Top Chef: Two Scoops of Plump, Juicy, Elimination

Undercooked pasta
Was Arnold’s undoing, but
It was all Lynne’s fault.

How’s that for a nice balanced non-partisan haiku, pollywogs?

So that episode. . .happened. I really don’t know what to say about it beyond that.

But it’s not like that’s ever stopped me before. So….prepare to have a torrent of incoherency unloosed at you:

• I thought this was another example of this season’s really uneven editing. The first two rounds of the elimination challenge flew past in about twenty seconds, and then we spent three years on the dinner group and the judges table. And that meant we got a lot of super-concentrated exposure to those 6 contestants.

• Which. . .was helpful in that it cemented my opinions about those chefs, which has been tough to get done with some of them since there are still nine million of them (and almost all their names start with A, K, or T. It's annoying and makes it hard to keep track).

• But ultimately that opinion is: I DO NOT LIKE ANY OF THOSE PEOPLE. Well, I liked Arnold. And I maybe kind of like Andrea. I still need a bigger dose of her. But Kelly and Lynne both come across as sullen joyless bitches. And don’t even start me on Kenny, who has way too fucking high an opinion of himself.

• But the worst by far is Kevin. Kevin is a loser, whining, douchebag, possibly chauvinist jackass. And if Kenny’s opinion of himself is premature and somewhat undeserved, then Kevin’s is downright delusional. Kevin? You? Have been in the bottom or the middle. Always. Shut the fuck up. Better yet, get off my television. Soon. I’ll take a full summer of the two pasty white guys I can’t tell apart and the bald Russian who can’t stop cracking lame sex jokes if it means I never have to see your sad puss spouting nonsense about how good you are again, because all of the evidence at hand clearly indicates that you’re not.

• After the nonsense at elimination, Lynne is a close second. Quick review (there’ll be more on this later, natch): she insisted on not listening to Arnold’s advice about when to cook the pasta, and didn’t start it until the last moment. They were then eliminated for . . . undercooked pasta. And then she blames it on letting Arnold take the lead? Balls to you, lady.

• In my eyes, by far the best outcome last night would’ve been to axe those two sourpusses, and keep their teammates.

• And the baby food challenge. . .fine in idea, but it would’ve been much more typically Top Chef-ly if part of it had been a twist. You have to make a gourmet baby food . . .hey, wait – now make an adult dish that isn’t bland as shit to go with it. Or vice versa.

So to sum that up: Arnold, I feel like I might be the only person in the world who liked you, but I really did and I’m sorry to see you go out on a bum rap like that. And Lynne, you’re a vile cow.

Let’s just go, shall we?

Morning! Top Chef DC Townhouse! Everyone seems to be fairly slow in waking this morning. Arnold says that after winning the last challenge, the grill is his friend now, and the recognition feels good. Andrea misses her buddy, Tracey, and is sick of being in the middle. Timothy says he’s off to a rough start, but it’s not how you start, it’s how you finish.

Quickfire! At the Insanity Defense Reform Act of 1984 kitchen, they see an array of baby toys. Everyone finds this strange, as they find the fact that Tom and Padma are greeting them rather than Padma and the guest judge.

They’ll be making a dish that satisfies Tom and Padma, and a pureed version for their new babies. This is apparently how my parents fed me for most of my infancy. I never ate the sort of baby food that gave George stinky gas; I ate whatever my parents were having, but run through a mill. That’s the way to do it, folks -- healthy and economical.

They have 45 minutes and everything in the kitchen. And it’s a high stakes quickfire –both Tom and Padma will pick a winner who gets $10,000.

Arnold says if he won he’d give it to two orphanages in Thailand that work with babies with HIV and AIDS. Aw. Alex, conversely, says he’d buy himself something nice “ a hooker and an 8-ball please.” HA!!! These are both awesome answers for entirely opposite reasons, even if I find Alex and his constant sex talk vaguely disgusting.

But the catch is. . .immunity is off the table. And their time starts. . .NOW!

Baby Food flurry. Alex says he practices “making baby, but not baby food.” Ok, barf. That’s what I mean about not loving him and his constant creepy sex talk. The challenge hits home for Kevin, who’s wife is presently pregnant. Tamesha has a 7 year old brother; she’s trying to make something flavorful for the adults and more plain for the baby.

21 minutes! Kelly wants to prove you don’t have to have kids to win the challenge. Kenny talks about how his first wife died in a car accident when their daughter was a year and 4 months. Kevin thinks his daughters would choke on the apple chunks in Kenny’s brunoise. It seems like he’s missed the fact that they’re going to be pureeing it?

Angelo loves educating his son – (ok, wait: record needle screech. Angelo has a son? I realize you don’t have to like the vadge to have a baby, and granted, his baby looks kind of Asian, but . . .this is fucking my head the way few things have since finding out about Richard’s female wife) -- especially about flavors, so he wants to do something layered, like a tiramisu.

Time! There are components missing from Kevin’s dish. He’s pissed because he wanted to dedicate it to his forthcoming baby. Ha-ha, failure. Your baby isn’t even born yet and you’re already disappointing it.

Let us now taste 8 of the combos, and ignore the rest. Kenny’s dishes are Curried Chicken, Mango Salad, Butternut Squash Confit & Maitake Mushrooms. Timothy has made Sautéed Lamb with Mushrooms, Shallot & Ginger. Kevin’s is a Pan Seared Duck (resting in a gross looking puddle of watery blood) with Baby Carrots. Kelly’s is Roast Pork Loin with Grilled Peaches & Ginger. Padma makes a horrible face because she gets a lemon seed in her baby food version.

Moving to Lynne, we have Chicken with Sweet Potato and Fruit Compote. Angelo (whose son is named Jacob Elias) has created a Poached Tuna with Fenugreek Broth, Tomatoes, Soy Sauce & Honey. Alex’s is Duck with Spinach, Basil & Mushroom. Ok – who are all these people feeding duck to babies? Finally, Tamesha’s dish is Salmon with Vegetable Chowder & Lobster Stock, Thai Basil & Licorice Oil (at right).

Tom thinks they did well overall, but calls out his bottom two : Timothy, whose lamb was overcooked, but whose baby food was ok even though the adult dish missed the mark. Also Alex, whose puree was too herbaceous. Padma’s losers are Kevin, who made bloody duck, and Kelly, who made bland meat.

For the top, Tom picks Lynne’s, which was seasoned well, and Tamesha’s because her puree had some texture. Padma liked Angelo’s because of the “elegant” baby food, and Kenny because of the flavors and a little spice.

Tom’s winner is . . .Commercial!

Back! Tom’s winner is Tamesha. Padma’s is Kenny (at left). Tamesha says “holy shitballs. I won 10 thousand smackaroos. How you doin’?” I kind of love “shitballs” as an exclamation. It makes me happy. Actual shitballs, though, are an unpleasant thought.

Elimination! Padma asks them to welcome Beth Scott, the VP of restaurant concepts at Hilton. Hilton is looking for a new signature menu dish that’s healthy but still sophisticated. They’ll have to create breakfast, lunch, and dinner dishes in teams of two, and will compete tournament style—everyone competes at breakfast, where the top 2 teams will be declared safe; 2 more will be declared safe at lunch; and the losing team at dinner will be eliminated

They’re told to pair up, and we see a few partnerships forming. Tim picks Tiffany; Ed is unthrilled to be stuck with Alex; Arnold goes with Lynne. Stephen and Amanda are stuck together because they’re the last men standing – or the last man and recovering coke addict lady standing. One of those.

And then we see an exterior shot of the escalators at the DuPont Circle Metro station. It looks so much prettier when you’re not limping down it on your way to work after getting a cortisone injection in your foot, screaming “EXCUSE ME” or “STAND RIGHT, PLEASE,” at a bunch of clueless fucking tourists. Not that this is something I’ve done. At all. Or yesterday.

Then suddenly they’re at the Silver Spring Whole Foods (oh, the magic of television), where they have 30 minutes to shop and a budget of $200 for the whole 3 dishes.

Tiffany’s not psyched to be with Timothy because he’s been in the bottom lately. Lynne finds cooking in a team challenging because she’s used to being the boss but doesn’t want to be overbearing. Arnold says he’s working with Lynne because they’ve had success together before (in the school lunch challenge), and winning this challenge would be “like 2.5, maybe 3 wins in a row,” and people would take him more seriously.

Kevin and Kenny amble slowly down the aisles, and Kenny talks more about his wife dying. Dude, we get it. Susur Lee’s wife died too and you didn’t see him trying to milk it like that all the goddamn time. This episode is where I get fucking sick of Kenny. Ed is nervous about Alex’s insistence on making pancakes, and he’ll be upset with Alex if it fails.

Down the metro! and magically swiftly back to the Hilton – ok, seriously, if you tried to go from the Hilton to the Silver Spring Whole Foods on the metro, it would take you 40 minutes, and that’s IF the trains were running on time and didn’t catch on fire or go off the rails or get jumped in front of. And you’d never want to do it with armloads of groceries, because the red line is never anything less than catastrophically overcrowed.

Anyway, they zip effortlessly back to the Hilton where the tasting panel awaits – the tasting panel being past contestants Spike (who I saw through the window at the soon to be finally opened We the Pizza on Tuesday evening – hi Spike!), Mike (who is escaping Jose Andreas’ empire of tiny tapas and opening his own place), and Bryan (who I’d still like to lick), along with Beth Scot, and Nora Pouillon (of restaurant Nora), Tom, and Eric Ripert.

Speaking of people I’d like to lick. Hello, Eric Ripert. It’s so nice to see you again.

Time starts. . .Now! 30 minutes for breakfast! Food Flurry! Amanda wants to win, especially for Stephen because he’s been in the bottom lately and “we wanna bring our little buddy up.” Aw. In addition to this being the episode where I got thoroughly sick of Kenny and began hating Kevin in earnest, in this episode, it was where I started to really like Amanda. I hope she’s around for awhile.

Timothy and Tiffany are doing crab cake Benedict. Ugh. I got into a screaming Television Without Pity fight over this during the mess that was season two, but having lived in the Mid-Atlantic for 9 years now, I cannot NOT think of Crab Cake Benedict as completely horribly trite and overdone. It’s perfect for a Hilton challenge, though, because that is hotel food if I’ve ever tasted it. (and I say this even though I like Crab Cakes Benedict, and occasionally order it for brunch. It is just plain DONE. You might as well pretend a standard Caesar salad is innovative cooking)

Alex is stressed because things have to be done ala minute, and Ed is sick of Alex insisting on things being done his way. And then their Hollandaise doesn’t make it to the plate. D’oh.

Time! Commercial!

Back! Fake back? Already? Angelo says Tamesha is sexy. Ed says Tamesha is young and green, and therefore right up Angelo’s alley. Angelo says she has an inner lion. Tamesha says they’re very good friends, but there’s no way it’s going to happen.

So the message I’m getting from this episode is. . .Angelo might be kind of straight? Thanks for clarifying that, Bravo, because I hadn’t gotten that picture at all from the previous episodes. I’m floored.

Back! Alex is pissed about the hollandaise. Alex and Ed introduce their dish as a “hash spin off”: Prosciutto Potato Cake, Egg with Lemon Pancake, Bellini Cocktail. One set of tasters is missing the cake as well as the sauce. Ed feels like a jackass since he was in charge of the cake.

Next we have Angelo and Tamesha’s Egg, Bacon & Cheddar Broth. Tamesha thinks her egg is the same texture that Bryan serves at his restaurant; Bryan thinks the yolk is over.

Following them is Arnold and Lynne’s Tortilla Española with Chorizo & Bacon, Olive-Pear Salad & Papas Bravas. Tom finds the texture strange.

Kenny and Kevin present their Poached Egg on Herb Brioche, Prosciutto, Manchego, Spanish Olive Tapenade. Kevin thinks it will appeal to Hilton guests because of the European influence. The judges hate it.

Better received is Amanda and Stephen Poached Egg, Pancetta, Potato Rosti with Grape Ragout & Hollandaise. Spike likes the confit bacon. I love the idea of confit bacon – I hope this recipe gets featured on the website (or the next cookbook, since you know there’s gonna be a next cookbook) because I’d like to try it.

Andrea and Kelly have prepared a Bacon-Cheddar Wheat Waffle, Poached Egg, Mango-Lime-Mint Yogurt Smoothie. Eric says “the ayg ‘ave no seezoneeng.”

Tiffany and Tim present their incredibly trite “Creole Style” Crab Cake Eggs Benedict with Asparagus & Bacon Potato Hash in Hollandaise (YAWN). Bryan thinks the crab cake is well seasoned. Tom says they don’t need the hash.

Padma announces that Amanda and Stephen (at right) and Tim and Tiffany. . .are safe! They had the best dishes and get to sit out the next rounds of the competition. Stephen is so excited to put this one under them. Tiffany says “it is about TAHM! Ok?”

For everyone else, time for lunch starts. . .now. 45 minutes. Kelly is frustrated because there’s no feedback between rounds. Kenny is pretty heated because he thinks other people getting excused before him is bullshit. Maybe you should’ve picked someone who didn’t consistently suck ass at every challenge as your teammate then, mm? Angelo is fuming after not winning the first course “it’s like you wanna get out of the pool and there’s piranhas trying to bite you.” Arnold describes his team’s lunch dish as a play on tuna salad, but worries that it’s too quirky for the Hilton. Ed doesn’t get to taste his team’s scallop. Time!

Ed and Alex go first again with their Sea Scallops with Ricotta Gnudi & Broccoli Rabe. Oh, nom. Tom likes the gnudi, but Bryan thinks it could’ve been smoother.


They’re followed by Angelo and Tamesha, who’ve made Beef Slivers, Jicama-Asian Pear Salad, Mint, Cilantro & Kimchi Vinaigrette. Mike is yearning for texture. Eric says “eez a lot of onyons een zees deesh”

Next up are Arnold and Lynne with their Tuna Cannelloni, Forbidden Rice Salas [sic] & Tomato Vinaigrette. Arnold wants to be safe badly. Spike doesn’t think it would be easy to execute, but Nora says all the salads are wonderful.

Kenny and Kevin’s lunch dish is Chickpea Pappardell [sic] with Grilled Chicken & Tahini Sauce. Eric says the chicken “gets lost een za pasta” but Mike likes the flavor profile.

Then we have Andrea and Kelly’s Crispy-Skinned Red Snapper & Panzanella Salad, Mustard Vinaigrette. Andrea is worried about serving fish to Ripert. Bryan thinks the fish is overcooked. Padma “if I’d gotten this at Le Bernardin, I’d send it back.” Eric wags his finger at her “I woold nevair send eet,” he tells her. Everyone laughs, because Eric is charming and sexy and has standards about his food. And they want to lick him. Anyway, Tom is pissed off about the use of canned beans.

So who gets to sit out the next course? It’s. . .Angelo/Tamesha and Alex/Ed (at left)! Ed is flabbergasted. So am I, actually – I was counting on either him or Stephen going home this week since I still can’t tell them apart. Angelo is just glad that Kenny has to go through, and would like to see Kenny and Kevin eliminated. Andrea is pissed because she wasn’t expecting to have to go into dinner.

Time for dinner starts now. They have an hour for dinner, and Kelly points out that “we are definitely cooking for our lives at this point” and is “frustrated and bitter” that they have to cook “feeling like we’re in the bottom of this competition.” Hello, darling? You ARE in the bottom of this particular competition.

Kenny is pissed, and says he knows he’s been hitting it with his food. He is apparently confused about the difference between "knowing" something and "thinking" it. Arnold is surprised that Lynne is pissed off. Andrea worries that Kenny and Kevin are making short ribs too. Kevin is confident that their short ribs will be better.

Kenny turns down the oven Lynne has preheated for her foccacia. Lynne is pissed, Kenny is unapologetic – she tells him she’d preheated it and he replies with a douche “well, I didn’t know that.” If my estimation was a skyscraper, then Kenny dropped about 18 stories this week.

Lynne is worried about overcooking the pasta, so she doesn’t want to put it in until the last minute. Arnold presses her to put it in sooner because they have to plate still. Lynne acts like she’s doing it, but then says “I’m still not gonna put it in. Fresh pasta 12 minutes ahead of time? I don’t think so!”

Please remember that statement for 10 minutes from now when she blames their loss on Arnold.

Kevin is pissed that he and Kenny aren’t agreeing about the sauce. Andrea says the sauce is THE thing with short ribs. Arnold is stressed because he doesn’t trust Lynne anymore.

Commercial!

Back! Service! The first dish is Kevin and Kenny’s Braised Beef Short Rib, Squash, Potato & Carrot Confit & Tempura Horseradish. Scott is curious as to what they were thinking when they conceived the dish. Kevin says it uses familiar elements. Mike loves the crispy horseradish, but Padma couldn’t tell it was horseradish. Padma thinks the jus was delicious, but Nora says there wasn’t enough of it.

Andrea and Kelly’s Dinner is Braised Beef Short Rib, Polenta, Shiitake Mushrooms & Gremolata. Spike says it has real short rib flavor. Mike thinks the polenta is very stiff.

Finally we have Arnold and Lynne’s Pineapple Red Curry Mussels with Squid Ink Pasta & Focaccia. Bryan says the pasta is not cooked. Eric says “ze pasta eez not good at all, but ze zauce eez good.” (yeah, fuck you sideways, Lynne, you crabsnaggling mope. Did you hear that? YOU fucked up) Nora agrees that the sauce has a great balance between lemon and spice; Spike thinks it makes more sense conceptually than the other 2 dishes.

Stew room! Padma calls back all three bottom teams.

Judges table! They tell them one team had the best dish of the day, and one is going home. And the winners are. . .Kelly and Andrea! Their dish will be on the Hilton menu, and one of them gets 6 nights in Venice while the other gets 6 nights in Barcelona. Kelly feels great about having two elimination wins. Andrea is excited to go to Spain since she’s never left the country.

Now for the bottom. Padma asks Lynne and Arnold if they’re happy with the outcome. Lynne thinks the pasta was undercooked, but Arnold says it was cooked perfectly. Nora asks if having black pasta and black mussels was intentional. Arnold says yes. Lynne was happy with the flavor but thinks the dish could’ve been refined.

Tom tells Kenny and Kevin that the winning team won because they had more of a glaze on the shortrib. Eric asks “deed you tayst your sauce?” and tells them “I ‘ad a ‘ard time to find zee ‘orseradish flavor in zee sauce. Een zee deesh, actually.”

Tom asks why their dishes should keep them in the competition. Kevin tells them “we approached the challenge really well” and thinks the dish was something guests would like. Arnold says they did something “completely different from everybody elses” and that it had a “quirky avant garde approach."

Padma dismisses them for deliberation. Tom points out it’s anybody’s game because they’ve all been inconsistent (well, except Kevin who has sucked ass at least half the time) and they can only count today’s performance. That said, he gives Arnold and Lynne credit for trying something different. Padma says “mussels and squid ink pasta is a hard sell on a hotel menu,” and Eric agrees “squeed eenk scare a lot of peephole, an zee pasta was not cooked.”

Tom thinks Kevin and Kenny needed more of a glaze on their short rib. In the stew room, Kenny says “I should be on top. I’m definitely not someone that should be on the fucking bottom.” Ulch, fuck you and your tiresome overfat ego.

Eric says “I couldn’t detect the ‘orseradish flay-vor” in Kevin and Kenny's dish. Tom says the horseradish tempura got soggy in the sauce.

In the stew room, Kevin rants about how you have to tell people to eat food. Amanda says “you’re not someone to tell people how to eat food.” And then there’s a fight in which Kevin, who I dislike immensely, tells Amanda dismissively “I know, I know – you know.” Dude – she’s been in the top last week and got to step out after one round this week. You? Are a fucking loser. You stink of loserness. I wouldn’t go within a mile of your restaurant, because you lose so much that even going in proximity to the place probably gives you fucking botulism. And I hope you go home soon – I would rather look at John’s manky ass spermpossum dreads for the next two months than ever hear you open your mouth again.

Commercial.

Back! Tom reminds them that each team had 3 chances to avoid elimination. He praises Lynne and Arnold for going outside the box and giving them a great sauce and a delicious dish, but with undercooked pasta. He tells Kenny and Kevin that they needed more glaze on the short rib, and the horseradish kick wasn’t there.

Padma tells. . .Lynne and Arnold to pack their knives and go. GAH. GAH. Arnold tells them he’s honored and humbled to have met everybody. Lynne is sad to be going. Arnold says he’s sad that Lynne didn’t voice her problems with the execution to him. Lynne says letting the younger chef take the lead was the mistake.

Remember how I told you to remember the moment where Lynne doesn’t put the pasta in when Arnold’s urging her to, because she thinks she knows how long it’s going to need? Remember that in light of how they’re going home FOR UNDERCOOKED PASTA?

Yeah, fuck you, Lynne. Letting Arnold “take the lead” was not your mistake. The mistake was when you did your own thing and ignored him. Fucking beast.

Next: This is a trainwreck! My presence is the alpha male presence (oh, fuck you, Kenny). Somebody else has to compromise! And something gets spilled in the grass.