Top Chef Masters: The Gods Must Be Crazy

Susan Feniger
Was the last lady standing
Shot down by sammich

(Pouts).

I hate this episode.

Not because it was a bad episode, but because it meant the end of Susan. Who I LOVE. Who is a total kick. Who, with her tininess and her sassiness and her ‘60’s cheerleading pictures kind of reminds me of my mom.

And I know – I know, I know, I know – that this season is probably heading toward a showdown between the three young-ish cocky bucks, and that this means the older, “cuddlier” contestants (the ladies and Tony and next week Jonathan) will have to go to make room for the Clash of the Titanic Egos that Bravo wants to set up as the endgame.

And I know that it had to be her or Jonathan this week, and he is still my absolute favorite; and it was his birthday.

But still. I’m haunted by one word: Why? Why Susan? Why wasn’t it me licking those envelopes? Why am I still here?

(Pouts)

Let’s take one last look at ‘60’s cheerleader Susan before we get down to business.

Ahhhhhh. It’s like a palate cleanser for my mopey-ness.

Los Angeles! Top Chef, Masters Kitchen! The five remaining chefs report for duty, and Jonathan says he’s happy to have made Final 5 but they’re down to his “fiercest competitors.” Rick is determined to step it up a notch.

K-Choi tells them to get their palates ready for the ultimate taste test – identifying ingredients. Susur is confident because he has a really good palate. Susan is freaked out because she hasn’t done classic sauces in 27 years. They draw pots to see who’s paired up and who gets a pass. Jonathan gets to sit out the first round. Rick says he’s always lucky because “he is Obi Wan. He’s got the Force.”

Susur and Marcus go first. Marcus says he has an impeccable palate, and he protects it by not smoking or drinking a lot. They taste for 15 seconds – their sauce is a blended chausseur. Susur says the trick is to taste only twice so you don’t overwhelm your palate. He thinks he can name 4 ingredients. Marcus show-case-showdowns him with 5, then Susur bumps to 6. Susur goes, and lists carrots, celery, onion, tomato, red wine vinegar. . .and vegetable oil. He moves on. He says “I’m the sauce tasting master.”

Rick and Susan come in for their round with the chausseur. Rick can’t tell what sort of sauce it’s meant to be, but thinks he can identify 3 ingredients. Susan goes to 4. Rick says 5. Susan says 6. Rick lets Susan go. She names onions, butter, salt. . .and her mind freezes up. She says red wine, and gets buzzer. K-Choi tells her there was “white wine and red wine vinegar, but no red wine.” Rick moves on.

For the next round, they ID ingredients one at a time, like a spelling bee. The sauce is Thai Green Curry. Rick opens with coconut milk; Jonathan says garlic; Susur says lemongrass. Then Rick says something that sounds like Weimaraner, but that can’t be right. Can it? Are there Weimaraner’s in Thai Green Curry?

I hope not, but whatever he said, it was right. Anyway. Jonathan says butter, and gets buzzed. No butter! There’s no butter in Thai Green Curry (it’s the Weimaraners that give it its creaminess).

Jonathan says he should’ve gone with ginger since a piece was stuck in his teeth. Susur says sugar. Ding! Susur and Rick move on to the final tasting.

The final sauce is a lobster sauce. Rick opens with tomato. Susur says lobster. Rick counters with white wine. Susur says garlic. BUZZ! Rick wins. Susur is “totally completely pissed. How the hell you make lobster sauce without garlic?”

Rick says it feels good to win because he thinks he played it smart. Commercial!

Back! Time for the elimination challenge. K-Choi says they’re giving them some “divine inspiration” and tells them to draw knives. Jonathan gets Poseidon; Susan gets Aphrodite; Marcus Ares; Rick Hades; and Susur Dionysus, which naturally, he can’t say. I call set up on this – after the laughs they got for his “aahhh…Margyu,” they absolutely weren’t going to give him Hera or something easy.

Susur tells us “When I look at da knife and I saw dis long writing I say ‘what the hell is that, looks like a ‘cyclopedia.”

K-Choi tells them their challenge is to cook a dish inspired by that god, and serve tasting portions to 50 diners. They’ll have a total of 4 hours to cook and prep. Susur has no idea who his god is.

Does anyone else find it suspect that there’s one goddess, and the one female cheftestant remaining got her? I mean, I know the other Greek goddesses aren’t necessarily intuitive to cook for (“in honor of Athena, goddess of wisdom, I have made you this delicious seared breast of owl…”), but that the one lady chef got the one lady god. . .again. Feels like a set up.

They head out to do their shopping. In their remorselessly shilled product-placement vehicles, Rick and Jonathan discuss their plans. Rick plans to do something spicy/diavolo to go with Hades, but still plans to do seafood. Jonathan tries to psyche him out into doing meat. They bump heads. Adorbs.

They arrive at Whole Foods with 45 minutes to shop and a budget of $500. Rick, Marcus, and Jonathan race for the seafood counter and fight over the scallops. Marcus plans on doing a tartar based dish because Ethiopian war-time dishes are done without fire so the enemy can’t see the smoke from your camp. Smart. Susan is doing a coconut jam toast because it’s “creamy and silky and sexual” and loaded with eggs to represent reproduction. Rick finds root vegetables to signify the underworld. He says he’s “feelin’ diabolical; lovin’ the role play.”
Susur is still confused “I have no fuckin’ clue of this character of Dionysus. This Greek god love drinking, but in terms of cuisine, it dun’ make sense. Wha, you gonna get drunk an’ slop all over da plate?” He’s nervous.

Back to the kitchen with an hour and a half to prep. Jonathan identifies with Poseidon because “He’s a cool guy with a beard; he’s got all these mermaids annoying him, saying ‘daddy I want this, daddy I want that.’” I write down that Jonathan is clearly thinking about the Disney version of Poseidon (who is actually called King Neptune, but whatever), and am quickly proven right because he follows this up by saying his daughter has watched Little Mermaid thousands of times.

Oh, what the hell. It’s his birthday:
Susan is making “love custard.” Oooh, sounds filthy! Rick is making “everything crusted swordfish.” He wants to create chaos on the plate because “hell is chaos.” Everyone complains about the devil throwing them off as Rick dances around doing a devil laugh. I’m going to complain about something different for a moment: this notion that Hades is the same as the Christian Satan, and that his underworld is anything like the Christian Hell. I realize that it’s an hour long reality show, and they have to be reductive to a) get the point across and b) come up with something to cook, but come ON, people. Way to contribute to the dumbing down of America.

Ok. Smartypants rant over.

Marcus says that “war spelled backward is raw” and adds that he misses his wife, who is from the land of the Tartars. We see their matching coat wedding picture again.

Susur has kind of given up on cooking for Dionysus and is focusing on cooking for the critics. Marcus begs Rick for a little wasabi. Marcus feels confident because even though he’s the youngest in the competition, he runs and works out? Jonathan, conversely, turns 59 tomorrow. Aw, Happy Birthday, Jonathan! Commercial!



Back! 2 hours to cook! Kelly welcomes them back to the kitchen. She tells them there’s a little business to take care of. . .and in comes . . .a birthday cake for Jonathan! It’s shaped like the Alps because he usually spends his birthday in the French Alps. How Fucking Adorable.

After a champagne toast and some cake, they get down to work. Marcus says his back is killing him, and he’s really worried.

1 hour 40 minutes. Susan loved getting Aphrodite because life is all about love. She hopes her dish isn’t too simple. Susur feels better today because he had a middle of the night revelation about Dionysus being Greek and liking wine, so he’s using Mediterranean ingredients and a wine glaze.

Rick is trying not to get into a false sense of security. 19:22. Marcus’ back is still really bad, so he doesn’t have his usual advantage of being able to move really fast. He thinks about his biological dad who everyone thought had died in a war when Marcus was 3, but years and years later they learned that he’d survived. He says his father’s love gives him a reason to fight on.

Susan says her biggest challenge is getting everything done to order. Rick’s biggest concern is his swordfish crust, which could easily sweat and get soggy. Time!

They roll into the worst banquet hall style "Greek" decorated mess, and set up for 30 minutes. Susan drapes her station in ivy and puts a flower in her hair. Jonathan says she looks like Aphrodite, and asks her if she feels like it too. She replies “Always. I’m in that sensual sexual mode.”

6 minutes! Jonathan says there’s a general panic among all of them, and wishes he had another pair of hands.

Guests enter! There are apparently more people than they expected. The judges enter, and begin with Susur. He tells them “my god love drinking wine, so I use Chinese wine to marinate the pork.” He’s made Roasted Pork Loin Marinated in Chinese Wine, Croquette with Feta and Risotto, and Santorini Olives. Rayner says it’s “very Susur” but he’s unsure about the olives.

Next they visit Marcus’ station where he explains his no fire technique and serves them Cured Beef and Salmon with Apple Broth and Oyster Foam. Gael Greene’s Hat says the texture of the salmon is wonderful, and Rayner finds the flavors compelling, but Gail Simmons says they’re a bit “muddy.”

Next they go to Susan, who serves them Coconut Jam Toast with Sweet Butter, Dark Soy, and a Fried Egg with White Pepper. Nom (it’s 6:05 in the morning as I’m finishing this, and that sounds like an excellent breakfast). Gail Simmons says it would be so much better if it was hot rather than room temperature, but she loves the coconut jam, and wants to “[spread] it on a loved one.”

Over in “Hell,” Rick serves up his Swordfish Crusted with Flaked Garlic, Onions, and Poppyseeds, Crimson Potatoes, Daikon, Radishes, and Parsnips. He tells them “if you don’t like it, you can go to hell.” Gail Simmons finds it delicious and earthy. Gael Greene’s Hat says the only flaw is the swordfish, which Gail Simmons calls “dry but flavorful.”

Finally we hit Waxman’s station, where he is searing scallops ala minute. His dish is Seared Scallops with Romesco Sauce, Cherry Tomatoes, String Beans, and Mashed Celery Puree. Gail Simmons says the Romesco has a little fire. Rayner thinks the scallop is overseasoned, and the Gail/Gaels agree.

The diners rate the dishes. Everyone heads out. Commercial!
Fake back! They’re playing around with a tiny smoker and drinking a lot of stoli. Susan and Rick mime smoking pot out of it.

More commercials. Hey, who’s seeing Sex and the City 2, ever? Yeah, not me.

Back! Finally! Jonathan says he has no idea where he is in the rankings. “I’m like a fried little potato that’s been fried too many times,” he tells them. Marcus says “I agree with that, 100%.”


Had to do it. Sorry.

Critics table. The chefs all file in. K-Choi thanks them for a wonderful evening.

They begin their critique with Susur. Gail tells him the ingredients were distinctive and prepared beautifully. They ask about the challenges of cooking on the little camp stove.

Moving to Jonathan, Gail thinks that his description of Poseidon (which involves the words “big” and “messy” and a description of him riding on a scallop shell) fits the dish precisely. Rayner says the scallops were the issue.

Marcus explains the war = no fire thing for the third time. Gail says the flavors were strong, but it was hard to differentiate things at first.

Rick gives them a demonstration of his demonic laugh. Gail loved the beet and potato combo. Burf. Rayner says the swordfish was a little dry.

Finally, Susan tells them she was thrilled to have Aphrodite. Rayner says it’s the kind of food you’d eat “after the act rather than before.”

The critics send the chefs out and start deliberating. Beginning again with Susur, Jay says that his dish was on the money. Gael Greene’s Hat says he clearly didn’t understand that Dionysus was a raucous god.

Moving to Jonathan, Rayner loves the mash and the Romesco, but he and Gail agree that the scallops were a problem.

For Marcus, Rayner thinks he took too intellectual a route, but he enjoyed it. Gail doesn’t think it was perfectly in balance.

Gail Simmons found Rick’s dish a bit unfocused. Gael Greene’s Hat loved it so much that she didn’t mind that the swordfish was overcooked.

Finally of Susan, Gail Simmons thought the coconut jam was beautiful, and will be making her eggs that way from now on. Rayner thinks something that’s basically a sandwich is not a likely dish to win the title of Top Chef, Master. Commercial!

Back! The chefs file once more into the critics’ table chamber. K-Choi tells them Marcus and Rick have the highest scores.

Marcus gets a 4 from Gael Greene’s Hat; a 3.5 from Gail Simmons; a 4 from Rayner, and a 4 from the diners for a total of 15.5. Rick gets a 4.5 from Gail Simmons; a 4.5 from Gael Greene’s Hat; a 4.5 from Rayner; and a 4.5 from the diners. His total is 18. Rick wins – another sweep for the episode! Wow! He and Marcus head back to the kitchen.

They give Susur his scores next: a 4 from Rayner; a 4 from Gail Simmons; a 4 from Gael Greene’s Hat; and a 3 from the diners. His total is 15. That’s so close to Marcus’ score, there’s no way he’s going home.

Next up is Susan, who gets a 2.5 from Gael Greene’s Hat; a 2 from Rayner; a 2.5 from Gail Simmons; and a 3.5 from the diners. Susur, as I predicted, is safe and can return to the kitchen.

Finally, Jonathan gets a 3 from Gail Simmons; a 2.5 from Rayner; a 3 from Gael Greene’s Hat; and a 4 from the diners. His total is 12.5. Jonathan is safe.

My immediate reaction is “Oh crap”. Jonathan’s my favorite, but Susan is a close second, and the last lady, and I’m heartbroken. She’s sad to be going home and doesn’t get why her scores were so low. She says her message for the critics is to come in and try it at Street.

Next: If you slip up, BOOM! You’re out! I want him to do what he does! He’s in the semi-finals!