Top Chef DC: Things Look A Little Less Rosie.

Rosie O’Donnell’s
Doppelganger was sent home
Insult to sausage.

Oh, Tracey. Poor Tracey. I actually am sad to see her leave, lovies, because I had so many Rosie O’Donnell jokes left to make at her expense. I was even going to see A League of Their Own to give myself some material.

(And I know, yes, I know, it’s a travesty that I’ve not seen A League of Their Own. If it helps, I’ve seen the last fifteen minutes five or six times)

Anyway. I feel like things are finally starting to get going with this season – we learned a lot this week about who’s consistent and who could pull out a shocking top 4 place. We learned about Amanda’s coke problem and Tracey’s psychic abilities. We learned that Alex is a slob and Kenny has a girlfriend who signs her love notes “Juicy.”

There are three things I think about when I hear the word “Juicy,” loves. One is Juicy Guidos, like Theresa Giudice’s husband Joe. One is Better Than Ezra’s “ah-ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, Juicy!” And the third is Biggie’s “It was all a dream/I used to read Word Up Magazine/ Salt and Peppa and Heavy D up in the limousine.”

And the last two always make me think of how I keep planning to make a playlist of different songs with the same title, and how I never get around to it. If you have any suggestions, put ‘em in the comments.

This week’s disclaimers (I feel like starting a series called les disclaimers des semaines or something): I’m still on the drowsy eye alcohol warning meds. And I’m cat sitting, so I’ve got the normal problem of not being able to work with the cats’ cable. It’s actually nice in some ways, because it means I get through shit without worrying about getting shit right, but at the same time. . .I worry about getting shit right. And if the Bravo interns take a week off again, you all are stuck with descriptions that are just “Angelo has made a PIE. Tracey’s is a PIE. Kelly’s pie is PIE” and so on.

But let’s just go.

Morning! Top Chef DC Townhouse! Amanda brushes her teeth while sitting on an exercise ball and frets about how some chefs thought she should have gone home.

Kenny opens a letter from his girlfriend telling him to have faith hope and courage, and is determined to stop coming in second to Angelo. Also, Kenny’s girlfriend signs her letters “Juicy.” I have to wonder if her letter self automates, or if her letter is for all the niggaz in the struggle. Either way, it’s all good, baby bay-bay.

Angelo is upset that Kenny didn’t stand behind the team (which.. . is really rich coming from the doucherie who made celery and peanut butter ) and it makes him want to isolate himself.

Arnold says that last night it became game on because people are already throwing each other under the bus (in my initial type-through, I had that as teoutb, and it took me a minute to figure out what that meant. It looks like a captcha word).

Hinckley Hilton Kitchen! Padma waits for them with super hot – in both career and appearance – pastry chef Johnny Iuzzini . Remember him? He was a judge in season four.

Gail is also there. Her shirt matches Johnny’s because the two of them will be working together on the forthcoming Top Chef: Just Desserts. Yes, I will be recapping it. I am a fucking sucker for this franchise.

And it’s a dessert quickfire. The chefs freak. Johnny Iuzzini tells them that a lot of pastry work is about planning. Padma tells them their challenge is to make a pie. . .from scratch.

Love. Darlings, I am the furthest thing from a professional chef, and I’ll be the first to admit that my major strength is not in cooking itself, but in my ability to follow directions. That said, the better I get at cooking, the more frequently I cook. . .the worse my pastry skills get. In high school and college, I wouldn’t have thought about serving a piecrust I didn’t make myself. Now? It’s all about the premade Pillsbury in the pan.

Stephen is nervous and discouraged about this challenge because the two chefs who’ve gone home so far went for making desserts. Padma tells them that the winner of the quickfire gets immunity. And they have 2 hours to cook. ..starting now! Food flurry. Arnold and Kelly fight over a station; Arnold is annoyed because Kelly is two-faced. Angelo has never cooked a pie in his life, so he’s turning it into a . . .curry challenge? O.. . kay. Timothy says. .. ok, let’s just put this out there: Timothy doesn’t speak. He Barry White’s. Everything he says, even if it’s “do you have any spare toilet paper?” has the same intonation as “oh my dear/ take off your brassiere.” Anyway, Timothy Barry Whites “what did I get myself into?” He’s doing an apple pie. Lynne says that being an instructor at CIA gives her an advantage because she doesn’t need recipes. Amanda doesn’t like pie (Commie), but has made an apple pie before, and her pie today will be apple rosemary bourbon and vanilla. Tracey is keeping her pie top secret. Arnold can’t find his pan. He thinks “pies live in the South with the unicorns – they just appear magically sometimes.”

Wait. . .WHAT????

Alex is making an almond crust but hasn’t sorted his filling. He decides on tapioca. BARF. There are a lot of foods I hated as a child that I love now (I’m looking at you, bleu cheese). Tapioca will never be one of them. Anyway, Alex asks Ed to taste something, and Ed says he’s the wrong one to ask because he hates chocolate. Blasphemer. He says Alex is a slob and has no technique. He’s making a banana cream pie, which somehow involves peanut butter and celery. ENOUGH. Enough with the peanut butter and celery, people. If peanut butter and celery : this season :: scallops were: season 5, then the level of talent among the contestants has gone down like . . .I don’t know. What’s our current DC sex scandal? Oh yeah – it’s gone down like Al Gore at a massage convention.

Timely!

Tracey has to start her pie over. Half an hour!

Kenny is making cobbler style banana foster pie. Hm. Will it be on fire? Because I don’t know if I’d really call it Banana’s Foster unless it’s on fire. He chants “bake. C’mon girl, bake” at his pie.

Stephen “curry apple whiskey date” –he’s happy about it and thinks he has a shot. Tracey’s pie is a crumble. Time! Commercial!

Back! Tasting time. The judges start with Kenny’s Bananas Foster Pie with Currants & Chinese Five Spice. Then they taste Amanda’s Apple Pie with Rosemary and Bourbon, Hazelnut Crust. It must be kind of awful because the judges spit it out, and Iuzzini tells her that saying she’s not a pastry chef is a cop out – his grandma isn’t a pastry chef, but she can still make an apple pie.

Daaaaaaamn, Johnny Iuzzini, there you go busting out that stern face again.

Moving on, they try Stephen’s Curried Apple Date Pie with Saffron; Kelly’s Dark Chocolate Ganache Tart, Chocolate Pate Sucre, Spiced Raspberry Sauce; and Arnold’ s Kalamansi and Key Lime Pie Parfaitt with Korean Soju which makes Gail shake her head. Then they have Angelo’s Sweet Potato Pie, Curry Spices, Crumble Crust; Tracey’s Blueberry Almond Crunch Pie, Light Cream, Almond Brittle; Tiffany’s Peach Cobbler with Cornmeal Crust and Buttermilk-Lemon Crème Anglaise; and Lynne’s Mango Pie with Basil & Vanilla Crust, Basil Ice Cream, Coconut Cookie. Then they try Ed’s Banana Cream Pie, Salted Peanut, Celery Spuma. He says it’s based on his grandmother’s Banana Cream Pie, which causes Gail to quip “how does it compare to your grandma’s celery spuma?” Finally, Alex has made a White Chocolate, Tapioca & Chevre Pie, Almond Crust & Raspberry Puree. Iuzzini says it’s“more like a quiche”

Judging time! For the least favorites, Gail lists Alex’s for not having good texture, and Tracey for assing up her crust. Johnny then adds Ed to the list because he “didn’t understand” how he screwed up the idea of a banana crème pie.

In the top, are Kelly, whose chocolate pie was “beautifully made” and showed that simplicity can go a long way, and Stephen, who had a “very surprising flavor combination.” But the winner is. . Kenny! Kenny is excited to have won his first challenge, and says he knows he’ll start to shine from this point out. Stephen is disappointed and “Hongry for a win.” I secretly love people who pronounce hungry as “hungry” – it’s one of the few things I still like about Paula Deen now that I’ve gotten to the point of overexposure where the very sound of her voice makes me want to shoot out my TV.

Padma then tells them that for their elimination, they’ll be celebrating another American tradition – the picnic! Their task will be to prepare a cookout at Mount Vernon for 150 Capitol Hill interns.

Alex looks forward to seeing Mount Vernon and taking advantage of an intern. Arnold is concerned about the grill clogging his pores.

Shopping! 30 min $400. Kevin is doing a Puerto Rican Barbecue in honor of his wife. Tracey is making sausage to impress the judges. Amanda randomly talks about having problems with cocaine and pills in her mid twenties. Oh, a tragic back story. She’s gone.

Commercial!

Back! The chefs roll up to the “Jodie Foster made me do it” kitchen. Arnold recaps that they’re making a picnic for 150 interns. He’s doing a lamb meatball on a lemongrass skewer. Kenny says winning is important because picnics remind him of his late father.

Stephen finds Tracey’s constant sausage monologue distracting. She has issues with her grinder and thinks she’ll run out of time to case the sausage, so she switches to making them sliders. Timothy is doing multiple meats, and is confident in his “grill skillz.” Angelo’s concept is an Asian picnic. He’s confident he’ll be in the top again. Someone is wrapping something in bacon.

Amanda and Alex fight over an oven. Inopportunely, Tom chooses that exact moment to arrive for his Tom thru. Amanda explains that she had labeled it, and was going by “prison rules” about putting your name on your shit to him as her interview. Ok, now I hope she stays around – between the coke problem and the reliance on prison rules, I’m sure she’s got some interesting stories.

Ed is going to “approach the Middle East tomorrow.” He explains his menu to Tom, who thinks he’s got a lot of stuff going on. Arnold is pressed for time, and Tom worries that he’s spent too much time in front recently. Stephen is wrapping Chilean Sea Bass in bacon. Ok, I know the show isn’t “about” sustainability officially, but that’s been a subtext often enough that I’d think people would avoid making a tin eared fish choice like Chilean Sea Bass.

Tom departs. Food flurry continues – 9:38. Amanda needs tape. Tiffany worries that she hears Amanda running and screaming a lot, and gets stressed out just looking at her. Time!

They head back to the Top Chef Townhouse and talk about what they’re doing while a lot of them sit outside and smoke. Angelo thinks Amanda is a good and smart chef, but not a great chef, and certainly not able to beat him. Amanda thinks people don’t take her seriously – she wants to prove them wrong.

Next Day! Mount Vernon! Oh, god, I need to go back sometime soon – I haven’t been in years, and I love it there. One hour to cook! Arnold watches Kenny and copies what he does on 2 seconds delay. Timothy tries to teach the po’ li’l wimmins how to grill because they’re so inept.

Kenny thinks that returning over and over to Asian food is a bad idea for Angelo.

People start to arrive. The interns are playing badminton and croquet on the lawn. Timothy thinks his rub will seal the deal. Time!

The interns swarm for the free food, as interns are wont to do. Enter the judges – Padma, Tom, Gail, and WAXMAN!!!! Yay!!!! I’ve missed him in the four weeks since last he graced my TV screen.

They taste the chefs’ dishes in groups. First up is Arnold’s Sesame Lamb Meatball, Tabouli Salad, Gazpacho; Tamesha’s Marinated Skirt Steak, Caramel Soy Glaze, Fennel Citrus Salad; Angelo’s Vietnamese Lettuce Wraps, Smoked Egg Salad; and Alex's Pork Butt, Lemongrass Glaze, Polenta & Cucumber Salad. Alex tells us “I’d want to eat the ass out of this pig all day.” Ok, I hope we're almost done with him -- the clumsy sex jokes are already tiresome.

Tom likes Arnold’s, and Waxman thinks it shows real talent. Waxman thinks Tameka’s steak is overcooked. Gail likes Alex’s pork but Waxman thinks it’s overcooked. Waxman calls Angelo’s “a magazine cover dish.”

Second group! This includes Timothy’s Pork Two Ways: Dry Pork Loin & West Babyback Ribs, Grilled Vegetables, Spring Salad. *(What are West Babyback Ribs?) A goose flies overhead and shits on his table. Waxman tells him “they say it’s good luck though.” Ok, I only know about the bird shit/good luck for a year thing from Judy Blume, but I’m pretty sure it only holds if the bird shits on you, not if he shits on your table to make an editorial statement about the quality of your cooking.

Anyway, bird shit aside, they’re also getting Amanda’s Dry Rubbed Baby Back Ribs, Grilled Asparagus, Smoked Bacon Hazelnut Vinaigrette; Kelly’s Bison Burger, Watermelon & Tomato Salad; and Kevin’s Marinated Flank Steak, Rice and Beans and Tomato & Avocado Salad

Tom likes Tim’s pork but hates the sides. Padma says “maybe that bird knew something we didn’t.” Tom thinks Kelly’s burger is bland. Ok, making a bland bison burger would take some talent. Gail likes Amanda’s ribs more than Tim’s, and Waxman loves her grilled asparagus. Gail finds the texture of Kevin’s beans strange and Tom says the rice is bland.

Group three! They sample Lynne’s Leg of Lamb with Ras El Hanout, Zucchini "Spaghetti", Balsamic Onions; Kenny’s Harissa Marinated Pork Loin, Quinoa Grilled Eggplant; and Tracey’s Italian Sausage Slider, Tomato, Cucumber & Red Onion Salad.
Gail thinks Kenny’s pork is well cooked. Padma says the lamb feels heavy. Tom says Tracey’s slider “is just meh,” and Waxman calls it too big for a slider.

Final group! This batch starts with Tiffany’s Tamarind Glazed Wild Sockeye Salmon, Israeli Cous Cous; Andrea’s Spicy Root Beer Glazed Skirt Steak, Potato Salad; Stephen’s Bacon Wrapped Bass, Ratatouille and Olive Pine Nut Cous Cous; and Ed’s Tuna Loin with Lentils Hummus.

We then learn that Ed’s father was also a chef, and he told Ed years ago that he’d surpassed him.

They like the tuna. Tom can really taste the root beer in Andrea’s skirt steak. Waxman says Tiffany’s glaze is flavorless. Gail thinks Stephen’s bass isn’t good at all.

The chefs then go around tasting each others’ food. Angelo thinks Amanda’s dish is the best “even better than mine to be honest with you.” Tracey thinks everybody’s food is good.
Commercial!

Back! Oh, Fakeback! Tracey says she’s psychic – or rather clairvoyant. Her readings are 85% on the money. She thinks the other chefs love it. Yes, Andrea really seems to love hearing that her husband is going to be going in a different direction. OY.

Back! Stephen thinks he nailed it. Padma calls back Arnold, Ed, Amanda, and Angelo.

Judges’ Table! Padma tells them they had the winning dishes. Then they throw out some hasty compliments: Waxman thinks Ed’s dish was bright and a bold choice; Tom says Arnold’s lamb was full of flavor; Amanda nearly killed Waxman with her asparagus (this is meant as a good thing); and Tom enjoyed Angelo’s dish very much.

Waxman announces.. .Arnold is the winner! Yay! Bitchassedness and queeny posturing aside, I still like him. He says it’s nice to be recognized for being who you are. Padma asks them to call back “some of your colleagues.” Amanda says being in the top 4 was just as good as winning. Oh, Amanda. That’s what losers say. Only winning is ever as good as winning.

Arnold calls back Tim, Steven, Tracey and Kevin.

Padma tells them they had the most disappointing dishes. Stephen admits he hasn’t done this dish for a picnic before, and Gail says the bass was unappealing. Tim says the bacon had no char on it at all.

Gail didn’t like Timothy’s vegetables, and Tom says things were underseasoned. Waxman gently says that he shied away from the dish rather than pushing it to the limit.

Padma calls Kevin’s dish “the safest Puerto Rican food I’ve ever had,” and Gail tells him to step it up.

Tracey says she’s not surprised to be there. Waxman thinks she should’ve crushed the fennel first, and Gail’s burger was raw. Tom finds her food insulting to Italians “me being one!” Oh man, she’s doomed. In Tom’s eyes, the only thing worse than insulting Italians is not honoring the protein. Waxman thinks she stopped trying.

Padma says they’ll call them back in a bit. They return to the stew and Tracey asks “who’s going to miss me the most?” Oh look – she really is clairvoyant!

Padma says there were a lot of mistakes. Tom thinks Stephen made a bad choice of dish and Waxman calls it “raw bacon with a piece of overcooked fish.” They say Timothy’s dish was “at least edible.” That’s pretty much the definition of damning with faint praise right there. Waxman thinks Tracey’s burger looks like something his 10 year old son would’ve made. They think Kevin misjudged the strengths/weaknesses of his plate.

Commercial!

Back! Tom reminds them of what the challenge was, and hurls his final batch of insults. Stephen’s dish was in keeping with a restaurant, not a picnic. Timothy’s dish should’ve been soulful and full of flavor, but it was wilted and watery. Kevin’s inspiration didn’t come through. Tracey’s “Italian food” was “white bread and slimy onions and peppers.”

Padma tells Tracey to pack her knives and go.

She thanks them for the opportunity, and thinks it’s a fair decision. People hug her. She says it was the experience of a lifetime, and thinks she should’ve prepared better emotionally for the experience.

Next! Two chefs will be going home! We’re not going to use that much are we! How many mistakes can we make! I’m anxious at this point because Eric’s known for fish! Mike Isabella! Spike! Bryan Voltaggio! Oh my god, it’s a DC topchefgasm.