Project Runway"This show is not abut fashion design; it's about public torture of designers on television."

Jason and his hat
Are gone; as is Nicholas.
Twofer one, bitches.

Hello, hello! I am returned from my vacanze, from which I seem to have brought home no souvenirs except three pounds gained from eating a whole lot of deliciousness .

Anyway, since I don’t like to leave things undone or partly done or whatever, I thought I’d sit down and run up a quick petite recap of last week’s Project Runway, mostly for my own sense of completeness and record keeping and whatnot.

Caveats, though – I read Tom & Lorenzo like Tea Party members pretend they read the Constitution, so I was “spoiled” about everything, which made everything feel profoundly anticlimactic. And seeing a breakdown of many of the outfits before I saw the episode. . .let’s just say their opinions on the outfits may’ve infected me a little.

So let’s just say: I’m glad that Jason and his stupid hat and his safety pins are gone. I’m pretty much indifferent to Nicholas being gone. Gretchen . . .I like her cheekbones, but her attitude and her designs leave me a little cold. I will just never be pro-jumpsuit, no matter who designs it, who wears it, what it looks like. . .when a jumpsuit pays me for looking at it, that is a jumpsuit I will get behind.

Anyway. Onward and upward.

Morning! New York! They all wake up in Atlas for the first time. Sarah tells us she is “literally dead” which should make for an interesting program, but she’s also clued into the fact that “this show is not about fashion design; it’s about public torture of designers on television.”

Dingdingdingdingding! We have a winner! Someone finally saw the man (or mad Teutonic wench) behind the curtain. And it only took. . . .eight seasons?

Some of the girls are shocked that Mckell has left. April says Peach is like her surrogate mom. One of the guys has a makeup airbrush kit. Jesus. Poor Mondo isn’t clicking with his roommates.


They go to the roof, because tthere's something in the Project Runway bylaws that says hey must go to a roof at least once a season. Heidi congratulates them on being officially on the show. Heidi introduces Joanna Coles of “Mary Clare” magazine, the most consistently sane multi-appearance judge in Project Runway history (post-Bravo era). She tells them their challenge is to create a look that defines the Marie Claire Woman, and the winner gets their look featured on a billboard in Times Square. Everyone does the excited thing about how “huge” and “awesome” the prize would be, and then Christopher makes himself my instant favorite by saying “it’s just so operatic, I can’t stand it.”

I love an original piece of hyperbole. And it’s so rare in reality TV.

Tim tells them they have a day for the challenge, and he leads them off to the workroom at Parsons where they have 30 minutes to sketch.

Sketch flurry. AJ is mysteriously dressed as Thurston Howell III, which I fully support because he’s from St. Charles, MO, and we’ve got to stick together. Mondo makes a very organized list of everything he’ll need instead of sketching. Jason is still auditioning for that mysterious Clockwork Orange remake, which is the only excuse I can think of for someone finding derby hats intimidating.


MOOD! They have $150 and 30 minutes. Fabric flurry. Casanova bonks Peach in the head with a bolt. of fabric. I feel confident that this is what causes her to make poor fabric choices. Thank you, MOOD!

Workroom. They have until midnight tonight and should plan on using the morning for tweaking. There are problems with sewing machines, and Kristen mouths off about how she doesn’t even remember the last time she broke a needle. Valerie talks a lot and looks alarmingly like Rachel Dratch, which I’m probably not the first person to notice. AJ doesn’t plan on patterning or sewing for Casanova, who tries not to take “Ay-Yay’s” attitude personally. That’s smart. Good boy, Casanova. Don’t let someone wandering around in a yachting cap determine your sense of self worth. Commercial.

Back. Tim thru! He responds positively to Valerie’s sketch. He tells Mondo that he was really impressed with his work in the last challenge. Jason explains his infinity/season eight/bullshit dress, and Valerie interviews that his hat makes him mysterious but he’s not much of a designer. Jason thinks things are stacked against him because he’s a straight man in a gay man’s world.

All I can say to that is: Bitch, please.

Ok, I can also say: cry me a fucking river, Hatface McNutsack. I am soooooooooooo sowwy that youw an eensy weensy bit out of youw ewement in a two month competition that you VOLUNTARILY SIGNED UP FOR. That's totally equivalent to being born into and having to live an entire life as a gay man in a society primarily designed by and for straight white dudes like you.

And also: go fuck yourself.

Gretchen is making her first solo pair of pants. April thinks Gretchen isn’t creative. Tim is baffled by Casanova’s matronly looking design. Casanova acts like he doesn’t know what Tim’s talking about, but Nicholas blows up his spot by interviewing that Casanova speaks perfect English. Gretchen thinks Nicholas is ripping her off by making a cut out back. Because Gretchen apparently invented the cut out back when she put one on that ‘90’s choir dress she made last week.

Tim calls Michael’s outfit “Blanche Deveraux,” which is beautiful. Peach starts over based on Tim’s feedback.

Fashion Flurry! Peach makes a bubble skirt and hates it, so she throws it away and starts again. Tim reenters and reminds them how big the reward is, and tells them there’s another element to the challenge. Commercial.

Back. The extra element is that tomorrow morning, they’ll each have a photo shoot with a Marie Claire photographer to capture the image they believe best represents their look and the Marie Claire woman. The image will be considered when scoring their designs.

Models! Gretchen tells Casanova not to use a giant belt on his jacket. He asks her for advice repeatedly, which she says could be “annoying if he wasn’t so charming.”

Peach tells her model they’re probably going home this week. Nicholas doesn’t know why Mondo is so quiet and focused while the rest of them are happy and chatty.

Back at Atlas ,Valerie says that Gretchen, Ivy, and Sarah are the best roommates. AJ thinks Jason is “aloof” and “shady.” Peach hopes that they’ll take mercy on the old lady. Mondo is really lonely and can’t connect with anybody. He says his thoughts are starting to eat him up and feels like nobody loves him for who he is, and he feels like his talent is a curse.

Yawn. Commercial.

Back. Next morning. Ivy worries that her look isn’t editorial enough. Mondo vows to start the day with a clean slate.

Parsons. Tim sends in their models with 2 hours to send them through the usual product placement rigamarole. Valerie gives Mondo some styling advice that he doesn’t follow because his best work happens when it comes from his heart.

The models go through the handlebar moustache man’s makeup studio and the generic stylists in the same outfit hair salon. Peach worries that her dress looks like “Barbie’s sofa.” It’s an unfortunately apt comparison. Jason isn’t finished so he starts pinning his model into it. Michael C. says Jason’s “kind of creepy” and he expects him to come up behind him and stab him with scissors.

Then they have the photo shoot. Not much happens except some more character building and Jason talking about how the judges are going to have to “look past these little closures” aka the safety pins holding his piece of nonsense together. Commercial.


Back. Runway! Heidi reminds them that “there are sixteen of you here, and after tonight there will be fifteen. . .or less.” Also, there’ll be no immunity for this challenge. The judges are exactly who you’d expect – Kors, Garcia, and Joanna Coles.
Let’s start the show.

Nicholas has put his model in a grey skirt that comes to a point that says “here is my vadge!” plus a purple cloak and a purple blouse. Christopher’s is a basic black skirt and a charcoal top with interesting peplum detail. Jason’s model is in a silver napkin held together with safety pins. He says “it was impeccable the way it was sewn.

Please pause for a moment while I laugh hilariously.

Michael C has made a coppery disco dress. AJ’s is a bright yellow dress with belt that creates an unfortunate pregnancy poodge – she looks like a hooker who’s five months gone. Peach has made a Barbie dress with weird neck detail. Michael D has made what could be a delicious mod-era Valley of the Dolls like dress, but it’s very short. He voice overs “it should be in a rap video.”

Ivy has made a snore of a grey dress with slight yellow detail. Valerie’s is a superfun little red dress. I Love it. Sarah has put together a grey skirt with an interesting purple top with little pops of coral. Fairly cute. Andy’s is a fun purple top with adjustable sleeves paired with some woeful grey palazzo pants with an unnecessary purple stripe.


Casanova has made a surprisingly elegant Ivory skirt with a neat pouf sleeved iridescent navy jacket/top. Kristin has made a shreddy looking beige skirt, pink blah top, and some kind of coral scarf that’s in danger of eating the model’s face. Gretchen has made a blue jumpsuit with ridiculous ankle bows. It’s extremely well made for a jumpsuit. It’s still a jumpsuit. Mondo has made a neat ploufy houndstooth skirt with a black tank with some frippery and footless tights with a houndstooth detail. Adorbs. We finish up with April, who has made a brown dress with a kind of Romulan top in purple.

Heidi calls: Mondo, Peach, Nicholas, Jason, Valerie, and Gretchen. Everyone else is safe. AJ hyperventilates because he’s so relieved that his pregnant hooker dress passed inspection. Poor Thurston. Everyone in the back seems to think that Valerie will win, but there’s dissent about who will go home. Commercial.

Then we get some critique. Kors calls Peach’s look an “Amish cocktail dress.” Nina thinks Valerie’s is “sexy yet conservative, which is hard to do.”

Jason tries to spin his safety pins as intentional; Joanna Coles calls him out for his poor photo choice that shows the giant hole in the middle.

They then cream themselves over Gretchen’s jumpsuit.

God, this show is so long when you’re sober.

Coles calls Nicholas’s outfit “utterly unsexy.” It sounds really cool with her accent.

Nina thinks Mondo’s has “great spirit.”

OH MY GOD, I forgot that this show is now an hour and a half long. Jason talks to the other designers about how the judges didn’t get his design and how his model isn’t a runway model.

Deliberation, where the judges say the same things they already said, but with slightly different words. Commercial.


Back. Mondo is in. He feels validated. Gretchen is the winner. She feels “grateful” and “prideful.” Valerie is in. She feels a little defeated to have gotten so close and just missed it.

Peach is in – everyone seems relieved to see her. Jason is out. He refuses to even wait for Tim to come and usher him back to clean out his workspace. Nicholas is also out. He’s totally tearful. Everyone hugs him.


Next time – which is like, tomorrow, which is weird – there are ambulances and shit. It’ll be wild, I’m sure.