Top Chef: I'd Tell You What They Cooked, But Then I'd Have To Kill You

Alex. Alien
Outerspace veal parmesan
Bald head shines less bright.

(look, I had a margarita last night. You’re not going to get Shakespeare. Just deal with it)

Is balance to the universe restored now, beavers? Can the interwebs stop with the wailing and the moaning and the gnashing of teeth over how “unfair” it was that the person with the worst dishes on the losing team was sent home last week? Is your blood lust satisfied now that Alex and his bald head and his pervasive aura of creepiness are gone?

I’m never going to defend Alex, but the way most of the viewing public was crying out for the rules of the competition to be completely overturned to get him out and keep Kenny the magnificent (who had one win, one high placement, and three trips to the bottom beyond that – what a force. What a beast. What a contender. . .) was unsettling.

It’s a game people. You lose, you’re out. I don’t care if you and everyone else you know and the entire Red Sox organization thinks they’re the best team in baseball – if their record sticks at .570 and there are 7 teams ranked above them, that’s plainly untrue; if they score fewer runs than their opponents in any given game, they lose. Period.

Games have rules, and as sheisty as they may sometimes seem (I’m looking at you, Hosea Rosenberg – or I would be if Bravo hadn’t hidden you under a rock so we’d forget about your win), as much as things may sometimes be or at least seem like the result of bad umping (I’m looking at you, Heidi Klum), if they’re not followed, what’s the point in watching? Where’s the excitement that comes from the equal prospect of satisfaction or disappointment?

Anyway. Alex, you were bald and creepy, and everyone thinks you stole the pea puree. And now you’re gone. And maybe it should’ve been sooner, but it shouldn’t have been last week. And I will point out, just for the sake of anyone still fuming, that even if you set last week’s challenge aside, you and Kenny “the beast” had exactly the same positive elimination challenge record – one win, one high place.

And Alex? Was only in the bottom One. Other. Time. Compare that to Kenny's THREE trips to the hall of shame before the one that got him bounced.

Simmer in that for a spell, internets.

So the Bravo interns apparently left for the summer and have abandoned Andy Cohen to do everything by himself, because this is the second week in a row there are no “rate the plate” photos up. Not only that, there are still no “rate the plate” photos up from last week. So please try and overlook the fact that there are no delicious food pictures or hysterically inept descriptions for the second week in a row.

Let’s get a move on.

Morning! Top Chef, DC townhouse. Amanda makes some Seattle’s Best coffee and Kevin mopes some more about how Alex didn’t put up a dish during the last challenge, and how Kenny should still be there. Alex says some nonsense about how Kevin was taking out his frustration on him. Angelo says some choppily editied stuff about how Kenny was the fiercest competitor there, and how he’s totally exhausted.

Quickfire time! At the Hinckley Hilton Kitchen, Ed notes “Wylie Dufresne and his sideburns” awaiting them. There are also boxes with huge question marks. In Ed’s shoes, I would’ve found that a lot more notable than Wylie Dufresne’s sideburns. Wylie Dufresne and his sideburns are a known quantity. That box? It’s got question marks on it, yo. That could be from the Riddler or some shit.

(And now I want to see a superhero challenge. “Your challenge is to design a dish for a Batman villain.” “Aw man, I got Clayface!”)

Anyway, their challenge is to work with the contents of the mystery box. They will each start cooking a dish using the identical ingredients in the boxes in front of them. But then more boxes will arrive as the challenge goes on, and they must incorporate all the ingredients into the dish.

I kind of love this challenge – it takes thinking on your feet to a whole new level. Tiffany doesn’t like the challenge, because she doesn’t like surprises.

Padma also tells them that this is a high stakes quickfire, where the winner gets $10,000. Angelo wants to win to bring his fiancée over from Russia.

Wh. . .wha--- ….WOW. I had just gotten over the shock of Angelo being straight, and now he has a Russian mail order bride? Is this the same one he just had a baby with? There’s some kind of massive backstory here that we’re never going to hear and it makes me itch with curiosity.

They have 40 minutes to cook. The contents of the first box are fish, fava beans, and an unlabeled can. Food flurry! Alex can’t find a can opener because no one will lend him one. The can is hominy. Kevin thinks Angelo doesn’t know what he’s doing, and Angelo interviews that this is the first time in the competition that he feels lost.

Box #2 is delivered by a Don Draper lookalike in Secret Service Drag. It has squid and black garlic in it. Kelly doesn’t know anything about black garlic, so she tastes it. She gets nervous because she doesn’t want the flavors to get too confusing.

Mystery box #3! Ramps and passion fruit! Ed doesn’t want it. Tiffany has never used a ramp. Sixteen minutes left. Angelo is talking to himself, and can’t sort out whether to make a hot or cold dish.

A fourth box arrives, with jicama in it. Amanda juliennes it and throws it in. Ten minutes left. There’s a full on Tiffany/Amanda collision as they race back and forth to finish. Angelo sweats into his food. Then he brulees it . . to cover the sweat taste? Time!

Tasting. They start with Alex’s Rockfish with Fava Bean Puree, Ramp Fondue and Sauteed Squid. Next is Tiffany’s Fish Stew with Hominy, Fava Beans, Saffron and Black Garlic. Wylie really likes the broth. Kelly has made Yucatecan Seafood Stew with Black Garlic, Fava Beans and Grilled Ramps. Wylie says it’s spicy. Amanda’s Crispy Skin Striped Bass, Squid Fricassee, and Leek and Mushroom Fondue is next.Wylie asks her if it has butter or oil in it; Amanda replies that there’s a bit of both. Kevin has made Pan Seared Rockfish, Hominy Puree, Jicama and Passion Fruit Salad. Wylie asks what the heat is. Kevin says pepper flakes, and we cut to Kelly shaking her head smugly.

We move on to Ed’s Rockfish Sashimi with Hominy Basil Puree and Grilled Squid Marmalade, then finish with Angelo's Smokey Hominy Pot Au Feu, Squid Rockfish Tataki and Passion Fruit Gel. His gel is starting to melt.

Wylie says that they did well overall. The least successful are Alex, whose components didn’t come together, and Amanda’s for being too oily.

The top are Tiffany, who integrated all the components and Kevin’s because the puree was clever and the dish was balanced.

And the winner is. . .Tiffany. Yay!! Her wedding just got $10,000 fancier.

Commercial!

Back! Elimination challenge! Padma tells them it’s a case of national security – they’ve been “recruited” as “special agents” for the CIA. Oh, vaffanculo, the spy puns fly too fast and too horrible in this segment for me to catch even half of them. Anyway, they’ll each be taking over a classic dish and giving it a “disguise” while keeping the flavors of the classic dish

They draw knives to see which classic dish they’ll be “disguising.” Amanda gets French Onion Soup; Ed pulls Chicken Cordon Bleu; Angelo gets Beef Wellington; Kelly draws Kung Paso Shrimp; Tiffany gets Gyros; Kevin’s dish will be Cobb Salad; and Alex takes Veal Parmesan.

They’ll be cooking and serving a group of CIA officers. . .and Director Leon Panetta. Who clearly has nothing more pressing to do with his time than guest on an episode of Top Chef. Oh no. I mean, his wife did ask him to stop at the Harris-Teeter and pick up milk, but that and Top Chef? That’s all that’s on his docket for the next few days.

Anyway, they’ll be serving at CIA headquarters, and the winner gets a trip to Paris. Ed tells us that his “girlfriend” has been bugging him for vacation, and Paris would be awesome. I still do not believe in the existence of Ed’s girlfriends, past, present, or Chinese.

Ok, this is only worth mentioning to because I live in DC, but during the “let’s go to Whole Foods” quick cuts, they have an extreme of one of our disgusting squirrels limping around DuPont Circle. Fucking beasts. You know that line about squirrels being rats with better outfits? I would take a rat over a DC squirrel any day of the week. I’ve never been rushed by a pack of rats who wanted to steal my cranberry-orange muffin. Squirrels in this town will fucking attack you, though. l see maybe six rats a year and I go “meh” every time. I see a million squirrels a day, yet when one gets within twelve feet of me I scream “vile furry minion of the devil!” and then I fling any baked goods I have on hand at it in self defense. “Take the bagel; spare my life!”

Shopping! They have 30 minutes and $200. Alex talks about how he’s only been a chef for 6 years, and was a videographer before that. He thinks being a relatively new chef is an advantage because he’s more open minded than the others. Kelly frets about how she’s never cooked Chinese food, so she’s finding “prepared Kung Pao something” and reading the ingredients. Angelo is redoing Beef Wellington as a pizza. He’s using prepared puff pastry, which Ed views as “asking to be eliminated from this competition.” He says it’d be nice to have Angelo gone since he’s a threat.

2.5 hours to cook. Tiffany is excited about the CIA challenge, because she loves spy stuff, like La Femme Nikita (the TV show, not the way more awesome movie). She says her spy name is Brigitte, and she’s deconstructing a gyro.

Amanda has always wanted to be a spy so she could say her name was “Natasha” and carry a .22 in her garter. Kelly thinks Amanda’s plan of disguising soup as soup is too obvious. Eh, I’ve been told the best cover is one that’s not too far from reality, so if you want to force the tortured spy analogy, disguising soup as soup is not the worst thing you could do. If you want to win the challenge, though, not the best idea.

Kelly is disguising Kung Pao shrimp as a soup, but she doesn’t know what it’s supposed to taste like. Alex tries to give her advice, which she refuses to take because she thinks he doesn’t even understand his own cuisine. Amanda says she likes and respects Alex even though no one else does. Oh, Amanda. I like you, but that coke addiction really did a number on your brain, didn’t it? Anyway, Alex is making veal parmesan stuffed in tortellini. It’s actually one of the better ideas we’ve heard, if he had the skillz to pull it off. Which – all signs point to no.

There’s more tsuris about Angelo’s puff pastry. Kevin reminds us that John – you remember John, right? He of the jizz possum hair and the first episode elimination? – anyway, John went home for using puff pastry, and Kevin thinks the same thing could happen to Angelo.

Angelo asks Ed what his spy name is. Ed replies “Muffin Winthrop.” So your spy name is the most recent breakfast pastry you ate, plus your favorite character from The Music Man? I’m going to be Croissant Zenobia, then. Alex’s is “Doctor Zhivago.” His favorite spy is Get Smart. Mine too, Alex.

Ed discusses how he’s making his chicken cordon bleu inside out – ham on the outside rather than on the inside. That . . .doesn’t sound like much of a disguise. It’s like when I wear my glasses instead of my contacts. It’s still me plus a device to help my vision – the fact that said device is on the outside instead of stuck in my eyes doesn’t fool anyone. Kevin is trying to “change the textures” on his Cobb salad, but he’s not sure he’s “giving it a new identity.” Time.

Commercial!

Back! The chefs enter CIA headquarters, and Kevin reflects on the amazing experience they’re having. Amanda says it’s obvious that they’re on restricted government property because of how thoroughly they got screened on the way in. “We’re really at the CIA!” she enthuses.

1.5 hours to cook. Ed says it’s “kinda strange thinking that we’re at the CIA” because they have to have each contestant emphasize at least once that they’re at the CIA. This is so the audience knows that they’re at the CIA; knows that the CIA gave Bravo the chance to film at the CIA. You filmed at the CIA yet, Heidi? No? What about you, Jeff Probst? Any Survivors been filmed at the CIA? No? Suck it, fools. We at the CIA!

(the real chuckle-point, though is that they're being so incredibly unsubtle about it. For an episode called "Covert Cuisine," you'd think they'd try and be a bit sneakier)

Kevin thinks Angelo’s upset by his performance in the quickfire. Kelly gets her rice in the rice cooker, and says she doesn’t have a lot of prep to do, but needs to execute everything perfectly. Amanda worries that she didn’t disguise her French Onion soup enough, telling us “Helen Keller would recognize what this dish is.”

Alex isn’t worried that he hasn’t made this dish before because he made himself a promise going in that he wouldn’t make anything he’d done before. That is a stupid, stupid promise, and you might think that his performance in the challenge to date might have caused him to reconsider it. But again, all signs point to know.

Kelly asks Tiffany if the rice cooker will shut off by itself when it’s done. Tiffany says yes.

Time passes. The rice cooker starts beeping, and she finds out that her rice is overcooked “completely unedible.”Add to my list of reasons to dislike Kelly: a) kind of a bitch; b) smokes like a chimney; c) terrible, terrible haircut; d) names restaurant after herself; e) likes thin soup; f) thinks the opposite of “edible” is “unedible.” (It’s not. It’s inedible. You’d think they would’ve covered that in culinary school). She puts her rice failure up to the elevation difference between cooking here and cooking in Colorado. She redoes some rice on the stove “the old school way.”

Let me just say: I know that Roger Ebert loves them, but I think rice cookers are kind of bullshit – and you know how I love my unnecessary kitchen machines. I only make rice “the old school way,” and as such, it makes me feel kind of smug seeing a schmancy chef who names her restaurant after herself freak out about it.

Twelve minutes forty seconds. The judges enter. RIPERT! RIPERT is back! It’s not that I don’t love Gail Simmons – I do – but she’s no Eric Ripert. Gail I just want to hang out with so we can gossip and eat a lot; Ripert I want to eat a lot. . off of his perfectly chiseled torso, while he describes each course to me in his amazing accent. "And on my lowair pec-to-rail, we 'ave zee poched lobstair."

Kelly is stressing. Tiffany helps her plate because “I don’t wanna win when something didn’t go right. I want to compete against you at your best.”

Time! Padma thanks Leon Panetta and the staff who’ve joined them. Angelo has no clue what’s going on in his head.

The first course they get is Angelo’s “Beef Wellington:” Tartlet Topped with Slivers of Beef. Leon Panetta calls it a poor disguise, saying “they would’ve captured this individual and hung him.”Oh, bless you, director, for making one of the few clever spy comments of the whole episode. He also thinks the dish is salty and the pastry is hard. Ripert says Angelo took “chortcoats” to make the dish easier.

Next they get Kelly’s “Kung Pao shrimp” redux – Spicy Shrimp Broth with Rice and Szechuan Shrimp Tempura. Wylie says he knows what it is, and teases Panetta "for once I know something you don't." Oh, Dufresne. Don't mock a man who can tap your phone with less effort than most of us tie our shoes. Anyway, a lot of people guess Pad Thai. Someone – Tom? -- says Kung Pao. Tom likes it and thinks the flavor is great. Wylie thinks turning the sauce into a broth was a nice spin, but there was too much of it. Some CIA guy was so distracted by how good the dish tasted that he couldn’t tell what it was.

Tiffany’s Gyro adaptation is next. She’s made it as Roasted Leg of Lamb with Smokey Eggplant, Tomato and Pickled Onions. Ripert says it’s good. Panetta guesses gyro; the deputy counsel of the CIA says he’d order it anywhere and Ripert calls it “ze most el-ai-gant gyro I ‘ave ever ate in my life.”

It’s followed by Kevin’s “Cobb Salad,” which the Bravo screen tag describes as Romaine Lettuce, Tomato, Bacon, Roquefort, Avocado, Cucumber and Turkey. Yup. That’s a Cobb Salad alright. No need for the quotation marks on that one. The director of human resources guesses Cobb Salad, but Panetta thought it was “something Mexican.” Tom says it was still a salad, so did it really change? But then he admits that he likes it, but he loves Cobb salad. He looks sheepish about this. Don’t be sheepish, Tom – I love Cobb Salad too. Let’s do lunch. I’ll pay, to make up for that time I spent the whole season mocking you about the “honor the protein” thing.

Panetta is talking to Padma about what they use the dining room for, and then someone hands him a note and gets called away. Everyone looks around the room shiftily. Padma asks teasingly “are you used to director Panetta having to dine and dash?” a woman curtly replies “it happens often,” and there are more shifty glances around the room.

Seriously, the best part of the episode is all the CIA people giving cold glares to Padma every time she opens her mouth.

Amanda interviews that Alex is talented, but has problems with execution. She also compares him to “the wise old Jewish uncle I never had” and says she doesn’t want to see her friends fail. Oh, Amanda. You should choose your friends more wisely, then.

The servers take out Amanda’s disguised “French Onion Soup”– Consomme with Oxtail Marmalade, Caramelized Onion and Shaved Gruyere. They peg it as French Onion soup quickly. Tom thinks the marmalade was a good idea, but too sweet, and the deputy counsel compares it to honey and lemon cough syrup.

Alex’s “Veal Parmesan” – Veal and Parmesan Cheese Tortellini with Tomato Sauce and Tempura Cheese -- is served, and everyone gnaws at the tough meat. Someone guesses it’s lasagna, but they eventually get Veal Parmesan. Tom calls it “tougher than pulling a post in Yemen,” but Wylie points out that it’s probably the best disguised dish. Ripert sagely says “I would ‘ave pre-fair less deese-guys an’ a bettair deesh.”

Ed talks about how today is the most organized he’s been in his head. The servers bring out his “Chicken Cordon Bleu,” which he has turned into a Roasted Chicken Breast, Ham and Cheese Croquette, and Spring Onion Soubise. Ripert thinks it’s obviously a cordon bleu. Tom likes the dish and Wylie thinks a lot of labor went into the dish, but Padma thinks he didn’t work hard enough to disguise it.

Back in the kitchen, Kelly tastes Amanda’s dish and says that it’s sweet, but it tastes good. Angelo doesn’t feel confident about anything at this time and would be traumatized if he went home.

Commercial!

Back! Fakeback! Back at the townhouse, people reflect on how it was cool to go to the CIA and meet Leon Panetta, and wonder if he knows who killed JFK. They think he also knows if there are aliens and where they live. Angelo teases that one lives in L.A., and points to Alex.

Kevin and Amanda are conspicuously absent from this scene. Is this a giveaway? (It’s not)

Really back! Padma calls in Tiffany, Kelly, and Ed.

Judges Table. Padma tells them that they had the three best dishes in that challenge.

Kelly explains how she was trying to think outside the box by turning it into soup. Ripert liked the broth and how the rice counteracted the spicyness.

Dufresne liked Tiffany’s dish, and how she disguised it by making a handheld food into a dish. Ripert really enjoyed it.

Ed explains his inside out cordon bleu. Ripert says all of his components were perfectly executed.

And the winner is. . .Tiffany! Yay! “I got a honeymoon!” she says. Ed knows his “girlfriend” will be upset, but he’s happy for Tiffany.

I think someone needs to explain to Ed that paying for the girlfriend experience doesn’t mean someone’s actually your girlfriend.

Tiffany calls back Alex, Amanda, and Angelo. Oh good, now we can get rid of one of the A names and I’ll have one less thing to complain about. Remember when there were three K names and three A names and three T names, and I was more horribly confused than ever?

Padma tells them they had the least successful dishes at the challenge.
Amanda was aware that her dish was inadequately disguised. Wylie would’ve liked to see more of a disguise because she didn’t seize the opportunities. Tom says that the lack of disguise aside, the marmalade was so sweet it threw off the dish.

Tom tells Angelo that his dish was a giveaway, and the pastry was dried out. Dufresne says the plating was sloppy, and Ripert says this was the challenge “where you ‘ad ze mos’ free-dahm to esspress your cre-ay-tee-vaty. And we ended up wees somesing zat was kind of sad.

Wylie says he was excited when the plate came because it wasn’t obvious, but “your disguise was poor execution.” Tom says “the meat was tough, the fried mozzarella …I’ve had better at a bad street fair, and I’ve had better frozen tortellini out of a box.”

Tom then asks if any of them are willing to say they’re seventh best? Amanda immediately says no. Tom asks “then why are you cooking like that? Cause one of you’s going home. One of you’s going to be seventh best.”

Stew room. Angelo reflects that he should go home. Kelly doesn’t feel bad for him.

Deliberation. Ripert thinks Alex put a lot of time into his dish compared to the other two. Wylie thinks he bit off too many unfamiliar things. He also says Amanda’s efforts didn’t meet any of the criteria “if you weren’t going to hide the dish, then you at least had to make a good dish. And I think she failed on both counts.” Ripert says “Angelo beef wellington weell make Julia Child vairy sad. I theenk ‘ee was totally lost or un-eenspired.”

Commercial!

Back! Tom tells them that in each case their cover was blown, and if there was any disguise “you disguised yourself as really poor cooks.”

Padma tells Alex to pack his knives and go. He interviews that there’s no margin of error. Amanda seems to be the only one who hugs him, even though they all do the courtesy clap. He says he has nothing against the other chefs and brings up all the reasons they were mad at him, and finishes “each person has to live with himself.”

Next time! Nationals Park! ‘Bout to get ugly boys and girls! Chill out, please! You’re the bad boy on this show! Rick Moonen! Raw fish at a baseball stadium, that takes some baseballs. And you’re going to see me get very, VERY bitter, for reasons that will become clear in seven days.