Top Chef Masters, Wedding Wars: The Chefs Served Food; The Bride Served Melons

Adios, Carmen
All help; not enough cooking
First champion out.

So look -- I like Carmen. I think she's adorable. She looks like she'd fit in my pocket; she's got moxy; she made an epic comeback; and when I went to bed last night, I was very sad to see her leave.

But since I woke up this morning, I've just been pissed about the fact that the usually barely competent Bravotv.com interns have really crapped the bed on this episode.

There are no episode photographs up, just "rate the plate" photos. There aren't "rate the plate" photos of every dish -- they have all 3 of Tony's entrees, but none of Marcus' mushy tenderloin. There aren't descriptions of every dish they have pictures of. They only described the stew on the Red Team's quickfire plate, not the bass and prosciutto.

In short, they fucked up big time. I can only assume that since it's the end of the semester, they're done with their internships and training the next batch of saps. Or they're too busy running all over New Jersey setting up book signings for Teresa Giudice's Skinny Italian.

(Seriously, is it mentally ill that I'm thinking about buying that book? Will it make i miei nonni roll over in their graves?)

Anyway, long story short (too late!), I had to fake up pictures from the preview videos, and some of the dishes have only my shorthand descriptions (like "fritter" and "thing") because the picture-faking-up took so long that if I FF through the episode and write down the ACTUAL food descriptions (like I normally do when the Bravo elves fuck up), I'll be ridiculously late for work.

So anyway, Carmen, I was all prepared to elegize you and your tiny-ness and your comeback, but the Bravo interns fucked you over. Sorry on that one. You seem awesome.

Episode time!

Los Angeles! Top Chef, Masters Kitchen! The 8 Masters who have made it to the Round of Champions turn up to . . .compete in the Round of Champions. Susan and Tony hug and declare themselves partners forever. Too cute.

K-Choi congratulates them on having made it this far, and explains the rules of the Champions Round – after each elimination, the chef with the lowest score goes home. Three of them will end up competing for $100K for their charities in the finale.

Quickfire! They each pick a pot from the burners. As in the first round of the first stage, they’re drawing aprons – red or blue. They’re in teams : the red team is Tony, Marcus, Susur, and Carmen; the blue team is Jonathan, Susan, Jody, and Rick.

And it’s time for what K-Choi calls a classic quickfire . . .the tag team cook off. You know – that classic quickfire they’ve only done once before, last season in Vegas. Anyway, it’s the one where they all collaborate on one dish without talking.

Rick remembers judging this challenge, and doesn’t like the idea of the shoe being on the other foot. Marcus volunteers to go last because he wants it all in his hands. Rick insists on Jonathan going last, even though Jonathan doesn’t seem crazy about the idea.

This is where Jonathan admits to hating blindfolds because he’s claustrophobic. I kind of wish he’d told Rick this, even though (spoiler) it ends up working out for their team, because I’m pro-Jonathan and I don’t like seeing him suffer, and I’m kind of anti-Rick and I don’t like seeing him being a bullying ass.

K-Choi tells them they’ll have a total of 40 minutes to prepare their dish and then serve it to Jay Rayner. Time starts…now!

Susan chooses fish for the blue team, making a plan for a fish stew. Tony gets his team a lot of basic stuff like garlic and olive oils. He also gets a selection of seafood and some prosciutto.

Next group! It’s Jody vs. Carmen. Jody remembers watching the quickfire last season and gets a sauce going, like Jen did. Nicely done, Jody, doing your homework and following the winning team’s lead. Carmen cleans the fish for her team to get it ready for the next person. Susan worries that Jody is putting the mussels in too early.

Next round – Susur vs. Rick. Jonathan is freaking out over on the sidelines because the blindfold makes him hypersensitive to the heat and motion of the kitchen. Rick’s ADD gets all conflabulated by the chaos of the table. Susur decides the ingredients his team has are too limited, and gets a bunch of other stuff.

Final round, Jonathan vs. Marcus. Jonathan takes a moment to combobulate himself from the blindfold. Rick watches Jonathan for the moment his facial expression changes and his inspiration kicks in, showing the ladies on their team that you can actually see it happen. Bravo then helpfully freezes on it for us, and it’s true – he has a very visible “ah-ha” moment. Marcus works to get everything his team has put together into one dish. Time!

Their dishes are taken into the diner, where Jay Rayner sits waiting to judge them. First is the Red Team’s Truffle Spiced Shellfish Broth and Bass with Prosciutto . Rayner says it’s a well cooked stock, and likes the bass but finds the prosciutto slightly grey. He likes the herbiness, but thinks it’s more like two dishes rather than one.

Next comes the Blue Team’s Mussel & Scallop Stew with Orange & Fennel. Rayner says the scallop in that dish is a bit better than the other, and the mussels are perfect. He has a strong reaction to the bitterness of the fennel, and says it’s not a bad thing, but quite pronounced. Now Rayner has to rate the dishes and pick a winner. Commercial!

Back! The red team gets 4 stars for their dish. And the blue team gets. . .4.5! Yay! I’ll root for any team with Jonathan AND Jody AND Susan on it (Rick gets a free ride in my good-ish graces this week by being paired with them through luck of the draw). They get $10,000 to share for their charities.

Susur is pissed and vows to kick it up a few notches.

Elimination! It’s time for wedding wars! So they’ll stay in their teams. K-Choi tells them they’ll have 12 hours over two days to pull together a whole wedding.

Jonathan gives her a priceless “bitch be crazy” look. I want to hug him.

K-Choi continues her reign of terror. Oh, and there are 150 guests. Carmen shakes her head slowly. Oh, and they have to make a wedding cake. It’s nice to note that these chefs with DECADES of experience aren’t any more psyched about this than your normal Top Chef shlub has ever been.

Let’s bring in the saps getting their wedding catered by the Mastertestants. I always wonder where they manage to find these people. I don’t know about you, but I personally have never met a couple getting married who are so desperate to be on TV and/or so in need of free catering that they’re willing to a) do absolutely nothing about the food until the day before the wedding, AND b) largely cede control of it to a bunch of(admittedly qualified) strangers whose work they’ve never been able to sample.

Anyway, the nice if slightly bland looking groom, Aaron, likes steak and potatoes. And the buxom, bleached bride, Elizabeth, loves French and Asian foods. As the winner, the blue team gets to choose bride or groom. They choose the bride. Each team now has 45 minutes to consult with their half of the happy couple.

The groom nixes the red team’s ideas of barbecue (too messy) and foie gras (more his bride’s thing), and then adds that he’s Jewish, so pork goes out the window. Carmen is displeased. The bride tells the blue team she’s not a fan of shellfish, or lamb. Neither of them seems to offer any ideas as to what they DO like. Oh dear. I was really trying to be fairly gentle on these total strangers who are getting married and just wanted free catering and a shitload of cameras at their wedding, but I can’t help it –I kind of feel like these people are assholes.

Then they talk cakes. The groom wants carrot cake for his cake. The bride’s favorite dessert is Bananas Foster, which as Susan points out, is not a cake. Were I on their team, I'd try to revamp my Great-Aunt's rum cake into a Banana's Foster Cake. It would be awesome. Might have to give that a shot. . .

Shopping! For the blue team, Jody and Jonathan go to Restaurant Depot while Susan and Rick go to Whole Foods. Also, Jody and Jonathan seem to have matching red quilted jackets, which might be the cutest thing I’ve seen in forever. Ok, they all have the same jackets as Carmen and Tony-- also at Restaurant Depot -- do. It's like they're the Pink Ladies, except not pink (and not all ladies). Oh, they're Restaurant Depot's jackets. Hm. Meanwhile Marcus and Susur take on Whole Foods for the red team.

Jody is set on doing lamb for the bride so she’ll realize lamb is good. This seems like an idea that could go horribly awry. Or, it could teach little Ms. “I like French and Asian food, but none of this this this or this” about opening herself up to new experiences. Then Jody talks about how she and her husband did all the food for their wedding themselves.

Back to the kitchen! Food flurry! 6 hours to prep that night. We run through the menu for the blue team, but there are so many dishes that I’m really not going to bother trotting through them except at the actual event. Because I never do. Because the menu often changes.

Susur reminisces about how his wife wanted to get married after their first child was born, and he put her off. Then they had a second, and he suggested they get married. She replied “fuck you, I’m not getting married now.”

Once again, Susur’s wife is probably one of the best characters in this series. And we’ve never seen her, and probably never will. Susur’s wife is like the Maris Crane of Top Chef, Masters.

Susur also tells us he’s never made a carrot cake before, but when he “used to live in British Columbia, was full of hippies, and they made the best carrot cake.” Ok, Susur is pretty awesome too. The official ranking of my favorite people in this show is: Gael Greene’s Hat; Jonathan; Susur’s wife; Susur; all the lady chefs; Gail; Tony; the other critics and K-Choi; and then Marcus and Rick about six miles back of the pack.

Carmen cuts herself on a mandoline. Didn’t Carmen cut herself in her last episode?

Marcus talks about how he recently got married in Ethiopia, and everyone in his wife’s village helped out. He’s determined to make the food flavorful. Tony is worried that Marcus’ tenderloin will be too spicy for the groom’s tastes.

29 minutes. Rick spazzes out a little about how he can't do much with seafood before hand since it all has to be cooked on point. Carmen makes fun of Rick’s spazzing out. Jonathan points out that they don’t know anything about the location or the set up for the next day. Commercial!

Back! Wedding venue! They have 5 hours until the wedding. Food flurry. Marcus talks about working two different sides of cooking by having to be a butcher with the beef, but delicate with the seafood. Jonathan thinks Marcus chose the wrong cut of beef for a wedding.

Tony’s feet hurt. Carmen thinks they all realize they’re “beyond being in the weeds.” Rick envies the red team’s organization and feels a little intimidated.

Jonathan is stacking Susan’s cake. Badly. It looks like a melted Mayan pyramid.

15 minutes. We get to see part of the wedding – Elizabeth processing up the aisle in a dress that brings new meaning to the word “boobtacular.” Trying to be gentle. Trying to be gentle. Trying not to make any comments about giving all your guests a preview of the honeymoon by having your tits out at your wedding. Seriously, you can't really tell from this picture, but the dress is a nip slip waiting to happen.

Time! K-Choi congratulates the total strangers who she’d never have met if they hadn’t wanted free catering and the chance to be on Bravo, and everyone enters the reception area. Jonathan interviews that for his wedding, they gave everyone a margarita when they walked in the door. See, that’s the wedding I want to go to.

The appetizers come out at such a breakneck pace that I didn’t write down much about them, and Bravo gave me NOTHING. Just know that on the blue team Susan did some sort of “fritter,” Jonathan did a “pancake” and Jody did a “thing.”

Then from the red team, we get Marcus’ Lobster Roll and some sort of Tuna dish Rayner declares that he wants to marry Marcus. Then they get Carmen’s Crabcake.

Buffet time! Rick says the only way he’s going to get the food out is by creating a bonfire. Fish is not something I cook often, but that seems like exactly the wrong way to do it. He says he’s over weddings.

The Blue Team’s Bridal Buffet is Jody’s Duon Rack of Lamb with Rosemary, Farro, and Autumn Vegetables; Jonathan’s Roast Chicken with Tarragon Veloute, and Cauliflower Puree; and Rick’s Seafood Mixed Grill - Poah, Coho Salmon, and Swordfish on Sweet and Sour Eggplant.

The judges love the lamb and even the bride seems to like it. Gael Greene’s Hat declares Jonathan the chicken master. K-Choi thinks the sauce on the mixed grill is too sweet and Gael Greene’s Hat says the fish is overcooked.

I am so tired of the bride’s tits. Beyond the amount of décolletage being kind of unforgivable to begin with, it’s absolutely the wrong dress to wear when you’re going to be filmed sitting down and eating for hours at a time. It’s like she’s St. Agatha or something, serving her cans up to us on a platter to see what the critics think (Oseland says they’re not something he’d ever put in his mouth; Rayner thinks there’s too much on the plate and not enough’s been done with it – you can’t just flop two big hunks of meat down without any sort of support or dressing; and Gael Greene’s Hat sniffed that she’s had much, much better, back in the day).

What? That WAS me being gentle.

Next we go to the Groom’s/Red Team Buffet, which consists of Tony’s Flaming Ouzo Shrimp; Potato Gratin; and Pasta with Tomatoes, Feta Cheese, and Oregano; Carmen’s Corn Salsa ; and Marcus’ Tenderloin that apparently defies description since Bravo didn’t describe it. Or take a picture. Maybe it can’t be photographed. We’ll call it “Vampire Tenderloin.”

Everyone loves the potatoes and Tony’s shrimp, but Oseland finds the pasta overcooked. He also likes the corn salad, but thinks it doesn’t go with anything. Gael Greene’s Hat thinks Marcus’ beef is mushy, but the guests describe it as fall apart tender. Peasants. What do they know?

The guests chat about how good things were. Then the bride puts her tits on the table again and says something about how she can’t wait for dessert. Urgh. Commercial.

Back. Dessert time! Susan admits her cake is ugly. Rick calls it “the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree of wedding cakes.” We see a lot more of the bride’s boobs. Oh, that was the fake back.

Actually back! For reals dessert time. The blue team has Jody’s Banana’s Foster and Susan’s Egyptian Semolina Cake with Berries and Cream. The judges turn up their noses at the ugliness of her cake. On the red team, Susur has made Four Desserts, and Bravo deigns to tell us about two of them: French Wedding Cake - Croque-en-Bouche; and Carrot Cake. There's also some sort of Raisin Bread Pudding with Butterscotch Sauce, and something that involves the words "whipped cream" and "for the children."

(Neither whipped cream nor children are among my favorite things, so you'll forgive me for not having more details on that one).

K-Choi says Susan’s semolina cake is really dry. Rayner says Jody’s Bananas Foster is really good though. He admires what Susur has done with the four desserts.

The chefs celebrate being done. Carmen is like a foot shorter than every other member of her team when they high five. It’s adorable.

Back to the kitchen where they all drink. Susan reminds them to look each other in the eyes when they toast, or they’ll have seven years of bad sex. Oh. . .THAT explains it. Hm.

At Critics Table, Oseland raves about how good dishes tonight were the best food he’s had at any wedding. K-Choi asks them to compare the two teams. Oseland says the bride’s team’s dishes were synchronous, but the cake was a disaster. K-Choi says the groom’s team was dessert heavy, and Rayner says they needed one more savory option to balance it. Gael Greene’s Hat says the desserts were stronger on the groom’s team, and the mains were stronger on the bride’s. They’re all torn.

The blue chefs enter. K-Choi tells them they’re the winning team and they’re all moving on. Moonen is relieved.

K-Choi tells them one of them will take home $10K for their charity. And it’s…Jody! Yay! I like her. Jody is thrilled to have another $10K for Partners in Health.

They head for the back and announce that Jody is the winner. The red team reacts to Jody’s win with an astonishing lack of grace –I don’t think I’ve ever seen Cheftestants not at least applaud for the winner, but Marcus and Carmen just kind of sit there stony faced. Eventually we hear some half hearted clapping. Susur says he’s angry. Susur always says he's angry, though, and it doesn't seem to make him objectionable in any way, so we'll let that slide.

K-Choi tells them it was very close, but they’re the losing team.

Oseland asks Marcus “did you find the sauce just a wee bit too sweet?” Marcus admits that maybe it was. Rayner tells him the texture was almost mushy.

Rayner tells Carmen the crabcake was a perfect example of the genre, and the corn salad was good, but he doesn’t feel like she did a real share of the work. Marcus and Tony immediately jump in to defend her, explaining how she organized the team and did sous work for the rest of them when they needed it. Good for them. What nice guys. Marcus gets a temporary reprieve from my “what a dick” list.

K-Choi compliments Tony’s potatoes, and he says he’ll tell his mom since it’s her recipe. Cute. But then Gael Greene’s Hat tells him the pasta was overcooked. Sad Panda.

Susur explains his rationale behind doing the six million desserts. Gael Greene’s Hat says the carrot cake wasn’t his finest hour but the table was a triumph. He’s so beyond safe—they should just send him back to the kitchen now.


Deliberation. Gael Greene’s Hat says the groom’s team was inhibited by the groom’s limitations, but Rayner points out that simple dishes can be perfect, like Tony’s potatoes and shrimp.

Jay Rayner thinks Marcus’s beef was a textural disaster, but Gael Greene’s Hat points out that the “general audience read it as tenderness.” Again – who cares what the peasants think? Oseland says the sauce killed the beef.

Gael Greene’s Hat loved Carmen’s corn salad, and Oseland says the crab cake would’ve held its own in Baltimore. He just wanted more cooking from her.

Rayner stands back “gobsmacked” at what Susur achieved, but says the carrot cake was dry. Commercial.

Back! K-Choi tells them it’s time for their scores, and that the chef with the lowest score will leave. Tony gets 3.5 from Gael Greene’s Hat; 4.5 from Rayner; 4 from Oseland; and 3 from the diners for a total of 15. Susur gets 4.5 from Gael Greene’s Hat; 4 from Rayner; 3.5 from Oseland; and 4 from the diners. His total is 16. He’s safe, and can go back to the kitchen.

Next is Carmen, who gets a 2 from Rayner; a 2.5 from Oseland; a 2.5 from Gael Greene’s Hat; and a 4 from the diners. Her total is 11. Wow, some of the discrepancies between the critics’ scores and the peasants’ scores are really striking. So Tony is safe, and returns to the kitchen.

Finally, we have Marcus. Oseland gives him 3; Gael Greene’s Hat gives him 3; Rayner gives him 3; and the diners give him. . .4.5. So he’s safe, and Carmen is going home. He hugs Carmen. Ulch, this is so unfair. She made two dishes that they loved; he made mushy beef, and they’re sacking her because they feel like she didn’t do enough work. Which . . .I guess, to paraphrase Tom Colicchio, “it’s not Top Sous Chef Masters,” but you’d think she’d get some points for getting her team to function so well. Ego wrangling should count for something.

She says she wishes she’d done something more complex, but says the experience has been rewarding. Everyone bends down a foot (and Jonathan bends down a foot and a half) to hug her.

Next! Hank Azaria! Daddy’s cooking for the Simpsons! These kind of ingredients are totally crazy! Jellyfish and peanut butter sandwich! Andrew Zimmern, or however you spell it. And hopefully, fewer exposed chesticles.