Project Runway: See, I should've called THIS one Madea's Fabric Reunion. . .

....because he's back and all. Get it? Get it???

Anyway.

Oh, poor Jonathan
Stressed his way off the runway
Should have kept Cerri.

So that was. . .something, wasn’t it?

Let’s get the easiest bit out of the way first: I’m sad to see Jonathan leave, because I’ve really quite liked his work lately. I think he’s got a very delicate aesthetic that manages to be classical and edgy at the same time. It’s not the smack-yo-face fashion that Project Runway seems to generate so often; it’s gentle, beautiful style that makes you stare. And it underlines the difference between trendy clothes that scream for your attention the first time you see them, and then quickly turn you off with their insistence on their own cool, and truly stylish clothes that whisper, and in doing so, actually command both your attention and respect for a much longer time.

And let’s face it: he was the funniest designer for interviews and stuff. The worst case scenario would’ve been Maya staying and the same result coming from the runway – then the rest of the season would just be a bunch of grim people who took themselves far too seriously.

At the same time, though, I’m almost relieved that he’s gone, because it means we never have to watch the judges gratuitously kick him in the teeth over and over again like they did last week.

Further, I’m SUPER PISSED that I had to watch Cerri leave AGAIN. Are the designers HIGH? Do they not SEE how freaking stunning that girl is? Not to mention that she’s basically been THE voice of the entire Models season. I don’t know if I could even tell you thing one about any of the others.

And then there’s Maude. Or Maya. Whichever. Because I tend to read a fair bit of Project Runway related info, I’ve known for awhile that she was the only designer of the top nine million or something (ok, it was like the top 11. Everyone since Janeane) who didn’t show at Fashion Week. So I knew she wasn’t going to be in the top four, and there’s been rampant speculation as to when she would leave and why.

The reality was. . .odd? A let down? Frankly, not quite believable? But we’ll get to that in a minute. Let’s get on with the show.

Morning! New York! Atlas apartments. In guys’ apartment #1, Seth Aaron and Jay talk about how quiet it is without Anthony around. In guys’ apartment #2, Emilio tells Jonathan that Anthony had an amazing run, and went much further than a lot of people initially expected him to. Very true. Remember that P.G. County wreckage he turned out in the first episode? Shudder.

Over in the girls’ apartment, they’re not talking about Anthony. Instead, they’re thinking about age. Because, you know – that’s what we ladies’ like to do. Fret about our age. The next thing you know they’ll be saying that chocolate solves all their problems, and high fiving each other and saying “yah, girlfriend!”

But anyway, Mila is fretting about how hard the judges were in the last challenge, but thinks her age and experience will get her through. Maya, on the other hand, is proud to be the youngest there. Blah blah blah. So tiresome.

Runway! They are greeted by Heidi, who is wearing a truly hideous leopard print maternity smock. She tells them that their challenge this week is designing for a celebrity. Oh, and before they get too excited, this celebrity has a reputation for being “opinionated, headstrong, and knowing what they want.”

Oh, thanks, Heidi. That clarifies things so much. Because we all know that most celebrities are known for being very Zen, go-with-the-flow types who couldn’t care less what they wear.

They go to the workroom, where Tim tells them that he hopes they’re ready. Their challenge is to design a red carpet look for a celebrity. And guess who it is? Come on – guess!

It’s Heidi.

It’s fucking Heidi.

Ugh.

Firstable, how fucking low-budge can Lifetime get? “You’re going to design a look for a celebrity. . .but unfortunately, we pay fucking Heidi so goddamn much that we can’t afford to pay anyone else that’s at all noteworthy to come in, and it’s not like this show has enough cache anymore to attract people to do it just for the fun and exposure. So you’re designing for Heidi!”

And then there’s the repetition factor. “But this is TOTALLY UNLIKE the previous time THIS SEASON when you’ve designed for Heidi! Because this time. . .you’re. . .um. . .making her a red carpet dress! Yeah! Because that’ll produce totally different work than the rest of you churned out last time when you were merely making her something to wear on a Mary Clare cover.”

It’s ridiculous. I can’t even fucking take it. If my primary complaints about this show since it moved to Lifetime have been a) increased amounts of increasingly insufferable Heidi, and b) the fact that every challenge has essentially been “make a pretty dress,” then a challenge where they’re essentially told to make a pretty dress for Heidi is like the nadir of the entire Project Runway experience. There’s nowhere to go from here but up. Or off the air altogether. One of those.

Anyway, they have 30 minutes to sketch. So they all tuck into their work.

Suddenly, we see the door being pulled shut the last half inch, and the cameras focus on Maya’s mannequin to underline the fact that she’s the one who left, since apparently they were caught napping and didn’t get actual footage of her leaving.

The others continue about their work and give clueless interviews about the challenge. Jonathan, hilariously, has decided to make something that he finds ugly, reasoning that since the judges live in “reverse world,” they’ll probably love anything that he hates. Hee. This is why we’ll miss him.

Mila somehow thinks she knows how to do something simple and elegant. I have to assume “simple” and “elegant” are synonyms for “black” and “white” respectively in Mila’s world. Emilio says his dress has to be “wow, bam.” That’s specific and helpful.

The door swings back open and Tim and Maya enter. Tim informs them that Maya has decided to leave the competition.

The camera pans around the room to capture all the designers “Whaaaaa?” expressions.

Maya tells them that she feels like she’s not ready to go all the way, and that she’s not ready to get to that point yet. She tells them she’s “feeling like I’m not fully developed as a designer yet.” And then we see a montage of various judges calling her referential.

At this point, we have to pause the TV to discuss how dumb this is. I mean, it’s ridiculous, right? You don’t feel like you’re not ready to get to that point yet? Honey, there’s ONE challenge left. YOU HAVE ALREADY GOTTEN TO THAT POINT, over the heads of some designers with a whole hell of a lot more experience than you’ve got.

Second, you don’t think you’re ready to go all the way? Wake up, Wednesday Addams. It’s called “elimination,” and if you’re actually NOT ready to go all the way, it’ll knock you out.

As one of my friends says “she needs a helmet, it’s so dumb.”

We ultimately come to the conclusion that we don’t fully buy it. Let’s pause for a mo’ and think about the people who’ve left Project Runway in the past:

1. Keith Michael, asked to leave for rule violations in Season 3.
2. Jack, left for medical reasons in Season 4.

And that’s it. So we’ve got the guy who cheated, the guy with MRSA, and some chick who, two challenges from the finish line, just isn’t feeling it anymore? One gets kicked off, one has to make a devastating decision, and Wednesday here is just all “la, la, I’ve suddenly decided after hearing the parameters for this challenge that I’m not ready?”

Not a chance. But let’s unpause the show.

The other designers are all similarly baffled, and say so. Emilio intones something about how “quitters never win,” and Seth Aaron gives an emotional interview about how none of us at home should judge her because we don’t understand the pressure of working 18 hours a day while being filmed. Look, Seth Aaron, if she’d shown any indication of snapping, or feeling pressure – or, for that matter, feeling feelings of any sort, at all, ever, instead of always maintaining her perfect Junior Romulan composure – we’d all get it. But she’s been calm since day one, and now she’s calmly walking out. It’s either a bitch move or sheer bullshit. I’m judging. Deal with it.

Anyway, Maya leaves and Tim says “that was a bit of a shock, yes?” Thank you, Tim Gunn, master of overstating the obvious.

The remaining designers head off to Mood, where they have a budget of $300. Emilio is looking for “something to make her pop,” which I think is kind of an unfortunate descriptor when you’re designing for a woman who’s currently quite, quite pregnant.

Jonathan is looking for a brighter color so that the judges can see it from the runway. Seth Aaron, conversely, is using black because half of the looks in Heidi’s look book were black.

They head back to the workroom, unload, and try to work while still processing everything that happened. Time comes in with yet another announcement – since they were counting on having 6 designers for this challenge, they’re bringing one back. And it’s . . .

COMMERCIAL! Oh, the suspense is just killing me. Not.

Back! It’s Anthony, of course. He interviews “who wouldn’t want Anthony back? I like him; you should too.” Oh, poppins. The minute he said that, I could foresee the comments from those of you who emphatically would not want Anthony back.

Anthony gets his time shifted, so he’ll have 30 minutes to sketch and his own Mood time as well. He says he wants to be the representative of second chances.

Fashion flurry! Jonathan is doing a gown involving his cut-away techniques. Seth Aaron is making a sleek silhouette that will teardrop to the floor.


Tim enters – AGAIN – and asks for a moment with Seth Aaron. At this point, I’m kind of surprised that one of them doesn’t just shoot Tim so he stops coming in with bad news. Mila says she feels like all these interruptions are putting her behind. Oh, cry me a river, Senior Romulan. I am SO VERY SORRY that other peoples’ problems are interfering with YOUR work.

Seth Aaron reenters and tells them that his model Valeria got a job with Donna Karan, and it’s on runway day. So Valeria’s leaving, and he gets Cerri for his model.

Yay! Cerri!!!!

Tim enters again. Seriously, someone MUST STOP TIM FROM ENTERING, because it’s never a good thing in this episode. This time, he’s dragging Heidi with him. She appears to be wearing purple drapes.

She’s here to critique their works in progress, which I don’t remember any other celebrity they were designing for doing. And it also means that instead of our usual informative Tim thru, we’re subjected to an incoherent. . .

Heidi thru! She moves from designer to designer, dispensing gnomic words of Aryan wisdom. She tells Seth Aaron “I feel like something has to be a little. . .more. . .somewhere.”

Oh my god. A little more somewhere. Thank you, Heidi! It’s all clear now! I know EXACTLY what I must do because of your extremely concrete and specific advice! How have designers gone without Heidi’s helpful input and instruction for the past 7 seasons?

Jesus.

Moving around the room, she tells Emilio that what he’s doing is going to be “very, VERY DIFFICULT” with her voice getting increasingly shrill and loud as she speaks. To Jay, she says “think about, you know, we don’t wanna look bigger than we are,” and questions “so there is a cleavage, but there is a block there?” Then she terrifies Jay by showing him her boobs. He immediately dies of shock and horror.

To Mila, she says “it’s not too simple for me, but are the other ones better?” And predictably, she hates Jonathan’s, telling him “it reminds me a little bit of, like, curtains.”

Then she leaves the room, and Jonathan gives an interview where he mimics her, making fun of her inane advice, and her accent, and her high pitched voice that can only be heard by dogs. It’s delicious.

That said, though, he does start making a second dress that takes her horrible, tacky thoughts into consideration.

The models arrive and react to all the changes. Cerri, as mentioned earlier, is now with Seth Aaron, and Monique, who had been Maya’s model, is with Anthony.

Fashion flurry. Jonathan says “it’s insanity here.” He finds the dress he’s started to make to Heidi’s specifications “horrifying,” so he starts a third dress.

Oh, poor kitten. You should’ve just stuck with your first dress. You still probably would’ve gone out, but you would’ve gone out on your own terms instead of Heidi’s. And if you’d put all that time into one dress rather than three, they couldn’t have faulted your execution as much as they did.

Commercial!

Back! Anthony tells us that his work time went to 2:30 in the morning, so he really only got about an hour of sleep.

Day of show. Anthony “sends out a special message to Miss Maya – thank you and God bless you.”

Mila says that Jonathan’s dress has “a funky hem.” She says she “finds relief in seeing other designers struggle.” Bitch cow.

Tim arrives to give them their usual product placement instructions. He tells them to think “red carpet! Heidi Klum! Wow the judges!” and to “work like there’s no tomorrow, because for one of you there isn’t.”

Fashion flurry. Seth Aaron thinks his look is “almost vampire looking,” but Emilio thinks it “doesn’t say Heidi and doesn’t say red carpet.” Mila thinks her dress is “super sexy, sophisticated, and modern,” but Jonathan thinks it fits strangely.

Commercial.

Back. Runway. Heidi reminds them of the challenge parameters (design a pretty dress for Heidi. . .again), and introduces the judges – Michael “outie” Kors; Nina Garcia, and “fashion icon” Jessica Alba.

This raises a number of questions for me. 1) Since when is Jessica Alba a fashion icon? Jackie Kennedy is a fashion icon. Audrey Hepburn. Cher. Madonna. Grace Kelly. Sarah Jessica Parker. Jessica Alba is just some badly bleached hair on a shiny face. Also, look at what that dumb bitch is wearing. Fashion icon my ass.

And 2) if your challenge is to design a red carpet dress for a celebrity, and your guest judge is a celebrity. . .WHY ARE YOU DESIGNING ANOTHER DRESS FOR HEIDI????

But let’s start the show. Jay’s dress is a silver strapless dress with kind of LeAnne-esque pleats. He acknowledges that seeing it on the runway, it does make her look wider, but “I guess I like big butts.” And he does not lie. Good for you, little man.

Mila’s is a boring black and gold cocktail dress. Anthony’s is a very classic black and white gown with a slit up to yonder. I love it. Seth Aaron’s is a tight black dress with some sort of stud detailing. Jonathan’s is a short grey or ecru dress with black and coral draped detailing on the back. And Emilio’s is a very well fitted sparkly bronze gown.

Since there are only 6 left, they all get to stay on the runway. Beginning with Seth Aaron, he tells them he was going for a “sleek, sophisticated look.” Nina is worried that the look is too much about him and not enough about Heidi. Kors says she doesn’t look like a star at an awards show, she looks like the “girl who came out and carried the statue.” And Jessica Alba incoherently blathers “my biggest thing is this is for Heidi. For the red carpet.”

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. In a single sentence, Jessica Alba has made Molly Sims look like a freaking MENSA candidate. I’m not even going to bother coming up with an internal monologue for her, because I’m pretty sure it’s just a constant stream of “lalalala! Lalalala! Lalalala! My hairs is so shinery! Lalalalal!”

Moving on to Anthony, he says he wanted to give Heidi a beautiful palette to accessorize.” Heidi tells him “I love your dress” and that it’s sexy but not vulgar. Jessica Alba says “it flowed!” and then giggles to herself and huffs some more paint. Her hairs is shinery! Kors think Anthony is “finally in your zone,” (. . a week after being eliminated. . .), and Nina says it’s “stunning.”

Mila says she wanted to create something “sleek and sexy with modern lines,” and then copies Anthony’s statement about accessories by muttering something about jewelry. Jessica Alba offers her first substantive comment by saying it’s “too wide in the bust area.” Kors pats her shinery hairs and gives her a puppy biscuit, and agrees that he “hates how the cups fit.” Heidi, on the other hand, has no problem with getting her tits out for the world, but thinks the dress is “too simple” and “not a show stopper.”

Emilio says some things about his dress. I usually like his clothes, but I find him so dull personally that it’s hard to focus on what he’s saying unless he’s trying to be evil. Anyway, Kors says it’s impeccable, and Heidi thinks it’s “simple but sexy at the same time.” Nina points out that bronze sequins could’ve gone horribly awry, but he did well. And Jessica Alba blabbers something.

Jay says he wanted to use color. I can see that. Grey is a color. He also wanted to give the dress a “360 experience.” Heidi likes the corset and thinks it’s beautiful and impeccable. Kors tells him “there isn’t a woman on the planet who would say “oh, I want people to think I have a fat butt and big hips.”

Kors is patently wrong, by the way, and if he came down to my hood, people would tell him so (and then they’d bust a cap in his ass). A more accurate statement would be that there isn’t a white woman in the world of American fashion who wants people to think she has a big butt.

Finally, they move onto Jonathan. He says he wanted to do something . . .ok, my notes either say “easier, sleeker, and modern,” or “easier, sla . . .en, more fun.” Kors thinks it’s too short, and Jessica Alba agrees. You can hear the rocks rattling around in her head as she nods. Kors thinks that the back is draped effortlessly. They all look aghast at the fact that this is the third dress he’s made.

Deliberation. They say a total of one thing about Seth Aaron, and I miss it. Moving to Anthony, Kors says his dress is gorgeous. Jessica Alba blathers “I would wear that dress. Can I borrow it?” and then she giggles, and huffs some more paint, and pats her own shinery hairs.

Kors compares Jonathan’s to a “dull pillow case,” and Heidi calls it “amateur.” Jessica Alba says the ruffles on Jay’s dress need to go a different way, and Heidi whines “I don’t wanna look big.”

Kors says Emilio is the only one who knew how to put structure into the dress, and Heidi credits him with doing the “right kind of glitter.” Oh, suck it, Heidi. You have yet to see a kind of glitter you didn’t think was the right kind.

Finally, of Mila’s, Nina works in a clear anti-Bravo slam by calling it “something the housewives of New Jersey should wear.” Oh my god, it does, though. The dress screams Danielle. It’s perfect for pretending your teenaged daughters are your best friends, or giving guys half your age blowjobs in the restaurant bathroom.

Commercial!

Back! Heidi ominously tells them that they don’t have a winner for this challenge. . . they have two! Heidi announces that Emilio is one of the winners, because his dress was impeccable and she can’t wait to wear it. And Jessica Alba announces that Anthony is the other winner, and she wants to wear his dress.

They leave the runway. Emilio reflects on having four wins altogether, and three consecutively. That is pretty damn impressive.

Back on the runway, Seth Aaron and Mila are safe. So it’s down to Jay and Jonathan. Jay’s is not a red carpet dress, and no one wants to look bigger. Jonathan had nice details in back, but the front was a mess. It was another effort that fell short of his talent.

So Jay is . . .in. That means Jonathan is out. He wishes he was more surprised, and says that this is definitely closing a chapter. Aw, Jonathan.

Next time! We decide who goes to fashion week! The stakes are greater than ever! Turn up the volume! Crazy crotch! She looks like a big blue condom!