Top Chef DC: Embassies, Ethernopians, and Little Nightmares

Adeus, Stephen.
Brazilians speak Portuguese
But you wouldn’t know.

Let’s get a little bit of business (or biiiiidness, if you prefer) out of the way first, gherkins. You’re going to notice a change in our regular broadcast schedule over the next few days, and maybe weeks. This is in part because I’m currently in vacanze until next Wednesday, and I don’t much feel like spending my vacanze, particularly the first day of it, frantically taking notes on Project Runway and then rushing them up before 8 in the morning. I don’t much feel like getting out of bed before 8 in the morning, frankly. That is the whole point of the vacanze.

But the reason that the schedule change up is going to last longer than my vacanze is because last Sunday morning, my laptop decided to drink an entire cup of coffee. With skim milk in it. And then it kind of just. . .stopped.

And yes, this was a day after we’d finally gotten our internet situation worked out. And after the week in which my work computer had to be debugged by our tech folks. It’s like I can’t touch a computer without it turning to shit lately.

So now it’s on an extended stay with the Geek Squad to see if it’s dead or in a coma. And until then, I’m working on my previous laptop, which is fine in terms of producing documents and the whatnot, but its internet connectivity. . .to describe it as fitful would be an act of charity. For some reason, I can use google and blogger, but getting it to let me answer an e-mail is like negotiating with an ex you’re not on good terms with.

Laptop: You want my help? You said I was old and slow and riddled with viruses.
Jordan: Yeah, baby, but that don’t mean we can’t just chill every once in a while.

So I may be able to get them up from home sometimes, and others I might have to put on a disk and load sneakily when I get to work. Or from my vacanze.

I really like saying vacanze, by the way.

Final order of business: You all have OPINIONS about Peapureegate:

That might be the biggest response I’ve ever gotten on one of these sumbitches, and ain't none of it good if your name is Alex. Not a one of you -- not a living one of you -- thought he was entirely innocent of pea related shennanigans. That's what you call making an impression, I guess.

Anyway, I realized yesterday morning that The Palm is very near my podiatrist’s office, so I almost charged in first thing in the morning to deface his caricature as you all would want me to. . .but I’d just gotten a shot in my foot and couldn’t have run quickly enough to get away, and I don’t want a criminal record, so I didn’t.

So let’s get to the episode. Be warned: I will be making at least one Starvin’ Marvin joke about Ethernopian food during this recap. I don’t know how I resisted the entire time Marcus was on Top Chef: Masters.

So Stephen’s gone home, and I want to feel kind of bad about that because I liked him when I could remember which one he was. It seemed like he was pretty out of his depth with the cooking, but he always had a good sense of humor.

On the other hand, I’m so relieved that I don’t have to struggle to tell him and Ed apart anymore. I know it’s utterly racist, but I just can’t tell one roundish pasty white guy with indeterminate mousey coloured hair from the other. They all look the same to me.

(we can talk about my fear and loathing of monochromatic people at some point if you like. They’re the only thing I hate more than birds)

Morning! Top Chef DC Townhouse! Kelly says it’s hard that Andrea’s gone home, and tells us that making her saltlick steak has put a fire under her to step it up. Alex continues to lie and say he had “no idea” Ed had a pea puree, despite the fact that we all saw the footage of him hearing that Ed had a pea puree. Don’t lie about shit like that on reality TV, people. Ed is perplexed, but determined to step it up. Tiffany thinks about how it’s weird that she was planning her wedding before coming, and now she’s so focused on the competition.


They head out to the Hinckley Hilton where Padma and Marcus Samuelsson greet them.

Padma tells them that DC is one of the most diverse cities in the country, and has cuisies from all over the world, but Ethiopian cuisine dominates the food here. This is true – it was way more true when I moved here 9 (ack) years ago, but it’s still true. A family friend has a theory that anywhere there’s a world crisis with a lot of people fleeing, there’ll be great restaurants from that region in DC 20 years later. So in the ‘80’s there was great Vietnamese and Cambodian food; now there’s great Ethiopian food; soon we should be getting the food of the Croats, the Bosnian Serbs, and the Kosovars, right? What do Kosovars eat anyway? I hope it’s tasty.

Anyway, for the quickfire, they’re making their own dish inspired by Ethiopian food.

Marcus gives them a few tips about Ethiopian food. The main one is not to let Sally Struthers horde food from you.

(Told you. And now we’re done)

Padma tells them the winner of this challenge will have immunity. Tiffany wants to win because she’s never won a quickfire.

Ethernopian food flurry! Amanda goes right for the leg of goat. Alex goes right for the Beef and lamb tongue. He snags a piece of equipment right from under Kelly’s nose. Kevin says watching Alex cook is like watching someone throw darts at a wall in the hopes that something sticks. He thinks Alex is the weakest one right now. Angelo worked for an Ethiopian concept restaurant before.


One hour. Kenny says he, Ed, and Angelo are the ones with background in Ethiopian food. Kelly, on the other hand, has never eaten it. Amanda doesn’t know what the spices are or what the etiquette is for eating them. Tiffany chuckles about how there aren’t “many” Ethiopian restaurants in Texas.

Time! Kevin has made Braised Chicken with Chickpeas, Cucumber-Mint Salad and Yogurt. Marcus definitely feels the heat in the dish. Stephen’s is a Stew with Lamb Meatballs and Yogurt Sauce. Alex serves Beef and Lamb Tongue Stew with Cabbage and Potatoes. Padma tells him sadly “it’s not very spicy at all.”

Kelly has prepared a Leg of Lamb Wat with Cauliflower Yogurt and Mint Puree. Marcus tells her the “heat comes through.” Amanda presents her Stewed Goat on Grilled Injera Sauced with Braising Liquid. Marcus calls it a “Modern stew.” Kenny’s dish is A Duo of Lamb: Meatloaf and Ribeye with Curry and Dukkah Spice. Marcus compliments his deep flavors. Then he moves to Angelo's Berebere Spiced Dora Wat Chicken with Egg, Mango, Yogurt, and Mint on Steamed Injera. Marcus asks if he’s sure he’s not Ethiopian

Rounding out the rest of the group, Ed has made Stewed Lamb and Beef Tripe with Cauliflower, Chickpeas and Braised Greens. Marcus says it’s not well balanced. They finish with Tiffany’s Beef Goulash with Poached Egg, Currants, Red Peppers and Yogurt. Marcus says it stands out even though it was the last thing he ate.

Padma asks Marcus which dishes were his least favorites. He says Kevin’s dish wasn’t bold enough. Stephen’s dish was interesting, but his meatballs weren’t juicy. Alex made a bold choice with tongue, but this stew was dry.

His favorites list starts with Amanda (SUCK IT, Kelly), whose flavor combinations were fantastic. Angelo’s doro wat was terrific. Tiffany’s dish had hearty flavors.

And the winner is. . .Tiffany! Yay!! She’s happy to win her first quickfire and immunity! Ed is thrilled that she beat Angelo.


Commercial!

Back! Elimination Challenge! Padma and Marcus roll in a giant chalkboard with a map of the world with 9 countries on it. Amanda wants France because she’s spent her whole career training in French cooking.

Padma tells them each of them will choose a dish inspired by a country on the map. Kenny bragadociously informs us there’s no cuisine on the map he wouldn’t be comfortable cooking. They’ll each make 100 portions of their dish to serve to diplomats, ambassadors, and dignitaries at the Meridian Center. Once again, they are so close to me that it blows my mind that I wasn't tripping over chefs like I trip over the cracks in our poorly maintained sidewalks. And. . .they won’t have use of the kitchen there. They’ll ONLY have sternos to heat their food.

They draw knives to determine the order they’ll pick in. Tiffany draws one – it’s totally her day. Then they pick countries. Tiffany takes Mexico; Kelly’s is Italy; Amanda gets her longed for France; Kenny grabs Thailand; Alex takes Spain; Angelo continues his Asian influence kick by picking Japan; Kevin decides to go all out and chooses India; Ed takes China; and Stephen is left with Brazil.

Whole Foods! 30 minutes and $200. Kenny buys ribs and pouts about why he’s ended up in the middle again. He’s apparently been through more than anyone else there, having had cancer and four surgeries in addition to the whole dead wife thing. Oh, cry me a river. Yes, it’s sad that you’ve had cancer and surgery and a dead wife and horrible taste in velour loungewear, but none of that has anything to do with your cooking – now shut the fuck up and show us what you’ve got without whining.

Stephen doesn’t know much about Brazil except that he’s been to a Brazilian Steakhouse. Kevin doesn’t know anything about Indian cuisine, and he’s making chicken curry. He’s nervous that the ambassador from India would taste his food. You know who should be nervous about the ambassador from India? Bravo should be nervous about the ambassador from India, after the shit its two newest shiny reality famewhores pulled last fall.

Back to the Hinckley! Two hours to prep and cook. Kelly is making a cold dish since she won’t be able to cook at the Meridian Center, so she’s making a carpaccio. Ed says he’s familiar with Chinese culture and food because he’s had some Chinese girlfriends in the past. So many of Ed’s stories involve girls he used to bang -- I have problems buying that Ed gets as much tail as he says he does.

Kenny wonders how Stephen’s going to manage to make his Brazilian dish hot in a chafing dish. Tiffany is making chicken tamales with a radish pico de gallo. Angelo is making sashimi, and Amanda is making Beef Bourgignon because she thinks it can shine when done properly.

Alex is doing a three part dish for Spain. He trips over the grate in the kitchen as Ed voiceovers that Alex is a spaz with no technique.


Tom thru! He starts with Alex, who pushes his glasses up his nose, and talks about how he couldn’t get veal cheeks, so he’s done veal shanks. Tiffany tells him she’s kind of deconstructing her tamales. Kevin agrees with Tom that Padma will probably be extra tough on him because she’s Indian.

Commercial

Back! Food flurry part deux. Kenny talks about his tamarind spare ribs, which sound pretty damn good. Ed is concerned about not being able to finish. 5:37. Alex asks if anyone has room in their hot box . Hee. Hot Box. Time. They pack up and head for the townhouse.

Kevin gets on the phone and talks to his wife and kid. Oh doom, Kevin, doooooooooooooooom. If I’m ever on a reality show, I’m telling them I’m an orphaned, celibate, only child with no friends just so they can never make me call my loved ones.

Kelly gets a care package from her husband including a bunch of stuffed animals and some Jack Daniels. Ok, stuffed animals at 33 (and I say this as someone who’s her age exactly) is a bit twee, but they’re also probably a great way to cushion the bottle of Jack, so ups on that one, Kelly’s husband. She shares the booze with some of the guys and they toast Rick, her husband.

The next morning they arrive at Meridian House with 30 minutes to set up. Amanda worries that her beef is really dry, so she cuts it into smaller pieces. I don’t understand how this is a fix—is the idea that they won’t notice the dryness in a piece that needs less chewing? Alex tries one of his tortas, and he’s hungry so he has a second. Stephen’s rice is overcooked. Tiffany is chopping the veggies for her salsa. Guests start to arrive.

Kevin makes a point to tell the diners he’s not familiar with Indian food and is making “stewed chicken with the flavors of India” rather than Indian chicken curry.

Padma introduces Jose Andres-- he of MiniBar, Jaleo, and about 60,000 other restaurants where they serve your food on very small plates -- to the chefs. He’s the guest judge; Marcus is also there to taste. They start with Ed’s Tea Smoked Duck Breast with Pot Stickers in Szechuan Jus. Then they move to Alex, who serves them his Cordobesa Braised Veal Cheeks (except I thought they were shanks…), Jamon Torta with Olive Tomato Salad. Stephen has made Flank Steak in Chimichuri Sauce with Black Beans and Rice. Kelly’s Italian dish is Beef Carpaccio with Spring Vegetable Salad, Truffled Vinaigrette and Parmigiano-Reggiano. Kevin’s Indian inspired dish is Curried Chicken with Leek and Parsnip Puree, Lentils and Cucumber Mango Salad.

The judges head to a corner to taste. Gail likes that Kelly simplified her dish based on the location. Jose Andres says cold dishes are difficult. Giuseppe Manzo (hm, I wonder if he’s related to the New Jersey Manzos?) of the embassy of Italy thinks “today’s carpaccio represented Italy better than I do?” (I know that’s not a question, but he does that adorable upward ending inflection that Italians sometimes do when they speak English, and I wanted to represent that).

Moving to Ed’s Chinese dish, Padma says there’s a lot of flavor in Ed’s dish, but Jose Andres doesn’t think that it represents China well. Zhiang Tibin of the Chinese Embassy, though, thinks it’s very authentic.

Andres likes the aroma of Kevin’s dish, and Padma likes the lentils. Padma likes Stephen’s coffee marinade on the beef, but Tom is pissed that the rice isn’t cooked properly. Marcus doesn’t see Brazil in it. Then Mats Wiborn from the Embassy of Sweden says he’d think it was a good buy if he got it in a food stand for five bucks. Dude, you’re from SWEDEN. Why are you talking smack about Brazilian food? Shouldn’t you be off at IKEA judging the lingonberry jam and bacon pancakes?

Andres thinks Alex’s torta doesn’t work and Marcus thinks it needs more punch. They move to the second group of chefs.

Amanda greets them with a bonjour and her Beef Bourgignon with Pomme Fourchette and Horseradish Mousse. She interviews that she wants to crawl under the table and cry because she feels like she hasn’t represented France as she would’ve liked. They also get Angelo’s Sashimi of Tuna with Candied Wasabi and Soy Infusion (ok, candied wasabi sounds AWESOME), and Tiffany’s Chicken Tamales with Queso Fresco and Tomatillo Sauce. Kenny has made Tamarind Braised Pork with Rice Noodle Salad and Thai Green Curry.

Gail thinks Amanda’s beef needs… beef, and wonders why it’s cut so small. Andres thinks if she’d served the beef on the side, she’d have a perfect dish (I don’t really get that, but ok). Some French woman says the flavors are strong, but the beef was dry.

Andres loves the color on Angelo’s tuna. Tom thinks it’s a nice dish, but he’s covered up the flavors of the fish. However, Wolfgang Renezeder thinks it’s exactly the way it would’ve been presented in one of the best restaurants in Japan.

Wolfgang Renezeder, if you hadn’t guessed, is not Japanese.

Andres thinks everything about Tiffany’s dish says Mexico and Quincy Parker of the embassy of the Bahamas thinks her tamales are amazing. I’m sure they’re better than the tamales in the Bahamas, but please explain to me why they couldn’t find A MEXICAN to deliver that opinion.

Although. . .that could speak to my big problem with DC – that all of the Mexican restaurants are owned by Salvadorans, and don’t really serve Mexican food. Maybe there really aren’t any Mexicans in DC, and I should be glad that Bravo had the sense not to slap a suit on a Salvadoran and try to pass him off.

Anyway. Finally, Padma likes the flavors in Kenny’s dish a lot, and Gail thinks it has a lovely subtle flavor.

Amanda scourges herself for using the wrong cut of meat and thinks she’ll go home. Stephen asks Kelly if she thinks he’ll go home, and she says that she didn’t taste the rice or beans, but he won’t go home for the beef. Commercial!

Back! Stew room! Alex doesn’t think that the individual components of his dish worked ok, but doesn’t know if it combined. Padma calls back Kelly, Kevin, and Tiffany. Stephen says “at your earliest convenience, Stephen’s gonna need some TUMS.”

Padma tells the 3 chefs that they had “our most favorite dishes this evening.”

Really, Padma? Your most favorite? Really?

Gail tells Tiffany she had a great job of combining the elements of her tamales, and Tom says the dish made perfect sense. Kevin reminds them that he doesn’t know about Indian cuisine, and Tom praises him for doing everything well. Andres likes the way he layered the dish. Tom tells Kelly that her dish was a good example of why local food works. Andres says she honors the tradition of great carpaccio.

And the winner is. . .Tiffany! Oh my god, single episode sweep. Well done, lady! And she gets a surprise -- $10,000! Wow! “My wedding is paid for,” she tells us.

Yay! I really like her – she’s both capable and not a giant hosebeast, which is more than you can say for the rest of the cheftestants. And they’re matching it with a donation in her name to DC Central Kitchen. Yay! Jose Andreas gets choked up that they’re donating to a cause close to his heart.

Back to the stew room, where Tiffany calls back Alex, Stephen, and Ed.

They enter the judging chamber. I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned this yet, but I really hate Padma’s necklace, or bib, or faux-tribal collar, or whatever that giant piece of macaroni art around her neck is.

Starting with Stephen, Gail tells him the idea for his rice was fine, but it was “broken, mealy, and overcooked.” Also she tells him chimichuri is Argentine, not Brazilian.

Andres tells Alex his Spanish food “was like a little nightmare.” Alex blames it on not editing himself, and then tries to pin it on Tom for telling him it has to be inspired by Spain. Tom tells him his sauce was thin and watery.

Did anyone else do Noises Off in High School? All I can think hearing about Alex’s food is “No, I’m not in Spain, dear. I’m in Agony!”

Andres enjoyed Ed’s plum sauce, but feels he overpromised and underdelivered – there was none of the promised sweet and sour in his dish. Tom tells him he needed to render the fat out of the duck first.

They send the chefs out, and Stephen immediately cuts the tension…or something…by saying “it’s Ed, he’s goin’ home”

Back in the judges’ chamber, Andres says it’s a tough challenge because you can be a good chef without knowing the world. Gail goes on about how Stephen’s dish was flat out not done well. Tom thinks there wasn’t enough flavor in Ed’s. Andres thinks Alex’s “techniques, the ingredients he chose. . quite frankly the way he presented the plate it didn’t live up to esspectations.”

Because yes, Jose Andres has suddenly turned into Ricky Ricardo in my mind.

Back in the stew, Kevin is surprised that Ed’s on the bottom. Ed is pissed to be on the bottom with Alex. Commercial.

I guess I fast forwarded through the fakeback? Can anyone fill us in on what it contained? More scandalous behavior with Ed and Tiffany sitting on separate beds, nine feet apart? More of Kelly smoking? More of Kenny and his velour bathrobe of sensual seduction?

Back! Tom tells them that in most cases they saw their inspiration, but the technique fell short. Stephen’s rice was a mess. They didn’t see cooking skill in Alex’s at all. Ed didn’t have enough fat in the duck.

Padma tells. . .Stephen to pack his knives and go. He tells them it was an honor to be a part of the process, and hugs Alex enthusiastically and Ed more tentatively. He and Kelly say they love each other. He loved the experience of being on Top Chef, and says being chosen for the show was a victory in itself.


Next time! Restaurant wars! I’d rather not his hands be crazy into it. I’m concerned about Alex. To see Angelo get ramped up is crazy. No talking in the kitchen! Amanda, this is a recook. You didn’t do a fucking thing! Your group even threw you out under the bus! You didn’t do a fucking thing!