Top Chef: Buy Me Some Fritters and Tuna Tartar. . .

Amanda goes home
For grey tuna. At ball game
Stick with crackerjack

In a season of damnably predictable episodes (with the exception of the “OMG shocking ‘cuz he’s TEH BESTEREST and we know that because HE TELLS US SO” offing of Kenny), this one was the damnably predictable. .er…est…

Oh, titballs, people. I just can’t get het up about it. I liked Amanda – partly because of her position as enemy-of-Kelly (the enemy of Kelly is my friend), partly because it’s in my vast contrarian nature to always like the person the rest of the world picks to shit on (except you, Danielle Staub. You’re just awful) and shit on the person the rest of the world picks to like – but she was clearly getting through for awhile on the mercies of the “someone sucked worse” rule we discussed last season in re: the dreadful Robin.

And I really have some sand in my drawers about this week’s episode, but it’s not because of Amanda. It’s partly because this episode should’ve been like a gift from merciful Jebus straight to me – a Top Chef episode set at my own local baseball park? Yes, please.

But plopped into the middle of this season, and populated by the dazzling display of mediocre talents we have arrayed before us, it was just like one hour long sad trombone “wah-wah”. There’s nothing more disappointing than an inferior iteration of something you should love beyond reason.

And it’s partly because the entire episode was sheer anti-fucking-climax for me, because moments before it started, this danced sexily across my twitter feed:

So the minute you read that, you knew that someone was going to have undercooked or poorly prepared something, probably fish or chicken. And then the second Amanda agreed to do fish after Kelly bitchily demanded she yield crab, you knew who it was going to be. And if you didn’t catch on at that point, she decided to serve it tartar.

Thanks a heap, Eric Ripert. Thanks a big fucking heap. (call me!)

And then there’s. . .the other thing.

You know how I’ve been saying there were episodes where you’d see me get a little cheezed? You know how I said that this episode especially was going to make me super bitter? You want to know why?

Ok people. Here it goes:

I WAS AT THAT GAME. I was at that very game. And I knew from the Top Chef watching pages and the Top Chef watching twitters that the Top Chefs had been spied at the stadium that day.

Did I see them? Did I get to taste any of their delicious food, or see Tom and Padma, or. . .ANYTHING?

No. Of course not. And you know why? Because that’s the way my life goes. Because God likes to tease me, the way he teased Moses in the desert.

(And also because I’d gotten a discount on seats in a box, and spent most of the game craning my neck toward the luxury boxes where I assumed they’d be while ignoring the third baseline concessions stands where they actually had been before the game).

But I digress. . .Let’s just get this on with so I can go and see the Cardinals/Nationals game tonight, where there will be no Top Chefs and no specialty concessions, but where I will get to see Carpenter pitch.

Suck that, universe. I’ll take Carp and Pujols over an oversalted crabcake BLT or some tuna tartar in a paper bowl any day.

Oh, and last thing, and don’t say you never saw this coming: the good news is, Bravo had a rate-the-plate gallery up this morning. The bad news is that it looks like this:



Bravo interns? To quote Mel Gibson, I am going to come and burn your fucking house down, but you will blow me first.

Morning! Top Chef DC Townhouse. Everyone is yelling for Ed to wake up, and once he does they all laugh hysterically because he’s wearing Tiffany’s yellow cotton dress with his “nasty chest hairs” coming out over the v-neck. Oh, good times. Tiffany jokes that everyone wants to be her, and Amanda asks if he has her panties on too. Kelly gives yet another interview about how she wants Amanda to go home. Oh, go name something after yourself, hagbiscuit.

And then Angelo talks about the creepy chef altar he had as a child. No, I’m not fucking kidding. Verbatim quote time:

“When I was young, I used to cut out pictures of all famous four star chefs. I’d have a room, I’d light candles, and every single day I’d go and pray before them.”

Hide. Your. Children.

Now, I will fully admit that I have pictures of some of my chefetish crushes tacked to the leopard print bulletin board above my desk. What can I say, handsome men in white coats inspire me. I like to look at them while I’m writing blogs, or e-mailing my mom, or facebook stalking my ex boyfriends, or playing endless rounds of Solipskier (which is the best game ever, by the way). But I don’t light candles and pray to them.


That’s a totally different thing. Shut up.

Amanda gives a slightly hilarious interview making fun of Angelo and all his Anthony Robbins mantras. This is why I love her, no matter what the rest of you say. She’s the only one of these assholes who seems to be enjoying herself.

Hinckley Hilton Kitchen. Padma introduces Rick Moonen, Top Chef Masters two time loser and king of the briny deep. Tiffany interviews that as a “seafood guy,” Moonen is close to her heart.


Time for the quickfire! Padma reminds them that only 6 of them remain to fight it out for the title of “Top Chef. Top Dog. Top Banana. The Big Cheese.” They all look puzzled. Padma explains that their quickfire is to cook a dish based on a food idiom. NICE. I like this challenge idea – I wish they did more of this kind of inspiration/wordplay stuff and less “make a recipe – wait, now it’s soup!”

Kelly shows that she has no sense of humor again by deciding to steer away from the risqué ones like “Hide the salami.” Dear Kelly: you are 33 years old. I know you’re married, but trust me, you’re too young and too cute (yes, I said it) to be that much of a prude. It’s an idiom, for god’s sake. You’re not actually going to be working with a penis.

Padma tells them that the winner’s dish included in Top Chef Schwan’s home delivery dinner line.

Kevin gets to choose first and he selects “bring home the bacon”. Ah, a man after my own heart, even if I do think he’s a whiny piggy boy. Amanda takes “big cheese”. In a perfect move, sour faced Kelly chooses “sour grapes”. Ed takes “hot potato”. Tiffany grabs “spill the beans,” and Angelo selects “bigger fish to fry.”

I’m very sad that no one actually took “hide the salami.” Stupid Kelly ruins everything.

One hour to cook. Food flurry. Amanda is going for mac and cheese, and thinks it would be a good choice for a frozen dinner. Ed talks about how annoying and sloppy Amanda is. Angelo talks about how people talk trash about Amanda, but she’s a dark horse and has snuck by everyone.

Tiffany is working with canned beans and trying to develop flavor in them. Kelly talks about how organized she is and how all the other chefs seem disorganized. Shut up, Kelly.

Kevin thinks there’s too much going on with Angelo’s fish. Kevin himself is making bacon 3 ways. Amanda says Ed looks like he’s about to die because he’s making gnocchi in an hour.


Time! Tasting! They begin with Ed’s “Hot Potato” which is Herb and Roasted Garlic Gnocchi with Spring Vegetables and Mushroom Fricassee. Tiffany has “spilled the beans” with Pan Seared Cod on Stewed Beans with Swiss Chard, Carrots, and Bacon. And speaking of bacon, Kevin has “brought home the bacon” with Bacon 3 Ways: Bacon Puree, Bacon Chopped, and Bacon Froth with Poached Egg. NOM.

Angelo reflects that there’s no way you could freeze Kevin’s dish, so it’s a poor choice for this challenge.

Moving on, Kelly has sour grapes. That’s just her perpetual state of being. She’s also interpreted “sour grapes” as Pan Roasted Chicken Breast, Caramelized Brussels Sprouts Leaves and Red Grape Sauce. Angelo has “bigger fish to fry,” but for now he’s made Chile Crusted Tilapia Satay with Asian Tartar Sauce, Sambal and Shitake. And Amanda is “the big cheese” with her Mac & Cheese with Bacon and Jalapenos and a Pork Chop Side.

YUM. Ok, that sounds like my kind of thing, but at the same time, at 1905 on Sunday I ordered the breakfast fry -- two eggs, two slices of bacon, white boudin sausage, a center cut sugar cured pork loin, fried apples, and white cheddar grits – and still got an order of potato hash to go with.

What I’m saying here is: I’m not a girl who shies away from a generous plate of food.

Padma asks Moonen for his “bad eggs”. He tells us that his least favorite is Kelly’s (HAH) because the sprouts and puree were odd. Amanda’s was like a “sledgehammer to the gut.” She says this the first time she’s disagreed with the judges, and is throwing herself a pity party in her head.

On the other hand, the dishes that were Moonen’s “cup of tea” were Kevin’s, which was really delicious, and Ed’s which was well conceived and well thought out.

And the winner is. . .Ed! Angelo says Ed’s face would look amazing on a package because he looks like a potato. Oh, that’s mean. But I don’t disagree. Commercial!

Back! Elimination challenge! Padma tells them that they’ll be cooking for one of the oldest sports institutions in the country – BASEBALL!

YAYYYYY!!!!!

They’ll serve high end concession stand food at Nationals Park during their pregame, working as one team to make at least 6 dishes.

Everyone’s face falls. Amanda reminds them that team challenges haven’t worked well in the past, and we’re treated to a revisiting of all of them yelling at each other prior to the farm challenge. We need to see this because it’s utterly different from the way they’ve yelled at each other in subsequent weeks of this shittastic program.


They have 15 minutes to plan. Tiffany complains that Kelly talks a lot. “I’m thinkin’ to myself ooooooh buddy because Kelly’s trying to take control.” Amanda is thinking crab, and then Kelly says “I’m thinking crab cake. Can you do some sort of fish instead of shell fish?” Amanda reluctantly agrees. Oh, Doooooom Amanda. Dooooooooom. This is where I started to say goodbye to you.

Whole Foods! They have 30 minutes to shop and a budget of $2000. Ed tells us that he’s a Red Sox fan (which probably means that he was a nice guy until 6 years ago, but now he’s an entitled douchebag) so he wants to make something fried. Angelo is going to make a dim sum inspired pork bun dish. . .with hot dog buns. Amanda wants to make a statement, so she’s making tuna tartar. And we wave to her a little bit harder as her shadowy figure presses toward the horizon. Kevin is making a chicken skewer.

Kitchen! 3 hours to prep. Angelo realizes his pork needs a minimum of 2.5 hours to braise. Tiffany’s dish is inspired by an Italian sausage sandwich at the state fair in Beaumont.

Amanda is tartaring her tuna tonight so that she doesn’t have a temperature sensitive prep tomorrow. She asks Angelo for advice, which everyone else thinks is stupid. “Come back, Amanda! Come back!” we all cry. But Amanda is too far gone. Amanda cannot hear us. Amanda’s ears are plugged with tuna tartar, and she doesn’t realize she’s marching onward, ever onward, toward the edge of a precipice.

9 minutes 37 seconds. Ed is making shrimp and corn poppers, and is struggling to make 550 of them. Ed is rushing around like a maniac. Angelo calls him the Tasmanian devil. Also mean, but apt. Time!

They all head out of the kitchen. Back at the townhouse Amanda talks about how someone’s going to have to take orders from the customers. This doesn’t seem to have occurred to any of them until now. Assmasters. Kelly says she can’t serve because she has to cook her crab cakes in batches. Angelo agrees to be the one to do it.

Kevin says “now it’s his problem.” Kevin doesn’t seem like a charitable or good natured person, but it’s hard to hold that against him when none of the others do either. Commercial.

Back! The chefs arrive at Nationals Park where I will be in a mere twelveish hours, watching Carp pitch. Yay! Kevin talks about how he doesn’t trust Angelo taking the orders. They have an hour to prep and cook. Kelly talks about the need to organize and be efficient since there’s so little space.

Food flurry! Angelo wants to talk about things since he’s finally realized he can’t plate and take orders. He sorts out a way to work things, and Kevin shouts that there’s no way that’s going to work. Angelo asks him to chill out, and Kevin replies that he doesn’t have to chill. Kevin has valid points about how he shouldn’t have put himself out to take the role if he didn’t realize what it was going to entail. They eventually sort things out so that Ed will handle Angelo’s dish. Angelo’s not thrilled to have to trust his dish to Ed.

Tom arrives with Adam Dunn (yay!), Matt Capps (yay!) and John Lannan (yay!). I’m so glad they picked dudes I like. They roam around the back of the kitchen. Amanda interviews that they’re the largest men she’s ever seen.

Kelly is concerned that her bacon is too salty. Amanda’s tuna is looking grey and starting to oxidize. Oh, Amanda. You’re like the dumbest burro on the Grand Canyon trail ride, aren’t you? You can’t see the cliffs, and you can’t even tell who’s another donkey that you should be following and who’s a bobcat trying to lure you off the path and eat you. Angelo talks about how he could’ve helped her, but he’s helping himself. As a point of contrast, Tiffany gives Kevin an honest critique of his dish because ‘nobody is going home because of me.”

Time! Crowds arrive! People start ordering rapid fire. Everyone is ordering meatballs and crabcakes. Everything else is getting ignored. Kelly pats herself on the back for picking an appropriate concept. Ulch, shut up, Kelly. The players arrive again and order one of each dish. They seem to like the tuna, crab cakes, and skewers, but the meatball is Adam Dunn’s favorite. He doesn’t care for Ed’s risotto balls, dropping one on the ground and comparing it to “chewed caterpillars.”

You can mock me for this all you want, but I love Adam Dunn. I have a soft spot for big dumb lunks, especially if they play first base and smack ridiculous homers. I’m still a huge McGwire fan too.

The judges arrive – Padma is wearing a Nationals jersey that looks entirely out of place on her – and order the girls’ dishes. So they’re eating Kelly’s Open Faced Crab Cake BLT with Sweet Potato Fries; Tiffany’s Italian Meatball Sub with Fennel, Basil Pesto, and Mozzarella, and Amanda’s Yellowfin Tuna Tartar with Fennel, Meyer Lemon and Fava Bean Puree. Amanda is understandably worried about serving grey tuna to Eric Ripert and Rick Moonen, but hopes they’ll judge on taste.

Tasting Amanda’s dish, Moonen says it takes “some baseballs” to serve raw fish at a baseball stadium, but Ripert is not impressed by the color. Tom says she did a good job with the vegetables.

Moonen thinks Kelly’s dish has good flavor, but Padma finds it salty. Ripert finds Tiffany’s sub difficult to eat, but Moonen loves it.


Back in the kitchen, they seem to have found a better rhythm. Angelo and Ed are joking with each other and the customers. Angelo says that everyone’s energy is good except Kevin’s.

The judges come back for the men’s round of food. They start with Angelo’s Sweet Glazed Pork on Lobster Roll with Sweet Sesame Pickles. Kevin is serving Chicken Kebab with Romesco Sauce, Shoestring Fries and Smoked Paprika Aioli. And Ed has made Shrimp and Corn Risotto Fritters with Jalapeno Aioli.

Moonen loves the fritter. Tom says the corn is nice and sweet.

Kevin frets that he’s not getting a lot of orders for his chicken skewer. Ripert says the chicken is good, but the fries are soggy.

OH MY GOD, they show a dude I know downing Angelo’s sandwich. Universe, why do you hate me? Life is so freaking unfair. Anyway, Ripert thinks it has too much bread. Moonen says it has a nice heat, but no finish.

They interview a bunch of random people about what they liked. Tom thinks they did a nice job working together. They go and fetch the chefs. Commercial.

Fakeback! Townhouse. Angelo is talking to his Russian fiancée and mentions how they’ve only seen each other a couple of times, but talk 5 or 6 hours a night.

Creepy. Creepy Creepy Creepy. Seriously, he gets creepier every time he speaks.

Really back! At the game! We see Adam Dunn hitting a homer (WHICH I SAW) and then we cut to the stew room, where everyone’s talking about whether they feel sick. Padma calls back all of them.

Judges’ Table. They start by asking about the division of labor. Angelo explains how he ended up taking the lead. Tiffany tries to step in and tell her version of how things happened. Kevin interjects something. It’s very confusing to me, and I’d feel bad about that, but Tom looks befuddled too. Anyway.

They start for real with the chefs they enjoyed the most. Moonen tells Ed he did a terrific job. Ripert liked the spicy sauce, and Tom said it was a tidy dish. Tiffany’s wasn’t tidy, but it was also delicious. He really liked the cumin in the meatball.

And the winner is . . .Ed! He’s stoked about winning because he was doubting himself the day before. He wins a copy of Rick Moonen’s book. ..wah wah…oh, and a trip to Australia! Nice.


Tiffany and Ed get to leave. They joke around about announcing Ed’s win to the empty room. Cute.

Now we get to hear about the less successful dishes: Tom liked that Amanda tried to do something different, but Ripert calls her out for the oxidized fish. Tom asks the competitors if they would’ve done tartar the same day. Kevin says he wouldn’t have done tartar.

Moonen thinks Kevin started off with a great idea, but it didn’t come across. Ripert had skewer issues and found the fries soggy. Moonen thought that Kelly treated the crab with respect, and liked the flavor but found the sandwich soft. Ripert thought the crab was good, but the bacon was a “beeg fatteee slab ohf bacon.” Moonen thought the bread sucked the life out of Angelo’s pork. Padma also says it was too sugary.

They send them back. Deliberation. Moonen says there was too much going on on Kevin’s plate. Ripert brings up the long skewer again. Amanda shouldn’t have cut her tuna the day before, and Ripert was “oh-fain-ded by zee colair of zee product.” Angelo didn’t fix the problems of his dish, and his bread, according to Ripert “eez like a spohnj, an’ eet drank all zee jus right away an’ eet became like a soft –ball.” Tom liked Kelly’s crab, but the BLT part was a problem. Moonen thought it was like a bait-and-switch because they didn’t really get a BLT. Commercial.

Back. Tom tells them that they made “a few errors” and recaps the problems with the food they made. And to the surprise of no one, Amanda is asked to pack her knives and go. She thanks them for the opportunity and hugs Kevin and Angelo. Kelly smirks. Shut up, Kelly. Amanda is glad to have been the only sous chef to have made it this far.

In the stew room, she hugs Kelly, Tiffany, and Ed. She says she’ll always remember this experience, and it drives her to push herself harder than she has before.

Next: NASA. Make a dish that’s out of this world. Buzz Aldrin (who will apparently appear on any reality show for food). Make it or break it. It’s anybody’s game. We have a problem.