Top Chef, DC: Power, the Palm, and Pea Puree

Doesn’t eat swordfish?
Is Michelle Bernstein’s “rival?”
Ok, Andrea.

Seriously, hon, if you’re having your picture taken for your bio for the highest rated food show on cable, why on earth would you dress like a comedienne from the early 90’s?

It’s hard for me to feel too bad for Andrea. I really think she hung in about as long as she possibly could’ve, and she’s been in the top or winning group a handful of times.

Plus, unlike a lot of people who never really stand out from the pack, Andrea’s actually had a storyline of sorts – she will forever be remembered as the chick who thought she was Michelle Bernstein’s rival.

And honestly, I don’t so much have time to feel bad for her. My internet at home has been fekakta since I got back from the cats’ house on Sunday, and I am currently sitting in Starbucks finishing up this recap and scorching the crap out of my mouth on one of their egg sammiches. AND the Bravo interns have no episode photos up, so I’m having to create my own using the preview videos and my mad freeze framing skillz, and the videos are loading slow and playing choppily and failing if I try to scan back. So this morning is a royal pain in my ass is what I’m saying. And tomorrow is likely to be the same, but Lifetimey-er.

You all are lucky I love you.

Here’s my takeaway from this episode: I’m sick of all the other girls talking shit about how Amanda doesn’t deserve to be there. Why not, stupid bitches? She’s been in the bottom a couple of times, yes. She’s also been in the top. How is she so much worse than you are? If you don’t like her, say you don’t like her. Stop trying to frame it as “she doesn’t DESERVE to be here,” because the logic just doesn’t support it.

Let’s get a move on, shall we? I have to be at work in 50 minutes.

Have I ever told you what I do during the credits, loves? I chant out who’s here and who’s gone to the tune of the theme song. So this week it’s Gone! Gone! (Food) Here! Here! (food) Gone! Here! Here! Here! Here! Gone! Here! Gone! (whisk) Here! Gone! Here! Here! Gone

Morning! Top Chef DC Townhouse! Ok, I think showing the Vietnam wall as an establishing shot is a little tacky. Kelly is freaked that people from her room keep getting whacked. Kevin is glad he finally won. Kenny, despite having heard Michelle Bernstein slam his food, still thinks he was there ONLY for strategy. It’s nice how he’s completely unable to process the reality of the situation. Angelo is sad that Tamesha’s gone, but Tiffany wonders if he submarined Tamesha and Stephen, since he helped with both their dishes and they both sucked.

Hinckley Kitchen! Quickfire! Aaron Schock of the 18th district of IL and the infamous questionably gay fashion choices tells them how the first thing you hear about in your ethics training is food.

. . .sigh.. . .

Padma tells them something about how so you can’t sway congressmen, everything you feed them has to be on a toothpick. (this is actually to keep the congressmen lean and hungry so they don't get fat and discontented in their captive state. The National Zoo does the same thing with the pandas)

So their challenge is to devise a delicious hors d’ouevre that packs the punch of a full dish. And it’s a high stakes quickfire – the winner gets immunity and $20,000. Andrea really wants to win because $20,000 would help pay off the debt for her struggling restaurant. For maybe the first time, I notice that Andrea has a jacked up grill – it’s not that she’s got hillbilly teeth or anything, it’s just that something about her top fronts is a little bit wanky.

(Look, I’m a tooth obsessive. I’m sorry. It’s one of the drawbacks of being one of three kids in your high school who had perfect or borderline perfect teeth while everyone else had braces. People’s teeth fascinate and repulse me. I had a hard time getting to know two of my closest friends because they both had jacked up teeth, and it took me awhile to get past that. I’m super glad I did, of course. I’m also super glad one of them has since had that mess fixed)

30 minutes! Food flurry! Everyone makes a run for the protein. Kenny is doing a mojito relish to infuse a cocktail into his bite as well. Stephen feels like he’s going to get the $20K and immunity. Alex thinks Stephen overdoes it a little. Tiffany thinks Amanda doesn’t seem like she knows what she’s doing. Amanda doesn’t like making hors d’ouevres – she thinks it’s boring.

12 minutes! Andrea is used to making hors d’ouevres because she does a lot of group business. Angelo’s pineapple is too damp. Ed is having a hard time conceptualizing everything.

Time! Padma and Schock go around tasting the dishes. They start with Kevin’s Grilled Pork Kabob On Mushroom With Sherry Vinegar. Andrea has made Buttermilk Fried Chicken, Pecan Cheddar Waffles, Pickled Watermelon & Black Pepper Maple Gravy. Ed’s dish is a Duo of Tuna: Crunchy Tuna Confit, Grilled Tuna with Avocado, Sweet & Sour Watermelon, which Schock tells him has the flavors of Asia “without the long plane flight”.

Next up is Tiffany’s Crispy Pork Roulade with Prosciutto, Date & Red Pepper Coulis, followed by Amanda’s Lamb Kabob with Heirloom Tomatoes & Salsa Verde. Kenny has made Tandoori Spiced Sockeye Salmon & Shrimp with Mango-Mojito Relish. Then they get Angelo’s Duo of Tuna: Crunchy Tuna Confit, Grilled Tuna with Avocado, Sweet & Sour Watermelon.

In the last group, we have Stephen’s Scallop & Beef with Crispy Potato, Bearnaise Sauce, which Schock finds “very meaty.” It’s followed by Alex’s Scallops with Crispy Bacon, Strawberries & Basil Essence, and they finish with Kelly’s Scallops with Watermelon, Pickled Watermelon Rind & Watermelon Vinaigrette.

Once again, I’m struck by what an unoriginal group of hacks this is – they’re told to make something on a toothpick, and pretty much everyone has made a kebab or a scallop. Bo. Ring.

Padma asks Schock to list the chefs who had the most difficulty. He chooses Alex; Ed, who’s dish looked better than it tasted, and Kelly, who’s dish lacked flavor.

For the top, he lists Kevin because he tasted his dish first and thought about it all around the room; Angelo, who’s dish was like “fireworks in my mouth,” and Stephen. He tells Stephen “All I could think of when I saw yours was ‘wow. There’s a lot on that stick.”

Oh, Rep. Schock. That’s what he said. And by “he,” I mean your gay homosexual turquoise belt, and your bi-curious pink checked shirt.

And the winner is. . .Angelo! Cue insincere applause from the competition. Kevin is pissed off that Angelo keeps winning for doing the same thing over and over. He makes a dumb comment about how the judges “like eating Chinese food all the time.”

I’m so fucking sick of all these asshole hacks equating “Asian influence” with “Chinese food” or “Sooey sauce.”

Commercial! I don’t understand the music they’re using in the Project Runway promo. Does someone die this season or something? (please please please let someone die or something) Because it sounds like a commercial for an Indie suspense flick – probably one where there are a lot of kill me obvious film studenty visual references to Hitchcock, and a “shocking twist” at the end. Heidi Klum’s been dead the whole time!

Back! Elimination. For their challenge they’ll take part in an old school political tradition. . .the Power lunch. They’ll be taking over the kitchen at the historic Palm steakhouse. They’ll serve 24 diners each using 5 of the main ingredients on the menu.

They draw knives for their proteins: Kevin has lamb chops; Ed gets lobster; Andrea gets swordfish; Kelly gets porterhouse steak; Alex gets salmon; Stephen also gets salmon; Tiffany gets swordfish; Amanda gets porterhouse; Angelo gets lobster; and Kenny gets lamb chop.

Padma assures them they’re not cooking head to head – they’re competing with everyone, not just those with their ingredients.

Whole Foods! 30 minutes and $300. Stephen has 3 great power lunch dishes for salmon, so he feels like this is his day. Kevin feels like he has to be competitive towards everyone, even though Kenny, who’s a friend, is the other person who has lamb. Andrea hates swordfish and only spends $181 of her budget. Oh, biiiiiiig mistake, Frizzoli and Smiles.

Hinckley kitchen! 2 hours to prep. Angelo is afraid of his 4 pound lobsters. Ed feels like the size of the lobsters puts him at a disadvantage. Alex thinks his portions of salmon are “dinosaur style” and big enough for 2 people. Amanda’s never cooked a porterhouse steak before, so she starts taking the steak off the bone. Kelly points out that this makes it not technically a porterhouse, so she thinks it’s a bad move.

Angelo’s not familiar with a power lunch. He gets his lobsters into a pot and throws a sheet pan on top. There’s a clanging noise as one of the lobsters – we’ll call him Greg – tries to fight his way out. Oh, Greg. You put in a valiant effort. However, we both have our time in life, and this day just happens to be your time to be poached and served with butter and crammed down Art Smith’s gaping craw.

Ed is freaking out because he’s spent all of his time breaking down the lobsters. 3-2-1! Prep time is over!

Night! Top Chef, DC townhouse! Alex still doesn’t know what he’s doing and has too many ideas. Kenny is wearing his fucking beige velour bathrobe that everyone thinks is pimp for no apparent reason. Alex might do something with peas, and Andrea asks “the same ones that Ed got?” Then he and Andrea talk about how good Ed’s pea puree looked. Alex shrugs.

Ed and Tiffany hang out in a bedroom. She tells him not to doubt himself. Despite the fact that they’re sitting on separate beds, and roughly 9 feet apart, Andrea thinks that if Tiffany’s fiancée caught wind of what was going on “Ed would be in trouble.” Oh em gee, I KNOW. Isn’t it DREADFUL when your significant other has a friendship with a person of the opposite sex (or the same sex, if that’s your thing)? Ed would be in SUCH TROUBLE if Tiffany’s fiancée ever found out he was hanging out in the same room as HIS WOMAN.

Ugh. Commercial!

Oh, this is the first time I’ve seen the Jenny Craig commercial (actually, that's the wrong one but you'll get the idea) with that horrible comedienne with the sound on (I usually see it at the gym in the morning, on the elliptical machine tv where the captions don’t work). With the sound off, it looks like a parody commercial done by a horrible comedienne. With the sound on, it’s obviously someone fighting for scraps of cultural relevance.

Back! Palm Steakhouse! They crowd into the kitchen where they are greeted by Bruce Bozzi Jr. He tells them this is the first time they’ve handed over the kitchen since his g-grandfather opened the restaurant in 1926. Tom will be watching them, and the winning chef will not only get their dish on the menu, but have a caricature of themselves on the wall.

Food flurry! Kelly wants Amanda to go home because “she’s not very experienced and she shouldn’t be here right now.” She also won’t share the salt with people, so she dumps it all on her own steaks.

Alex says the key to his whole plan is the pea puree.

Enter Tom! Yay, is this the first Tomthru of the season? Have I said that already? He wants them to keep the kitchen cleaner. Andrea asks Kelly for extra butter; Kelly says nothing but Amanda has some that she shares, because unlike Kelly, she’s not a bitchfaced cow. Angelo slices himself. Ed can’t find his pea puree. Everyone says they didn’t see the pea puree. Ed thinks Alex stole his pea puree. Tiffany points out that he has to focus and do something else. She gives him her leftover broccolini.

The diners start to enter. Kevin is reheating his sous vide lamb. Oh, look, it’s senator Warner. A minute left. Padma introduces the diners – Mark Warner; Mika Brzezinski; Joe Scarborough; John Podesta; Bruce Bozzi; Kelly O’Donnell; Luke Russert (what a cute kid) Savannah Gutherie; and Big Gay Art.

So. We meet again, Big Gay Art. Let’s hope you don’t babble ceaselessly about your famous clients and how “food is love” this time, lest I be forced to vanquish your Big Gay Ass yet again.

The ladies of Porterhouse Steak serve first. Kelly introduces her Porterhouse with Crispy Potato-Arugula Salad, Roasted Shallot Demi-Glace, Amanda has turned hers into a Duo of Strip: New York & Filet Mignon, Red Wine with Pomme Parisienne & Arugula.

Savannah thinks both of Amanda’s cuts have great flavor. Bozzi likes it a lot.

Savannah says Kelly’s is “about half a cow” and Luke says “it’s more Texas than DC.” Gail thinks it’s oversalted, but Scarborough thinks it’s more enjoyable than Amanda’s.

Next up are the swordfish girls. Tiffany’s is Swordfish with Olive-Raisin Tapenade with Broccolini & Bacon, while Andrea has done a something Bravo helpfully describes as “Swordfish with.”

Fucking interns.

Kelly O’Donnell can tell there are calories in Andrea’s, and Big Gay Al says “I’m fearful of what it can do to me.” He and Gail giggle like schoolgirls. Warner thinks Tiffany “gave it some zest,” but Podesta wants the fish cooked a little less. Tiffany feels awful because she knows the fish is overcooked and it’s worse because she knows the dish.

Interlude. Big Gay Al asks Luke Russert “what’s your favorite burger?” Luke replies “I’d go with the Obama one.” Art nods. Fun! They’re obvi talking about Good Stuff Eatery, and I’m glad Luke Russert and I have the same favorite.

Remind me to tell you my Russert family story at some point. It involves Bethesda and brunch and book signings and an exacto knife and my ass getting grabbed. All the things of quality drama.

Salmon boys! Stephen has made Salmon with Warmed Vegetable Salad & Worcestershire Vinaigrette, while Alex’s is Applewood Smoked Salmon with Black Forbidden Rice & English Pea Puree. Ooh, is the rice forbidden because it’s stolen, like the pea puree?

Also, now I want to photoshop a “Lambada: the forbidden dance” poster to read “Alex: the forbidden rice” or something like that.

Big Gay Al likes the sweetness of Alex’s pea puree, and Mika likes the portion size. Big Gay Al finds Stephen’s salmon “messy” while Warner says it’s got a heaviness to it.

LOBSTER FLURRY. Ed and Alex yell and snap at each other trying to get plated. They present Angelos’ Poached Lobster with Lobster Froth And Jicama, Arugula & Asian Pear Salad, and Ed’s Poached Lobster Ballotine with Eggplant & English Pea-Asparagus Fricassee. Gail has a chewing issue with Angelo’s, and Bozzi finds the foam strange. Scarborough doesn’t know if he’s “a foam man.” Kelly likes Ed’s presentation, and Savannah most enjoys the eggplant. Gail finds the peas unnecessary.

Kenny presents his Peppered Lamb with Fig-Pistachio Bread Pudding, Fig Jam & Vanilla-Morel Demi Glace. Kevin has made Double-Cut Chops with Olive & Goat Cheese Rissole, Mache & Tomato Concasse. Bozzi finds Kenny’s sauce interesting, and Gail calls it “a fig jam that he’s piped out.” Luke gives it an “Oscar for best actor” but thinks the supporting cast isn’t up to par. Big Gay Al laughs. Aw, someone’s got a filthy crush on Luke Russert (and it's not just me). Kelly finds Kevin’s too “zing zing” but Gail calls it a “silky puree of fire.”


Deliberation. Tom says the kitchen was a mess. Big Gay Art blathers “coming from a human side, a side where food is love, there was love in some of those dishes.” Ulch, Art Smith! Can you ever NOT be tiresome for 20 seconds? This “food is love” bullshit act is fucking old and tired, and it was old and tired the first time you pulled it out of your bag of big gay tricks.

Ed still wants to know who took his pea puree. Kevin thinks that if Alex stole Ed’s puree “it’s kind of grimy.” I’m going to start using “grimy” instead of “sheisty.” Commercial.

Back! Fakeback! Stephen offers to give Tiffany a seminar in being on the bottom. Then he gets up and gives a Tony Robbins-esque speech, telling them all to focus on the words . . .and then there’s a long beep. Amanda says it was so funny she almost peed her pants.

Back for reals! In the stew room, people are still talking about puree gate. Alex is mystified that people think he took Ed’s pea puree, and claims he didn’t even know Ed was making pea puree. Then we see the clip of him hearing about Ed’s pea puree the night before. Yeah. . .it’s never good to lie about what you knew or didn’t know when cameras are filming your every move.

Padma calls back Alex, Tiffany, and Ed. They have the best dishes. Tiffany wipes away tears, because she’d already “put up” in her mind that she was on the bottom.

Ed talks about his lobsters looking like “Volkswagens.” Big Gay Al tells Alex that one of the things he enjoyed about his dish was the pea puree, and then he goes on about the pea puree for 90 minutes

I really hope they’re going to use this to pay off in a huge moment of reality TV schadnefreude at some point, because otherwise it’s cruel to do all this set up with no result, like they do.

Art gets to announce the winner, and it’s. . . Alex. Oh, storm cloud looks from his competitors.


They go back to the stew room and it takes awhile for anyone to clap for Alex. Everyone thinks he stole the puree. Alex tells them the judges want to see Kelly, Andrea, and Kevin.

Padma tells them they had the worst dishes. They start with Kevin. Gail wants to know what was in his tomatoes because “all we got was heat.” Tom’s biggest problem was the lamb itself, because one chop was really overcooked. Art thought the bones weren’t properly cleaned and that made him question “was there enough care put in the dish.”

Andrea says that swordfish isn’t something she normally eats. Tom says there was way too much vanilla.

Kelly says she wanted to pay “awmidge” (I’m always thrilled by the number of different ways we’ve found to butcher the word homage) to the traditional steakhouse, and thinks she might’ve been too salty. Gail says the salt “layer after layer” of salt in the dish became a fatal flaw.

They get sent back to the stew room. Amanda thinks it’s karma that Kelly didn’t share her salt with others, and is now on the bottom for being too salty. Ha-ha. I agree. I like Amanda. I do not like Kelly. So this salt thing has me happy.

Kelly sobs up a storm about how she seasoned to her taste during the quickfire and they found it bland, so overcompensated during the elimination. Ha-ha, mean girl. If you hadn't been such a salt hog, it wouldn't have happened.

Tom points out that Andrea’s swordfish was under the heat lamp for 7-8 minutes, and Art says not eating a dish personally isn’t an excuse for doing it poorly. Art thinks Kevin’s was an honest mistake. Tom says that everything on Kelly’s plate was a salty mess, and Art says that oversalted food makes him question the chef’s palate. Commercial!

I can’t wait for “the season’s most emotional elimination” on Work of Art. I hope it’s Miles, or that anorexic girl that does nudie pics of herself for every project.

Back! Tom tells them that all of their dishes “left us wanting to take a power nap.” Kevin overcooked his lamb. Kelly oversalted her food. And Andrea gave them a dish that was totally unfocused.

Padma tells. . .Andrea to pack her knives and go. Kevin and Kelly both collapse with relief. Andrea is disappointed because she feels like she didn’t get to “truly show” herself, but feels her problems were more mental than anything else. She says she doesn’t need “four people behind a table” to tell her she can cook because she knows she can.

Next! Ambassadors! “Jesus, do they even have a cuisine?” Alex gets really aggressive. Alex needs more focus in the dish. I don’t feel China is being well represented. I think Amanda’s Beef Bourgennoine needs beef.