Project Runway: I Believe The Children Are Our Couture

Sad spinster hairdo
Sighing, sewing, and sobbing
Boring gets the axe.

Hello again, lieblings. Here we are again, like we are every Friday morning, talking about the previous night’s episode of Project Runway. Did you like it? I liked it. I know they’ve done teens in the past, but I feel like this is the first time they’ve done actual children, and I feel like that’s a nice way to stretch things out, and arrange it so that every challenge isn’t just “make a pretty dress in 24 hours.”

I don’t 100% agree with Janeane leaving, though. I didn’t find her outfits anywhere near as offensive as the judges did, and while I’ll agree that they were a bit been there/done that, so were a lot of the other ones that were out there. But I can’t be too broken up about it, because she wasn’t that great and she wasn’t that interesting and she just cried so. Damn. Much.

I am sad, though, that they’ve started killing off all the people I had nicknames for, especially since I’m running out of Tyler Perry references to use with Anthony.

And I’m stunned that there are only three women left in the competition. I’m taking this as evidence that Lifetime is responding to the criticism that having 3 young women in the final 3 last year was “too Lifetimey” by making it all but impossible to have a female winner.

Anyway. My notes from last night were particularly crappy because I was wearing an awesome vintage A-line skirt that I got at Remix, and it has this intricate two snaps and two hooks top closure that, because of the way I was sitting, kept popping open every time I laughed. So I spent a lot of time last night refastening my . . .fastenings, and didn’t pay as much attention as usual. But here we go:

Morning! New York! Atlas Apartments! In guys apartment #1 someone (I can’t tell who—it passes too quickly for me to get more than a whitish arm) someone is sleeping with a stuffed sheep. Tyler Perry as Anthony in The Family That Sashays Together says that it felt awesome to win the last challenge, but he hates the fact that he doesn’t have immunity.

In girls’ apartment #1 – otherwise known as THE ONLY GIRLS APARTMENT LEFT SINCE AT THIS POINT (foreshadowing) THERE ARE ONLY 3 GIRLS IN THE COMPETITION – Janeanne/Liz Lemon/Mel from Frasier. is feeling drained because the editor of Mary Clare hated her clothes. And also because drained is the natural state of being for Victorian spinsters.

In guys apartment #2, Emilio talks about how he plans to play it safe. Jesse LeNoir interviews that being safe or in the bottom is not an option this week.

Runway! Heidi enters wearing a lovely, fresh looking Grecian style gown. Yes, mark your calendars, folks – I really like something Heidi Klum is wearing. I actually prefer it when she wears tacky crap; liking her outfit is kind of messing with my worldview.

Anyway, she chirps her usual “HALLO” at them, and then tells them that for this challenge, they’re going to have new models. She adds that their models are inexperienced, but very attractive.

Pan to the scrim at the top of the runway, and in walks. . . .a bunch of children! Jesse LeNoir says “oh crap.”

Heidi informs the designers that their challenge this week is to make a kids look that is both age appropriate and fashionable.

Seth Aaron says that he has an eleven year old daughter, so he knows that kids have very specific tastes. “He has an ELEVEN year old?” one of the gays says, aghast. “Well, he’s 38,” I point out. They all react to this like I’ve said “well, he’s 17” – like 38 is scandalously young to have an 11 year old. I wonder – not for the first time – if gay men have very different biological clocks.

The child models run down the line announcing which designers they’ve been paired with. They’re really freaking cute – there’s a little blonde one I kind of want to jump through the TV and run away with.

Parsons! The designers walk into the work room and giggle at their tiny dress forms. Tim reminds them about the challenge since Heidi’s done the heavy lifting of actually telling them about it (for once), and adds that they’ll have a budget of $50 at mood, and until midnight to work. They won’t see their child models again until tomorrow.

Jonathan, whose bangs are mysteriously depoufed during this episode, says that he’s going to try and make a kimono sleeved romper. Hm. Anthony interviews that it’s a challenge to “find a way to integrate Anthony into a little girl’s dress.”

I want to make a joke about how I bet it’s not the first time Anthony has been in a little girl’s dress, but it’s less funny at 5:56 in the morning and knowing that his word choice was “integrate” than it was last night after my 3rd huge-ish glass of wine.

At any rate, he clarifies that it’s hard because “these li’l girls ain’t got no booties an’ no breasts.” I would argue that their normal rail thin models don’t have no booties or no breasts either, so it’s really not that much of a switch.

Jesse LeNoir is making a schoolgirl/ Madeline inspired design. I love, love, LOVE the Madeline books, but seeing Jesse LeNoir and schoolgirl in the same sentence just looks like the beginnings of a Comcast description of porn.

Mood! Oooh, a puppy! Is this the one named Scraps, or is that the L.A. Mood puppy? Anyway, they dash about looking for their fabrics. Seth Aaron is making a vest/hoodie out of houndstooth. Amy worries that pink might be cliché for a little girl. One minute! Tim looks skeptically at the dog. Seth Aaron finally finds his houndstooth, and falls to the floor in relief. Thank you, Mood!

Workroom! Jay interviews that “children nowadays are very fashion forward, especially when you’re .” Ok, that’s awkwardly phrased, because it makes it sound like 7 year olds and 9 year olds are somehow less fashion forward than 8 year olds.

Jonathan is making a dress under a short bolero jacket. He thinks Kors will like it. Then he does a pretty good Kors imitation: “she looks like a 7 year old waitress from Benihana.”

Mila is making a colorblocked A-Line dress. Emilio dryly says “colorblocked. Imagine that.”

Mila interviews about how she’s getting along better since she’s learned to take everyone’s mockery in stride. Then in “real time,” she makes a joke about getting a little color blocking in your life to show how well she’s taking it.

Janeane interviews that her outfit is inspired by a butterfly costume her sister had.

Looking at Seth Aaron’s outfit, someone says “your model is going to be a bad ass.” Emilio adds “your model’s going to beat up my model on the runway.”

Mila wonders why they haven’t seen Tim yet, and speculates that there might be a twist. Well, duh, Mila.

We then start speculating about what the twist could be. “Designing for their moms,” someone says. “Or their dogs.” “Or their dolls.” Ok, call me ridiculous, but I think if they could do an American Girl tie-in challenge, it would be pretty awesome. “Or all three.” Oooh! Now I really want to see a mother/daughter/dog/doll challenge. Commercial!

Back! It’s the next morning in the Atlas Apartments. Emilio is worried. Janeane is worried and calling her husband, whose name is Jordan. At this point, we know she’s gone, not just because she’s fulfilled the reality show stereotype of calling a loved one, but because she’s destroyed her Victorian spinster reputation.

Tim Gunn entered. As Mila anticipated, he has a surprise for them. Their looks will not be walking the runway today – they’ll go tomorrow . .. with a corresponding adult look for their model.

Wah-Wah.

So they have to reinterpret their child’s look for their model. They’ll have 15 minutes to sketchand then a $100 budget at Mood.

Emilio struggles with how to reconceive a dress for a 5 year old to work on his 6’ tall model. Jonathan feels like he can do a sexy, high fashion thing for his model.

Mood! Hi, puppy! They have 20 minutes. Jay says he feels like a “companion piece” should be from the same show. Jesse LeNoir picks up a cute black and white paisley print. He’s suddenly wearing glasses like Jonathan’s and an untied bowtie. He’s pretty hot in this episode. Time! Thank you, Mood! Thanks, puppy!

Workroom! Jesse feels like it’s hard to make his model look as strong after putting so much into the first outfit.

Then there’s a long segment where Anthony talks a lot, and Everyone else glares at him while he’s talking, and starts taking bets on how long he could go without saying anything. Showing that he’s a good sport, he puts a bandit mask over his mouth and plays along.

5 minutes go by, and Emilio tapes a pair of red lips onto the mask. As more time passes, people add things to the lips – like a tape tongue and so forth. Ultimately, he makes it 14 minutes and 56 seconds.

Tim thru! He loves Jonathan’s child outfit, but tells Janeane that she’s “really rocking Halloween here.” Amy is telling the petal shape from her little girl look and turning it into pants. Tim Gunn warns her that it could be “clown clothes,” but says that’s better than playing it safe.

He’s really excited about Seth Aaron’s look. Me too – the kid outfit is adorable, and the model look involves this beautiful, intricate jacket that he’s woven to echo the houndstooth pattern in the little girl’s hoodie.

Tim Gunn leaves, telling them that he’s “profoundly wowed” with their work. “Turn “wowed” upside down and it’s “momed,” one of the gays points out wisely.
(ok, it seemed wise at the time. And yes, I realize that it’s more like “momep” with a backwards “ep,” but whatever).

The models and kids come in for their fitting. The little girls are so excited and have so much fun running around the room. Anthony asks them “where y’all mamas?’

2 hours left! Amy is still cutting petals. Emilio is very concerned about the challenge. Janeane feels like she’ll at least be safe. Commercial!

Day of show! Janeanne says she doesn’t have much time. Amy feels like her design will either be in the top 3 or the bottom 3. Jesse LeNoir interviews that “Amy’s pants are really designed.”

Tim enters and does his product placement thing, and tells them they have an hour. The kids and models arrive, and Jonathan says that the “workroom is like a romper room on crack.”

Anthony admits that he’s “not ‘customed to dealin’ with so many li’l children.” “Do y’all have an off switch?” he asks one little girl. “What’s an off switch?” she retorts. Hee.

Jesse LeNoir thinks Janeanne will have trouble because her look is “not as designed.” Ok, this is apparently Jesse LeNoir’s only critique – things are either too designed or not designed enough.
Jonathan says that it’s been his strategy to coast until about the halfway point, and then start wowing the judges. Hm.

Tim enters and tells the “designers, models, and young lady models” that they have 10 minutes.
Emilio says he’s only 75% confident, and thinks that “some looks are overdesigned.” Augh. Commercial.

Back! Runway! Heidi reminds them what the prizes are, what the challenge was, and tells them that the judges are Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and Tory Burch.

I have mixed feelings about Tory Burch. On the one hand, I blame her for tunics. On the other hand, I have a Tory Burch sheath dress that I look pretty damn fantastic in. So. . .

Anyway. Runway show. Anthony’s outfits are a coral/red cocktail dress and a cute little pink and white dress for his little girl. Amy’s . . .at first I think her mom outfit is a dress, and I like it, but then I realize it’s pants and I’m horrified. Her kid’s look is just meh. Ben has made a boring lavender dress for his little girl and a boring purple top and khaki skirt for the model.

Seth Aaron’s model is in pants and the amazing jacket I mentioned earlier, and his little girl is adorable and kind of edgy. Jesse LeNoir’s I just have a giant heart next to. I love the ‘40’s aesthetic on the model, and the little girl’s coat is AMAZING. I’m just so super in love with it – I kind of want to go out and have a kid just so I can dress us like that. If it’s a little girl, we’ll look fantastic. If it’s a little boy, people will someday look back at pictures of it and say “that explains a lot.”

Jonathan’s little girl looks like a lemon, which seems appropriate since his model looks like a big tower of meringue. Maya’s little girl is in a cute slicker, and the mom is in a really poorly cut jacket based on that slicker. Also, she’s made some atrocious green pants. Mila’s is fine, but very ordinary – the sort of outfits you’d see any mom and daughter wearing while shopping in any well off suburb in America. Emilio’s pair come out, and I say “they look like Joan Crawford and a flower girl.” “Joan Crawford and a flower girl she’ll beat” someone adds. “Well, that goes without saying,” I reply. Except for the color, I kind of like Emilio’s mom dress, but me wanting to dress like Mildred Pierce shouldn’t be news to anyone.

(Sidebar: can I tell you how full of trepidation I am about this Kate Winslet Mildred Pierce remake? If it’s a new script that’s closer to the novel, then I’m all in favor of it. If they’re actually remaking the Crawford film, then Kate Winslet should just run, and run far, and run fast, because she’ll never live up)

Janeane’s is a cute but ordinary little red sundress with leggings for the girl, and a matching outfit for the mom with a fun jacket. Jay has designed an outfit in which any adorable tyke can be escorted around town by her hooker mother. As with Maya, the pants don’t seem to fit correctly—the top would be cute if you weren’t so distracted by the fact that there’s like nine feet of midriff between the top of the pants and the bottom of the top.

Heidi calls out Jay, Amy, Jonathan, Seth Aaron, Jesse , and Janeane. They have the highest and lowest scores. She then tells Jonathan, Amy, and Janeane that they have the lowest scores.


They send them away while they talk to the high scoreres. Jesse LeNoir explains that he started with the idea of the big red coat, and then went with an off-center version of a classic a-line dress. Heidi says she would’ve preferred less asymmetry, but Kors tells him it’s a job well done. Tory Burch likes the colors, and Ava, the little girl, says she likes it a lot. Nina finishes up by saying that the mom is also “pretty good.”

Seth Aaron says his look was about “comfort and flair.” Sydney, his little girl, really likes the purse. Kors says both looks are very strong, and the jacket is well tailored. Tory Burch says it’s something a little girl would dream of wearing.

Moving to Jay, Heidi says that a lot of design and thought went into it. Kors says it’s very chic, and Nina says they make a striking pair. A striking pair of whores, maybe.

They send the high scorers away and bring out the losers. Janeane says she wanted to make something comfortable and active. Nina isn’t sure she likes the plainness of the little girl’s dress. Heidi thinks it’s too simple and looks like a cheap mall outfit. Then she reassures the little girl that it’s nothing to do with her. This is necessary so the little girl doesn’t someday sue Lifetime because she has recurring nightmares in which a giant Teutonic woman eats her head. Anyway, Kors tells her that the mom’s jacket looks like a Home-Ec project.

Jonathan says he wanted to design a little girl’s dress with an edge. Heidi says it looks uncomfortable, and the little girl – Fabianna – says it is. Damn, Fabianna, way to sell a brother out. Nina says it’s too sophisticated and conceptual for a little girl. Kors says that the model “literally looks like she got caught in a tornado of toilet paper.”

Finally, to Amy, Kors tells her that Kaitlin, her little girl, looks like the house was on fire and she put on every piece of clothes she owned. He also calls the petal pants a “trainwreck.” Nina agrees that they’re “circus like.” Heidi asks Kaitlin if she likes her outfit, and Kaitlin says she “trusts Amy’s fashion sense.” ADORABLE. And way to go, Kaitlin. THAT’s what a model’s supposed to do, Fabianna.

Tory Burch says she can’t see the color combination. At that, I exclaim “are you fucking kidding me?” because unless the colors are reading really differently on TV, I’ve seen Tory Burch dresses in that exact combination of colors. And even if it’s NOT blatant hypocrisy, it’s just odd. You can’t see coral and turquoise? Really? REALLY?

The judges send the losers away and discuss. Beginning with Jesse, Nina liked that he did something traditional, but with humor. Heidi liked the hair accessory, and Kors points out that he made a tailored wool coat in less than 24 hours.

Moving to Seth Aaron, Kors says the mom’s look is sophisticated and edgy, but the child’s has whimsy. Nina says any child would be “like mommy, buy that for me.”

Of Jay, Kors says . . . I don’t know. I couldn’t stand to pay too much attention because I couldn’t believe those outfits were in the top 3, and my notes look something like "pieces greetor aun."

For the bottom, Kors says of Amy’s that “different is nice, but it isn’t pretty.” He thinks Janenane’s looks like stuff bought on markdown, and calls Jonathan’s the “conceptual toilet paper twins.” Commercial.

Back! Jesse is in. Seth Aaron. . .is the winner! Yay! He says that his daughter will be so happy, and that he’s glad the judges “got it.

Jay is in. Jonathan is in.

So it’s down to Amy and Janeane. Amy’s color palette was bizarre; it looked like her child dressed in the dark, and the adult look was clownish. Janeane’s look was just boring.

Clownish triumphs boring, though, so Amy is in. She starts to leave the runway, then dashes back to hug Janeane.

So that means Janeane is out. She says that the judges absolutely hated her outfit, but she’s not going to stop designing because Heidi Klum said she wouldn’t wear anything she made.

Next time! 10 left! A hardware store! Elizabethan mini! What happened? Cheese fest!