Project Runway: Cover Up

Ador’ble Anna’s
Deplorable vest outfit
Sends her swiftly home

So, my beauties, this morning I have to go to back to work for the first time in a week. I have mixed feelings about this—I actually would’ve felt great about it when I hit peak crazy time on Wednesday, but then Thursday I kind of got back into the sitting on my ass/midday drinking thing, and now I’m not so much into it.

Monday’s Presidents’ Day, though, so at least this is a very, very temporary situation. Anyway. Enough self pity. Instead, let’s pause for a moment to feel bad for poor little adorable Anna, who is no longer with us (on Project Runway).

It’s not terribly surprising, is it poppins? I mean, she never showed a great deal of talent; there didn’t seem to be anything particularly cutting edge about her designs, and while I found her thoroughly adorable, she didn’t show a lot in terms of a distinctive personality. And the crowd of “20 something white chicks” was already pretty glutted, and Anna didn’t have Janeane’s crying or Maya’s “alternative look” thing or Jesse LeNoir’s porn name or Amy’s actual talent to make her stand out.

And in the meantime, let’s take a moment to be happy for Tyler Perry as Anthony for winning! It’s not the choice I would’ve made in fashion terms, but he’s growing on me so much that I can’t not feel happy for him.

Let’s get to the show!

Morning/New York/Atlas Apartments. A shirtless Keith Richards/Seth Aaron makes coffee. Tyler Perry as Anthony in I Can Do Plaid All By Myself says “get up Jay, It’s time for Bible Study” and hits him with the Bible. Anthony reflects that it was nice not to be in the bottom last week, but he knows the only place to go from there is up.

In the girls’ apartment, Adorable Anna says that being in the bottom sucked, but amazing things are coming. Mila finds it “disturbing and disheartening” that no one congratulated her the previous night when she came in gloating about having been in the top two. She credits this to jealousy. That or they just didn't think your shitty superhero formalwear gown didn't belong anywhere near the top group. Think that could be it? Maybe? Yeah, me too.

Runway! Fat Pregnant Heidi comes out in a completely unsuitable mini dress and chirps “hallo” at them. She tells them their next challenge is to design a look that’s “picture perfect,” and sends them off to meet Tim. Didn’t Heidi used to do more in this part of the episode? I don’t just mean the whole model draw thing – didn’t she used to actually tell them what their challenge was instead of just giving them some sort of “mysterious” hint about it? I miss that. It made it seem like she had a reason for existing beyond saying “hallo!” and popping out litter after litter of Seal pups.

Anyway, they go to the Hearst building and meet Tim. He introduces Joanna Coles, Editor in Chief of Marie Claire. As the Lifetime seasons wear on, I become increasingly irritated with how they all pronounce it “Mary Clare” rather than Marie Claire. Ah well. Tim wants them to know that this is one of the biggest challenges in the history of Project Runway, and the reward is unprecedented.

So the challenge is to design an outfit to be worn by a celeb on the cover of Marie Claire.
They’re all super psyched, naturally. The winning look will be on the April cover of Marie Claire.

Joanna Coles gives them her rules for designing for a cover: 1) think about the crop. The outfit will only be seen from the thigh or waist upward, so any detail should be in the top. 2) Think about a color that will go with cover lines –avoid black and prints. 3) Think about April. 4) Think about something that will catch the reader’s eye and convince them to buy within 3 seconds.

Oh, and also, the celebrity wearing the look will be. . .Heidi.

Barf. I realize they’re all going to act like this is some huge honor, but to me all it says is that this show has gotten so piss poor that they couldn’t get any other celebrities to agree to war anything these people produced.

The designers are all excited about this, though, or do a plausible job pretending to be. Janeane/Liz Lemon gushes about how they get “one of the best supermodels in the world” to wear their dress if they win. Yeah, you’d think it would be more exciting if it was a supermodel who’s actual modeling career wasn’t completely over, but whatever. Fine.

Back at Parsons, the designers have 30 minutes to sketch. They have one day for this challenge, because god forbid Lifetime have them do anything other than a one day “make a pretty dress” challenge, at all, in any season, ever.

Sketch flurry. Anna is using an icy palette. Anthony is going for ‘short but not slutty.” Ben wants to design things that will make the reader “want to see more.”

Mood! They have $150 and 30 minutes. Fabric flurry! At this point I get distracted by what the designers are wearing and don’t pay attention to their fabric choices. Jesse is wearing really poorly fitting "jorts" and a puke green tee shirt. Also Janeane seems to be wearing the same top Mila had on earlier in the episode. Time! Thank you, Mood!

Workroom! They have until midnight and then a little time the next morning. Oh my god, Mila and Janeane are actually wearing the same top, aren’t they (note: Lifetime had NO useable pictures of Mila in that top, so I can’t prove this to you)?

The designers work in relative silence for once, or maybe it just seems that way because Lifetime isn’t playing the ubiquitous rushing about/dance mix music in the background for once. Seth Aaron threatens to go to sleep if it remains that quiet, and then starts thinking. Jay says that Seth Aaron is immature. I am still mesmerized by this whole same top situation. Seth Aaron is now doing a “when you’re a Jet” dance across the workroom. Anthony asks him “did you smoke anything besides a cigarette when you went outside?” Hee.

Ben is worrying about his color choices. Ok, Mila and Janenane’s shirts aren’t the same, they’re just very similar --sleeveless white numbers with big graphic yellow and black spots. Mila ponders that Anna and Anthony are using very similar bright turquoises – but they’re really not. Anthony’s is true turquoise; Anna’s is a pale ice blue. Janeane worries that her look is too bridal. Speaking of bridal. . . you and that other lady are wearing the same shirt, almost. Is that embarrassing for you? Commercial!

Back! 6 hours to end of day. Anna and Jonathan discuss their looks. Jonathan is making a space suit. Ok, that has vomit written all over it. Mila congratulates herself on getting better at dealing with time constraints with every challenge. Janeane feels dread “boiling up in her stomach.” She also has a very Emily Dickenson hairstyle going on in her interviews – pulled back with a severe center part. And it doesn’t help that she just has that kind of. . .long nosed, somber eyed Victorian spinster face (and nothing against that – if I didn’t have a fat nose and impish eyes, I’d have the same sort of face myself).

Anna worries about her construction.

Mila then interviews about how no one is really competition for her. I like her less and less by the moment.

Tim thru. He starts by helpfully telling them they sound worn out.

Then he makes his rounds. Anthony doesn’t completely know what his dress is going to look like. Tim is worried and doesn’t want him to “gimmick it up.”

He notes that Mila is using her “signature” color blocking. Janeane tells him that she wants her dress to look like waves. He asks if the “spewing out factor” is really her, and worries about it looking like clown clothes. Yikes.

Ben’s concept is “Mme Butterfly on acid.” Ok, that’s either going to be awesome or ridiculously bad. Tim fears the leather belt he’s planning “could potentially cheapen it and make it into a joke.”

Anna is making shorts. Shorts. He tells her not to lose her editing eye. Emilio is making a short little cocktail dress with ombre lacing. Tim worries that no one will notice the ombre lacing because it's essentially he same color as the dress.

Tim leaves them “reluctantly” for the night and sends in their models for the fitting. Anna is horrified by how off she was on the shorts and begins to freak out. Emilio thinks Anna needs to pay attention to the hem and the fit of her garment.

Sewing room. Mila cockily enters and announces to no one in particular that “no one dared go near my machine.” Jay says she’s fake and insincere. Emilio says she comes off as being very cocky when all she’s doing is color blocking in every challenge, and calls her a “one note wonder.” Yay. It’s nice when they all hate the same people I do.

One hour left. Anthony is concerned about his look and wishes for more time.

11:50. Janeane’s in shock and has a serious freakout. Emilio knows he’s made a huge mistake because the dress looks too short on the form. Anna is working as fast as possible. Commercial!
Why do they show the SAME Models of the Runway ad on every commercial break? I understand wanting to plug it, tie in purposes, etc. etc.. . .but why the same ad during every break? Is this the only commercial they have? They couldn’t cut a second one? They could at least switch it up every once in awhile and use an episode specific one, right? No? Sigh.

Back! Day of Runway show! In the apartments, Emilio predicts a “bloodbath on the runway.” Maya predicts that she and Mila will be in the top three again. Janeane tells Anna that she has a hunch their time is running out and it’ll come down to the two of them. Wow, she has spooky Victorian spinster powers of precognition, doesn't she? She's like the Fox sisters rolled into one.

Workroom! Anna worries about finishing her shorts, and is in a mode of hysteria. Mila feels like she’s pretty much on target, and Heidi will look amazing in her dress.

Tim appears and reminds them that this is THE BIGGEST challenge in the history of Project Runway. Hm, earlier it was “one of” the biggest, now it’s THE biggest. The challenge grew in the course of an hour. They have an hour for ridiculous product placement with their models.

Janeane can’t find a jacket. Jay interviews that everyone wants to win this challenge badly. Sigh. I hate him for forcing me to revisit the whole “overstating the obvious” thing.

Ten minutes! Maya says her dress came out as she envisioned, though she might want more volume in the neckline. Emilio thinks everyone’s muted colors won’t resonate. Janeane continues to freak out with her Victorian spinster hairdo in the interview. Anthony is happy about his dress. Ben thinks his whole look ties together, and thinks this might be his moment.

Tim comes and gathers them up to go down to the runway. Commercial!

Ulch, the more ads I see for Tim Burton’s crapfest desecration of Alice in Wonderland, the shittier it looks.

Back! Heidi enters and reminds them all that they could win some prizes, and that in this challenge they’ve had the privilege of designing for her. Then she does a pregnant shimmy. It’s terrifying. The judges are Kors, Nina, and Joanna Coles.

Runway. Amy’s dress is a patterned, ripped looking thing. I rather like it as a dress, but it’s entirely unsuitable for a cover in the mode Joanna Coles described to them (I’m qualifying the hell out of this because I can easily see it on the cover of a magazine, but it doesn’t have that pared down/monochromatic/slightly low budge look Marie Claire seems to go with). Seth Aaron has made a silver Judy Jetson business suit. Jesse LeNoir’s dress is a dark blue or black hooker dress with what initially looks like a tuxedo ruffled front, but turns out to be some sort of quilting/scaled pattern. I don’t like it at all, but it clearly involves more skill than I’ve previously credited him with to achieve this effect.

Anna’s outfit is an ice blue tank top with a silver vest and black shorts. It’s less awful than I expected when she was talking about shorts earlier. Anthony’s is an electric turquoise dress with a diagonal jagged ruffle. I’m not crazy about it, but it really commands the eye.

Janeane has made an ivory dress with a kind of silvery vest. It’s like a sad bridal gown with a bolero. Mila’s is a nude and silver cocktail dress. It’s very blah, and very “Southwestern,” in the late ‘80’s/early ‘90’s peach/silver/mint green home décor sense of the word.


Emilio’ is a distractingly short pink cocktail dress with detailing. Jay has made an off white “mullet” dress—it’s short in the front and long in the back. Jonathan has made what I can only describe as a space whores of the 25th century romper. Seriously, it’s what the girls Kirk hooked up with would’ve worn in the original Star Trek series. Maya has made a boring grey dress with peach ruffle at the neck.

God, this is all awful. Very few of these outfits would even attract a second glance on a subway, much less cause me to drop a couple bucks on a downmarket Cosmo rip off magazine.


Then Ben’s model comes out wearing turquoise dress with bright yellow front and giant leather belt. It is nothing I’d ever wear, but it is amazing and attention getting and I HEART it.

Heidi calls out Seth Aaron, Jay, Maya, Jesse, Jonathan andAmy – they are safe. So we’re left with Ben, Anthony, Mila, Janeane, Anna, and Emilio.

They start the questioning with Ben. Kors tells him that “a newsstand is a noisy place; this cuts through the noise.” Nina likes the combination of colors. Heidi thinks the back is beautiful and that the dress has impact. Joanna thinks it’s a contender.

Anna says she wanted to reference Marie Claire readers as hip, modern, and feminine. Nina says it gives the model no shape. Joanna calls the three piece look “three ingredients in a dish that leaves you feeling slightly nauseous.” Kors thinks she missed the reader of Marie Claire, and Heidi thinks she didn’t push the envelope.

Anthony blows a lot of smoke up Heidi’s ass about how awesome she is and how she’s his inspiration. Bitch, please (just kidding. I love you). Kors says he’s entered modern times, and that the dress is modern and he’s done “one shoulde”r in a new way. Nina likes it very much. “Jee-zus,” says Anthony. Joanna says the color is fantastic and Heidi finds the diagonal thing slimming.

Janeane was inspired by the ocean and the color of the sea. Kors spouts something like “seaweed organza. . .9000 themes. . .and then I’m gonna lay whatever their cover lines are on top of it.” Joanna doesn’t get the sea reference “unless it’s a polluted sea with plastic bottles in it.” Ulch, I hate it when the guest judge makes those awful trying-to-hard faux clever catty remarks. Nina says it’s too sweet and that she doesn’t necessarily see Heidi as sweet. HA.

Moving on to Mila Kors tells her that the “peach comes off like an ace bandage,” and that “once you crop her she’s literally in some sort of weird jog bra with a v neck.” Nina hates the arrows pointing at her crotch. Heh. I'm so glad she's getting some comeuppance -- they've basically drooled over everything she's made so far, so it's nice to see them not falling for the same trick every time.

Emilio wanted a sexy, strong color and detail from the waist up. Kors credits him for making jersey structured. Joanna thinks you could get a really strong cover with it. Nina loves the color and thinks the detail is beautiful but “junior.” To fix this, Kors has him cut the straps off right there on the runway and take the model’s hair down.

Heidi sends them off the runway. Deliberation.

Starting with the bottom, Nina thinks Janeane’s design was “weird,” while Joanna found it whimsical and mermaid. Nina thought Anna’s look was “nothing special,” but gives her credit for the construction of the shorts. Joanna thinks Mila’s “dress [was] the color of hospital food.”

With the top group, Heidi thought there were a lot of things about Emilio’s that were good, but it had to be redesigned. Joanna liked that he had scissors with him and was willing to edit on the spot like a cover designer should.

Heidi thought Ben’s was a “very modern very chic dress.” Kors agrees that it would be “eyecatching on a news stand.”

Nina says Anthony thought about Heidi’s coloring and figure, and Kors says that the strap gives dimension and texture to the dress even above the crop. Commercial!

Oh my god, a different Models of the Runway commercial. I’m relieved.

Back! Heidi reminds them that this is ONE OF the biggest rewards in Project Runway history (ah, so we’ve shrunk again. What with the growing and shrinking and growing and shrinking, this challenge is more like Alice in Wonderland than anything in Tim Burton's awful looking movie), and because of that, there’s no immunity.

Anthony. . . .IS THE WINNER. Ok, I think Ben’s DRESS should’ve won, but I’m thrilled for Anthony the person. Yay!!!!

He goes into the lounge and everyone is so excited for him. Suck THAT, Mila. He thinks this shows the judges that he takes their critiques to heart.

Ben is in. Emilio is in. Mila is in. Poop.

So it’s down to Janeane and Anna. Just as Janeane foresaw.

Janeane’s inspiration was interesting, but the look didn’t live up to it. Anna’s vest and shorts were forgettable, and wouldn’t stand out on a newsstand.

Anna.. . .is out. BOOOO. So we’re stuck with the long lost fourth Bronte sister and her crying, which she does now, on the runway. Of course. Bleah.

Anna the Adorable is sad that she’s been eliminated, but proud of herself, and says the experience has been amazing. Tim tells her to feel SO PROUD of what she’s achieved here. She says this has made her more confident as a designer.

Next: Children. Oh crap. The workroom is like romper room on crack. A cheap mall outfit. A trainwreck!