Project Runway: New Beginnings; Same Old Bullshit.

Poor McKell is out
This is what they call bullshit
Bad judges! Bad call!

These, my darlings, are the times that try ladies’ souls. Namely mine.

I hated that episode last night. I hated the 90 minute format. I hated the fact that there were 17 designers (not really new – I always hate the early episodes when there are six million designers or chefs of girls in the running to be America’s Next Top Model. I could never be a Duggar, because I’d lose track of my own kids after about number 6). I hated many of the designers, or at least what we were allowed to see of them so far. I hated Jason’s hat. I hated Heidi’s haircut.

This might be the season that does me in. And I know I’ve said that before, but I really, really, really mean it this time. No more girl who cried wolf.

Because last night? Was bullshit. McKell’s dress was really cute. There were six or seven other looks out there that were total ass. Further, she made her dress out of a man’s shirt, so she achieved the transformation aspect of the challenge as well as the actual “making good clothes” aspect. And she lost to a dude that turned a kimono backwards and a chick that made ugly printed pants into ugly printed ruched capris.

I can’t wrap my head around it. I woke up – no joke – four or five times last night thinking THAT MADE NO SENSE!!! And now, 8 or so hours later, I still don’t understand.

If I’m that out of it – if I’m in that much discord from episode one – can I hold on for the rest of the season? Should I try.

We’ll see. I’m not making promises, but we’ll see.

So to kick things off, something got slightly effed up with the DVRing process. So we kind of miss the first part of the first segment, which seems to consist of Tim and Heidi doing some weird rapid fire introduction of the designers. Then there’s an abbreviated version of the usual “This! Is Pwoject Wunway!” intro from Heidi, and we start seeing the designers – all bleeding 17 of them – arriving in New York and giving more detailed introductions of themselves:

Ivy who thinks Project Runway is the Ivy show.
Casanova, who has an impossibly thick accent and red pants. He’s “thinkeeng either New Jork eat me or I eat New Jork.”
Sarah, who’s very blonde.
AJ, who’s from St. Charles, MO and designs for “the party girl.” I have cousins in St. Charles. The party girls there dress pretty much like heftier versions of Kate Gosselin.
Peach, who’s name is Peach Carr, which in and of itself is awesome. Also, she’s 50, so she’s resigned to being the “old lady” of the show and jokes that she’s “expecting like a 9 year old to be my roommate.”

Instead, she’s greeted by Nicholas, who tells her he can’t wait to beat her. Hardy har. Then we get:

Kristen, who’s background is in graphic design, and who embraces her mistakes. Literally, she says she “embraces the crooked zippers.” I don’t think I’m going to like this one.
McKell, who is from Utah and has dreads, and has a blue coat in her portfolio that I love. She also has a 9 month old baby that she left at home to be here.
Jason, who thinks he’s auditioning for a Clockwork Orange remake based on the stupid hat he’s wearing. Also, he’s the token straight guy.
Gretchen, who we learn is Irish-German. This is a weird thing to learn about a designer, and we only learn it because Jason asks her for no apparent reason except to manage to work the fact that he’s Italian into the conversation. And of course he is.

Anyway, Gretchen has awesome cheekbones.

Next up is Mondo, who is one of two Christian Sirriano wannabes we’re blessed with this season. Also, I was in a play in junior high called “Little Luncheonette of Terror” that prominently featured an alien named Mondo (ed note: except apparently it was "Mongo," and old age is eating my brain). Prepare for me to make obscure jokes about that, like referencing the lyrics to the song “Mondo Mambo.” (ed note: or "Mongo Mambo." Either way, "the whole world will do the Mongo Mambo/ we'll all be dancing to his beat/when we do the Mongo Mambo/ we'll all be dancing at his feet!") No one will ever get these jokes; I am the only one who’ll find them funny. I know this, and yet it won’t stop me.

Then we get Christopher from San Francisco.
April tells him she loves San Francisco. She just graduated and is inspired by morgues. Oh, it’s sweet when 22 year olds think they’re original and edgy, isn’t it?

This segment is capped by Michael, who lives in Palm Springs and makes couture in the desert.

These folks and 3 unlucky souls who haven’t merited an introduction yet descend on Lincoln Center, where they’re greeted by Tim and Heidi. There’s some of the usual introductory blather about what they’re competing for (a spot in the increasingly short term pop cultural memory and the ability to spend your life famewhoring and designing shoes for Payless, if you’re really, really lucky). Then Tim tells them that they’re all so talented they couldn’t make the cut from 17 down to 16, so their first challenge is really their last audition.

They all look aghast and yap a bit about how they thought they’d arrived and they’re not even on the show yet! Hah. Commercial.

Back. The designers are told to pull one item out of their bags to incorporate into their garments. So they all unzip their luggage and start pawing. While they’re doing this, we meet Michael from St. Louis (HOLLA!) who’s into knitwear.


Having identified the piece they want to use, they’re now told to pass it to their right. Because they’re not incorporating their OWN items into their garments – their favorite clothes and things are now at the tender mercies of their competitors.

Casanova is upset. “I took like one of my favorite pants; it’s like $1070.”

Seriously, man – you spend too much on pants.

They have a mere 5 hours to complete their look, and the judges must be able to see the original garment in the final design. Gretchen takes a moment to tell us about her “pseudo hippie lifestyle,” and how even though she designs sustainable clothes and things, she wants to be known for doing clothes that are beautiful first and green as an additional plus.

The designers head over to Parsons. We meet Valerie, who talks about being poor as a kid and shopping at a store called “Weiners.”

Tim arrives and tells them about the work room, the Brother sewing room, the HP notebooks for each of them, the Charmin restroom, the Frito-Lay breakroom, and six million other branding opportunities. . .I mean technical advantages available. Then he tells them that for this challenge, Mood has come to them.

They have 15 minutes to sketch and then they’ll go to the “Mood Annex,” which is just a bunch of bins with bolts of fabrics. So they sketch, and we meet Andy, who designed pageant gowns, and is the other Christian Siriano style aspirant.

Then they go to the annex. The group I watch with doesn't like the annex – we think it cheapens the Mood experience. “What’s Tim going to say, ‘thank you, Annex?’” one of my friends asks.

Back in the workroom, they all start incorporating each others garments into new looks. Peach has problems with Michael’s scarf because it keeps unraveling. Commercial.

Back. Three hours left. Nicholas is a nervous wreck.


And it’s time for the Tim-thru! Yay, the only thing that’s always good about this show. He starts with McKell, who is frazzled, but Tim thinks her dress is adorable.

I agree with Tim. Nicholas is trying to work a polyester jacket into his evening look.

Tim moves to Casanova, and is concerned about the amount of skin that will be showing. Tim asks if the look will be “sexy or is it vulgar?” Casanova thinks “eez sexy.” Tim’s expression tells him he’s wrong, but English facial expressions are apparently Cassanova’s second facial expression language, and he doesn’t get it.

April is working with a tuxedo jacket and doesn’t know how she’s going to finish. Jason is wearing something Tim calls a “designers corset,” which is kind of like a tool belt, but for designers. And a corset. He’s turning a kimono into a dress by turning it backwards. Tim shifts his glasses menacingly, because like the audience, he knows that Jason has just designed a Snuggie.

Peach shows Tim the problems she’s having working with Michael’s scarf, which is unraveling. He gives her some ideas about how to work with it.

Finally, he meets with Mondo, who has turned a tote into a dress. Tim advises him to be youthful in styling the look because it’s kind of matronly.

Commercial.

Back. Tim sends in their models, and tells them they have ten minutes to fit them before sending them to the Product Placement Salon for an hour. He also tells them to use the Piperlime Accessory Wall. “Did Bluefly go out of business?” one of my friends asks. I still get at least one e-mail from them a day, so I'd guess the answer is no -- they just probably had the sense to leap off this sinking ship and leave Heidi paddling madly for a replacement.

Peach stands on a chair to fit her model. Jason is concerned that his model is busty, calling it a “big fucking distraction.” This is so you never forget, not even for a moment, that Jason is straight. He’ll die if you forget that. He’s like Tinkerbell – he needs you to believe in his heterosexuality to live. He vows to be clinical “like a doctor.” Or, you know, like a professional designer who’s capable of professionalism and not a dick.

45 minutes. They hit the Garnier station. Peach is confused, but not as confused as Casanova who tries to give hair directions to the makeup guy (who, not for nothing, has a handlebar moustache).

15 minutes. Kristen accidentally left her model in hair and forgot to take her to makeup. Jason staples – staples – his model into her gown.

Tim collects them for the runway. There’s a scene were Tim thinks Casanova’s model is undressed, but it’s just that she’s wearing so very little in terms of clothing.
Commercial!

Back! Runway! Heidi tells them that there are 17 of them now, but “after tonight, there will be. . .less than 17.”

Oh my god, y’all. Heidi has forgotten how to subtract one. The math was the only actual work she really did in this series. It was her only marketable skill now that she’s too old to model. What is she going to fall back on?

Heidi looks rough, by the way. She’s overtanned, she looks tired, and her hair has been cut into a disastrous mom shag. It’s not good.

She introduces the judges – CSDA lifetime achievement award winner Michael Kors (Hi guys); holder of an indefinable vanity post at Marie Claire Nina Garcia (hi everyone), and Selma Blair, who has resorted to being a fashion icon now that she can’t get cast in movies anymore.

So let’s start the interminable parade of crap.

Valerie’s is a weird pink and gold thing. Peach has made an adorable black and white halter dress (at left). McKell’s is a cute pink and blue floral number. Andy has made some black pants thing with a cape – it’s weird, but it looks well made.

Sarah has made a grey onesie that. . .accentuates the vaginal area. Nicholas has made an iridescent evening gown. Mondo has made an ugly green and print hooker dress. Ivy’s is a fun silver top with some ugly ass Capri pants. Michael has made a pink scarf top with a pleather skirt. I think it’s ok, but the consensus in the room seemed to be that it was a street walker uniform.

Kristen’s is a grey architectural dress. Christopher has made …my notes call it a “hinky camo dress.” Not sure what that means. April has made a messy short black dress with a vest. Gretchen has made a boring ass black dress. Michael has made a wrap dress.

Jason’s black trashbag/couture Snuggie (right) parades down the runway, and one of my friends points out “she looks like she’s ready to get her hair cut.” AJ has made a prom dress, and we finish up with Casanova, who has slapped a grey skirt on his model and draped a scarf over her tits (left). He still thinks it’s not vulgar. He's still wrong. I'd think it was a cultural issue, but I can't think of any culture in the world where it's acceptable to go out in public with a trashbag over your nethers and a scarf over your tits.

Heidi calls AJ, Andy, Valerie, Sarah, Peach, Kristen, Michael, Mondo, Michael, and Christopher. They’re safe.

That’s Bullshit move #1 right there – Peach should’ve won.

The judges then announce that Gretchen is the unanimous winner.

And there we have Bullshit move #2. Gretchen made a black polyester dress (at right) that looks like something that they would’ve made us wear in high school choir. In Arizona. In 1993. And even then, we would’ve bitched about how ugly it was.

But somehow Heidi thinks it’s “chic and fashionable.” Kors can “see it on a million girls,” probably because he has seen it on a million girls. At a high school choir festival. In Arizona. In 1993. What he didn’t see was all of them bitching about how ugly it was. And Selma Blair thinks it’s “simply elegant.”

Ugh.

Gretchen says it feels really good to win, and she has a suspicion that a lot of people will be going home. As if to support her prediction, Heidi tells the remaining designers that there’s no top 3 and bottom 3 this week – they’re all in the bottom.

Commercial.

Back. They start the deliberation with Ivy. Kors doesn’t know why Peach packed the ugly ass pants in the first place, and thinks Ivy didn’t really transform them. Nina tells her the blouse is “mumsy” and an odd length. Heidi demonstrates her tremendous talent for overstating the obvious by telling her she made pants out of pants. And Selma Blair calls it a “small town hick outfit.”

Moving to Jason, Heidi says “Jason, Jason, Jason,” in what is clearly supposed to be a “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!” tone. Oh, Heidi. You fail at American cultural references. Then she says it looks like a hairdressing cape. Selma Blair finds something interesting about it. Selma Blair is trying to drag the episode out long enough to get a second day’s per diem out of it. Nina asks him “did you think you could just put it on backwards and we wouldn’t notice?”

Heidi asks April what the dress would look like with the belt off. Kors tells her that if she’s going to do deconstruction, she has to show them that she CAN construct first, and Nina tells her the outfit looks like an “80’s streetwalker.”

Nina then tells McKell she likes the mixed fabrics but hates the styling. Kors agrees with Nina and says he didn’t get any cohesion out of it. Heidi thinks it’s butt ugly.

This is bullshit moment #3. Please think about some of the ass Heidi wears for a moment. Now look at McKell’s cute little dress. I would like to punch Heidi in her over tanned, fadingly beautiful face.

Heidi tells Nicholas his outfit looks odd, and Kors thinks it didn’t mesh together.

We finish with Casanova. Kors tells him it’s “odd;” that his model looks like a “mother of a bride who’s a belly dancer;” a “sexaholic conservative;” and a “pole dancer in Dubai.”

Oh, Kors. I’ve missed you most of all.

Nina finds it almost fascinating, but fascinatingly bad. There are then problems where they ask him why he should stay, but he doesn’t understand. So Nina asks him in Spanish. . .and apparently he still doesn’t understand, because he replies “I should still think outside of the box but in a more conservative way. Probably.”

The judges send the contestants off stage. Ivy worries that “we can cancel the Ivy show.”


The judges deliberate. Ivy didn’t transform her garment. Casanova’s taste level is actually scary – Selma Blair thinks you’d find his dress “in a weird kind of store in the mall, that’d have a name like. . .Dazzles.”

Suddenly I like her much better --maybe because I'm pretty sure I've actually walked past the store she's talking about several times. It's at the Beltway Plaza Mall (aka "the stabbing mall," because people get stabbed there), to the left of the enterance nearest the Target (not the Target enterance -- the mall enterance between the Target and the Party City off of the main parking lot).

Kors actually liked the way Jason’s look was put together. Selma Blair thinks they should give April a pass on the unfinished seams. McKell’s styling was a disaster.

Nicholas made a boring dress, but clearly knows how to make clothes.

So Kors asks the question of the episode – should they reward the person who’s safe, but someone who didn’t work out but clearly tried.

Commercial.

Back. April is in. Nicholas is in. Jason and his fetching hat are in.

To the remaining 3, Heidi tells McKell they were perplexed by her styling. Casanova’s was fascinatingly bizarre. And Ivy made pants out of pants.

McKell is out. And there we have bullshit moment #4. She’s out for bad styling on a good dress. Jason and Casanova stay for a stapled Snuggie and a boob scarf….or because they’re characters. You be the judge. If your stomach can handle it.


So Ivy and Casanova both get another shot. McKell looks completely stricken when she hears this. Tim Gunn tells her he stands by his statement that her dress was adorable, but that the fit and the styling did her in.

McKell says some nonsense about following her dreams, and disappears from our screens forever. The other designers move into Atlas, hope that everything will be better tomorrow and go to bed.

Next time! One day challenge! Another element! Superbly finished! It’s all in my head! You tried to do way too many things with this design! Is this a walk of shame dress? And Heidi tries to avoid the math again by asking “how many of you do we want to get rid of?”