Project Runway: Mad Hatters

Kristen. Vagina.
O’Keefe rolls in her cold grave.
Honor the flower.

I’m not going to miss Kristen’s work, which looked really sloppily constructed and not terribly imaginative throughout the competition. I am, however, going to miss her ability to crack Tim Gunn up about wooly balls.

And that’s all I have to say about Kristen.

I’m trying to think of my usual preliminaries, and it’s just not cranking this morning – I’m running a little behind despite having woken up almost an hour early, and that’s one factor, but the other is that except for the glorious hat porn, this episode left me a little “meh.”

In its favor, I will say that it seemed to crank along a lot faster than the previous episodes have – I didn’t hit the 70 minute mark and go “oh my god, why is this not over yet?” the way I have before. And there was glorious, glorious, hat porn.

I love hats. It’s one of the great pains of my life that I really can’t wear them, because I have a ginormous man sized head, and they don’t make ladies’ hats to accommodate that. But I can look, and I got a lot of pleasure from looking at Philip Treacy’s hats in this episode.

On the down side, though, not a lot seemed to happen – there was a lot of shit talking, and the win had a lot of the same “wha?” headscratcher quality for me that it seemed to for the other designers. But overall, it just seemed. . .meh. That was reinforced this morning when I was grabbing pictures and looked at the outfits – there was a lot of competently executed work, but nothing that really jumped out as being exciting or innovative or new.

So that said, let’s get down to business.

Instead of our usual “Morning! Atlas apartments!” beginning, we start off right where we left off – Ivy has fainted in the hallway and everyone is worried. Some blurred out paramedics cart her away in the ambulance.

Gretchen and Valerie sit around the apartment eating carrots and worrying about her. Valerie thinks she’s just not taking care of herself.

At 3:20 a.m., Ivy returns, and tells the cameras she was just dehydrated. She was embarrassed by the experience, and has been inspired by the hospital room.

Parsons! Runway! Heidi enters and reminds them that Andy has immunity because he won the last challenge. Heidi is very excited about this challenge –she calls out the models and they all enter wearing awesome hats.

Sidebar: I’ve decided I want a sun hat with just a stupid big brim. Like I want this hat to extend far enough around me that it keeps strangers from getting too near. However “hat with stupid big brim” is not yielding a lot of results. Any suggestions on where I could pick one up? And remember, it has to fit my already hugeous (7 ½) dome. If you know a place that sells drag queen sun hats, that’s probably where I need to go.

Heidi then introduces milliner Philip Treacy, and tells them that he’s designed hats for Sara Jessica Parker and Lady Gaga. (He also designed the fascinator Camilla wore at her wedding to Prince Charles, and has an OBE, but I guess we’re not meant to care about that, being Americans and all). Anyway, their challenge is to create a look inspired by a Philip Treacy hat.

The designers wig out about how this is like the holy grail of designing. Treacy tells them to think about volume and proportion that will work. And he quips that matching “is old hat.”

Instead of picking models, the designers will pick the hats they want, and work with the models who are wearing them. They all seem to stay with their previous models, even Peach who sticks with hers despite her horrible attitude. Anyway, the draw concludes with Kristen, who’s not thrilled by what she’s left with because the hat is “in your face.”

By “in your face,” Kristen means that the hat is actually a giant flowering O’Keefe vagina perched on the model’s head.

In the workroom, Tim tells them that they’ll have until 11 that night to work. They have 15 minutes for sketching, and then it’s off to Mood where they have a $150 budget.

Sketching. April’s hat makes her think “future island,” so she’s working on resort wear to go with it. Andy sees his hat on a member of the royal family. Valerie’s hat is more of a mask, and since she’s a big David Bowie fan she starts thinking about Labyrinth.

Oh my god, LOVE HER. I can’t even tell you how many times a day something makes me start thinking about Labyrinth.

Kristen has a hard time being inspired by her giant flowering vagina hat. I don’t much blame her.

MOOD! Fabric flurry! Mondo thinks all the fabrics have voices. Ivy is working on a contrast between solid and mesh that’s inspired by her time in the hospital. Time! Thank you MOOD!

Workroom. Casanova is thinking about quitting because he can’t hear any more negative feedback. He feels that he needs to “cho my taste” to the judges. You know, I’ll just say it now: I ain’t much on Casanova.

Valerie has forgotten to get something – I think a zipper – Ivy steps in to help her. Kristen worries that her hat is too literal, and she’s not a literal designer. And by “literal”, she means “vagina.” Commercial!

Back! Valerie is still fretting about something – she asks if anyone has a black knit. Ivy is determined not to pass out again. We see her eating something that looks to be Chinese food. I will say that this episode dragged way less than the previous ones, but I still feel like the extra time is largely being used to show us what Craft Services fed the designers on a given day.

Kristen seems to be feeling more positive, telling us that she’s now thinking about softness and romance, since she wore orchids in her hair at her wedding. Then she talks about how her hat is very suggestive “look at it, it’s a big vagina.”

“SEE!” I yell, because I’ve been saying “vagina, vagina, vagina” every time that hat came on screen since the show started, and the gays have been mocking me for it. It’s nice to have someone else validate it when you’re seeing big vaginas everywhere.

Anyway, there’s a cute exchange where she talks about being turned on by her hat to a bunch of the boys, and then asks who wouldn’t be slightly turned on by a giant vagina. And then she realizes that she’s talking to a bunch of male contestants on Project Runway, and that straight Jason – who I now realize was wearing a stubby penis on his head the whole time – has mercifully left the building.

Back in the workroom, Michael C. hopes he gets a chance to talk to his son since it’s Fathers’ Day. Wow, they are really tightening up on the time between shooting and airing after that year long hiatus nearly killed them, huh? Ivy thinks he doesn’t have a real vision for his dress yet, and Michael admits that he’s trying to convince himself that he loves his dress when he doesn’t.

Tim thru! He starts with Valerie, who is wearing her measuring tape as a headband. He questions why she has zippers on her dress if they don’t have any purpose, and advises some editing. Valerie thinks that she needs to stay true to herself.

He moves on to April. Valerie is confused by April’s outfit because she doesn’t think that the runway is the place for booty shorts. Tim seems to agree with Valerie, telling April that the “cut and color of the shorts says diaper.” April insists that she’d wear them if her butt was smaller.

Michael Drummond is trying to mimic the opening of his hat with the opening of his dress. Tim warns him that “you don’t want to play it safe and you don’t want it to be a kooky costume.” Ok, that’s the most generic Tim Gunn advice ever – they should just print that on a t-shirt and pass it out to contestants at the beginning of the competition, because it’s the one piece of advice that applies to every contestant in every challenge of every season. Except for the times when they’re explicitly TOLD to make kooky costumes.

Tim warns Kristen that her dress looks fussy. We then get our first dose of Gretchen wisdom for the episode as she tells us she doesn’t like Kristen’s work because she thinks it’s sloppy and not thoughtful. It’s hard to fault her on this as she is, in fact, right and all, but still. Shut up, Gretchen.

Peach is making a short pencil skirt, but she assures Tim it won’t be so short that
it’ll “show the good china.” HAH. What a salty dame. I wish we could see more of her personality and less of her increasingly sad pink designs. Christopher is using this amazing grey and black print that Tim and I both love.


Casanova feels awesome about his design until Tim asks him “haven’t we all seen this dress a hundred times before?” and calls it “Donna Karan 1988.”

Casanova says he can’t keep making mistakes. “I’m not like the cat weeth seven lives.” At first I think this is a hilarious mistake, but in retrospect I think he’s very cognizant of the fact that he’s been in the bottom twice. Anyway, then there’s another typically hilarious Casanova and Tim conversation where everything gets lost in translation, including “and” “but” and “the.”

Michael C’s is not going as he hoped; there’s puckering going on. Tim tells him he’s right to be concerned. Commercial!


Back! Tim bids them goodnight, and leaves them. Michael C. restarts his dress and isn’t feeling confident. Michael D says he’s right to be worried, quipping that there are “many ways to skin a cat, but you should probably bring a knife.”

Gretchen tells us that April’s work is studenty and costumey. Once again, being right doesn’t make her less obnoxious. Michael C. gets to speak to his son Giovanni. They seem to be talking about fishing, which is not what I would’ve put money on beforehand if anyone had laughed.

Three hours left. Michael C. wants to go with his gut feeling, but still know when to stop. Kristen thinks Michael C’s taste level is questionable. They have a model fitting, and then all head home, where they trash talk each other. Gretchen thinks Casanova has no idea what’s modern or fresh. Some of the other boys are confused by Michael D’s cardboard looking dress. Gretchen thinks Peach, Kristen, and April will be in the bottom. Peach is nervous. Commercial.

Back! Atlas, the next morning. Andy knows that he can’t go home, but he’s still afraid to mess up. Michael C. is afraid for April. Kristen thinks she and her flowery vagina hat will be in the top 2, but she wants to at least get some feedback on her work. This is a clear case of the need to be careful what you wish for.

Casanova wanders around with a face mask on. Michael D. asks if he’s going as the Hulk that day, and clarifies the question with “why you have all the green on your face?” once it’s clear that there’s no word for “Hulk” in Casanova’s language. “Ay, because too oily,” Casanova says sadly.

Parsons! Fashion flurry! Ivy knows she can execute beautifully and quickly. Tim enters and tells them they have 2 hours for all the product placement jazz. The models enter. My notes say “MD is going to make an air G skirt.” I think this means that Michael Drummond is running up a new skirt for his model at this point? Anyway, he’s drawn a beard on her face in his hat picture, so she looks more like him.

The designers take their models to the hair salon and the Handlebar Moustache Man makeup studio, where Mondo tells Handlebar that he wants a small moustache painted on his model. Handlebar takes the poor girl by the elbow and says “have a seat over here, handsome.”

Casanova doesn’t think Michael C. will be in the top because “every girl een Puerto Rico have that een her closet.” Christopher is feeling very confident. Peach’s dress is looking too small in the waist.

Philip Treacy comes in to set the hats on the models, and whispers “why on earth have you got a moustache?” to Mondo’s poor model. She has no answer for him.

Christopher thinks his model looks like a chic pirate. Chic pirate is now my official new fashion goal in life. Time! Commercial!

Back! Heidi walks out on the runway with an upside down rose fascinator on her head, and greets them as “Kiss from a Rose” plays in the background. A) Suddenly I’m a freshman in college again; B) I’ve never understood that song – is it “a kiss from a rose on the grave” or “on the grey,” and why is either one a good thing to compare a woman to? C) it must be nice to have a TV show you can use your husband’s 15 year old song in and get him a royalty payment.

Heidi tells them that there are 13 of them now, and tomorrow there will be 12, and she introduces the judges – Michael Kors (hey guys), Nina Garcia (hi everyone), and Philip Treacy (hi.). Philip Treacy looks unamused by the proceedings. I kind of want to make a captioned picture of him – Philip Treacy is not impressed with your bitchassedness.

Showtime! Michael C has made a bronze frippery goddess thing. Gretchen’s outfit is a beige and black tunic with grey leggings –combined with her woodsman-y hat, it looks like a ladies’ Robin Hood costume for Halloween, the one that would say “Sexy Robin Hood.” (you know – the way women’s costumes are all either “thing” or “sexy thing.” Witch or Sexy Witch. Nun or Sexy Nun. Gretchen’s outfit could be bagged and sold as Sexy Robin Hood) Kristen’s is a black and fuschia hodge podge that looks like I could’ve made it with my handi-stitch. And, of course, a giant flowery vagina hat.

Michael Drummond’s is an Asian inspired looking beige top with a red skirt under his fortune cookie hat. Val has made a cute little fuschia dress with a white leatherette bolero vest. AJ has made a polka dot dress for the bad girl on a nineties soap, which I personally love. Continuing the soap opera theme, Andy has made a fuschia satin coat-suit for Joan Collins to wear when she’s angry, and Ivy has made a beige suit for Joan Collins to wear to a wedding.

Why is it so many of them saw hats and immediately went all Dynasty and shit?

April has made a black tank top and a diaper. She enthuses “it really looks like she’s going to this futuristic resort” . . .yeah, if she’s going there to poo. Christopher’s look is way too heavy and harsh – the gorgeous coat we saw earlier is paired with grey satin leggings and boots that just pull it down.

Peach has made a pink and white upholstery looking peplumed mess. Casanova has made a very ordinary black Jersey dress. Snore. Everything from him is either dowager or space hooker. Mondo has made insane polka dot pants and a purple ‘90’s vest. And, of course one wears a small moustache with this, ladies.

Heidi calls April, Michael D., Christopher, Michael C., Valerie, and Kristen.

Everyone else is safe, and they all head back to the green room to talk shit. Gretchen thinks Valerie is in the bottom. Wrong, Sour Grapes – sorry you can’t deal with the fact that the person you’ve dismissed as your sidekick is finally (FINALLY) outshining you the way she's deserved to all along.

Commercial.

Back! They start the Q&A with Michael D., who tells them that he was inspired by the hat’s architecture, and that it made him think of warriors and farmers “and I don’t mean that in a bad way.” Philip Treacy tells him he did a great job and really looked at the shape of the hat. Heidi thinks the skirt is “really cool” which she says in a Dieter inflection. Nina likes the open back.

Michael Kors tells Kristen that “an orchid is this incredibly beautiful and sexy flower” (vagina) and that he sees no correlation with the dress, and that the dress itself is unharmonious. Nina says it looks like she didn’t have a plan and calls the dress “matchy-matchy.”

Christopher says he tried to avoid hard angles in the outfit because of all the points in the hat. Heidi didn’t respond well to the look – she found it too dark and thought it seemed sad. Kors says it loses the “idea” of the hat because it has no romance, and Philip Treacy doesn’t see the connection to the look of the hat.

On the plus side, Christopher seems to really get the critique. It’s a refreshing change from Casanova, who may as well have a big “Que?” thought balloon over his head every time he’s on the runway.

Kors then starts on Michael C’s dress, saying “this is what harmony looks like,” and telling him the back looks effortless. Nina thinks the color of the hat and the color of the dress are perfect. Philip Treacy thinks he was clever to use the iridescence of the hat as a coloring.

Moving on to April, Kors tells her that she picks the right category with resort wear, but that it’s very literal and the model looks like she’s prepared for a 3 day weekend by layering 3 pairs of underwear into a “triple panty.” Nina thinks she sold the hat short, and Philip Treacy calls it weak.

Finally, we get to Val. Heidi thinks the look is beautiful and calls it one of her favorites. Kors liked that what looks to be a “Stevie Nicks hem” is actually very neat. Nina calls it mischievous and coquettish, and Philip Treacy says it’s beautiful but he doesn’t understand where it’s coming from.

The designers head back to the greenroom where everyone talks about what the judges liked and what they didn’t. April cries.

Deliberation. Starting with the bad, Michael says Christopher’s had no sense of fragility. Nina thinks it looked dated, stiff, and overly designed, and that he made his model less beautiful. Philip Treacy recognizes that the top would be good if it had been paired with something more ethereal.

Moving on to Kristen, Heidi says the hat is happy and the dress is not. Nina thinks Kristen doesn’t have the talent for the aesthetic she’s attempting*. Michael is still hung up on April’s “triple panty problem” and Nina says that something’s just not working.

On the good end of things, Nina calls Michael C’s “effortless,” and Philip Treacy agrees. Kors likes that he managed to pull the look together without matching.

Philip Treacy damns Val’s look with faint praise saying there’s “nothing offensive about it,” but it’s not the most stylish. Heidi says the bolero gave it a pop of happiness. Finally, Nina loved the top of Michael D’s, and thought the look was simple but complicated. Heidi likes the way he played with volumes and textures, and Philip Treacy calls him “obviously talented.” Commercial.

Back. Valerie is in. So the Michaels are the top two. Michael C. had the perfect silhouette and material. Michael D’s was gorgeous, sophisticated, sharp, and architectural. And the winner is. . .Michael C. He cries, naturally. He will have immunity next week.

He goes back to the greenroom where he gets a very thin congratulations. In an interview, Ivy blurts out “what the fuck? Oh my god, I said it.” Gretchen seethes that Michael C “is a replicator, he’s not a visionary.” And Ivy can’t believe that Michael win and she and Gretchen weren’t even in the top. “Seriously? Seriously?”

Ok, I kind of likd Ivy, and I kind of liked her beige Joan Collins look, but did she see that dour thing Gretchen sent out? Seriously, Ivy? Seriously?

Back on the runway, Michael D. is in. Christopher is also in. Everyone claps because they’re relieved to see him – they all thought he should’ve been in the top. “And you’re such a handsome boy,” Ivy says.

Now to the bottom two. Kristen had one of the most fantastic hats and her dress was disappointing, not joyful, and unflattering. April made three panties and her look was unflattering. And Kristen is out.

April heads back to the greenroom, where Peach and AJ hug the crap out of her. Casanova says “you and I?” April replies “bottom 2, two times.” He picks up “ we cannot.. .” and she shakes her head ‘we cannot, Alejandro. No more.” It makes no sense, but it's hilarious and adorable.

Kristen is relieved to get back to the real world. She congratulates Michael C, and Tim bids her adieu.

Back at Atlas, April is shocked that Michael won. Valerie thinks that it looked like a mess. Michael Drummond calls it “two handkerchiefs wrapped in a piece of cord and rouched around.

Next time! Teams! Egos! Butting heads! I’m fucking tired!

*I think. It looks like NG – talent tor her asst hectic, but I’d had some wine by that point in the program.