Project Runway: In Which Tim Gunn Will Tolerate None of Your Bitchassedness

AJ’s joyless dress
Is that what got him sent home?
No. It was Gretchen.

I’m just. . . .

I mean. . . .

So let’s start with this, folks: I knew the bare bones of what had gone on before watching the episode. And if you’re the only person on the interwebs who hasn’t yet read the hilarious “33 Faces of Gretchen” post, go and do that now.

But wow, boy, wow. That still did not adequately prepare me for the sheer unadulterated cray-cray of that episode.

I understand the impulse to try and talk your way out of a situation. I can even understand the impulse to lie your way out of a situation. And while I still think it’s unfathomably stupid for people to do so in situations where a camera is filming their every word, deed, and action, ten years of reality shows have taught us all that it is the opposite of uncommon.

What I don’t understand at all is the kind of immediate reverse Gretchen did in front of a living breathing panel of judges. “We all love and collaborated on this collection. We think it’s lovely, and we don’t understand why we lost. But I should point out that I knew this collection was horrible, and I spent all my time trying to style the looks to save the piece of shit clothes my fellow designers were making, because they are so utterly devoid of taste that they apparently missed the fact that they were making pants with three legs and shirts with the neck sewn together at the top…”

And while I usually admire loyalty, I do not admire or understand the sort of blind slavish devotion the team showed to Gretchen. Yes, she’s won twice, so yes, it could seem smart to listen to her ideas. Andy’s won too – where were his ideas? Michael’s won, and you all basically spent the entire episode telling him to shut up and throwing things at him.

So why do you let that control freak get in your heads and direct every single move you’ve made? And then lead you on a charge over the hill, dominating the conversation with talk of how bad the one guy who can’t possibly go home was, just so none of you will have the opportunity to mention that she did all the leading?
I don’t get it.

Anyway. If there’s one thing this episode did, it’s cement my eternal, unending love for Tim Gunn. Oh, Tim Gunn. You are wise and masterful, like the poet-warriors of old. But better groomed.

Oh, and yeah. AJ went home. And he was from St. Charles, so I was in favor of him on that point. But at the same time, he always seemed like kind of a wet blanket.
So. . .bye, AJ. See you at the reunion, if Lifetime does one.

Morning! Atlas Apartments! Alarms go off and people fret a little bit over Michael C. winning. Christopher says Michael C’s skills aren’t in line with the rest of them. Michael wishes the other designers were happier for him. In the bitchy popular girls apartment (Gretchen, Valerie, Ivy) they bitch about him winning and then talk about April got lucky in not getting kicked off for her diaper, while in the cool but slightly dorky girls apartment, April frets to Peach that no one “got” her diaper. “I got the diaper,” Peach assures her. They both feel like they have targets on their backs.

Runway! Heidi enters wearing a cheap looking dress and tells them that they’ll be working in 2 teams of 6. There’ll be no team leaders, but someone from the losing team will go home.

As winner, Michael C. gets to pick his first teammate. He picks Gretchen. April interviews that he is “such a dumbass for choosing Gretchen. Do you wanna hire Hitler? Seriously? She is gonna put her foot on everything that team does.”

Heidi draws April’s name out of the bag as first on the second team. Valerie frets that she doesn’t want to work with Michael C. or April. But she lucks out on the first go round, as April chooses Mondo. Gretchen chooses Christopher. Mondo chooses Michael D. Christopher chooses Andy. Andy feels like they’re looking like a really strong team.

Michael D. chooses Valerie. Andy chooses Ivy. Valerie chooses “the fantastico Casanova.” Casanova wants to prove to the other designers that he really deserves to be there. Ivy chooses A.J., which means Peach is with the other team by default. She hams up looking for the other people to choose from.

Peach tells us that the other team is “made of all of the self proclaimed superstars” who’ve won all the challenges so far, while her team is made up of the underdogs. Michael C. confirms this by telling us he feels really good about the talent on his team, while April says that the “superstar” team is going to turn into a “clusterfuck of egos.”

I kind of want to start a band and call it “Clusterfuck of Egos.”

Workroom! Tim is there with Peter Butler from Garnier. They’ll be designing a 6 piece collection for Fall 2010. They have to choose a concept and a textile from a board to define the core of their collection. I’m so happy that “50’s ladylike shapes” is apparently on the board for Fall– it’s a good look on me, and something I have enough of that I won’t have to do much shopping.

Garnier guy whines some shit about what kind of hair we’ll be having in fall. Apparently our hair will be just below the shoulders. Now I’m super glad that I started growing mine out in March. Between the hair and the ‘50’s silhouettes, I’m going to be so on trend this fall.

Tim tells them they have an hour to sketch, and a team budget of $1000. They’ll have until midnight tonight and very little time tomorrow.

The teams split up and start their planning, and we get a beautiful study in contrasts. Team Underdog decides to respect each other and listen. Cut to Team Superstar yelling frantically at each other. “They” “decide” on menswear because Gretchen tells them that’s what they should do. Team Underdog rationally discusses things and comes up with military after a vote. From the textiles board, the Superstars pick camel; the Underdogs pick lace.


Team Underdog is all designing their own looks, but they do a lot of talking and discussing and comparing how their looks play off each other so that the collection stays cohesive.

Team Superstar, with Gretchen as the obvious leader, decides to delegate pieces rather than having one person doing a separate look. Gretchen assures them that the other team is going to have “cuckoo drama” so they should be tailored. Everyone shoots all ideas generated by anyone but Gretchen. Naturally, everyone loves all of Gretchen’s ideas. Gretchen talks about how proud of them she is, and how she wants to wear “their” collection.

Team Underdog divides up the responsibilities for who will take care of things at Mood. Peach worries that they’re not really doing a collaboration, and that no one is taking on a leadership role. She thinks everyone in their group feels like they’re going to be in the bottom, and just wants to do a good solo look to guard their own asses rather than making a good collection. Commercial.

Back! Peach continues trying to wrangle the team. Valerie feels like Peach is snapping at her. Team Superstar names themselves Team Luxe because they want to do luxury fabrics. I will never refer to them by that name, as it is stupid, and ultimately untrue. Instead, I will call them “Team P-Whipped.”

Christopher tells Gretchen that he loves her ideas, and reflects that they’ve come to “decisions and agreements faster than I would’ve expected.” Yes, Christopher, it’s easy to come to an agreement when you all just defer and kowtow to one person.

Tim comes in and rounds them all up to go to Mood. Fabric flurry! Team Underdog helps each other carry bolts and sets off on their own assignments. Team P-Whipped runs frantically around trying to find Michael and talks about how they’ll kill him if he fucks it up. Time! Gretchen and AJ do a stupid dance about how they do what they want to.

Seriously, I could not hate her more.

Tim says Thank You Mood! to Mood, and “Bye, Swatch,” to Swatch the puppy. SWATCH!!!!!

I’m so glad he’s become a recurring character. Swatch the puppy is like the secret star of Project Runway. They could shitcan Heidi and the rest of them and just put Swatch and Tim Gunn in charge of the whole show. Swatch is clearly into a classical, tailored look with his black and white coloring, and you can tell by the expression on his face that he would not tolerate any bitchassedness from the designers.

Workroom! Team Underdog is starting to cut and drape to make sure everyone has enough fabric. Team P-Whipped eats and talks about dividing up responsibilities. Ivy is the only one making her entire look. Valerie interviews that “a little birdie” told them about how they’re divvying up the work, and she thinks it’s a recipe for disaster, “like when you’re vomiting and have diarrhea at the same time.” April randomly interviews that she doesn’t know if she trusts Valerie. It’s probably a good instinct, given Valerie’s normal status as Gretchen’s BFF/hench wench, but it seems a bit out of place.

Gretchen and Christopher talk about the need to keep A.J. on track. Gretchen feels like A.J.’s craftsmanship isn’t up to par. Casanova is trying to tame his instinct to drama and “steel be Casanova, but softener.”

Ivy whines about how Michael C. doesn’t know how to create a cowl. Ivy is a stone bitch. Christopher and Gretchen talk about the need to coddle Michael a little, and Gretchen whines that he’s a time suck who doesn’t know how to sew. Commercial.

Back! Tim returns with Garnier guy for the styling consultation. The teams have to pick two teams to consult with him. Team Underdog picks April and Ivy, who describe a French braids built up into a Mohawk look. Garnier guy suggests something softer.

Team P-Whipped sends Gretchen, of course, and Andy, who stands there silently while Gretchen spouts some generic nonsense about classic and modern without offering specifics. They then agree to go with the extremely tired ”Old Hollywood glam” idea Garnier guy suggests.

Tim thru! He’s going to talk to them as teams, beginning with Team Underdog. He warns about the risk of lace looking old. He’s crazy about the neckline on Mondo’s look. He and Valerie advise Peach to put the berry fabric under the lace rather than on top. He’s a bit excited by Valerie’s promise of zippers and chains, but warns April to clean up her seaming.

We cut to Michael C., who tells us the other team’s collection is like something out of a bordello, and that it’s “not lovely.”

Casanova interviews that he’s scared of Tim Gunn because he always says something bad. Tim says something bad: “your look is looking like the mother of these women [the other designers’ looks]. It needs to be youthened up.”

Casanova is frustrated. “Wans agayn, Casanova, you have may’ another seeyour ceeteezen garment.”

Tim moves to Team P-Whipped where they explain “their” process, and Gretchen says it’s “an authentic collaboration.” Gretchen tells him that they’re such a cohesive, unified, one-spirit team that she feels like she’s “in every one” of their looks “even if I’m not the one sewing.”

Gretchen should just flat out say "I am the puppet master, and I make all these lesser little spirits dance to my every whim. They are merely executing my designs, because while they are of mean intellect, they can still appreciate my greatness. Me, me, me. Look at my cheekbones."

We see some of the pieces, including Ivy’s grotesque Nancy Regan’s day off circa 1982 bloussant top, and April talks about how boring Team P-Whipped’s collection is.

Tim tells them they’re really ambitious in terms of the number of items. He warns them that by comparison to the other team, their collection “is looking very ho-hum.”

Casanova gets lost after the critique, and decides to take a break, or as Valerie calls it “a major, major, major diva moment.” She and Michael D. go to comfort him, which kind of takes the form of chastisement for awhile as Valerie tells him their team can’t win without him finishing. Then they become slightly more comforting and say nice things about his skills. Then Peach comes in and does a kind of motherly thing and tells him that he should rest for a bit. “An’ I’m eeven getting fat!” Casanova moans.

Valerie comes back and informs the team that Casanova wants to leave, and they may have to finish the dress for him. Commercial.

Back! The models enter for their fittings. Casanova’s model, Sarae looks around for Casanova, and goes to try and talk to him. Casanova is talking to his Tia Lucy on the phone in Spanish with subtitles, and some swearing. Between Sarae and Tia Lucy, they manage to bring him back to a place of relative sanity. Casanova says that Sarae is his angel.

A.J. has nothing ready for his model to try on. Michael hates the fit on his blouse. Christopher talks about how frustrating it is that Michael’s the weakest link, but he has immunity.

Over on Team Underdog, which we shall heretofore refer to as Team Functional, Casanova wonders if “mebbe I’m too ole’ fashion’ for this show. I just can work weeth slots an’ ole’ ladies.”

30 minutes! Gretchen talks about how she’s making pieces for every single look, and it’s feeling intense.

End of day. They all head out of the workroom, and then through the magic of television it’s the next morning and they’re waking up at Atlas. April feels like Team Functional is in a good place because they’re all creative, whereas the other team is “All Gretchen.”

Gretchen tells Ivy that she woke up at 4 a.m. and made a list of what they’d need to get done.

Workroom! Team P-Whipped has a meeting about Gretchen’s to do list. Team Functional calmly puts the finishing touches on their designs. Gretchen gives Michael C. orders about exactly what she needs in his design. Ivy runs around trying to help because she’s done. Valerie says ‘the other team, they are cray-cray.”

Henceforth, Team P-Whipped shall be known as Team Cray-Cray.

Tim enters and tells them that they have two hours for the Handlebar Moustache Man makeup room and the Garnier Guy hair salon. Some of the people on Team Cray-Cray assign their models to do some of the finishing work. Oh dear.


Ten minutes! Gretchen needs them to get some “Grandpa Sweaters” done. Valerie thinks their team “the Bad News Bears” is going to pull it out. Gretchen snides about how Team Cray-Cray’s collection is more cohesive than the other team.

Time! AJ says their project is more ambitious, so it doesn’t surprise them that they ARE the winning collection. Ivy says the other team doesn’t even stand a chance. On the other side, Michael D. gasps for air and laughs “they have a sweater called ‘the grandpa sweater!’”

I’m beginning to secretly love Michael D. I hope they give him some more screen time soon.

Commercial.

Back! Heidi tells them that blah blah blah six piece collection blah blah blah Kors (hey guys)blah blah blah Garcia (hi everyone) blah blah blah Georgina Chapman.

Team Functional’s runway show is first. We open with Mondo’s look, which is a fairly cray-cray halter top and shorts with mustard leggings. Next is Peach’s blue skirt with the berry colored top and the lace overlay (sidebar: as much as I love Peach, I didn't get everyone getting all effusive about the outfit. It's just. . .bleah). April has made some slick pants with a kicking vest with lace and patent panels. I dig the look.


Valerie’s off-white suit with a blue top and leggings is next. We see subtitles of someone on Team Cray-Cray whispering “this bears very little relationship to the last one. I think we’ve got it.”

Next is Casanova’s look, some awesome white pants and an alarmingly elegant black lace vest. Love it. Valerie interviews that she wants those pants. We finish with Michael D’s dress, which is black and gold lace with a ton of interesting details.

The models do a walk around and Gretchen helpfully tells us that she likes individual elements, but it doesn’t read as a true collection. Valerie, on the other hand, is proud of her team and thinks they did a great job.

Team Cray-Cray’s looks take the runway. First out is red jodhpur type pants with a shabby looking top. Second is some nice camel pants with a blouse and a cape sweater thing – it has a slight appeal in so much as it looks like a cheap knockoff of a Kate Hepburn look. Third is a mini skirt with a belted cream colored sweater and a red top. It looks very sloppy.

Number four is a straight up Cat’s-ASS-trophe. Grey shorts, a very eighties blouse, and a camel sweater. Fifth is grey pants, a too sheer top, and a camel coloured crop jacket. Finally, we have a whoreish looking red dress and another camel coloured jacket.


The Models of the House of Cray-Cray do a walkaround, and Christopher interviewed that they thoughtfully created the collection and worked as a team.

Heidi calls Mondo, Peach, Valerie, Casanova, Michael D. They are the winning team. Peach is ecstatic to see “kind of the misfit team come in and take over the giants.”

Heidi rubs salt in Team Cray-Cray’s wounds by telling them the obvious—they’re the losers, and one of them will be out. They’re sent off stage so the judges can talk to the smart kids first.

In the greenroom, Team Cray-Cray is shocked and can’t believe they lost.

Heidi congratulates the winners. Valerie explains the idea of balancing the collection between hard and soft and trying to stay cohesive while retaining theirown voices.

Backstage, Team Cray-Cray keeps talking about how much better they are than the people who just beat them, and Gretchen starts talking about how “it really doesn’t look like any one of us” so that no one will throw her under the bus for her obvious over the top leadership. Which. . .I don’t think they’re smart enough for that to have occurred to them, really.

Back on the runway, Kors tells them they achieved a good balance and women will want to wear these clothes. Nina thinks they’re very versatile and they worked on accessorizing and styling. They all love the hair. Heidi asks “who is responsible for white pants and lace top.” They all point to Casanova.

The judges gush over Casanova’s outfit. Kors tells Peach that the edging on her outfit is great.

Gretchen tells them that they have to make a decision about “going out there and saying a name” or saying they were all in it together. They all slit their wrists and kill a cow and a virgin and make a pact in blood not to throw “anybody”—by which they mean Gretchen – under the bus.

The judges ask Team Functional who should win, and everyone apparently says Casanova, except Casanova, who says Peach.

Team Functional goes back to an empty green room, and Team Cray-Cray comes out to the runway. Commercial.

Back! Gretchen starts talking about how it was a true collaboration that would enable everybody’s strengths to come out and support other’s weaknesses. . .and then she starts choking up and saying there wasn’t a weak link and they worked really hard.. . .and the judges should really think about that.

I love it. She’s trying to tell the judges how to do their jobs. Because she is Gretchen. She can bend the will of multitudes, so how could the judges not listen to her?

Ivy tells them that hearing they lost “it’s like having a baby and someone saying it’s ugly.” And she cries. Oh Ivy. Some babies are ugly. More people should acknowledge this fact.

Heidi reminds them that Michael has immunity. Gretchen asks them to be mindful of who they want to see more from, and that that’s the fairest way for them to choose.

The judges remind her that that is NOT the way the competition works – one of the guiding rules is that they don’t judge on past performance.


Kors tells them it’s nice that they’re a team, but they should sack up and grow some balls because their collaboration is vanilla and boring. Georgina agrees that there’s no spirit or individuality.

Nina points out that every single outfit has a proportion problem, that there’s no sex appeal in the outfits, and the colors are ghastly. Michael says that for a team calling themselves Luxe, there’s no lushness in the clothes at all.

Heidi points at the horrible Nancy Reagan goes to a Ren Faire outfit on the end and says “To meeee, this look is ze worst. Who made this?” Ivy admits that she did. Kors hates the “Golden Girl vest,” and Nina laments the “granny shorts.”

Heidi then asks about the “shiny” “air-hostess” shirt. A.J. admits he did. Kors says there’s no scale or volume.

Gretchen said that “very late in the game” they realized “that grandma had arrived,” and Kors reminds her that that’s not what she said when they came out. Gretchen takes responsibility for the styling and says she was trying to style “a crappy collection” to try and save it.

The judges call her out again on lying and trying to cover her ass. They ask who had the hardest time, and she says Michael did. They ask which ugly piece Michael made, and he shows them the blouse. Georgina Chapman says the blouse is perfect. HAA.

Suck that, Gretchen.

Gretchen says again that Michael’s technical skills are the weakest and she “had to work with him so much that I had no time to focus on what makes me strong.” So she was making all her decisions at the last minute.

“It’s amazing that your tune has changed,” Heidi points out.

“I feel like we all just tried our hardest, and we don’t know who to pick because no one was on their game. . .there’s not like a ‘you were the worst on your game’ it’s like ‘everybody sucks.’”

“It’s true,” Ivy whispers. I don’t know if Ivy realizes she’s just admitted that she sucks, or if she’s so used to agreeing with every word that falls out of Gretchen’s mouth that she’s powerless to resist.

Heidi asks Ivy who’s the weakest designer. Ivy says they all spent time helping Michael. Heidi reminds her that Michael has immunity. She won’t name anyone else. Christopher does the same—throwing Michael under the bus and not naming anyone else. AJ says that his own weakness was not bringing his sense of fun to the challenge, but yeah, Michael sucks. Andy agrees with his team members about Michael’s suckiness.

Heidi points out that it’s easy to blame the guy with immunity, who has actually done good work. Gretchen explodes “I feel like you’re asking for a martyr” (no, dumbass, they’re asking you for someone else’s name, not a gesture of self-sacrifice). “I don’t want to leave just because I say ‘pick me because I guess I’ve failed too.’” Then she keeps babbling about how Michael is their weakest link.

Ivy snaps that she doesn’t know if Michael’s flaws are “laziness or just ignorance.” WOW. Bitch.

The judges tell them that if they won’t give them a name, they need to know who made what. So they all go through and show them what they made, piece by piece. It’s a little exhausting. Ivy did the entire horrible shorts outfit, but AJ just made the shirt dress.

Heidi sends them away. In the green room, Gretchen glares and refuses to talk about it. AJ says people were honest about how they felt “and people got their feelings hurt.”

Gretchen reiterates that Michael has no talent and they all had to spend all their time helping him. Michael doesn’t feel the same way, but tells them that if everyone else thinks so, he won’t disagree.


The judges talk about the winning team, and how individually they’ve been in the bottom a lot, but together there show was fun, interesting, cohesive, and modern. Heidi is excited for Casanova and how he turned it around. Nina says that Peach surprised them by entering modern times.

On the other hand, the losing team should’ve come up with something amazing, but came up with nothing attractive or interesting.

Kors says that “Gretchen had too much to say” and Nina talks about how she changed her tune. They laugh about the attempts to throw Michael C. under the bus.

They all think Ivy’s look was hideous. AJ “gave up his design aesthetic” and made the fewest pieces. Heidi points out that Gretchen was obviously the team leader with “the whip in her hand” and made everyone else “afraid to open their mouths.”
Commercial!

Back! Heidi says that the winner is. . .Casanova! Everyone claps. Michael D. and Valerie hug him.


Casanova says “I wasn’t esspecting to ween the challenge, but when Heidi say that, she made my night.”

Team Functional goes back to the green room. They congratulate him and he says “well, ees not abou’ me, ees abou’ all together.” Awww. Now I kind of like him.

Back on the runway. Michael is in because he has immunity. He goes back to the greenroom feeling sad about how everyone on his team went after him.

Christopher is in. Ivy is in, despite having made an entire awful outfit. Andy is in.

So it’s down to Gretchen and AJ. AJ looks resigned to his fate almost to the point where you think he might throw himself on his sword for Gretchen.

Heidi tells them that Gretchen did a lot of backpedalling. They can tell she made a lot of the decisions, all of which were unfortunate. However, AJ only made a crappy shirtdress.

So Gretchen, of course, is in. And AJ is out.

Gretchen goes back to the greenroom and pretends she takes responsibility for the things the judges called her out for. Gretchen doesn’t know the meaning of the word responsibility unless it’s in the context of deflecting it or avoiding it.

AJ wishes he’d gone for something that was his point of view instead of something that didn’t have a trace of him in it.

And then the beautiful thing happens. The thing so beautiful that I watched it three times.

Tim enters and sternly tells him to sit. “I have a few words for Team Luxe. I fundamentally do not understand your behavior and demeanor and affect on the runway. I don’t get it. I don’t know why you allowed GRETCHEN to manipulate, control, and bully you. I don’t understand it. And AJ, you’ve taken the bullet, and now I have to send you to the workroom to clean up your space.”

The way he says GRETCHEN is so filled with vitriol that it’s delicious. The looks on everyone’s faces are delicious. The reactions are amazing.

Ivy interviews “whoa. . .Tim is kind of right in what he says, and I don’t think Tim just says things just to say, and I think it made all of us have an aha moment.”

Gretchen tells the camera “I’m not a manipulative person, and it really really hurt my feelings to have Tim say that to me (voice break) because I just wanted to help. . .”she talks about how AJ said he wanted to make a shirtdress, and could’ve made a more fun shirt dress. April interviews that it’s Gretchen’s fault that AJ is going home.

AJ tells us it’s been an amazing experience and will make him a better designer in the future.

Next time! New models! Shitting my pants! Way too much! It’s like a great big oversized bra! I have a little surpise for you! And then my DVR stopped.