Project Runway: Ping, Ponged.

Bare ass or drape’ries
Ping never bored the judges
Adios, Ping Pong.

Yeah. Not going to lie, folks – you know I was never a Ping fan. You know I never saw the avant garde appeal of her “fashions,” or how they would ever translate to anything “wearble,” or understood why she was allowed to stay after sending a bare assed model down the runway.

And I never got seduced by her personality the way a lot of people seemed to. I didn’t find her quirky and charming. I found her insane and ridiculous.

So, whatever. Not sad that she’s gone. Not going to miss her. I am a little bit sad that this challenge seems to have revealed a douche side to Jesse LeNoir, who I like for no other reason than having a name that destines him for porn. But at least we’ve seen a SIDE to him now. He’s been largely silent up to this point, so any side at all is a step in the right direction.

Anyway, there’s a newish restaurant in DC called Ping Pong Dim Sum that I haven’t tried yet despite a) loving the HELL out of Dim Sum and b) working literally within spitting distance of it. So maybe I’ll eat there today in tribute to her.

But let’s get down to it.

Morning! New York! In the dudes’ apartment, Jesus talks about how he needs to be himself, and NOT end up on the bottom again. This is one of the wisest things Jesus has ever said – right up there with that whole thing about people without sin casting the first stone and all.

Another of the dudes says he needs to hope that someone else “does a Ping.” I suppose that’s going to be the hip new slang for when one woman causes another woman to parade in front of a group of judges with her ass hanging out. It’s a phrase with limited usefulness beyond the boundaries of this competition.

Anyway, Emilio says it’s too early to be talking about Ping. Since I am writing this up at 5:39 in the morning, I can assure Emilio that it is NEVER too early to be talking about Ping. Jesse LeNoir, he of the pirate costume and porn star name, registers himself as anti-ping also. This could qualify as foreshadowing for the rest of the episode, but it’s more interesting as being the first thing I remember Jesse LeNoir saying. It will not be the last.

I digress for a moment here because there was much discussion among us last night about who Jesse LeNoir looks like. My personal vote is for Christian Bale, but other’s suggested Ethan Hawke and Logan from last season’s Project Runway. Thoughts?

Although in retrospect, I may be seeing Christian Bale largely because of the jaunty cap, because Christian Bale in Newsies is still my favorite flavor of Christian Bale (pre-Nazi Youth Christian Bale in Swing Kids might be a close second). What if the Delanceys come out swingin’? Will we hear it? NO!

Back on the television, the designers head for the Runway. Heidi asks them if they want to “meet the most iconic fashion designers of all time?” and then disappears. With Models of the Runway taking over most of the early decision making part of the runway process, Heidi’s role in the first half of the show is increasingly like that of some sort of Rumpelstitlskin figure – she says something cryptic, and then vanishes.

The designers all head out for the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City, bringing all of my latent From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler fantasies frothing to the surface. They’re totally excited because they think they’re meeting the MOST ICONIC FASHION DESIGNERS OF ALL TIME, like Heidistiltskin promised, but it’s just Tim with a bunch of mannequins dressed in those designers’ fashions.

Wah-wah.

Tim tells them that for their challenge this week, they’ll work in teams of two to create a high end signature look worthy of one of these master collections. They’ll have a budget of $500 – the highest single challenge budget in Project Runway history – and two days to work.

Jay will get to choose his partner because he won last time, and Tim draws the names of the other team leaders out of the velvet bag of dooooom. They are Jesus/Mexican Elvis/”Jesus”; Anthony/Tyler Perry as Anthony in Meet the Gowns; Janeanne/Liz Lemon; Mila; Ping; and Emilio.

Then they get to choose their teammates. Jay chooses Maya; Jesus chooses Amy (which is REMARKABLY good strategy on his part considering that he’s been the bottom two weeks in a row and Amy produced that stunning flower dress from burlap last week, so yay Jesus!); Anthony picks Seth Aaron/Keith Richards who reacts to this with “where’s my brown sugar?” and wins my momentary affection; Janeane picks Ben; Mila picks Jonathan; Ping picks a visibly ticked off Jesse Le Noir; and Emilio gets the adorable Anna.

They take sometime to wander among the mannequins, which include a LaCroix, a freaking magnificent vintage Dior, and a lovely Madame Gres. I am, admittedly, a fashion illiterate, but I’d never heard of Madame Gres until The Fashion Show, and the fact that she’s cropping up again so soon makes me wonder if this challenge is a little bit about Lifetime/Project Runway giving the fangoule to Bravo for how crappy all their replacement attempts have been.

Anyway, Janeanne threatens to cry from the beauty of the Dior. Janeanne threatening to cry is like me threatening to be a snotty judgmental bitch. It’s just going to happen, regardless, so you shouldn’t try to hold it over people’s heads.

They all head back to Parsons to sketch for awhile. Ping and Jesse LeNoir discuss how to combine her drapey/3-D/soft/organic look with Jesse’s more tailored style. Maya wants to take the lead on their team because she’s worried Jay is going to try and coast because he has immunity.

MOOD! Oh my god, first MOOD of the season, right? We’ve missed you so much, legitimate New York MOOD. Don’t ever try to stick us with your crappy L.A. cousin that apparently only carries stretch materials in shades of black and grey again.

They have 45 minutes. The highlight of the MOOD trip – beyond celebrating MOOD in all of its MOODiness—is Ping going nutterballs because she loses her sketchbook. Thank you, MOOD!

Back at Parsons. Anna is nervous about working with Emilio because his style is bold and hers is soft. Jonathan remarks that he and Mila have different styles – and here I was going to say “which, DUH, Jonathan. This show would be boring as shit if they cast designers who had the same style” – but then I remember that they did EXACTLY THAT just months ago, and let the both of them take their skinny pants and giant sweaters all the way to Bryant Park.

And then I pour myself another large glass of wine to get over the trauma of it all.

Mila is worried about the risk involved with being a team leader. Ping says it’s difficult to work with Jesse because she’s less “by the book” than he is. The book, in this case, is normal human behavior. Jesse, for his part, is worried about time because he’s busy trying to “reign in the crazy”. Commercial!

Back! To pick up exactly where we left off, Jonathan notes that Ping and Jesse have different work styles. Sometimes I get whiplash from the déjà vu on this show. Mila and Jonathan are very excited about their look.

Tyler Perry as Anthony and Keith Richards are making a bright yellow, red and black dress. OY. Tyler Perry as Anthony says he feels like “we are designing a gown for the Vice President of McDonalds. However, everyone needs a dress.”

HEE! I am seriously beginning to love Tyler Perry as Anthony. But I STILL HATE THE REAL TYLER PERRY.

Day 2! Tim appears in their midst like the magical creature he is. And then he tells them they have to create a second look. Ha-ha. Anyway, this one will be for the mass market customer, and the theme must be “the look for less.” They’ll make it for 10% of the budget for their signature look (or $50, for those of you who are mathematically impaired), and it must be derived from the look of another team.

So they choose who to be inspired by. Ping and Jesse choose Emilio and Anna; Janeanne and Ben choose Mila and Jonathan; Jay and Maya choose Ben and Janeanne; Mila and Jonathan choose Anthony and Seth Aaron; Anthony and Seth Aaron choose Jesus and Amy; Jesus and Amy choose Ping and Jesse; and Emilio and Anna choose Maya and Jay.

Phew! My fingers are exhausted from typing out that big ole mess.

They have 20 minutes to wander around being inspired by their counterparts’ looks, and then one team member takes off for an abbreviated MOOD trip. At MOOD, Jesse LeNoir buys “a nice hooker kind of shiny synthetic something.” Presumably this is at Ping’s behest, because he predicts that he can see the judges calling it cheap.

Back at Parsons, Maya feels like Jay isn’t working because he has immunity. Seth Aaron and Anthony argue about not finding a middle ground. Anthony complains that every time Seth Aaron likes something, he changes it.

Their models come in for a fitting. There’s more Jesse/Ping drama, and Emilio notes that “Ping and Jesse are like Lucy and Ricky.” That’s. . .ok, I see the comparison, but somehow I think I wouldn’t have loved that show as much if Lucy had been completely batshit crazy and made Ethel parade down the runway with her ass hanging out while Ricky just glowered silently.

Now I’m thinking about Vivian Vance’s ass. Shudder.

Tim thru! Maya is stressing because they have nothing done on their second look. Tim visits the Ping/Jesse team, and my notes say something like “haters crap fame” or “hates drape frame” or “hates drip fime.”

HATES CHEAP FABRIC! He hates the cheap fabric. This is like the biggest adventure of my week, deciphering my own handwriting on Friday mornings.

He tells Anthony and Seth Aaron that they have a clearly identified inspiration. At this point I notice that Seth Aaron’s shirt says “BEEF.” Just “BEEF.” It’s kind of awesome. They bicker a little and Anthony tells Seth Aaron to “stop acting out in front of company.”

Ok, I know that it makes me a giant hypocrite to be cracking up at Anthony’s stereotypical behavior now when I was so “oh my god, what a fucking stereotype” the first week, but whatever. I’ll live.

Anyway, Tim tells Mila and Jonathan their dress is beautifully done. Then there’s a fashion flurry, and we’re at the commercial!

Back! Day of show! In the guys’ apartment, Anthony tells us he’s “stacked, packed, and ready to attack.” Jonathan is concerned about Mila’s time management.

In the girls’ apartment, Ping loses a contact. Then she tells Janeanne and Anna that they look “so nice!” I briefly like Ping, because in college I used to tutor an elderly Chinese woman, and any time you told her good news, she’d say “so nice!” with exactly that inflection. Anyway, one of the girls – I think Anna? – replies that they’re dressed for a funeral for “the death of our hopes and dreams.” HA!

Over at Parsons, there’s some flurrying, then Tim heads in for Product Placement. Ben gets in his three seconds of the episode by interviewing that he’s worried for Jesse and Ping because they’ve been bickering and their look for less is off. Jesus talks about how he can’t be in the bottom again.

Ten minutes! Ping thinks their signature look is beautiful, but Jesse interviews that “at this point, safe is a victory. It sucks to shoot that low.” Ok, Princess Pouts a lot – you’ve ONLY been in the “safe” group every week so far. It may not be what you were aiming for, but stop acting like the middle tier is unfamiliar territory. Commercial!

Back! Runway! Heidi fulfills her contractual obligation to remind them of what the prizes are, and then introduces the judges – Kors, Nina, and Matthew Williamson. Who? Ok, apparently he’s an English fashion designer. Don’t look at me like that, kids, I didn’t even know who Madame Gres was until last summer.

Show! First we see the signature looks. Anthony and Seth Aaron’s is a bumblebee gown. Jesus and Amy have made a kind of luxe looking nude and black gown. Mila and Jonathan have made an insane superhero jumpsuit, with a coat that wings out in the back. Someone in the living room refers to it as a “flying squirrel” coat. I hate it.

Janeane and Ben have made a shitty cocktail dress with a vest. Seriously, $500 and you came up with THAT?? Emilio and Anna have made a kind of nice Hitchcocky looking cocktail suit. I love it until the model turns around and you realize it makes her ass look HUGE. Jay and Maya have made a neat rippled gown. Ping and Jesse have made some sort of insane opera costume that makes their model look really fat.

Next come the looks for less. Jesus and Amy have made some sort of shitty harem nonsense. Anthony and Seth Aaron’s is a fine cocktail dress. Mila and Jonathan have reinterpreted Anthony and Seth Aaron’s bumblebee ballgown as a cute bumblebee dress.

Janeanne and Ben have made a weird space jumper. Emilio and Anna have made an asymmetrical greenish tweed dress. Jay and Maya have made a cute black cocktail ddress with a vest. Finally, Ping and Jesse have made a boring black and grey dress.

Heidi tells Janeanne/Ben, Jesus/Amy, and Emilio/Anna that they are safe. She then tells Anthony/Seth Aaron and Ping/Jesse that they have the lowest scores.

The judges start with the highest scores first. Heidi tells Jay and Maya that their signature look is “something a collector would own.” Sometimes I think Heidi is slightly confused about the parameters of the challenges. Like, does she think that making a “collection” literally means making something someone will collect? Anyway, Nina tells them that she likes the bare side.

Turning to their $46 look for less, Kors tells them that it’s more interesting than the look that inspired it.

Of Mila and Jonathan’s flying squirrel jumpsuit, Heidi calls it something she’d “love to have.” That says it all. That’s your guarantee in writing right there that an outfit is beyond tacky and on the whorish side of the spectrum – Heidi likes it. They don’t love their look for less, though.

Moving to the low scoring teams, they look at Ping and Jonathan’s signature look. Nina says it’s “just a bunch of fabric wrapped around a model.” And. . .yep. That’s it. Of their look for less, Kors says “I don’t think anyone designed anything” and calls it just an “illfitting black dress.”

They do some asking about who did what work, and Jesse LeNoir makes a bitchy comment about how he couldn’t put much work in on some aspects because he “had to teach sewing classes.” The model in the look for less then pipes up and says Ping never even looked at her.

Damn, what is WITH the models this season? Is that the same model who threw Pam under the bus last week? I can’t keep them straight.

Turning to Anthony and Seth Aaron, Kors calls their signature look something for “a cotillion party in the South from hell.” THAT’s a cotillion party I’d want to go to. Kors then calls their look for less “an acetate cocktail dress on the cheap dress floor,” and Nina tells them that both looks are “really ugly.” Seth Aaron then kind of throws Tyler Perry as Anthony under the bus.

Deliberation. Matthew whatsisname says that Jay and Maya’s $46 dollar look was better than their $500 look. Kors finds Mila and Jonathan’s flying squirrel coat exciting, and the guest judge calls it unique.

Matthew Williamson then earns his name back and his per diem by calling Ping and Jesse LeNoir’s signature look a “confusing labored cacophony.”

Nina thinks Anthony and Seth Aaron were too literate, and Heidi calls it costumey. Matthew Williamson says it needs to go back in the museum. Commercial!

Back! Jonathan is in. Mila is the winner. “Skverrel Veens!” someone in the living room says in a Natasha voice. Anyway, Mila says it feels amazing to win. Maya is in. Jay is in.

Turning to the bottom four, Heidi says that Anthony and Seth Aaron gave them a costumey old fashioned ballgown, and their look for less was poorly made. Ping and Jesse’s look for less was ill fitting and a major snooze, and their signature look is a mess.

Seth Aaron is in. Jesse is in. So it’s down to the team leaders.

And Anthony is. . .in. Yay!

So Ping is out. She sobs a lot during her exit interview, causing one of the gays to say “oh, god, it’s like Tiananmen Square all over again,” and another one comfortingly says “don’t worry, Ping. Woody Allen will marry you.”

Next week! Designing for an inspiring group of women! The LARGEST challenge ever! Oh, please, god, let it be fatties. . . .