Project Runway: Ain't No Party Like a Tim Gunn Party 'cause.. .it's Never a Party. It's Always a Trap.

Sarah had blonde hair
And we didn’t know much else
And now she is gone.

So first order of business: if your life won’t be complete without reading my very late recap of the episode I missed due to vacanze, you can find it hyah.

Now, onto last night’s episode: I still actively loathe the ninety minute format. It’s unnecessary, and all we’re getting out of it is more sewing montages and scenes of the designers eating.

But. . .

If they could just trim that back down, I feel like this is starting to look like it could be another fairly solid season of designers. Last night they had to do something really innovative – not just “make clothes out of other clothes” or “make something pretty for a billboard,” and there were a handful of really stunning looks. And there were more beyond that that may not have been quite as fully realized, but were still visually arresting and/or promisingly executed.

And then of course, there were some hot messes, but really, that’s what this show’s about. No one would tune in to see JUST good clothes. So I believe the messes are our future.

Sarah. . .we hardly knew ye, mostly because they spent the first two episodes milking every ounce of douchebaggery out of Jason and his hat and his puff chested straight manliness. And then we spent most of this one being told what a smug bitch Gretchen is. And you were just another girl in your twenties, without any defining peculiarities like Peach’s oldness or Mondo’s tendency to wear wee paste on moustaches.

So all that we got from you was a shock of white blonde hair and the impression that you’re fairly good friends with Michael C, and did some competent work. Sorry you had to go so soon.

On the Gretchen front: you all know how much I hate it when people fall for the editing, right? You’ve heard me rail against the “OMG, Irina is TEH EVUL!!!” cuts when “sweet” Althea was matching her bitch comment for bitch comment. You’ve heard me condemn the “Michael is a jerk!” theory on Top Chef. And if you didn’t get the picture already, you’ll hear an earful on Monday about how stupid it is to believe that “Kenny is the BEST!!!!” when the only evidence we have that Kenny was ever a front runner is his own constant selling of that idea – his record does not uphold it.

But the “Gretchen is a SMUG BITCH!!!!” edit? I’m totally down with it. I am sold, hook, line, and sinker. Sign me up for that one, and throw in the gift with purchase.

Let’s get to the meat of this mess, shall we?

Morning! New York! Atlas apartments! In ladies’ quarters #1, Ivy congratulates Gretchen on her second win. Gretchen reflects on how the whole group is “very caring and loving,” and how they weren’t surprised by her dual victories, and how everyone loves her. Meanwhile, in ladies’ quarters #2 and dudes quarters #1, we see Peach, April, and Michael C bitching about her.

And so it begins. The editing monkeys at Bunim Murray are setting Gretchen and her cheekbones up big time…AND I LOVE IT. I don’t know where it’s going, but I LOVE IT.

We report to the runway, where the model pick of yore has been reinstated now that Heidi’s caught on to the fact that no one wants to watch a half hour supplementary show about a bunch of girls sitting around an apartment pretending to eat things (she’s punishing us for its failure by adding that half hour into the already interminable original show, and using it to show us close-ups of the Whoever’s Sponsoring it Now accessory wall, and additional footage of her own “clever” comments at judging. You win again, Klum). Anyway, Gretchen keeps Alexandra.

Heidi then tells them that making it through the first two challenges is “a cause for celebration. Tim is going to throw a little party for you.”

Oh, rutabagas. We all know better by now, right? Say it with me: it’s never a party. It’s always a trap.

Tim meets them at some sort of superlatively tacky party superstore – we’re told the name is “Party Glitters,” so it’s grammatically nightmarish in addition to being second only to Heidi’s closet in the amount of shiny, ridiculous crap it contains.

Tim tells them that this is where they’ll be getting their materials for the challenge – their garments must be made entirely out of party supplies. He also cautions them against using things that are too much like fabric – tablecloths and the like – because the judges won’t respond positively to them. They have $100, and either 50 or 15 minutes to shop.

AJ is stoked – he says this challenge is right up his alley. Gretchen laments the fact that everything in the store is “cheez ball” and “nothing about my design aesthetic is cheez ball.” Oh please. Take the stick out of your ass and embrace your inner drag queen. Casanova frets that “I’m not able to make a dress weeth boollsheet,” so he buys a bunch of tablecloths. We see a flashback of Tim cautioning them against doing just this, with the caption “2 minutes earlier.” Hee. Casanova also buys some stuffed dogs, which he will refer to as “Plosh Poppies,” several times throughout the episode. It’s kind of hypnotic the way “plush puppies” sounds in his accent, and I’m not sure why.

Having denuded Party Glitters of a significant portion of its. . .party.. .glitter.. . .the Scooby gang heads back to Parsons. Gretchen talks about how it’s important to stay true to her own …ok, my notes say “bday,” but that can’t be right. Just assume that since Gretchen is saying it, it has something to do with her awesomeness, and it’s tiresome. AJ and Mondo have similar plans for their dresses.

Tim advises them that they’ll have until Midnight that night, and a bit of time the next day for the challenge. The winner of the challenge will also have immunity for next week.

We then get a disturbing sequence of Casanova disemboweling his stuffed animals and mounting their pelts on dress forms. “I lohf dee Plosh Poppies,” he rhapsodizes.

Oh, Jesus, this is straight up out of some drag queen version of Deliverance or something. Commercial.

Back. Gretchen yammers some more about how you have to prepare everything. There are some close-ups of Mondo in his latest gay Hummel goatherd gone wild attire, and we decide that Mondo himself is something like a stuffed animal. Watch out, little Mondo! Casanova might think you’re a Plosh Poppy, and slit you stem to stern and put your hide out to dry!

There’s then a long sequence at the craft services table where everyone eats fried chicken and AJ talks a lot. This is what the extra half hour is buying you, America. Fried chicken and more senseless jibber jabber.

After about six years of eating and loose talk, we finally return to the workroom. Valerie is making a halter dress with some streamers. Gretchen tells us “she’s definitely going to be in the top with me” but that “I’m a force to be reckoned with.” Oh, die in a fire already.

Sarah is making something out of one of those cut-out palm trees that you tack to walls when you have a sad Hawaiian theme party in the middle of winter to boost employee morale. Casanova tells us “I don’ care about the other designers, because they’re, like, eento crazy theens, an’ I’m not.” He also sagely points out “we’re no’ making a piñata, we’re making a dress.”

Andy is doing some intricate weaving with ribbon. Michael D. has prepared a silver hula skirt or something.

Then we get about 20 minutes of Gretchen wandering around offering “words of wisdom” to everyone. It’s gross. Thanks for that extra half hour, Heidi – it’s helping me decide who to hate soooooo much earlier in the season.

Tim thru! He starts with AJ, who he feels like understands the materials. Then he moves to Valerie, who is making a dress of napkins. It’s black and white, and inspired by the “Ascot Gavotte” number from My Fair Lady. Oh, I love her. I want to hang out with her and have her make me dresses of napkins and repeatedly pat her on the head for being so darn cute. Anyway, Tim tells her to “play, have fun,” and talks her down from ruining the reference by adding an unnecessary teal belt.

To Andy, he says “you look perplexed.” Gretchen then sagely interviews that Andy’s work is like student work. Shut. Up. Gretchen. Kristen, wearing a lady Spike hat, is making a dress that Ivy refers to as a jelly fish. But she makes Tim turn pink and cry from laughter as a result of some conversation that involves a lot of comments about "wooly balls" that get turned the wrong way, as comments about balls are wont to do. Commercial.

Back. And we’re still Tim thru-ing. Ivy is making a dress of cut up Mylar balloons. Christopher is concerned about his, but Tim says he has chills. Peach is trying to be subtle, but Tim accuses her of having “a piece of coal up your rear end. Make it into a diamond and pull it out.”

Michael C. is kind of defensive in explaining his dress, until he finds out that Tim loves it. And then Michael C. smiles in a way that makes him just bloom. It’s a weirdly touching moment. He likes Sarah’s “playful shapes” with her pink and teal palm fronds, and calls it “Schiaparelli-like.” Nice.

Tim congratulates Gretchen on her second win. She’s really smug and horrible about accepting his praise. He then has the foreshadowed conversation with Casanova about the dangerous use of tablecloths. Tim tells him he’s going to have a “make it work moment.”

Tim tells them their models will be in in a while with a little surprise. Michael C. gushes to Sarah about how great his critique was. Sarah worries about her direction. Then she does something utterly stupid – she takes Gretchen’s advice to abandon the pink (which is doubtless what made Tim think of Schiaparelli) and paint all the fronds teal. Doom. Doooooooom.

The models enter with gift bags. Andy’s reaction is priceless : “I don’t want it. Take it away.” Anyway, the surprise is that they have to make an accessory using the materials in the bag only. Commercial.

Back! Model fitting! Valerie’s dress is HOT, but she’s worried about the top fitting. Sarah is worried about her dress working. Ivy is worried about time, and stabs herself with a needle as they leave Parsons for the night.

Next day! Atlas! Mondo consults with his roommates about whether he should wear a paste on moustache or not. Ok, he’s TOTALLY a stuffed animal! Or Mr. Potato Head.

Gretchen thinks she’s going to be in the top 3 again. Peach and April talk about how there’s no way Gretchen will win three times in a row.

Parsons! Gretchen reminds them to make sure they have time to clean their work stations. Ok, Mom.

You know, I hate it when the editors are obviously working to make me hate someone and I fall for it. But in this case, it’s just so easy.

The models enter, and mostly talk about getting the accessories done. Tim tells them that they’re a fabulous looking room, and they’ll have 2 hours for the usual Product Placement Preparation marathon.

Peach thinks that her dress is in great shape, and that Andy’s look is genius, but unfinished. She and April pitch in to help him. Gretchen bitches about Andy’s lack of time management

Ten minutes! Ivy is freaking out. Sarah’s piece doesn’t fit. Time! Tim Gunn is extremely excited for all of them.

Commercial!

Back! Runway. Heidi “hallos,” them, and says that there are 14 of them and after tonight there will be 13. Oh, good – Heidi’s got her math skillz back.

Their judges are Michael (“hey guys”) Kors; Nina (“hello everyone”) Garcia, and . . .Betsey Johnson. Let’s start the show!


Christopher has made a chic little gold/beige dress with purple and green shot through it. Michael Drumond has made a costume for a tacky ice queen. Andy’s comes out and I kind of gasp – it’s a shiny, tightly woven, black lizard cocktail dress. Stunning. AJ has made the dress (at right)that Barbie from Barbie and the Rockers used to wear.


Ivy’s dress is a grey petal gown that’s poorly fit through the waist, but has amazing potential. Michael C.’s is an INSANE red flamenco dress (at left). It’s hot. Peach has made a really well fit dress with a white bodice and a cute little pink and zebra skirt. Gretchen has made a gold fringe skirt with an unfit grey tank and a boxy “leather” bolero jackt. Mondo’s dress has a pink bodice with a pink skirt. One of my friends says “I wanna hit it with a stick and see if candy falls out.”


Casanova has made a grey gown with a stole made of Plosh Poppies. Kristen’s is a green halter dress – it’s kind of posh in a ‘90’s J-Lo sort of way. April’s is a black and silver cocktail dress that looks like it’s covered in shards. We decide it’s “very Gaga.” Sarah’s is a bland teal and grey cocktail dress. And then we get Valerie’s stunning black and white halter dress (at right) with a spectacularly bare back and a plunging Laura Bennett-esque V down the sternum. No wonder I love this girl. She’s totally joining the group in my closet with the espiders.

Heidi calls Peach, Michael C, Ivy, Kristen, Michael D, Mondo, Christopher, and April. They’re safe. They retire to the green room, where Michael D predicts that the top three are Valerie, Gretchen, and Andy, and the bottom 3 are AJ, Sarah, and Casanova. Commercial.

Back. Heidi tells them straight out that the models will be eliminated if the designers are. What, no pick? This season is a mystery to me, but not in a fun way; just in an annoying way.

They start the critique with Valerie, whose dress is made of 600 napkins, and her accessory is a faux “Lucite” cuff. Kors tells her she’s done a “360 in styling” since the previous week. Um. . .Michael? A 360 is a full circle. That means her styling is the same as last week’s. I think you mean a 180. Anyway. Nina thinks it’s sophisticated, beautiful, and lovely, and Betsey Johnson loves that in that dress you could go to a party and function as a very chic napkin dispenser. Her actual statement is much longer and involves a reference to pot stickers, and it’s weird.

AJ’s inspiration was New York club kid, and his accessory is a necklace of cupcake wrappers. Heidi says the dress looks silly, but she likes the necklace. Nina tells him there’s nothing wrong with camp, but she looks like a hot mess. Kors tells us he doesn’t “know about the fringed crotch as a focal point.” Betsey Johnson loves it, though.

Andy’s dress is all from ribbons, and his accessory is a “leather” glove made from a balloon. Kors tells him it’s exciting, and that he could see Heidi and Rhianna fighting over it. Heidi says “I saw it first,” in what’s meant to be a menacing voice. Oh, please, Heidi. Rhianna would drop you in a hot second. Betsey Johnson thinks “it’s just too beautiful.”

Moving to Casanova, Kors tells him his dress looks like “a flamenco dancer at a funeral,” and that the workmanship is there but the taste level isn’t. Betsey Johnson loves the back, but Heidi tells him that as a whole, there’s too much going on.

Nina tells Sarah her dress “looks like a cut out dress” and it’s very simple. Heidi just calls it “sad.” Kors says it doesn’t look like a fully thought out idea, and Betsey Johnson says it’s “a mishmash” and “not funny.”

Finally, we get to Queen Gretchen. Nina thinks the outfit is fabulous, but that the proportion of the skirt is too long for the boot she’s styled with. Kors tells her she’s used herself “genuinely as a template.” Betsey Johnson says the “boots really confuse me,” but Heidi loves it. Of course she does. It’s shiny.

They send the designers off. In the greenroom, Gretchen and AJ have a bitch fight about whose turn it is to talk, and Gretchen says “your just being sensitive because your on the bottom.”

Alright. A) You’re a bitch. B) What are you, TWELVE? C) How long before someone actually hits her?

Deliberation. Kors thinks Casanova has no taste, but Heidi thinks he has a few good ideas. She thinks Sarah “did nothing.” Bestsey Johnson thinks AJ’s was made badly and didn’t work, and Kors says it looked like “a piñata exploded.”

On the plus side, Betsey Johnson thinks Valerie’s had “beautiful construction,” and Nina likes that she paid attention to her previous feedback. Andy’s was “beautifully made” according to Johnson and Nina says it’s “very well put together.” And Nina likes that Gretchen made several pieces and styled them the way Marie Claire would style it. Apparently Marie Claire styles things with incongruous boots that are the wrong proportion for skirts. Commercial.

Back. Heidi tells Valerie she’s in. Valerie returns to the greenroom and tells the others that once again, she’s “always the bridesmaid.”

Heidi tells Andy that someone wearing his dress “could walk into any cool event and turn heads.” Heidi talks about “cool events” the way your Nana talks about “rock music” – it’s like they’re something she’s convinced exist, but has no real concept of. She says that Gretchen “stepped up again and delivered.”


Andy wins! Yay! Gretchen gives him a death look that indicates she wants to stab him with her cheekbones and hugs him with her skeletal arms. He returns to the green room, and everyone cheers and claps because he beat Gretchen. Andy is ecstatic.

Back on the runway, Gretchen is in. AJ is in. Heidi tells Casanova that he’s been in the bottom before, and that he tried a lot and got derailed. To Sarah, she says merely that her dress was “sad and boring.” Ouch.

So ultimately, the judges had to choose “between boring and safe or the parade float.” And as always, they chose the parade float. Casanova is in. Sarah is out. She takes this fairly philosophically.


Backstage, Michael C. cries like nuts while saying goodbye to Sarah.

And then we get a very quick, very awkward cut to an ambulance pulling up outside Atlas. Ivy is passed out on the hall floor. She tells the EMTs that she’s just tired, but also says this has never happened before. So they cart her out to the ambulance on a stretcher, and go flashing away into the night. . .

Next time: Hats! Phillip Tracy! It’s like the Holy Grail, dude! Oh! No!