Top Chef, Masters: Drama-Rama by Bravo.

I was thinking about this while I watched the last few minutes of last week’s episode, and I realized that one of the things that makes Top Chef, Masters different is that it’s the only “Celebrity” version of a show that features people who are actually at the height of their fame in their field. The people on Celebrity Fit Club, Celebrity Apprentice. . .and obviously, Celebrity Rehab. . .their best days are all behind them, so there’s very little they can lose by making a typical reality show asshole of themselves. I think that’s why you see – generally – such a high level of cooperation and professionalism among the Masters cheftestants. Their behavior on this show could impact a thriving business.

I was thinking that. . . and then the new episode happened. Yeah, that episode. The one that sacrificed all professionalism and cooperation on the altar of the Ludo and Moonen show.

UGH. How tiresome was all that cock waving to watch? And it seriously cut into the commentary from the critics – each chef got pretty much one comment. And that’s in an episode with the highest rated food so far. I want to hear more about that, not about who hates each other and who gets to do feesh and cheeps.

I’m not saying I don’t love me some drama, and that I don’t often think that Top Chef, Masters could benefit from a teaspoon more of it. But there’s a teaspoon of drama and then there’s an hour of screaming, swearing, and unintelligible French accents. This was the latter.

And then there were the housewives. Oh, the housewives. I’m not going to pretend I don’t watch, but it’s a franchise that seems to exist for the sole purpose of giving me agita. And the OC brain trust are the worst of them. Yes, the worst. Worse than all the finger-waving and neck-rolling in Atlanta; worse than the table-flipping in New Jersey; worse than the product-placement in New York. At least the women from those shows have some form of character; the OC beasts are just varying degrees of blonde, booth tanned, silicone laden tack, experiencing varying degrees of broke assedness and trying to clutch their Juicy Couture track pants as the bailiffs come and evict them from a seemingly endless series of high-end rental homes.

I would lesbian-marry ANY of the ladies from the other shows and let them live in my studio apartment with me and throw a party every night that got crashed by those DC Housewives Party Crashers before I’d spend 20 seconds watching the Orange County housewives try to wrap their palates around food that doesn’t come from Chilis (or, in some of their cases, food that doesn’t come in a Margarita glass with a twirly straw).

So you’re on notice, Top Chef, Masters. Get back with the program. Bring back the class.

Los Angeles! Top Chef, Masters kitchen! Tonight, 6 chefs we saw competing in the FIRST season of Top Chef, Masters will try for a second chance to make the Champions’ Round. And they are:

1) Rick Moonen, who didn’t finish the quickfire challenge in Season 1.
2) Wylie Dufresne, who you may know from being on Top Chef as a judge as well as leaving the chicken off Rayner’s plate during the LOST challenge
3) Graham Elliot Bowles, who wants to humiliate Wylie Dufresne by beating his score again.
4) Jonathan Waxman, who is totally famous from the ‘80’s, and who I love.
5) Mark Peel, who got blindsided by the clock last time
And 6) Ludo Lefebvre, who’s an annoying little Frenchman who swears a lot.

K-Choi enters and welcomes them back. Graham tells us that he is competing for the American Heart Association again. His nephew is still waiting for a heart transplant. Aw man. I hope when he comes back for Top Chef Masters 3, there’s good news on that front.


It’s quickfire time! This involves a twist. I know, I know – don’t they ALL involve twists? But this one literally involves a twist, in the cocktail sense – the chefs walk into a room with a looooooot of booze. So they’ll be doing the season 3 challenge where they had to create a dish and a complimentary cocktail. Casey won the original with a Foie Gras dish and a Strawberry Gin Rickey. It’s in the Quickfire Cookbook. I kind of want to make it.

So their challenge is to create a dish to pair with a Stoli cocktail. They’ll have some help from award winning mixologist Charlotte Voise will be helping. Or, K-Choi calls it “help” – what it really means is that Charlotte mixes up a shit-ton of cocktails for them, and they all get to sample all of them. Waxman jokes “8 o’clock in the morning. Not a bad way to start the day.” He’s competing for CityMeals on Wheels again.

They keep drinking. Moonen asks if they get a nap before doing the quickfire. Finally, they select their drinks. Graham will use the Coriander Mule. Rick chooses the Forest Fruit. Waxman takes the Lemongrass Mojito while Ludo takes the Nutmeg Mojito. Wylie picks something called the “Russian Tea Room” while Mark Peel takes the “Ginger Figgle.”

Confession: I did a find and replace this morning, and without thinking, told it to replace all instances of "GG" with "Gael Greene's Hat." So that briefly read "Ginger FiGael Greene's Hatle," and I considered leaving it that way.

K-Choi tells them the diners will be the Real Housewives of OC and Gael Greene. Oy. Kill me. I hope Gael Greene's Hat torments those silicone filled leatherette hag-bags mercilessly.

The chefs have 45 minutes to cook. Food flurry! Rick is making a strawberry shortcake, even though he knows in his heart that’s a bad idea. Peel is making a mussels custard with figs. Something about the term “mussels custard” just sounds awful. He’s competing for Doctors Without Borders again. And again, this makes me think of nothing more than Ian from Port Charles, who was with Doctors without Borders before coming to Port Charles and having a brief stint as a normal soap opera character before Port Charles went all completely Dark Shadows style off the rails and he became a vampire.

Wylie discusses his plans to kick Elliot’s ass and win for Autism Speaks. Waxman thinks the others are making things too hard for themselves, telling us “Housewives of Orange County do not want to sit and eat a big plate of food. They want Little tidbits.” He finishes with 20 minutes left in the time they’re allotted.

Periodically, Jonathan Waxman will say something so absolutely true that you have to imagine it with the old "The More You Know" chimes playing in the background. We'll call those times "Waxman's Wisdom."

Moonen discusses his desire to beat Ludo “My leetle Frainch nemesseess.” He doesn’t care for Frenchy’s bitching and moaning.

Time! Moonen is thrilled to have actually made something this time.

K-Choi welcomes Lynne Curtin, Tamara Barney, and Alexis “Jugs for Jesus” Bellino. Gael Greene is also there wearing a stellar pink hat. Fact: there are more brain cells in one square inch of Gael Greene’s hat than there are in all three of these Housewives put together.

I would just like to point out that these are three of the women who made stupid fucking assholes of themselves at Hubert Keller’s Fleur de Lis, including the one – yes, Jugs, we’re looking at you – who spit out a piece of his foie gras.

Not only do they have NO BUSINESS AT ALL judging anything remotely resembling a culinary competition, they flat out shouldn’t be allowed around food, period. Just let them live on boxed pinot and Nutri System shakes and tell them it’s high end and gourmet. Slap a Vuitton label on it and charge them $175, and they’ll be convinced it must be good.

First they eat Wylie’s Russian Tea Room accompanied by Arctic Char with Lentils, Bacon, Crispy Potatoes and Lemon Yogurt. Tamara thinks it’s to die for. Gael Greene’s Hat thinks the pairing with the cocktail is off, and suddenly Tamara changes her mind. Fact: Gael Greene’s Hat has the power of mind control over children, small dogs, and Tamara Barney. The children and small dogs are way more of a challenge.

Waxman’s Lemongrass Mojito with Pork Tenderloin and Poblano Stuffed Shrimp with Avocado Butter is next. Gael Greene’s hat says that the “pork is so perfectly cooked.” Alexis tells us “pork is not something I eat much of,” so it’s not her favorite.

Then we have Mark’s Ginger Figgle (Ginger FiGael Greene’s Hatle) and Mussel Custard with Lime and figs. Gael Greene’s Hat loves the texture of the custard. Tamara doesn’t like the ginger in the dish.

Moving to Moonen’s Forest Fruits with Cream Biscuit Berry Shortcake. They love the dessert. Lynne slurs “thish ish frozhen yogurt, riiiiiigh?” fretting that it won’t be on her weight watchers plan otherwise. Gael Greene’s Pink Hat gives her a look of disgust. Sadly, the Hat’s disgust isn’t quite potent enough to dehydrate Lynne entirely, leaving behind only a small pile of tan dust and two implants, but it does cause her already craptastic facelift to droop a little further.

Then they have Graham’s Coriander Mule with Crudo of Black Cod with an Edamame and Red Onion Salad. The housewives spend the next 75 minutes struGael Greene’s Hatling to pronounce edamame. Once they get this out of the way and manage to eat some of it, it transpires that Alexis likes it, but the others find it too strong.

Finally, they have Ludo’s Nutmeg Apple Mojito withRoasted Pork Chop with Rosemary, Thyme and Garlic. Tamara finds the ginger not overpowering, but Gael thinks it’s too much. Alexis says the drink doesn’t go with the pork. Lynne says she’s not the best judge of pork, because “I don’t really eat red meat.” Somewhere in the universe, baby Jesus cries silently about how dumb these women are.

In the back, Ludo astutely points out that these women “don’ know wha’ the fuck they’re talking about.” I have a rare moment of liking Ludo, because he’s dead on. He’s competing for Chase for Life.

Score time! K-Choi tells them that 5 received four stars and one received 5 stars.

The chef with the perfect score was. . . .

Commercial. But I bet it’s Moonen. These bitches are too stupid to appreciate anything more complex than a strawberry shortcake.

Back. And the perfect score goes to. . . .Jonathan! Wow! Yay! I didn’t give them enough credit. He gets $5000 for Meals on Wheels.

Moonen is pissed that Waxman finished 20 minutes early and still won.

But now it’s elimination challenge time. And they’re going to the pub. Wow, this is the episode where you either win money for your charity or a free trip to Promises for yourself, I guess. Their challenge is to create an upscale version of a traditional pub dish. I LOVE THIS. I love the challenges this year – grilled cheese, soul food, and now pub grub? It’s like they’re speaking directly to me.

Jonathan gets to choose his dish since he won the quickfire, and he picks Shepherd’s Pie. Ludo and Rick fight over fish and chips. Ludo tells us “ze guy’s a master of feesh. You need to poot heem een zis uncomfortable zone. I wanna see Reeck take some meet. But, Reeck an-seests, like a leetle child ‘I want mah feesh an’ cheeps, I want zees.’ Ok, take it bro.”

Ultimately, Rick gets fish and chips, and the rest of them sort out what they’ll be making. They will be working at one of “America’s top Irish establishments, Tom Bergin’s Tavern.”

Shopping. They have 45 minutes and $250. Mark Peel plans to make seafood sausage for his version of toad in a hole. Moonen resents the intrusion into his seafood. He wants to win for Three Square. Wylie jokingly offers to help Ludo read the bags of vegetables. “These are carrots.” “oh yeah, you can take eet an enjoy yourself tonight,” Ludo fires back. Another rare moment where I like Ludo --go Frenchy! He says it’s going to be hard to beat him this time because he’s really going to take a risk.

Back to the kitchen where they have 2 hours to prep. Graham informs us that “kidneys fucking suck to clean.” He’s trying to mask the flavor rather than showcasing them as they traditionally are in the pie. Waxman says he isn’t trying to razzle-dazzle anyone with his shepherd’s pie.

One hour! Moonen works to add flavor to his crust for the fish. He thinks Ludo is uncomfortable with the concept of the challenge. Ludo says there’s no love in Irish stew and “I want poot love een mah deesh.”

Time! Peel feels very good – he’s finished 80% of what he needs to do. And thank god, we don’t get the dire foreshadowing shots of left behind food this time. Commercial.

Back! Day of. The Chefs roll up to Tom Bergin’s tavern, which Wylie says looks like a place with some soul. They have an hour to cook. Ludo regards Rick as his biggest (or biGael Greene’s Hatest) competition, and doesn’t think it’s fair that Rick gets to do something so completely in his wheelhouse when Ludo doesn’t get to do French food. Half of me thinks he’s right, and the other half of me wants to smack him and tell him to stop his whining. Moonen thinks his dish will put him on the winning platform. He feels confident he can win out over all the chefs. 10 minutes.

Mark Peel’s oven is cold, so he turns it up to 475. Ludo keeps hassling people trying to find a place to work. Graham wants to hit him. Peel’s Yorkshire puddings “are solidified dough, and there’s nothing I can do.”

Time! Ludo serves first. The critics this week are Rayner, Gail Simmons, and Gael Greene with a kicky red hat. I love the dual Gail/Gael episodes. It’s like you get twice the Gail/Gael for your dollar.

Ludo introduces his lighter version of Irish Stew: Beef Tenderloin with Confit of Potatoes and Clarified Butter, Roasted Peanut MIso and Caramel of Guinness. Gael finds it bizarre that there are uncooked vegetables in the stew. Gail likes the Guinness and honey glaze. Nom. Who WOULDN’T like a Guinness and honey glaze? Rayner says “there would be a riot in a pub” if you served them this. As if on cue, some old geezer pipes up “This is not Irish stew!”

I want to be that geezer. Top Chef DC needs to film a Commonwealth challenge tout de suite – if they do it at 6:30 on a week night, I’m there half the time anyway.

Next is Rick’s Fish and Chips inspired Chicken Fried Sable Fish with Lemon Confit Tartar Sauce, Twice Fried Potatoes and Fennel Slaw. Rayner likes the fish and the salad. Gail finds the potatoes difficult to eat and a little hard.

They move on to Wylie’s Bangers and Mash inspired Merguez Bangers, Smoked Mashed Potatoes, Onion Jus and Snow Peas. YUM. Gael Greene’s Hat thinks the spiciness of the sausage is wonderful. Rayner likes his jus and that it’s recognizably Bangers and Mash

Then we have is Graham’s Steak & Kidney Pie inspired Free Form Steak and Kidney Pie, Roasted Beef Tenderloan, Chanterelle Puree and Bacon-Kidney Viniagrette. Tenderloan? Tenderloan??? Bravo, please take out a tenderloan and pay for spelling lessons for your interns. Anyway, Gael Greene’s Hat thinks his meat is perfectly rare, but doesn’t know why he killed the taste of the kidneys. Rayner likes the chantrelle cream.

Mark brings out his Toad in the Hole inspired Toad in the Hole with Seafood Sausage, Onion Sauce, Lobster Broth and Mustard Greens. Please just enjoy the picture of this dish for a moment so you can fully appreciate how phallic it is.


Rayner says the dough portion isn’t a traditional Yorkshire pudding. Gail realizes it’s not cooked through. They like his greens and onion sauce.

Finally, we have Waxman’s Shepherd’s Pie inspired Shepherds Pie with Lamb, Mashed Potatoes and Parmesan Cheese. Gael says the lamb couldn’t have been juicier. Rayner says it’s the essence of Shepherd’s Pie.

The assorted geezers and pub attendees fill out their comment cards, and the critics prepare to head back to the table. Commercial!

Fake back! Wylie says there’s a lot of mystery surrounding Mr. Waxman. Waxman says “when I get in the zone, ingredients just talk to me.. . it’s like a kaleidoscope of beautiful things.” Wylie says “He’s got a little Gandalf in him.” It’s nice that all the chefs seem to be as in love with Jonathan Waxman as I am.

Back! Ludo and Moonen have an exceedingly stupid fight that we’ve already seen most of in the commercials. It’s basically Ludo talking and Moonen shouting “I am talking here!” It makes me dislike them both intensely.

Critics’ Table. They begin with Ludo. Gael asks where the lemongrass came from.

Gail says there’s no way that dish was Irish stew. Ludo fights back a little. Ludo must’ve pissed in the Bravo producers’ cornflakes the last time he was on the show, because they really seem to hate him. They’re editing him so that he looks like an out of control lunatic. Or. . . that’s just who he is, and they love him for giving them so much material to work with.

Moving on to Mark’s Toad in the Hole, Gael Greene’s Hat calls it “a beautiful well brought up sausage in an unpleasant environment.” K-Choi says his greens were a highlight.

Next is Waxman. Gail says everything on the plate was “flavorful, robust and exciting.”

Wylie explains his use of merguez sausage in his dish. Rayner said he liked it very much, but found the sausage a little dry.

Graham explains what he did to the kidneys. Rayner says “You hate kidneys, don’t you?” Graham admits he’s not a fan. Gail defends him a little, saying the flavor was there and good.

We finish up with Rick. Rayner calls his dish a “21st century version of fish and chips,” but Gail says the chips were a little thick and “unruly to eat.”

K-Choi asks how they felt about their second time on Top Chef Masters. This is where we see the heavily previewed moment where Graham Elliot Bowles compares Waxman to Kenobi. Gail dryly says “may the force be with you” as they’re sent back to the kitchen to drink.

Ludo then goes on the stereotypical French douchebag rant about how “eEEngleesh peeeple ‘ave no taste. . .I mean, whadju wan’ to do weeth these fucking food, man? Eees fucking disgusting.”

Back in the Critics’ Table Room, Gael Greene’s Hat calls his stew a “United Nations dish,” because it has something from every country he’s ever been to. Except, of course Ireland. Meanwhile, Ludo continues on his tear about how the English – and therefore Jay – are jealous of the French – and therefore him – because the French have culture, while the English apparently have nothing.

Sigh.

It is taking every bone in my body – and remember, as many of those bones are French as English – not to say something along the lines of “you’d be speaking fucking German if it wasn’t for us, you stupid fucking Frog bastard, so wrap your wine-drenched Gauloise stinking 'culture' around that and smoke it, or stick it up your arse. No one gives a flying shit.”

Back at Critics’ Table, Rayner calls Mark’s pudding “a staggering" (or a staGael Greene’s Hatering) "unmitigated disaster.” Gail loved Jonathan’s stew and the potato puree. Gael Greene’s Hat found Wylie’s dish restrained, for him, while Gail found his banger a little overcooked.

Gail says the steak in Graham’s pie was perfect, but his kidneys were problematic because he doesn’t like them. She also says Rick’s fish was great, but the chips were not. Gael Greene’s Hat agrees.

K-Choi calls the chefs back in. One of them will win $10,000 and two will move on to the champion’s round.

They start with Jonathan. Gail gives him 4 stars; Gael Greene’s Hat 5; Jay 5; and the diners 4.5 stars. His total 18.5/20. He’s the winner! Yay!!!!!! I love him.

Commercial!

Back! More scores. Mark gets 3 stars from Rayner; 2.5 from Gail; 3 from Gael Greene's Hat; and 1 (OUCH) from the diners. His total is 9.5.

Moving to Ludo, Gail gives him 3; Gael Greene's Hat gives him 3; Rayner gives him 3, and the diners give him 2. A total of 11. Mark is out. He reflects that the one point from the diners is the one that hurts.

Graham gets 3.5 from Gael Greene's Hat; 2.5 from Rayner; 3 from Gail; and 4.5 from the diners. Whoa. His total is 13.5. Ludo is out. Good. Suck it, Froggie. Or as this briefly read, "suck it, "FroGael Greene’s Hatie".

Wylie gets 4 from Gael Greene's Hat; 3.5 from Ryner; 3.5 from Gael; and 3.5 from the diners. That was consistent. So he beats Graham by one point. So now they have to come back next season and see who gets the best 2/3.

Finally, Rick gets 4 from Rayner; 4 from Gail; 4 from Gael Greene's Hat, and 4 from the diners for a total of 16. So Rick is moving on, which I have mixed feelings about. I really liked him last season, but this season he was just a dick.

K-Choi sends them back to the kitchen. Ludo also swears to come back again and win, even if he has to be on Top Chef Masters 10.

Next time! THE CAST OF MODERN FAMILY!!!! Yay!!! And then my DVR cuts out.