Top Chef DC: Sangwiches and Anguishes

Jac’line Caterer
Left; color me unsurprised
Sugary pudding

So I have to ask you all a question: I’m on a medication that has the drowsy eye alcohol warning instead of the winking eye alcohol suggestion, and it’s got me a little dopey. It’s also got me sleepy, grumpy and. . .hungry. Why wasn’t Hungry a dwarf? Don’t dwarves get hungry?

That wasn’t the question, though. The question was: was this episode a little schizophrenic, or was it just me? It seemed like the first half to 2/3 of it was just a big ole bowl of nothing, and then all of the sudden it was Anger Fest Twenty Ten. Everyone hated everyone! Everyone threw each other under the bus! Tom basically accused Angelo of throwing the challenge! There were two pounds of sugar in some banana pudding! IT WAS INSANITY.

Or was that just me?

Also, I already miss Eric Ripert. I kind of wish they’d given him Padma’s job, so he’d be on every week, and not Ted/Toby’s job so he’s only on sporadically.

Schizophrenia or no, though, this episode was ultimately as unsurprising as last week’s – Jacqueline Caterer was such obvious cannon fodder that she might as well have strapped on a red shirt and beamed down to the planet’s surface with Kirk and Spock.

She seemed like a perfectly nice lady. She also seemed like kind of a bumbling incompetent and a bit of a pushover, so I’m not going to go shedding any tears for her. Although credit where it’s due – smoking hot, right? If she’d looked like her bio picture during the competition, I feel like they might’ve kept her around just to give the camera something to feast on.

Further credit where it’s due: the Bravo interns did their job last night and everything works beautifully this morning. This doesn’t mean I won’t mock them by pointing out their egregious spelling mistakes. Seriously, Andy Cohen – it’s not enough that they know how to use spell check. Get someone who knows some food terminology – or at least someone who doesn’t live on Chipotle and Ramen.

Let’s hit some recappage.

Morning! DC! Top Chef Townhouse! People are drying their hair and doing pushups and shit. Andrea thinks she can beat Angelo and anyone else. They head off to the Hinckley Hilton’s Top Chef Kitchen. It’s a good thing American’s forget their own history so quickly, because it means most people won’t realize how slightly creepy headquartering there is.

Quickfire! Padma is there to greet them, accompanied by Sam Kass, the White House chef. (Actually, wouldn't it be more accurate to call him the Obamas' personal chef, since he came with them from Chicago and I think Christeta Comerford is still the head chef there) Padma tells them that since “a successful government is bipartisan” they’ll be competing in a “bipartisandwich” quickfire.

Oh, holy god. This is such a DC production. You can’t eat lunch in this town without tripping over a shitty pun like “bipartisandwich.” Ten minutes after Strasburg’s first start, every restaurant in the metro area was hawking a “Strasburger.”

Anyway, with a teammate, they’ll have 30 minutes to create a delicious sandwich. Tamesha says “it’s ridiculously easy to make one sangwich in 30 minutes? Between two people?” Ok, I’m not crazy about her, but I do love the fact that she non-ironically pronounced sandwich as “sangwich.”

Padma tells them that both members of the winning team will get immunity. They draw knives for partners, and. . . .oh, there are still too many. Angelo says it would be embarrassing to lose because he owns a sandwich shop in New York.

Padma announces that there’s one more thing – they’re competing wearing what I can only describe as Siamese aprons – though I supposed the sensitive term would be “conjoined aprons.” Anyway, it’s a blue apron and a red apron sewn together, so that each person only has the use of one arm. Tim demands “who got high and came up wit’ this idea?” (Answer: Padma)

Food flurry! Kenny and Ed are a team, which works to their advantage since Ed is left handed and Kenny is right handed. Chef Rosie O’Donnell is psyched to be with Angelo because not only does he have a sandwich (sangwich) shop, he’s won both challenges so far. She tells us“I arreddy had a seekrit crush on ‘im. An’ now I get to have my arm aroun’ ‘im fer thirty minutes? Life couldn’t be better.” And then she gives her cackley Rosie O’Donnell laugh.

Tamesha and Amanda are another team, which is bad because they apparently hate each other. Tamesha insists on being the right side head, and basically drags Amanda all over. Alex is nervous about Tim chopping his hand off. Stephen and Jacqueline Caterer are a team. Arnold and Kelly are making grilled chicken, and he tells her he trusts her not to slice off his fingers: “if anything, you’ll give me a manicure.”

It’s so weird that they get along so well for this challenge, and then instantaneously explode with hatred for each other during the next one.

Lynne and Tiffany are doing a veal saltimbocca sandwich. YUM. The only way I could enjoy the idea of a veal saltimbocca sandwich more is if they non-ironically called it a sangwich.

Extreme flurry! 57 seconds! Time!

Kass and Padma move through the group, getting their bipartisangwich on. They start with Angeloand Rosie's Sandwich with Flounder Marinated in Fish Sauce, Spicy Sriracha Mayo, Pickled Red Onions & Herbaceous Salad. Next, Andrea and Kevin have made a Philly Cuban Sandwich - Roasted Port [sic], Pickle, Whole Grain Mustard & Gruyere Cheese.

No, I am not kidding. At 5:45 this morning, the Bravo interns had that as a “Roasted Port” sangwich. I preserved it for posterity:




I can only assume they mean Port the wine rather than Port the place where you dock your ship, because it seems like roasting a ship-port would be a little challenging. Also a little …murdery.

Tamesha and Amanda’s sangwich is a Grilled Sandwich with Sliced Prosciutto, Swiss Cheese, Dijon Mustard & Pepper Salsa. Alex and Tim have done a take on a Classic French-Croque Madame- Ground Lamb, Mornay Sauce & Egg. Stephen and Jacqueline Caterer’s sandwich is "The American and Italian Connection" – Saba Vinegar Onions with California Avocado & Chicken. Then there’s Ed and Kenny’s Korean Chili Rubbed Ahi Tuna Open Faced Sandwich with Cucumber & Mango Slaw on Multi-Grain Bread, and Arnold and Kelly’s South East Asian Street Food – Curry Rubbed Grilled Chicken with Honey, Indonesian Sambal, Cucumber, Mint, Dill & Cilantro. Tiffany and Lynne’s Flatbread Saltimbocca Sandwich with Goat Cheese, Artichokes, Yellow Peppers & White Asparagus is last. Kass tells them “it’s a little hard to eat picking it up,” and Lynne tries to bluff with “it’s more of a knife and fork kinda sandwich.” That’s ballsy. I like her.

Kass’s least favorite groups are Stephen and Jacqueline, whose sandwich lacked creativity, and Lynne and Tiffany, who ruined the world’s greatest idea – the saltimbocca sangwich – by giving it bad texture.

The top groups are Tracey and Angelo and Kenny and Ed. Does anyone else think that Sam Kass just really likes Asian inspired fish sangwiches? And the winners are. . .

Commercial!

Back! So the winners are. . .Tracey and Angelo! Sam Kass tells them he’d eat their sandwich every day. Sexy! More importantly, they have immunity. Angelo says he feels the eyes on him. Kenny is “a little heated” that Angelo keeps winning.


Elimination! Padma tells them they’ll be taking on a campaign that’s important to the Obamas and Sam Kass: they’ll be making a school lunch. They’ll feed the students for $2.68 per child, or $134 total. Sam then takes $4 away for reasons that nominally have something to do with labor costs, but are really all about giving them a nice round number to work with. And four dollars less.

They have to do a main course, side dishes, veggies and fruit, and a dessert. They’ll be working in teams of 4 to create lunch for students at the Alice Deal Middle School.

Hahahahahahaahahahahaha. . .oh, Top Chef DC. You find endless ways to amuse me with your random connections to my life. My DC native ex-boyfriend? The Bad Ex? He went to Deal. He claimed that’s what made him racist. (Ok, so he didn’t phrase it that way – he said being one of the few white kids at the school made him understand that all the stereotypes about black people were true. He never seemed to process the fact that he was saying this to a person who spent four years in a high school with similar demographics without coming to the same conclusion)

Padma tells them that everyone will be judged on their individual performances. Angelo and Tracey get to choose their other teammates, and they pick Kenny and Ed. Kenny sees this as strategic because if they lose, there’s a 50% chance of Kenny going home since only he and Ed will be eligible.

The other teams split up. They have 30 minutes to plan before shopping at Restaurant Depot; 2.5 hours to prep and cook; and an hour tomorrow to heat everything up.

Planning! Tracey wants to make what kids eat now (burgers, chicken nuggets, etc), but healthy, so they go for a burger.

Team 2 angry girls (Amanda and Tamesha)/Jacqueline Caterer/Stephen argue about chicken and gnocchi. Jacqueline Caterer is doing a chocolate banana pudding. Then she talks about how after her parents nasty divorce, she took over as “the mom” for her younger sister to keep her out of foster care. Oh, Jacqueline Caterer. Now we know about your tragic past. After this, you have nothing left to offer us and will be going home.

Team Andrea/Kevin/Tim/Alex (3 guys and Andrea) are doing mac and cheese and cole slaw.

Team Kelly/Arnold/Lynne/Tiffany (3 girls and Arnold) are doing tacos. Tiffany isn’t happy with the way Kelly is trying to take control. She keeps suggesting things like feta and pickled onions that her teammates aren’t sold on.

Shopping! Restaurant Depot! Amanda is looking for alcohol. For. . .children? Sherry jus for children? Ok then. Clearly school lunch ain’t what it used to be

(although given that I used to spend my lunch money either on Little Debbie products and chips at the snack bar or 7 layer burritos from our on campus Taco Bell cart, a little sherry jus probably isn’t that awful).

Kelly is trying to think outside of the box in terms of budget. And then all the teams pretty much go over budget and start trying to find things to take off.

Andrea gets the message that having to compromise because of budget is “probably what happens on a regular basis with school lunches.” Well done, Andrea – you are the first person to articulate the smack you in the face obvious lesson of this episode. Commercial.

Back! They head to the Hilton kitchen and start their prep time. Team 3 girls and Arnold start chafing at Kelly’s attitude. Team 3 guys and Andrea are humming along. Kenny isn’t feeling all the dishes on his team. Jacqueline’s bananas are too starchy, and Amanda and Tamesha are angry with each other. Tamesha says she’ll kick Amanda’s ass if she’s in the bottom 4. Nice. Two episodes in and my only impression of Tamesha is that she’s a humorless bint (“I’m not here to play dice”) with anger issues.

It’s all very, very boring.

Five minutes! Arnold continues chafing at Kelly’s “I I I I I” attitude. Time.

Back to the townhouse where they have a lovely patio area. Rosie O’Donnell and Kelly are talking, and it comes out that Rosie is helping to raise her girlfriend’s daughter, and is ashamed that they eat fast food about once a week.

Inside the house, Arnold and Tiffany are bitching about Kelly. Then the whole group confronts Kelly about taking credit for everything. Kelly is flabbergasted that Arnold is coming at her. Ulch, this is tiresome.

Next Day! Deal Middle School! An hour to prep! The kitchen is tiny, and they’re all kind of up each other’s asses. Angelo goes to put his peanut butter mousse in the foam gun, and finds the valve is broken. Kevin refuses to lend him a foam gun, and Andrea approves of this, saying “I’m on a mission to break Starsky and Hutch over there.”

Wait. . .what? Who are Starsky and Hutch? Kenny and Angelo? Tracey and Angelo? And why? I’ve only seen the Ben Stiller/Owen Wilson movie, not the TV show, and I don’t understand the reference.

That won’t, of course, stop me from exploiting it:


Tom walks through the halls of the middle school and explains that this challenge is dear to his heart because his mom ran a school lunch program for 20 years. Tom thru! Ah, the first Tom thru of the season. Awesome. I miss Tom thrus so much when Top Chef isn’t on. He starts with team 3 guys and Andrea, and thinks the “yogurt foam” with their fruit kabobs is a great idea because “sometimes kids don’t like yogurt, but they like whipped cream.”

I guess it shows you that I know very few children, and that those children are very sophisticated, but I don’t know any of ‘em who don’t like yogurt.

Next he talks to Jacqueline about her pudding. He thinks it sounds good but worries she’s put herself at a disadvantage by giving up the chocolate for the pudding because of the budget.

He talks to team 3 girls and Arnold, and they all start bitching at each other. “I am responsible for the carnitas” “we all helped” “I tried to get my stuff done fast so I could help everyone.” Bitch bitch bitch, snipe snipe snipe. Tom says – not in so many words – that they’re assholes who are giving him a headache.

Finally he goes to Team Angelo et al and talks about the immunity situation.

10 minutes! Angelo finds a workaround for his peanut butter situation. He should’ve found a workaround that didn’t involve serving celery and peanut butter, for chrissakes. That doesn’t even qualify as cooking as far as I’m concerned. Kids eat that because it’s one of the few things they can make themselves, because it doesn't involve turning on the stove or (if the celery is precut) using a sharp knife.

Anyway. Stephen thinks they shouldn’t have sherry in the name of their chicken dish. There’s tension between Kelly and Angelo.

Enter kids! Enter judges! Gail pipes up “chocolate milk please!” Cute.

They start with team 3 guys and Andrea who explain their “picnic themed” Grilled Apple Cider BBQ Chicken & Picnic Coleslaw with Yogurt; Mac & Cheese with Whole Wheat Crust, Skim Milk & Low-Fat Cheese; Fresh Melon Kebab with Orange Chantilly Dipped in Yogurt. It actually all sounds really good. Kass thinks the coleslaw is great and Padma thinks they did a great job on the chicken. Tom says the weak link is the mac and cheese.

Next is Team Angelo with their Chicken Burger with Fiesta Rice; “Peanut Butter and Celery Crudite” with Crispy Tuile; Sweet Potato Puree with Cinnamon; Apple Break Pudding with Cinnamon Yogurt.

If you look up “complete and utter bullshit” in the dictionary, I think it says “see also ‘Peanut Buter and Celery Crudite.” It’s ants on a log, minus the ants, people.

(The bright side is, I have peanut butter and celery in my lunch today, and as I munch it at my desk I will think about how delightful and gourmet my Peanut Butter and Celery Crudite is)

The judges think Ed’s sweet potatoes are too peppery, and are pretty much “meh” about everything else, except they want to know where the vegetables are. Celery, guys! Celery is your vegetable! It’s so versatile! It’s crudite! It’s a side dish! It’s one of those foods you actually lose weight while eating because it’s so motherfucking difficult to chew! It's nature's own dental floss!

Team 3 girls and Arnold present their Braised Pork Carnitas Tacos with Pickled Onions & Cilantro; Roasted Corn Salad with Cilantro Lime Vinaigrette, Chili Oil, Sugar, Salt & Lime Juice; Black Bean Cake with Whole Grain & Sweet Crispy Potatoes; Caramelized Sweet Potatoes & Sherbert. Sounds delicious. Gail is excited about the color on the plate, and Tom and Kass like the taco and Arnold’s salad. Padma finds the bean cake a little spicy, but Gail likes the sweet potato/sherbert dessert.


Finally it’s team Angry girls/Jacqueline Caterer/Stephen with their Braised Chicken Thigh in a Sherry Jus; Bean & Tomato Salad with Pickled Red Onions & Apple Cider Vinaigrette; Sweet Onion Rice & Tomato, Carrots & Green Onions, Banana Pudding with Skim Milk; Strawberries & Strawberry Sauce. Gail points out that “the words ’sherry jus’ don’t often come into a lunchroom scenario.” They like the bean salad, but hate the pudding (and there are hilarious reaction shots from the kids eating it). They also think Stephen’s rice was mushy. One kid says “I didn’t really like the dish over there, because it has just rice and all that nasty stuff.”

That kid? Is the next Toby Young. Mark my words.

Everyone wraps up. Jacqueline Caterer says the dessert sold out really fast. I kind of wonder if Jacqueline Caterer has taken a blow to the head at some point, because she seems to be processing a different set of events than the rest of us just saw. Tiffany says it was one of the most flavorful cafeteria lunches she’s ever had. Kelly feels like her team is taking credit for her dish away from her.

Commercial!

Back! Fakeback! Padma interviews the kids about the food. Some of them want hugs. That’s really all there is to it.

Back! Stew room! Kevin is snoring while everyone else reviews their performance.
Padma calls back team Angelo and team Stephen/Caterer/Angry Girls. Kelly is nervous because she was confident earlier, but the winners are usually called first.

Oh, snap. I think this is the first time in Top Chef history they’ve done this. Is it? Is this the first time in the entire illustrious 7 season history of Top Chef that they’ve called the losers back first? I think it is. Oh, this is so exciting. I’m all a quiver, children. This must be what our parents felt like when they saw Neil Armstrong fake the moon landing. This is history being made.

Tom says some stuff about childhood nutrition, and then Padma drops it on them that they had the worst menus. HA-HA! Look at that, cheftestants! Padma just violated the fuck out of your expectations! She busted up your schemas! She twisted your heads!

Stephen says tried to incorporate vegetables into his rice, but had to sacrifice some creativity because of the budget. Jacqueline admits that the bananas were starchy, and says there were 2 lbs of sugar in the pudding to make up for cutting the chocolate from the pudding. Kass calls Amanda out for the sherry jus, and asks how there was a budget to buy sherry, but not the vegetables or chocolate.

With the other team, they start with Ed’s too peppery sweet potato, then move on to the lack of vegetables. Kenny says “the lack of vegetable kept coming back around, so we ended up roasting that tomato on the burger.” “Tomatoes are fruit,” Kass points out, barely stifling a giggle.

Tom asks Angelo if he would’ve done a celery with peanut butter if he didn’t have immunity. Angelo says “I can’t answer that.” Tom then basically accuses Angelo of sabotaging the team.

Then it turns into a free-for-all. Ohhhhhhhhhhh Lordy! It gets good here!

Kenny blames Angelo for the celery decision and the lack of vegetables. Trying to save his own (and to a lesser extent, his team's) ass, Stephen calls Kenny out for knowing his team had no vegetables and not doing anything about it. Kenny snaps back with “so it’s acceptable to have pudding that has 2 lbs of sugar in it whereas mine had less than 8 oz total?” Amanda then jumps in with a diatribe about “do you have any idea how much sugar is in processed peanut butter?” Ed rounds back on her with “does sherry wine need to be in elementary school?” And Amanda closes out the yelling portion of events with “They weren’t DRINKING IT by the glass.”

It’s really kind of amazing. I can’t think of the last time I enjoyed something in this show that was non-food/Voltaggio licking related so much.

Padma sends their hot mess selves back to the stew room. They tell the other two teams about the switch in order. Then things get heated. . .or continue to be heated. . .as Kenny and Ed bitch about the immunity situation and Angelo sits there and whistles.

Ladies and gentlemen. . .it looks like we’ve got ourselves a gen-yooo-wine snake this season.

Kass says that hands down, Angelo’s team had the worst menu. He thinks Kenny made a big mistake by not fighting for a vegetable, and Gail says Ed’s dish was nice for a restaurant, but not for a school. They talk about why Kenny and Ed didn’t fight for a vegetable since it was their asses on the line, and Tom says there was definite gamesmanship in Angelo’s decision making.

Back in the stew room, Angelo asks Tracey not to repeat this, and says he doesn’t like Kenny. That’s mature. God, being at a middle school all day worked a number on their heads, didn’t it? The next thing you know, they’ll be trading Silly Bandz and getting their first periods.

Gail was disappointed with the other team too, and says Amanda’s chicken was one of the most unappealing things she’s seen in a long time. Kass says the amount of sugar in Jacqueline’s pudding was unconscionable.

Padma points out that they also need to pick a winning team, and a winner. Gail talks about how Kelly’s team had a salad, a vegetable, and a healthy dessert. Tom thinks Andrea’s team did a really nice job as well.

Padma goes back to the stew room and calls back Lynne, Tiffany, Kelly, and Arnold.

This is a weird episode. It’s just weird. Everything’s having mood swings and going wildly out of order, and my pills make me sleepy and it’s hard to keep track of.

She tells them they had their favorite lunch. Padma tells Arnold his salad looked and tasted great. Everyone compliments Kelly’s carnitas. They tell Tiffany that her sweet potato had great texture, and Kass was impressed by Lynne’s beans. The winner is Kelly. Her team claps for her despite having hated her guts for the last 50 minutes.

Padma tells them to call back Kenny, Ed, Amanda and Jacqueline Caterer.

Commercial!

Back! Tom tells them that they’re the bottom players on the losing teams. He thinks Kenny let his team down by not being more assertive about the vegetable situation, and the same is true of Ed. Amanda’s chicken was not appealing, and Jacqueline’s pudding was terrible in a number of ways.

Padma tells. . . Jacqueline to pack her knives and go. Jacqueline Caterer wishes she’d fought for more than 10% of the budget, and lets her roommates know they’ve got a two bedroom room now. She thinks her family would be proud of her for getting this far.

Next! This challenge is to cook a picnic. I personally hate chocolate. Alex is annoying. Whose stuff is this! I don’t think people take me seriously as a chef, and I’m going to prove them wrong.

(Ok, so after saying that, Amanda clearly leaves next week, right?)