Top Chef DC: in which Communism was Just a Red Herring

Long pepper too hot
Tamesha….

Look, she was a bitch who spent at least two episodes talking about wanting to kill a competitor, and worse yet, she was holier than thou about everyone else’s attitude and despiteall this, SOMEHOW, she still managed to be boring as shit. No haiku for her.

(I think that’s unprecedented, by the way. I don’t know that I’ve ever just all out given up on haikuing someone before. But that’s how bored and sick and . . .bored of Tamesha I was)

So au revoir, Tamesha. You seemed to be a very competent chef. I did not like you.

Anyway. Hi, omelets. How are you doing? I had. . .a day yesterday. We can start with the fact that I had nightmares about my creepy ex-landlord from a million years ago (who I hadn’t even THOUGHT about in years) that woke me up several times throughout the night. And then I got kicked –KICKED—by another pedestrian who felt I deserved it for” cutting him off”. Ok, beyond the rudeness of that. . .try that with your car, fuckface. See who ends up at fault and footing the bill. Let me give you a hint – it’s ugly and mean and wears a red polo shirt, and it’s spelled Y-O-U. Dick.

And then I got a needle jammed into my foot (the very foot that had just been kicked, by the way), as I sometimes do on Wednesdays. And then. . .there was work stuff, but if I talked about it here, I’d be making a very similar mistake to the one the person who caused the work stuff did, and that shall not pass.

So by the time evening rolled around, there were 2 things that had saved my flagging sanity. And they are both in this picture. And neither of them is “decorative tile,” “a hotel pen,” or “a bowl of sugar.”

The wine is a 2007 Norton Malbec that Freckled K gave me the last time I George-sat, and it is delish. The book, is, naturally, the third –THIRD – Top Chef cookbook. I had mixed feelings about it – on the one hand, I feel like it’s too soon. There were three seasons of Top Chef and one of Masters between the first book and the quickfire cookbook; there hasn’t quite been one full season (the last bit of 6, Masters 2, and the first 5 episodes of this one?) between the quickfire book and this one.

But at the same time. . .there are so many things in this book I want to make. And it really illustrates how AMAZING the chefs last season were, because 98% of the recipes are them and the first season of Masters, and it all looks incredible.

And on a related note: if you’re in DC, the Borders at 14th and F is closing. Everything is 30-50% off, and they still have a pretty good selection of cookbooks. The clerk told me the final closing will be sometime in August, so wait a couple of weeks if you want to see the prices go down a bit more. Oh, and they’re selling the fixtures too. So if you need bookshelves. . .and you’re ok with your house looking like a Borders. . .there’s that.

Anyway. I’m cat sitting again, so insert usual teh cats can haz confusing cable disclaimer here, and we’ll move along with it.

Morning! Top Chef DC Townhouse! The chefs yawn widely and Angelo talks about how Tim was a father figure and people are “somber” because he’s gone. O. . .Kay.

Andrea is psyched to have been in the top the last two eliminations. The chefs head out.

Quickfire time! In the Hinkley kitchen, they find Padma, semi-ubiquitous and consistently tiresome guest judge Michelle Bernstein, and a bunch of what Kevin calls “nasty proteins” – crocodile, rattle snake, and “weird eggs.” He’s not psyched.

Andrea, on the other hand, is apparently fine with the “nasty proteins,”but not happy to see Michelle. Love. I personally would rather see row upon row of testicles than ever listen to Michelle Bernstein again (and you can take that anyway you please).But whereas my antipathy is based solely on her previous and tiresome Top Chef appearances, Andrea’s is personal --they know each other from Miami. . .and there’s a rivalry between them. Andrea’s not comfortable with Michelle judging her, because she thinks they’re at about the same level. Um. . .ok, lovie, I am saying this, and I am not a fan of Michelle Bernstein: Andrea, I know Michelle Bernstein. I’ve heard of Michelle Bernstein. Michelle Bernstein has ruined several episodes of Top Chef for me. But Andrea, you are no Michelle Bernstein.

(Call Lloyd Bentsen, get that motherfucker crunk!)

Padma tells them their challenge is to make a delicious dish with their exotic protein. They choose knives for drawing order.

Alex gets first pick, so naturally he takes the foie. That’s some bullshit – I don’t even know how foie qualifies as an exotic protein in the same camp with like llama and duck balls and shit.

Anyway. Kenny picks frogs legs; Ed takes wild boar (again – as with foie, how is this a challenge? I can—and have-- walk down Connecticut Avenue and get boar in at least 5 restaurants [personal favorite is the tagliatelle at Dino]. It’s normal and delicious). Tiffany takes yak; Stephen gets crocodile. Angelo picks the “duck white kidneys” and is horrified to learn that they’re actually testicles. Ed talks about the “cock and balls” soup he used to make for Todd English. Kevin takes ostrich (PEOPLE! You can get ostrich at FUCKING FUDDRUCKERS! NOT EXOTIC!!!). Kelly takes rattlesnake (meh); Andrea grabs the duck tongue, and Amanda gets stuck with the Emu eggs, which look kind of like an avocado’s smoother, uglier cousin.

45 mintues! Food flurry! Angelo pokes the testicles and finds out that they’re soft, like a sweetbread. Amanda is still trying to get into her emu eggs. Alex loves working with foie gras. I love eating foie gras, but again, it’s a pretty bitch move trying to pass it off as exotic. Kevin is glad to have ostrich because that’s what he wanted. And because it’s a joke protein that you can get at FUCKING FUDDRUCKERS, so clearly it doesn’t take a high level of skill to execute.

Padma walks in at 34 minutes and tells them to take over the protein to their left. HA! Body swerve. Amanda is psyched because now she has llama rather than emu eggs. Conversely, Alex is pissed because he’s got ostrich rather than foie. Kelly works on making an omelet with the emu eggs. Stephen doesn’t think moving from crocodile to frog is a huge leap “no pun intended.” Kevin playfully asks Angelo “did I thank you for the duck nuts?” and tells us “I have never worked with duck testicles, or any testicles.”

Do with that what you will, universe, but I feel like any man Kevin’s age, particularly those who’ve sired two children, would’ve done at least some work with testicles in their day.

Tiffany is making duck tongue soup. Andrea is comfortable with boar (because it's not exotic), but still uncomfortable with the judging situation.

Time! Padma and Michelle Bernstein begin tasting with Tamesha’s Duck Tongue in Broth with Mirepoix, Lime & Cilantro. Then they have Andrea’s Wild Boar & Risotto with Dried Cherries, Almond, Mushrooms & Red Wine. Bernstein says that the “flavors are beautiful but it’s a little chilly. Tiffany has made a Foie Gras with Caramelized Apples & Toasted Pecans, Brandy-Caramel Sauce. Alex prepared Ostrich Barded in Caul Fat & Basil with Mushroom Duxelle & Balsamic Glaze. Kevin has worked with the duck balls to make Duck Testicles Meuniere with Beet & Licorice Puree. Angelo’s dish is Seared Crocodile with Ginger, Garlic & Chiles. (Oh, Bravo) Bernstein compliments its “beautiful flavor” but thinks the “texture is totally wrong.” Stephen made the leap to Seared Frog Leg Confit, Tomato Grits, Mascarpone & Blackened Bourbon Sauce. Kenny’s dish is Rattlesnake Francese & Rattlesnake Cake with Leeks, Bacon & Curry Sauce. Kelly used her space avocado to make an Emu Egg Omelet with Goat Cheese & Almonds, Fennel Salad & Harissa Vinaigrette.Finally, they have Amanda’s Llama Sous-Vide with Leek, Date & Bacon Compote.

(I always feel bad when they get to this point in the competition, and they’re only leaving one person’s dish out of the quickfire feature. Sorry, Stephen. Your dish must’ve been unbelievably mediocre)

Michelle Bernstein announces her least favorites: Stephen’s frog was “pretty much insipid.” Alex’s “ostrich was rather dry.” Andrea’s boar needed to be cooked a little more.

And now I’m forced to think that there really is something to Andrea’s Michelle Bernstein paranoia, because how does boar with “beautiful” flavors that’s a bit “chilly” come in under crocodile with “beautiful” flavor, but where the “texture is totally wrong”?

In the top, though are Kelly’s omelet, which was “pretty amazing.” Tamesha’s duck tongue was cooked “almost to perfection.” And Amanda did a beautiful job with that llama.

And here I’d just like to throw a little “Me and My Llama” your way.


Remember when Sesame Street used to be awesome? And now it’s all Elmo all the time, and I hate it. In my day, we used to learn real things from Sesame Street, like Spanish, and how to grieve for Mr. Hooper, and proper dental hygiene for llamas. And now all it teaches kids is how to tolerate the screaming of a brain damaged red puppet.

And the winner is. . .commercial! God, I hate this cliffhanger nonsense.

Back! DuPont Circle fountain! And the winner is. . .Kelly. So she gets immunity. For an omelet. I am ambivalent to her, and I do not like the idea that you can get immunity for an omelet. I don’t care what animal’s eggs you make it out of. It could be made out of the dinosaur eggs from some Jurassic Park type scenario, end of the day, it’s still a bloody omelet.


Elimination challenge time. They draw knives for their teams. Padma tells them that their challenge is to make a delicious cold entrée. They’ll be serving in two teams, and each team will judge the other’s food. Kelly, because she has immunity, will be eating both teams’ food. And they’ll be doing their meal planning on the U.S.S. Sequoia. So they can plan “Cold War Strategy” on the boat, just like Kennedy and Nixon did.

Sigh.

U.S.S. Sequoia. They’re on a boat! Kenny feels like the paranoia of the Cold War speaks well to the situation of the chefs judging each other, and worries that people are out to get him.


Amanda says no one else realizes how “hurtful, vulnerable, and scary” the prospect of the challenge is. Kevin snoops around, hears Angelo giving advice to other chefs. Tiffany and Ed report to each other on what they’ve heard. Kevin tells Kenny that Angelo is giving other people advice. This is the shadiest challenge yet. And I really wish they’d stop with all the Cold War analogies and the espionage and the sneakiness and paranoia. As we all know, Communism was just a Red Herring.

They dock (they’re off the boat!) and head out on like a six hour drive so they can get from the Potomac to the Silver Spring Whole Foods. For their sake, I hope this was at three in the morning or something, because otherwise they spent the full day in those bloody Toyotas.

Kelly is thrilled about having immunity and the long term advantage of tasting everyone’s food.

Once at Whole Foods, they have30 minutes to shop and a $200 budget. Angelo says that with the cold food challenge, it’s important to have “robust flavors” and buys sockeye salmon. Tamesha buys scallops. Alex promises to try and be fair with the judging. Stephen is looking for Asian seasoning for his filet. Tiffany tells us that either “I was saying” or “Alex’s saying” that they wouldn’t vote Stephen off because his personality was so good in the house. This is where the cats’ mysterious Fios cable becomes a true impediment – it could mean totally different things depending on what she actually said, and I have no idea. Commercial.

Back! They return to the Hinckley kitchen with 2 hours to prep. Tiffany is making tuna. Andrea is doing 3 tartares, and is still worried about Michelle Bernstein, because they started out at the same time, and then Andrea got married and had kids, while Michelle focused on her career and kept rising. Kevin is feeling very confident about his dish. Kenny is doing lamb two ways, and worries that his competitors will put him in the bottom because he’s a threat.

A motif of this episode is how Kenny thinks he’s so awesome that the only reason anyone would vote against him is because they see him as a threat. It’s fucking tiresome – I know I may be in the minority with this, but I do. Not. Like. Kenny. I am not impressed by his swagger or his self proclaimed sexiness or his velour bathrobe. I feel like Bravo is trying to set up Kenny vs. Angelo with Kenny = good and popular and Angelo = bad, sneaky svengali. But I find them pretty much equally tiresome, and it seems like we see so much more of Kenny that he’s wearing on me in a worse way.

Anyway Amanda is making a chicken galantine, and has difficulties with her grinder. Tamesha hates Amanda because she runs around all the time and they had a conflict during the school lunch challenge. She says she could “strangle her in the heartbeat.” I cannot wait to be rid of her and her self importance and her anger issues – there’s something about the completely chill way in which she discusses strangling a competitor that wigs me out slightly. And yet, she’s ultimately so boring. I think that’s probably the sign of a truly disturbed person – that they can have a host of toxic personality traits and still be boring.

Andrea wonders what Angelo’s motive is in helping people out, and thinks it’s part of his “Cold War strategy.” STOP. Stephen thinks that Kenny and Angelo being on opposite teams gives the rest of them the opportunity to get one or the other eliminated.


Next day! They get to the venue for the Cold War Challenge. I miss where it is – some place with green walls. Ed doesn’t think anyone in the other group will personally attack him.

20 minutes! Kenny says he’s ready for every battle. Then he blabs some more about how awesome he is and how everyone wants him out. Alex thinks he tastes cartilage in Amanda’s dish, but doesn’t tell her because it’s a competition.
5 minutes! Diners enter! Kevin is nervous because he didn’t execute as he would’ve liked.

Padma asks the chefs if they’re excited to taste their competitor’s food. There’s a lukewarm response, and then the first team presents their dishes. Amanda presents her Chicken Galantine with Mache & Plum Chutney; Kevin describes his dish as a “surf & turf” --Tuna & Veal with Mediterranean Condiments. Kenny has made two preparations of lamb -- Grilled Lamb Salad & Lamb Carpaccio, Black Eyed Pea Hummus. Alex has also gone for lamb with a Lamb Sous Vide with Red Beet Puree & Tzatziki. Finally, Ed has made Sockeye Salmon on Pumpernickel, Cream Cheese, Chilled Cucumber Vichysoisse.

They start with Kenny’s lamb. Tiffany thinks it’s a little chewy. Kevin says the experience with okra and carpaccio is slimy and not great.

Tamesha finds Alex’s tzatziki heavy. Andrea says the beets needed more salt or texture or something. Tamesha thinks Amanda’s galantine needs salt. Angelo says the meat wasn’t cold enough, so it coagulated; Andrea gets the cartilage that’s been foreshadowed for the last few minutes.

Kevin’s surf and turf, according to Stephen, is beautiful to look at but one note. People talk about it needing acidity, and Tom looks perplexed. Apparently Tom got Meyer lemon slices and tomato that other people didn’t. Tiffany is getting nervous because the chefs are being so harsh.

Their final dish is Ed’s salmon. Angelo would’ve preferred everything separately, and Tamesha thinks the lemon should’ve been broken down.

Now it’s time to nominate the best and worst. All the chefs call Kevin’s the most successful, though Tiffany hedges a little bit and talks about Ed’s dish. Hmm…. For the bottom, Angelo finds Kenny’s vision “convoluted.” Tiffany agrees. Stephen finds it “texturally unsuccessful.” Andrea has a hard time choosing between Amada’s and Kenny’s, but votes Amanda because she can’t get past the cartilage. Tamesha votes for Kenny, so he’s up for elimination.

Stephen interviews that he doesn’t feel there was any sabotage or scheming, but that could be his naiveté. Commercial.

Let’s spend the commercial break wondering why they didn’t do the tasting blind. I mean, I know they did that in Season 5 and still for the most part knew each others’ food well enough that they could tell whose was whose and use that as part of the judging, but at least there was a pretense that it MIGHT be slightly more impartial.

Fakeback. Andrea and Ed talk about how Angelo is a “ringleader” and trying to possess people’s minds. That's like hyperbole taken to a new and crazy level. Ed talks about how he and Angelo dated the same girl in college – apparently Ed stole her from Angelo or something, because we get him saying either “’sokay, I used to bang his girlfriend,” or “sokay, I’m still banging his girlfriend.” I hope it’s the former, because the latter’s not the classiest way to talk about a current partner. Or a former one, for that matter, but we’re all grownups; we all know how these things roll.

Back for realsies. Scenes of Washington! Oh, the legendary N6 Bus to Friendship Heights! Wait, what?

Group B starts cooking. Tiffany worries that her dish may be too simple because everyone is doing “duos and trios.” Angelo gets nervous and amplifies the seasoning by putting on more condiment, and then knows he’s doing too much and can’t stop himself. Tamesha wants to give the other chefs a new experience.

The chefs sit. Tom tells them “you should’ve heard what they said about your food, oh my God.” The chefs giggle nervously. I wonder if that’s what makes this group nicer, or if they would’ve been nicer anyway, or if the second group’s food was just better. Anyway, Amanda interviews that she doesn’t have a problem being impartial but she thinks others might.

The second group introduces their dishes. Tiffany ‘s is a Spice-Crusted Ahi Tuna with Gazpacho Sauce; Angelo has made Poached Sockeye Salmon with Cilantro & Chili in Pineapple Tea; Andrea’s dish is a Trio of Tartares: Tuna, Beef, and Mushroom-Fennel. Stephen has prepared Chilled Beef with Crispy Rice & Jalepeno Oil; and Tamesha has made Scallops with Pickled Rhubarb, Cilantro & Basil with Rhubarb Jus.

Amanda likes Tiffany’s gazpacho flavors. Kenny likes the flavors in Andrea’s trio, but thinks the beef needs more seasoning. He also says Stephen’s beef doesn’t “blow [his] socks off” and Ed says he can’t taste the beef in Stephen’s at all. Then he throws in a “Where’s the beef?” reference. Way to be timely, Ed. Or DC-appropriate if you want to read it as a Mondale thing. Which just brings us back to. . .way to be timely, Ed.

Amanda thinks Tamesha’s scallops are too spicy, and she fans her mouth. Kevin says they have a “funky flavor.” Kenny can’t appreciate the flavor of the salmon in Angelo’s dish, and Amanda says they’ve had so much “Asian influence” that it’s starting to blend together.

Asked about their favorites, Kevin names Angelo and everyone else says Tiffany. So Tiffany’s in te top. For their least favorite, it’s unanimously Tamesha’s. GOOD. I hope she and her anger problems and her monotone voice get the boot.

After eating the other chefs’ dishes, Kevin has mixed emotions about his food, and hopes it worked, and is nervous that they don’t know what the other group said.

Stew room. Andrea tells Amanda about the cartilage problem. Amanda’s convinced that she’s going back to the bottom. They tell Kenny that he was their least favorite. Kenny is “really trippin’ out,” and of course puts it off to his being a threat.

Padma calls back Tiffany and Kevin. Judges table!

Padma congratulates them on having the top dishes. They high five each other. Tom tells them they were voted in by their peers, but that the judges were in agreement.


Gail compliments Kevin on the contrast in his dish. Tom tells Tiffany her tuna was perfectly seared, and Michelle tells her it was the most refreshing dish they had.

And the winner is. . .Kevin. Whoa –consistently bottom to top of the top. Reverso time.

He says that getting the win is huge and “a monkey off my back.” For winning the Cold War, he gets to go somewhere warm. . .the Hilton Hawaiian village.

They return to the stew, and he calls back Tamesha and Kenny.

Padma tells them they’re there because their peers selected them. Tamesha says she’s quite surprised to be there. Gail asks why she used the long pepper, because it was overpowering. Michelle says it was odd that one side of the scallop was left to sit in the viscous sauce, because it took on a “raw” texture. Tom tells her the scallop got lost.

Kenny felt that his dish was sound. Tom says nothing bridged the two parts of his dish. Kenny says the seasoning on both sides was the same. Gail says the flavors got diluted.

Padma asks why he thinks his peers voted him there, and he says it’s because he’s a threat. Blah, vomit. Just. . .get over yourself, ya big douche. You’re good, I’m sure, but you’re not good enough to merit the constant yakkity yaking about how good you are. And it’s fucking BORING.

Michelle tells him that whatever his peers’ reasons were “as a person who really just got here” she “didn’t really enjoy the flavors of this dish,” and that if she explained all the problems with the various components, it would take to the end of the show. Ha. Suck it, Kenny. And Michelle Bernstein just made herself an eensy bit more tolerable. Eensy.

Deliberation. Gail is flabbergasted that Kenny thought his “17-25” ingredient dish was straightforward, and Tom says it wasn’t even cooked nicely, and they didn’t even hit on the problems with the puree.

Gail says Tamesha’s flavors were “infighting,” and Michelle goes on again about the way she cooked the scallop.

In the stew, Tamesha says she knows “my ass is not fucking going home.” Oh, I feel like you’re wrong. You’re really, really wrong, bitchcakes. Commercial.

First real Just Desserts Teaser Commercial! Yay!

Back! Tom tells them they’re there for very different reasons. Kenny had a lot going on and didn’t pull it together. Tamesha’s dish could work if she reworked it.


Padma tells. . .Tamesha to pack her knives and go. While that really couldn't have been any more predictable, somehow she looks honestly staggered, but thanks them. She tells us “I’m going home for some bullshit fuck.” And she doesn’t think it’s fair to go home for “a minor mistake.”Well, then, what about burning the judges’ mouths off in a dish that also managed to include a raw tasting scallop? Is that a fair reason to go home? Dumbass.

Tiffany feels like Angelo knew what was wrong with Tamesha’s dish and didn’t do anything about it. Tamesha’s proud of herself for keeping up with chefs older than her.

Next time! “If Tiffany’s fiancé caught wind of anything that was going on, Ed would definitely be in trouble.” “This is the first time they’ve handing over the Palm to anyone else.” And then Alex steals some pea puree or something.