George vs. Giudice

Ok. So as you may recall, in the last chapter of Jordan and George's culinary adventures, I made George a smoothie, which he seemed to enjoy. But I felt like it wasn't enough; I felt like because of my pale attempts at hospitality, George was looking down on me.

This, of course, may be due in part to the fact that he spent a lot of time literally looking down on me, from the top of the staircase. But still. I felt his judgement. I felt his disappointment. And I decided to rise to the challenge.

So we went back online and looked at the Rachel Ray Feeds Your Pets recipes, and found one for Peanut-Carob Isabooscotti.

I looked at George. "I'm not buying you carob chips," I told him, "and your name is not Isaboo."

And so we modified the recipe to make. . . .George's Peanut Butter Pug-scotti

You will need: milk, whole wheat flour, chunky peanut butter, baking powder, and cinnamon. You start off by taking all the dry ingredients and combining them in a bowl.

In another bowl, microwave about a cup of peanut butter for 5-10 seconds, just so it gets soft. Whisk in a cup of milk. This is going to take some doing -- the peanut butter was pretty stubborn, and didn't break down without a fight.

Then you add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients, and mix them together. You're probably going to have to get in there with your hands, and you're going to get dough under your fingernails. Don't eat it. I know it sounds like it's just flour and peanut butter, and it'll be fine, but it's completely unsweetened and pretty gag-worthy.

Take that ball of dough and shape it into a long, flat log. Yes, I know that making something into a long, flat log sounds horribly unappetizing. Sadly, that's pretty much the way every biscotti recipe describes it, and that's what it is. And then you bake it for 20 minutes at 400 degrees.

Take it out, and then let it cool for 10 minutes. Then cut it into one inch slices on an angle, put them back on the baking sheet, and bake them for another 10-12 minutes.

Pop those suckers out and let them cool completely so your dog doesn't burn his or her tongue. And for god's sake, if you're going to try a piece yourself, don't do it now. Because if you do, twenty minutes later you'll find yourself thinking "maybe they're not so awful when they're scorching hot." But they are.

For humans, that is.

I know it seems like George is eyeing his pug-scotti with great suspicion here, but really he's just being very good -- I gave him his command to wait while I put the cookie down, and he did! And then when I said okay, he scorfed it.

He had another one later and took it off to eat in a more convenient spot where he could get crumbs all over my carpet. And while he was doing this, I found myself thinking -- this second experiment had worked out ok for George. . .but it really hadn't done anything at all for me.

So I decided the time had come to try out one of my most recent cookbook purchases, and make myself some human biscotti.

You will need: flour, cocoa, 3 eggs, regular sugar,confectioners sugar, chocolate chips, sliced almonds, vanilla extract, almond extract, salt, baking powder, and a copy of a cookbook written by one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, the purchase of which probably caused a seismic event when all of my Calabrese ancestors simultaneously spun in their graves.

(Seriously -- don't write it off. The recipes are largely intuitive [or are if you grew up eating actual Italian food rather than cheese stuff, cream sauced, double breaded {delicious} crap], but there are some neat twists, some really sound advice, and the writing is really engaging. Shockingly engaging. It threw me for a loop)

Anyway, the process of making double chocolate biscotti for people is in some ways, a lot like making peanut butter pug-scotti for George. You're going to start by whipping the eggs, granulated sugar, and vanilla and almond extracts in a bowl for about 3 minutes on high speed.


Yes, that is the world's oldest electric mixer. Yes, I go through a blender about once a year, but I have a yellow hand mixer that's probably older than I am and has a dangerous ass plug that is like an electrocution waiting to happen that will not die.

In another bowl, you're going to combine the flour, cocoa, baking powder, and salt together. Add this to the egg mixture until it forms a sticky dough. Then stir in the chocolate chips and sliced almonds.

This is the point at which I just started mindlessly eating dough. It was hard to stop. It was really, really delicious.

Cover a work area with confectioners sugar, and use that to roll the dough into a non-sticky snake. Then put your snake on a cookie sheet lined in parchment, and form it into a -- you guessed it! -- long, flat log.

What rolls downstairs, alone or in pairs, rolls over your neighbors dog? What's great for a snack, and fits on your back? It's LOG, LOG, LOG.

Take your log and bake it at 350 for about 30 minutes. At the end of this time, it will look like a slightly dusky loaf of pumpernickel bread, with a nice crack along the top, and it'll be firm to the touch.

So you let that cool for 30 minutes, and reduce the oven to 325 degrees. After the LOG, LOG, LOG has cooled, you're going to do just exactly what you did with the Pug-scotti -- cut it into 1" pieces on an angle. Then you pop them back into the oven for about ten minutes, then flip them over and pop them in for another 10 minutes.

Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom.

Again, let them cool before eating them, because they will burn the crap out of your mouth. But when they've cooled completely and you do eat them. . .they are so Holy-God-Good. The one thing I think I'll change the next time I make them is that I might use orange extract rather than almond, but that's just me and the fact that I'm a sucker for anything citrus -- especially chocolate/orange combos.

So let me tell you a story. At some point when my younger sister was in high school and I was home from school on some vacation or another, one of her endless parade of slightly gormless WASPy boyfriends (yes, we have a type) came for dinner. And the time came for dessert, and my mother brought out some Stella D'Oro Anisette Toasts to have with our coffee or tea.

And this kid takes a bite out of the cookie, and you can see the look on on his face as he's trying not to be rude but struggling with the texture being so different than he was expecting, and he's watching as all of us pass around the plate and wondering if he should let us know that these cookies? They are hard as rocks. You can see this kid thinking that these cookies are stale, and wondering why we're all watching him.

And then we laughed at him. Because that's how we roll.

Ever since then, I've never seen someone looked so perplexed by a biscotti. Until yesterday. George? Looked just as confused as the poor sucker my sister dragged home for dinner.
Except he's not wondering about the texture. He's wondering why he gets dry ass unsweetened peanut butter biscotti, and I get delicious double chocolate ones.

"Sorry, George," I told him, nibbling on my biscotti. "Chocolate is not good for dogs. And Teresa's biscotti dominate your pug-scotti. You totally lost that cook off."

At that point, George barked "Prostitution Whore!" and flipped a table at me. George is a great guest. He's just not a good loser.