Top Chef, Masters: Oh-Jody-oh-D'oh!

Tall red haired lady
Though your goat leg was too rare
I will miss you, ma’am

Another week, another Master out of the round of champions. And I’m bummed, both because I liked Jody a lot and found her really hilarious, and because I was so psyched that three lady chefs made the round of champions, and now we’re down to one.

And Jody showed such promise, too! She WON last week, for cryin’ out loud. I think that’s one of those things that shows that the Champions’ Round on Top Chef, Masters can really be anyone’s game – so far, there’s been so little carry over between challenges that no one’s really had the chance to dominate.

Anyway. Forgive me if this is sparse on details – I’m cat sitting again, and I’ve explained the situation with the cats and their mysterious cable before. But to make up for it, I have the picture of the cat disapproving of how I spend my evenings that I couldn’t get uploaded for you last time I was here:

Adorable, right? I know.

Morning! Los Angeles! Top Chef, Masters kitchen! We see a stunning array of Ziploc products before the chefs enter. Marcus interviews that it’s tense coming back, because now they know the reality of the competition. You would think the first round would’ve given them a tip off to that, but I guess not.

K-Choi tells them that some of them have already cooked for celebs and TV stars, but now they’re cooking for “true icons, known in every part of the world.” They each draw a knife with a Simpsons character on it. Susur draws “Marge” and pronounces it “Ahhh. . .Margyoo.” Then all the other chefs laugh at him because foreigners not pronouncing English names correctly is HI-larious.

They’ll be creating a gourmet dish for their character, and serving it to Matt Groening, Matt Selman, and Hank Azaria. They have 45 minutes.

Food Flurry! Rick is excited to have Homer and is thinking about making a sloppy joe sandwich. .. except it’s a shrimp sloppy D’oh! Heh. Jonathan loves the Simpsons and his children are big fans. He says “what would Bart eat” and comes up with pasta and a sandwich. Um, hello, Bart would eat my shorts, dude (and as such, I’d probably make him some kind of shortribs, perhaps with a very sweet sauce to represent the all syrup Squishee).

Suzanne is making hot chocolate and donuts for Moe. I don’t get it – donuts definitely sounds like a Chief Wiggum thing. I’d have to make Moe something from Uncle Moe’s Family Feedbag, perhaps a basket of Million Dollar Birthday Fries served on someone’s head.

Susur reminisces about watching Bewitched in China (or, as he describes it, a show where “this woman she’s a witch, and she always move her nose, and then something changes, and I always find that ver,y very magical,” but says he’ll have a problem with the Simpsons.

Marcus says he can see himself in Apu, because they’re both immigrants. That makes sense. Jody is making a vegetarian dish for Lisa – BBQ Beets. And then I had an allergy attack and died. Tony is frying bacon and dough and things for Chief Wiggum. Makes sense. He sets his bacon fat aside so he can pour it into the some honey.

Susur gets a drawing of Marge and a description of her from Jonathan, who apparently tells him she has “beeg hair an’ roun’ eyes, and is really loving the pork chops.”

Or that’s how Susur interprets the information. I want Susur to come to work with me and interpret my boss’s instructions. “Ok, you fix old website and then you answer correspondence and then you really loving the pork chops.” He then puts some garbage in Tony’s bacon fat or something. I lost track, I was so excited about the pork chops (and really, still thinking about his description of Bewitched).

Time! Some random cater waiters serve K-Choi and the Simpsons judges.

The first dish is Susan’s Moe inspired Millet Crispy Treats with Peanut Butter Chps, Donuts and Mexican Hot Chocolate. I kind of want the millet treats. Matt S. loves it. Matt G talks about how Moe is the ugliest character, and thinks Moe would love it. Hank says it would be the happiest moment of Moe’s life.

Next up is Tony’s dish for Chief Wiggum: Fried Bacon Honey Pizza Dough with Boozy Coffee. Goddamn, I want to eat the hell out of that. Matt G. says he pictures Wiggum drinking spiked coffee. Matt S wishes he could taste the bacon more and Hank agrees that Wiggum would want more bacon. Susur looks like he feels slightly guilty, since he’s the one who wrecked Tony’s magnificent, bacony schemes. We’ll forgive him, but only because he described Bewitched better than I’ve ever heard anyone do.

Then we get Susur’s Marge dish, which is a beautifully presented Purple Potatoes, pan Roasted Pork Chop and Glazed Grapes with Mustard Sauce. Oh my god, look at it. LOOK AT IT.

Matt S says Marge would love the creativity. Matt G feels guilty about eating Marge’s face, but he also thinks Marge would love it.

Rick’s Homer dish, Shrimp "Sloppy D'Oh!" with Truffle Chips and Beer, is funny. They really love the Sloppy D’Oh!, but Matt S wonders if Homer would feel cheated that it looked like a burger but was actually shrimp.

Jody’s vegetarian Lisa dish is Cracked Wheat Salad with Goat's Milk Rocotta,[sic] BBQ Beets and Baked Kale Chips. (Rocotta? Is it just me, or is it this the most basic, grievous error the Bravo Elves have made yet?) Matt G says he’s so used to “Homer type food” that this is quite refreshing. He then reminisces about Lisa becoming a vegetarian because Paul & Linda McCartney agreed to appear, and how Sir Paul’s one condition was that Lisa stay a vegetarian.

Next they get Marcus’ Apu inspired Tomato Soup with Rice, Chickpeas, Chutney, Melon and Nuts. Matt S. says it’s a full stacked Indian meal, but doesn’t know where the nuts would fit in. Hank says Apu would know. Matt G says Apu tries to disguise his origins, so making a totally Indian dish isn’t the best idea for the character.

Finally, we get Jonathan’s Bart dish, which is Spaghetti Bambino with Grilled Tomato, Ham and Cheese Sandwich. Hank says it’s really good. Matt S. says he’d like it and “Bart would brag about it at the schoolhouse the next day to make Nelson and Millhouse jealous.” Matt G says it’s the dish that could unite Springfield.

The Simpsons folk rate the meals. Rick says he knows he’s not going to win. That’s how you know that (spoiler alert!) he’s going to win. Commercial!

Back! K-Choi is giving the chefs the results. Susan gets 4 stars; Tony gets 3. At this point, I notice that he’s sprinkled Lucky Charms all over his plate, which is adorable. Susur gets 3.5. He’s happy about that since Simpsons is way out of his culture. Anyway, Marcus gets 4, Jody gets 4, Rick gets 4.5, and Jonathan gets 4. Rick wins $5000 for 3 square. He says it feels fantastic.

Next K-Choi tells them that for elimination, they’re bringing back a favorite elimination challenge. Some more cater waiters enter with giant carts full of insane food – Geoduck, goat leg, and so on. . .it’s the season 3 Exotic Surf and Turf Challenge. They have to make a delectable dish with exotic proteins from land and sea.

Dude, there’s Kangaroo on that cart. Kangaroo, people.

Rick chooses first since he won the quickfire, while the others grab pots to determine the order.

Rick picks monkish liver and black chicken. Tony takes jumbo squid and goat leg. Susur takes the same black chicken/monkfish liver combo that Rick took. Jody decides on goat leg and geoduck, while Marcus takes geoduck and kangaroo. Jonathan picks jumbo squid and duck tongue, while last-pick Susan gets sea cucumber and kangaroo.

K-Choi says they’ll be cooking for a group of diners who know exotic food – Andrew Zimmern and some of his “extreme cuisine crew.” Oh, terrific. A bunch of guys who go around eating the food of other cultures and treating it like some sort of hysterical frat-boy stunt.

Shopping! The chefs hit Whole Foods with 45 minutes and a budget of $200. Rick frets about Susur choosing the same ingredients because “they’re Asian ingredients and he’s from China.” Susur then tells a story about his sister tricking him into eating chicken testicles, which apparently “burst into tiny tiny tiny tiny eggs” when you eat them, and taste “pretty good, actually.”

Jody plans on treating her geoduck like any other clam since she’s from New England. Jonathan says he has no strategy and nothing’s speaking to him. Rick gets a chair massage before checking out. How come they don’t do that at my Whole Foods? Marcus is wearing some SPECTACULAR plaid pants. Commercial

Back! Food flurry! Tony says he’s comfortable with goat because it’s found throughout Italy. He’s more concerned about the giant squid because it’s “funkier” than he’d thought.

Jody bones her goat leg and blanches the geoduck so she can take off the foreskin. Then she talks about Julia Child being one of her mentors. Marcus talks about the weird food he’s eaten “cockroaches, veal brain, fish eye” and points out that “it’s only weird the first time you try it.”

Rick is making black chicken mousse, and throws ice cubes in to keep it from getting too warm. . .which backfires as it then gets too cold. Jonathan says this challenge isn’t his cup of tea, and that the duck tongue “looks like duck penis.” Well, the good news is, Zimmern should love it then. He says he can make anything taste good but “I want to love what I’m going to cook, and I’m not loving this.”

Susur says that black chicken’s feathers are actually white, and compares it to “an old hen running around on high heels.” Susan has zero idea what to do with the sea cucumber because “basically, it’s a slug.”

Time! And then time passes and it’s the next day, when they have an additional 2.5 hours to cook. Jody feels good, but is worried about time. She’s roasting her goat, and thinks that Tony is making a mistake in braising it because it won’t get tender.

Rick worries about his broken mousse, and sprinkles activa in to bind it together.

Marcus is trying to get creative with his ingredients. Then he talks about having tuberculosis as a kid and tells us “compared to that, this is not serious.” I mean, I suppose that’s a good philosophy to have, and it’s probably gotten him through a lot of stuff, but it seems a little bit out of nowhere.

Susur points out that he’s “a very physical person when I’m cooking.” He then tells Tony that he’s going to need more of the table. Tony gets pissy, and wants to beat him.

Susan says the kangaroo is “interesting,” and she’s quick cooking it because it’s really lean. She thinks all her food is going to taste really great, but there might be too much stuff on her plate.

Jonathan is “discombobulated” by his food and finds his squid scary.

9 minutes! Jody starts slicing her goat and realizes it’s not cooked enough. She throws it back in the oven. The guests and diners enter. Tony realizes he doesn’t have enough tender goat for the goat to be the main part of the dish.

Time! Commercial

Work of Art? Seriously, Bravo? SERIOUSLY???

Back. K-Choi asks Andrew Zimmern the strangest thing he’s ever eaten. It’s some sort of poisonous Icelandic shark. Yes, Andrew Zimmern, we’re all VERY impressed with your ability to eat poisonous sharks and the penises of every animal known to man.

The first dish out is Rick’s Poached Black Chicken Mousse and Roulade, Monkfish Liver Torchon, Buttered Leeks. Zimmern says the pairing is stunningly executed. Oseland thinks he treated the proteins respectfully.

They then give Zimmern another opportunity to talk, and he points out that what’s “weird in one culture is gramma food in another.” K-Choi nods, relishing the opportunity to act all wise because she’s from another culture. It’s nice that Zimmern has developed such a great perspective while dragging a camera crew around the world and making a spectacle of himself by consuming testicles.

Next up is Tony’s Crostino with Calamari in Zimino, Braised Goat Sauce, Goat Cheese Ravioli. Zimmern says it’s beautifully balanced. Oseland is disappointed that “the goat has been reduced to a few threads.” Zimmern talks about how he just came back from Mongolia where blah blah blah he ate some goat.

Susur’s Poached Monkfish Liver, Black Chicken Veldute, Black Chicken with Monkfish Liver is next. K-Choi says the texture of the chicken leg is beautiful. Gael Greene’s Hat says “I’m saving this to scratch your back” and toasts Oseland with the leg. ADORBS. Gael Greene’s Pink Straw Hat is clearly one of the frisky hats. Oseland says you can taste the monkfish more in this dish than you could in Rick’s.

Next is Jody’s Sicilian Spiced Roast Goat, Geoduck and Chickpea Chowder, Homemade Harissa. Oseland says it’s the rarest he’s ever seen goat. Zimmern likes the geoduck chowder.

Marcus’ Geoduck and Kangaroo Sausage, Geoduck with Couscous, Geoduck and Kangaroo Tartare is next. The random diners like it, but find the elements confusing. We don’t care about them.

Then we have Jonathan’s messy looking Giant Squid Fritto Misto, Fried Duck Tongue, Fideo with Duck Tongue. One guy says it’s the best duck tongue he’s had in a long time. Zimmern says it needs editing. Another dude says it looks like a teenager was let loose at the buffet line.

Susan’s Marinated Sea Cucumber, Fried Sea Cucumber, Kangaroo with Juniper Sauce closes out the evening. Oseland says the entire plate is ADD. Zimmern says it’s too much going on, but he can’t stop eating it. And then he says something about a jellyfish and peanut butter sandwich. Yes, we get it. You eat strange things. We’re all very impressed.

K-Choi asks the diners to rate the dishes. Jody says she’s glad to have it over with because “whatever happens happens.” Commercial.

Fake back! Jonathan interviews about his friendship with Rick and how Rick has a great demeanor. Rick says he’s very serious, and then we see footage of him goofing around a lot. Susur says “the first time I met Rick, I thought ‘I love this guy already’” because of his charisma.

Back! The chefs are sitting around the table talking about who they think will win. Then they go to Critics Table.

K-Choi asks Rick how the challenge was, and he explains his “French and Asian approach” to the ingredients Oseland thinks the black chicken roulade could’ve been more delicate. Rick defends it as a textural choice. I love how any time a chef fucks something up royally, they can call it a textural choice.

Rayner says Tony’s dish was “accomplished” but feels the crostini needed more salt. Oseland then says there wasn’t enough goat with the ravioli.

Rayner tells Susur the technique on the leg was “very impressive.” Oseland says the phyllo purse with vegetables was unsuccessful.

Gael Greene’s Hat calls Jody out for her rare goat. Jody says “well, it was supposed to be exotic,” and everyone cracks up. See? Gael Greene’s Pink Straw Hat leads to good times all around.

Rayner says Marcus’ flavors were “very very powerful” and that while they were good individually, the overall package was too intense. He also thinks the geoduck was overcooked. Oseland agrees.

Oseland wanted a finer noodle with Jonathan’s fideo. Gael Greene’s Hat liked the noodles and the fritto misto.

Rayner tells Susan she did “amazing things” with the sea cucumber. Oseland says she rendered the food very well, but there was too much on the plate.

The chefs leave so the critics can deliberate.

Oseland thinks Tony, Susur, and Rick really embraced the ingredients. Gael Greene’s Hat points out that those are the chefs who had first choice. Ooh, sneaky that they know that—or is it just that Gael Greene’s Pink Straw Hat is ALL KNOWING? Oseland thinks Rick’s dish was “Rick at his best,” but Rayner calls Susur’s riff on the same ingredients “close to genius.” Rayner also liked Tony’s ravioli but still thinks there wasn’t enough salt on the crostini. Oseland thinks that made the ingredients sing.

Rayner thinks Susan’s deep fried sea cucumber was “a revelation” but Oseland still thinks there was “just too much” on the plate.

Rayner thinks Jody’s harisa was wonderful, but they still hate her roast goat. Rayner compares Marcus’s dish to “taking 10 rounds with Mike Tyson,” Gael Greene’s Hat liked his sausage. Woo! Filthy. Gael Greene’s Hat also says Jonathan’s duck tongues were “the best duck tongues I’ve ever had” (and Gael Greene’s Hat knows something about tongues ifyaknowhatImean) but Oseland thinks the fritto misto was oily.

K-Choi goes back to the kitchen and calls Susur, Rick, Susan, and Tony. The other three realize they’re in the bottom.

Back in the table room, K-Choi tells them the win came down to Rick and Susur. They tell them their scores. Rick gets 4.5 from Gael Greene’s hat; 4 from Oseland; 4.5 from Rayner, and 3.5 from the diners for a total of 16.5. Susr gets 5 from Rayner; 4.5 from Oseland; 5 from Gael Greene’s Hat, and 4.5 from the diners for a total of 19.

So two things here: first, I think it’s kind of bullshit that they don’t tell the other two of the top four what their scores were. I for one would be interested in knowing if they were right on Rick’s heels, or if Rick was MILES ahead of the rest of them, and they were closer to the Marcus/Jonathan/Jody end of the spectrum.

Second, how INSANE is Susur’s talent level? I think the only person in THE WHOLE ILLUSTRIOUS SAGA OF TOP CHEF, MASTERS' TWO SEASON HISTORY to have a higher score than that is. . .him. In round one.

Anyway, with that stunning rout, Susur wins $10,000 for the Agassi foundation. He’s excited that the judges got his food and understand what he was doing. Rick expected the scores to be a little closer, and is disappointed in himself. He then says Susur is “the man to beat.”

The bottom 3 chefs go into the deliberation room. Commercial. Good Christ, it’s 11:07. How much longer will this go on?

Back! K-Choi tells the remaining chefs they have the lowest scores. Thank you, K-Choi, master of the obvious.

Jonathan gets his scores first. Gael Greene’s Hat gives him 3 stars; Rayner gives him 3.5; Oseland gives him 2.5 and the diners give him 2 for a total of 11. Ouch. Then Marcus gets 3 from Oseland; 3 from Gael Greene’s Hat; 3 from Rayner, and a 2.5 from the diners for a total of 11.5. He and his spectacular plaid pants squeak in by half a point, but he’s safe and can return to the kitchen.

Finally, we move to Jody’s scores. She gets 2.5 from Rayner; 2.5 from Oseland; 3 from Gael Greene’s Hat; and 2.5 from the diners. So she’s out. Oh, man. Jody was one of my favorites, and I’m sad to see her go, but I’m SO GLAD Jonathan isn’t leaving. And she’s won $17,500 for her charity? So that’s really good. But now we’re just down to one lady chef in the final 6.

Jody says Top Chef Masters gave her a chance to show her children the possibility of challenging yourself. She talks about Julia Child telling her “you stop, you die” and adds “I’m not ready to stop.

Next! Tailgating! Ready for battle! Trojans! It was hard to eat! You’re wrong!