Project Runway: Jackie Oh, No They Di'int.

Schizo Jackie-O
Sends Michael Drummond home
Prairie isn’t chic.

Let me tell you a secret, poppets. Every morning, I wake up, and I think about my day and what I’m going to have to do, and I open my closet, stare inside and think “WWJD?”

Yep. What Would Jackie Do? That, my loves, is the explanation for every pair of giant Chanel shades, every scarf, every sheath dress, every wrap dress, every coat, every vintage golf skirt even though I don’t play golf, every pearl set, every exaggerated piece of costume jewelry. . .

. . .you get the picture. And I’m not going to pretend I’m unique in this – I think this is pretty much par for the course for nice Catholic girls of my generation, particularly those of us raised by well intentioned liberal baby boomers.

Which means that I always get a little on edge with the “modernize Jackie Kennedy” (either on her own or as one of a variety of fashion icons) challenges -- because it’s so easy to be either too pat or terribly, terribly wrong.

So the one thing I really want to say first off the bat is let’s give sweet little Mondo a big ole’ standing ovation. Because that look? That got it exactly right. It was stunning in and of itself, and it managed to fit the challenge perfectly – by being an homage rather than a knockoff or a parody.

And on the other side of things – poor Michael Drummond. I’m sad that we didn’t really get to see more knitwear from him; sad that the last St. Louis designer is gone, and sad that we’ve lost another bright spot of wit and personality. Now we’ve got April, Mondo, and a flock of bitter pusses. The show will not be as much fun from here on out.

Anyway. Let’s knock this one out, ‘kay?

Morning! Atlas apartments. Christopher notes that it’s quieter without Casanova around. Michael C. says things have been kind of boring around the workroom, and reflects on his disagreement with Ivy.

In the girls’ apartment, Ivy thinks she’s a very strong woman. Ivy is one of the millions of Americans who can’t tell the difference between “strong woman” and “stank self impressed bitch,” apparently. Cutting back to one of the dudes’ apartments, Michael C. thinks Ivy needs to step it up. He tells us that all of her work is opaque, and “opaque is not a color. But if it was, it’d be called Ivy.”

Dude, that is maybe the weakest burn in reality TV history, or at least a close second to Work of Art’s famed “Hang out with yourself!” And at least she said that with some conviction. . .

Anyway. Parsons! Runway! Heidi appears and chirps at them from underneath her soccer mom/sheepdog bangs. She tells them “you’ll be looking to the past to save your future,” and tells them that Tim will tell them more. I kind of wish they’d do away with this portion of the show – they’re not showing the model selection at all anymore, and more often than not it exists solely for Heidi to come out and yelp something she stole from the horoscopes page at them for 20 seconds at the top of each episode. “Designers, you've got friends in all the right places today. That doesn't mean you aren't responsible for your own accomplishments, of course, but it does mean that you've got to accept more help than usual. Tim will tell you more.”

Anyway, the designers all speculate, as usual, about what Heidi’s enigmatic shrieking could mean this week, but my friends start complaining about Gretchen’s permanent sucked-a-lemon frown and I don’t hear it.

They head to Capsule Studios, where Tim greets them while standing in front of an array of pictures of Jackie Kennedy. I secretly think Tim has a similar wall-o-Jackie in his apartment. He tells them that their challenge is to create a look that’s their take on American Sportswear using Jackie as their inspiration.

They have 30 minutes at Capsule to sketch. Christopher thinks this is a good challenge for him. Andy is a little more worried, but tells us “Jacqueline Kennedy was a fashion risk taker without even knowing it.”

Bitch, please. She knew it. No one gets that fabulous without knowing it.

Mood! Mondo is wearing insane pants. Tim gives Gretchen some advice about leading, which seems odd for an individual challenge. Ivy doesn’t know what she’s going to create. SWATCH! Michael Drummond frets about his choices. One of my friends points out that Michael Drummond is like “Chris Elliott in a tank top . . .and gay.”

Workroom! Michael C wraps a scarf around his head, Jackie style. He’s much less convincing than Elaine was. Mondo has some awkward looking houndstooth fabric with a purple spray paint effect on it. Michael D. thinks his look will be either “really good or really bad,” and tells us he’s making “sportswear, but dressier, because I don’t do sportswear.”

Valerie talks about how funny Michael D is. I write “he is totes going home” in my notes at this point.

Valerie tells us that she wants to get her look drafted? As much as possible? And that she’s like the Susan Lucci? Of the show?

Between Valerie and Ivy, the upward inflections really start to get to me during this episode. Commercial!

Back! Ivy looks at pictures of Jackie, and tells us that the other designers don’t know what sportswear is, because Michael C. and Christopher are making cocktail looks.

Valerie asks a lot of people for feedback. Michael C. worries that his look is too much like a flight attendant. Andy has made a GIANT pair of pants. (And here I was going to work in a reference to “Big Pants Dance,” but google has denied me both video and lyrics, thus thwarting my attempts to work ‘90s swing into this recap. This is google’s way of telling me I’m old).

Tim thru! He talks with Christopher for a bit. April says Christopher’s dress looks like something her grandmother would wear. Tim thinks Valerie’s pants are “vulgar.” Michael C. has made 2 dresses, both of which may be too cocktail. He tells Andy his look is “very beautifully draped,” and then moves to Mondo.

At this point, Michael Drummond tells us “if you took Jackie Kennedy to the desert and gave her some mesclun to eat, you’d have Jackie Kennedy and Mondo.”

And I make my friends rewind it several times so I can get that bit word for word, and because I’m almost crying from laughter. Oh, Michael Drummond. Oh honey. I’m not 100% sure what you’re trying to feed Jackie to turn her into Mondo, but I know it ain’t mesclun. That is some bad ass salad mix if it can change Mrs. Kennedy into Mr. Guerra.

Christopher tells us Michael D’s skirt is “a little Crucible,” and Tim thinks it’s “Annie Oakley.”

The models enter. Mondo loves his fabric. Ivy only has a top to fit. Valerie thinks her pants should be tighter. Michael C. says his fitting went well and he’s glad he’s done 2 dresses, but Valerie thinks both dresses are Donna Karan knockoffs. Gretchen calls Michael D’s look “Prairie Home Sex Shop.” Oh, Gretchen. Don’t say things that make me hate you slightly less.

Next day! Atlas apartments. April thinks all the girls are in the clear (I do too, but it has less to do with their looks than with the fact that the producers will want the male/female ratio evened out a bit) but that Andy’s look is “more Jackie ‘yo’ than Jackie O.” Heh. I love her. The boys supportively tell Mondo he looks like Jackie. . .if she came back as a tranny.

Workroom! Tim Gunn enters and tells them that it’s not a runway day. What day is it? Valerie asks, confused. Before Tim can answer “Flag Day” or “Sukkoth” or “Tuesday, you nit,” we cut to commercial.

Back! Tim explains that it’s not a runway day – it’s a day when they’ll all be creating an itemof outerwear to go with their look.

Michael C. is worried about this because there’s no outerwear in Palm Springs. Michael Drummond is pleased because as a knitwear designer, he’s “Captain Outerwear.” Captain Outerwear is partners with Captain Save-a-Ho in the Legion of Project Runway SuperfriendsValerie is vexed because she’s already made a jacket to go with her look.

They have fifteen minutes to sketch, fifteen minutes at Mood, and $150. Sketching. Valerie thinks about scrapping her extant jacket and starting over, but decides on a vest.

MOOD! Fabric flurry #2. Michael C. decides on a fabric he wants and is fingering it when Gretchen pops up out of nowhere and informs him that she’s taking that. Hands up if you’re partly convinced that Gretchen hadn’t seen that fabric until that exact moment? Christopher chooses some fur and feels bad.

Workroom. Christopher is worried about trying to sew his hides. Ivy couldn’t ask for anything better than the chance to do outerwear. She doesn’t add that it’s a nice chance to cover up her generally crappy to mediocre work. Christopher shaves his hides. This is not a euphemism. Mondo feelslike Harry Potter in his cape.

Michael C’s jacket looks like a terrycloth towel. Gretchen bitches about how Michael C. makes 7 looks per challenge and has no conviction. I find it odd that after bitching constantly about how he can’t sew for the last few weeks, they’re now bitching about how quickly he turns out multiple looks per challenge.

Tim thru two! He’s worried about Valerie’s time because she’s changing a lot. Michael d. continues to defend his prairie skirt. Tim tells Andy “this is the most you you’ve been all season” but that he needs to work on the pants because “Jackie Kennedy would not have camel toe.” TROOF. She also wouldn’t wear Andy’s nutbag MC Hammer pants to begin with, but that seems to slip Tim’s mind. Finally, Tim tells Michael C. to hide his horrible towel jacket. He thinks Christopher’s is anemic.

Commercial!

Back. Actual day of runway show. Andy is confident. The girls giggle meanly about something. Michael Drummond says Tim has him nervous. Mondo’s outfit for the day was inspired by the Cotton Club. I don’t recall the Cotton Club involving leiderhosen, but whatever. He tap dances merrily for his roommates.

Workroom. Christopher is worried about fit. Tim comes in, tells them they have 2 hours for the usual product placement jazz, and sends in the models. The girls bitch about how the judges will probably overlook the fact that Michael C’s look is a knockoff again. Andy’s pants are insane and the crotch doesn’t work.

At this point, we make a number of tasteless jokes about how he should just remove the model’s crotch altogether. “Andy, just lose the crotch. You have 20 minutes to send her to the L’Oreal Female Genital Mutilation room.”

(I would like to take this opportunity to point out that there is nothing funny about actual Female Genital Mutilation, and that we are aware of this when we're sober)

Fashion flurry. Ivy is pleasantly surprised with her look.

Ten minutes to runway. Mondo and his leiderhosen have zipper issues. Valerie thinks she’ll be safe, but is prepared for the worst. Michael Drummond is always almost finished. Gretchen is nervous for about 50% of the room. She feels like more than three of them are in the bottom. Naturally, she does not include herself in this group. Commercial.

Back. Runway. Heidi darts out on the runway, subtracts one from 9 to get 8, and introduces the judges: Michael Kors (hey guys) Nina Garcia (hi everyone) and January Jones.


I try not to let my dislike of Betty Draper drip over onto January Jones, but it’s hard since she’s not really been in anything else.

Let’s start the show!

Christopher’s look is an ecru one shouldered dress with a hideous shrug. The shrug is the worst thing ever, but the dress itself could be a cropped version of a Jackie Kennedy evening gown remade in a day fabric. April’s is a black dress that’s like a kind of whorey take on a shirtwaist dress. A friend of mine feels it’s more “Pussycat Dolls” than Jackie Kennedy.

Ivy has made black palazzo pants with a striking asymmetrical white top and a boring sheer grey jacket. Michael C. has made a blue one shouldered Grecian style cocktail dress with a charcoal vest thing. It’s nice, but it’s definitely not innovative in anyway. Gretchen has made another yawner in neutrals – a camel colored swing cape over a skirt and top. Zzzzz.

Michael Drummond has made a grey schoolgirl dress with a black and white plaid bolero. Seeing it come down the runway, he says “oh God. I’m dead.” Valerie’s look is a black skirt and a charcoal vest over a purple jacket/top.

And then we see Andy’s insane Hammer pants with a white tee shirt and a cropped vest. If you look up “cracktastic” in the dictionary, I’m pretty sure you see those pants. Finally, Mondo has made a skirt from the houndstooth with a striped top and an AMAZING jacket. I literally gasped when I saw the lining.

Heidi tells Michael C., April, and Gretchen that they’re safe. Back in the green room, Michael C. thought he was going home. Gretchen, on the other hand, is surprised that she’s not in the top. Michael C. agrees with her, but then interviews that he’s lying.

They discuss the other designers. Michael C. thinks Mondo and Ivy are in the top. Gretchen says Valerie’s read “streetwear, not sportswear,” and April doesn’t think Jackie Onassis would’ve “wore” Andy’s pants. She probably wouldn’t have worn them either, pet. Commercial.

Back. The judges start their interviews with Valerie, with Heidi questioning the “jacket over the jacket.” Valerie tries to spin that it’s actually a jacket-esque blouse. Kors says it’s “sad looking” and Heidi thinks the colors drag it down. January Jones is “confused” by the ankle boot. I don’t know if this is necessarily a style criticism – sometimes I think January Jones is just thick enough to actually be confused by an ankle boot. And Nina is tired of Valerie’s pleating and zippers.

Christopher tells them that his look was “inspired by the effortlessly elegant theme.” January Jones says it’s hr favorite. Kors says the dress is elegant and sexy, which makes it hard to figure out what to put over it. Nina agrees that it’s much better with the shrug off, and Heidi says the shrug looks like a dirty old rug.

Moving to Michael Drummond, he tells them he wanted to do a vintage silhouette. Kors tells him the outfit is like a “schizophrenic Jackie Kennedy – she’s an old woman on top and a drunken cheerleader on the bottom.” He actually finds the outfit insulting. Heidi says the top doesn’t fit and January Jones tells him it’s sloppy.

After a bit of joking about Mondo’s own outfit, Heidi tells him that the look he designed is sharp, and that though it’s loud, it fits the challenge. She loves the lining on the jacket. I go and throw up to get the stink of agreeing with Heidi out of my system. Kors also thinks the t-shirt is fabulous and the silhouette is classic, and Nina tells him that it’s both fun and elegant.

Ivy blathers something about being inspired by triangles and squares because “shapes are timeless?” Augh. It’s not a question, moron. Anyway, Kors says the outfit is “intrinsically elegant” and he likes the neckline on the top. Heidi thinks the top is overdesigned and the jacket is too small. January Jones thinks it’s better without the coat, but likes the twisted tuxedo pant.

Finally we get to Andy, who tells us he associates Jackie Kennedy with ease and chicness. Heidi says she’s having a hard time “keeping it together because I want to burst out and crack up.” Andy tries to make excuses, saying he doesn’t consider himself an American sportswear designer.

Oh, doooooood. Wrong thing to say in front of Michael FREAKING Kors, who takes him down with “So what are you, some sort of grand couturier? I mean c’mon.” He continues his merciless dissection of the outfit by calling it “MC Hammer meets the Beverly Hillbillies Grandmother.” Nina agrees that it’s a trainwreck and begs him to have the model take “the terrible vest” off.

Green room. Andy felt the judges were extremely tough. Valerie thinks it could be her. Michael Drummond is sick of deliberating.

Back out on the runway, they start the deliberation with Valerie. Kors thinks it had neither tailoring or imagination, and Heidi found it boring. Kors says Andy’s was ill fitting and ill appropriate, but Nina hopes that Andy still has surprises in store for them. Kors thinks Michael D’s was put together terribly, and Nina thinks it was poor and sad.

For the top group, Kors says Christopher’s was an elegant dress that managed to be sexy without being vulgar. Nina says the shrug was horrible, but January Jones says the silhouette was perfect. Kors says Mondo definitely got it and still kept his own personality. Nina thinks he captured Jackie’s allure, and January Jones says he did so while staying true to his own style. We flash cut to Mondo’s Joel Grey in Cabaret eyes. Finally Kors thought Ivy’s neckline was great, and Nina says this is the most polished look from Ivy.

Heidi calls the designers back out and we cut to commercial.

Back! Heidi flips the script on our usual order of events by telling Mondo he’s the clear winner. Yay!!!! He’s excited to have won, and April tells him he did a good job and that his look was really Mondo.

Back on the runway, Christopher is in. Ivy is in. Andy is in, and he goes back to the green room and tells the other designers that he’s “just gotta figure out what they want next time.” Um, maybe they want you to follow the parameters of the challenge instead of making any insane pants that pop into your head? Jackass.

So it’s down to Valerie and Michael D. Valerie missed the mark in a big way and made boring, inexpensive, and badly executed mall wear. Michael D. made an unfortunate mismatch with proportions that were way off.

And Valerie is in. Michael is out and tells us ‘being on Project Runway has been kind of an eye opening experience. He’s most bummed about missing his roommates Christopher and Mondo.

Tim enters and basically tells him “tolja so,” about the skirt, but adds “we’re going to miss you. One more little bubble of laughter is going away.” Tim is clearly as depressed about the remaining band of sourpusses, whiners, and under the bus throwers as the rest of us.

Next! The winner will receive something unprecedented! You can’t forfeit! Valerie! Ohmigod! Even I’m shaking over this. You have to choose either boobs or legs.