial!

Does anyone else think the entire cast of Extraordinary Measures must’ve lost some horrible bet? I mean, it just looks like the worst movie ever.

Back! Day of Runway show! Pamela reflects on the things she has left to do and says she doesn’t want to end up having to sew her model into her dress. Jay freaks out about the fact that he has a lot to do.

Parsons! Sacking flurry! Janeane is stressed for time, but manages not to cry this week.

Tim enters! They have two hours to whore out their models for product placement purposes.

Models! Ben says that his model fell in love with the look the second she saw it. Amy says everyone is panicked, and half the people are going to have to sew people into the dress. Jonathan thinks Ping’s garment is not functional and doesn’t cover the model’s ass. But Ping seems unworried, so he muses “maybe there’s supposed to be an ass flap?”

I would LOVE it if there was supposed to be an ass flap. Can we make that a challenge for season 8? “Designers, today you’ll be putting your spin on an iconic garment: poop chute jammies. Your garment MUST be made of flannel, and it MUST have a functioning ass flap. Make it work!”

Anthony is shocked by Pamela’s model’s big ole’ butt, or at least the fact that it looks that way in her garment. Janeanne can’t get her model zipped. Everyone runs around insanely.

Tim tells them he “never dreamed that humble potato sacks could look this grand.” He also tells them to bring their equipment with them, because they’re heading down to the runway now. Commercial!

Back! Runway! Heidi reminds them what the prizes are, and introduces the judges – Michael, Nina, and Lauren Hutton! Let’s start the show.

Anthony’s dress is a flirty little cocktail dress in a warm pinkish color. I like it – mostly because I love the color--but I think it looks like a lot of fun with the little pouf to the skirt. The length is a little cheap looking, though.

Ping’s . . . looks like a potato sack with an ass flap. Lifetime, classy folks that they are, actually show us a flash of model crack as the girl walks back up the runway.

Ben’s is a really classic looking reddish pink dress with one shoulder and a full skirt. It’s kind of Audrey Hepburn. I like it. Mila’s is kind of a leatherette looking thing with space aged silver panels down the front.

Anna’s potato print technique comes out looking like burn-out velvet. The effect is cute, but the dress is just meh. Jesse LeNoir has made riding breeches with vest. Ok. I know I joked about loving him for his pornalicious name, but I also actually quite like what he’s done so far.

Seth Aaron has made an Eskimo from the future. It’s a sundress with a hood. Amy’s is a GORGEOUS flower looking dress in shades of brown. Janeanne’s is a dark grey dress with red accents.

Jay’s, despite his panic, is a hot little dark dress that has a feathered/Busby Berkley musical number thing going on. I kind of covet it.

Emilio has disappointed me this time with a blah tan and red halter dress. Jesus’s is a green lizard looking skirt with brown top. Why does everything he make look like lizards? Jonathan’s is a beige halter dress with lace down the front. It’s kind of ‘90’s trampy girl at homecoming.

Maya’s is an odd multicolored thing. Finally, Pamela has made a very ordinary strapless blue denim looking thing. It kind of looks like what the girls who tramped around with the shit kickers would’ve worn at my high school. In Arizona. In 1993.

Heidi calls out Pamela, Mila, Ping, Jay, Jesus, and Amy. They’re on the runway – everyone else is safe.

Out come the models. Starting with Jay, he tells the judges he loves to make patterns. Kors thought he’d cheated aft first because it’s so well done. Lauren Hutton tells him his design is “nicely abstract; lovely.”

Moving to Pamela, Nina says her dress is “too short and too tight. It also looks almost not sophisticated.” Kors tells Pamela “a plain potato sack would look more flattering on her.” He does say that her dye job is beautiful. Heidi asks the model if she’ll be comfortable going to an event in that. Her model says“uh. . .”

DAMN. The model totally sold her out.

Mila tells them she pushed herself to make a futuristic/modern dress out of farm material. Heidi loves it. Of course she does – it’s tight and shiny. If it were short, it would’ve hit her trifecta. Kors doesn’t like the gaping at the top of the dress. Heidi replies “I like that it gapes, that you can sort of see a little bit boobie here and there.” Holy god, could this woman be any tackier? Anyway, Nina says it’s “fantastic.”

Ping expected her model’s skin color to contrast more. Ping then cries. Her model comforts her. Then they talk about the ass factor. Heidi tells her “you do have an edgy eye. . .but does it really translate to real fashion?”

Heidi asks Jesus what percentage of his look is sacking and what’s other material. He says the bodice is sack and the skirt is layered ribbon. Heidi doesn’t see enough of the challenge in his outfit. Lauren Hutton tells him “dresses should be like paintings. And that’s sort of a very confused assault on the eye painting.”

I kind of love Lauren Hutton.

Amy talks about wanting to retain the organic quality of the burlap. Kors tells her that she “used the fabric but made it flirty and feminine” without trying to disguise it.

Heidi sends them off.

Heidi thinks this challenge is fantastic. Ugh. Stop overselling, Heidi. It’s better than the lazy ass bullshit "make a pretty dress" challenges you had them doing last season, but it’s not all that.

Starting with the positives, Nina loves the transformation in Jay’s. Lauren Hutton loves how he made the burlap light.

On Mila’s Heidi thought it was amazing and loved it. Kors thought it was “edgy and hot.” Nina thought it was a real collaboration between Mila and the model.

Amy’s was sophisticated and chic. Kors says she let you “see the potato sack so that you knew it was potato sack, but she’d transformed it.” Lauren Hutton is very impressed.

On the bad side, Kors was bothered about the way the color stopped on the skirt and made the ass asymmetrical. Yeah, “asymmetrical ass” is not something I look for in a cocktail dress. Nina says all they’ve seen from him is brown and pea green.

Heidi doesn’t know if Ping is using a language barrier as an excuse; Kors thinks she doesn’t listen. Lauren Hutton thinks if she’d been able to line her garment, it would’ve been something.

Well, it would’ve at least been something with the ass covered instead of hanging out to yonder for the good lord and all the little fishies to see, that’s for damn sure.

Kors questions Pamela’s creativity and the fact that her dress made her model look like a giant size 8 fatty. Heidi thought it was well made, and they all agree that the dying was incredible.

Commercial!

Back! Amy is in. Jay turned a burlap potato sack into a beautiful and sophisticated cocktail dress. Mila did amazing things with her material.

Jay is in. . .AND the winner of the challenge.

Yay! Two weeks in a row where I agree with the winner! This is a good start!
Anwyay, Jay does a little thank you dance and jumps around behind the scrim. Then he goes back stage and screams “I woooooon”

Mila is in. Ping is in, despite having sent a bare assed model down the runway.

So it’s Pamela or Jesus. Pamela’s dress was unflattering, and they question her taste level and ability to be fashion forward. Jesus missed the point of the challenge and covered up the potato sack, plus his dress was mundane and matronly.

But somehow he’s in. Seriously? SeriouslY? Mexican Elvis makes two lizard dresses in a row and he’s in? Oy.

So Pamela’s out. She interviews that she’s fallen in love with everyone in the competition, and is proud that they’re her friends. It’s kind of a spectacularly naive exit speech.

Next time! Iconic fashion designers! Teams of two! Ping issues! Anthony and Keith Richards fight. The Cotillion party from hell!