Project Runway: Life's a Beach

I can't even write a haiku this morning, kids.

For the one thing, I had far too much wine last night -- let's just say that there may be video of me doing an emotional, operatic rendition of the "Bed Intruder" song somewhere on the interwebs -- and I'm feeling that but good this morning.

Second, I'm so depressed about our little friend Casanova. I know I wasn't a fan of his at first, but he was really growing on me, what with his dichotomous granny/hooker aesthetic and his hilarious to transcribe accent and his general adorableness.

Third, I'm running late this morning. So go and enjoy his finale decoy collection (a LOT of shiny satin pants) and then let's just play him out in the style he really deserves:


Gerald Levert Casanova
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As Casanova would say, Essssaktly. Let's do this thing.

Morning! Atlas apartments! Everyone does the whole waking up thing. April is bummed that Peach is gone and doesn’t want to move in with Valerie, Gretchen, and Ivy.

Michael C. reflects on how everyone hated him for winning. Andy reaffirms this theme by telling us Michael C. is the weakest designer.

April heads to the mean girls apartment, which will heretofore be known as just the girls apartment. Everyone fakity fake hugs. Ivy wonders why there are so few girls left.

Runway! Heidi enters wearing some dreadful parachute pants, and tells them that Tim and a special guest will be taking them to brunch at the marina. She’s holding the velvet bag, but once again we don’t see the model pick. I wonder how badly Models of the Runway must’ve done for them to decide we don’t want to see anything model related ever again, ever.

At the marina, they meet up with Tim and their special guest Michael Kors, who are standing in front of a boat called “Cloud Nine.” Kors says their challenge this week is to create a resort wear look that captures their point of view as a designer.

Michael C. thinks he has this in the bag because he’s from Palm Springs. Mondo says he never gets vacation, so his resort wear is underwear and a t-shirt.

They go on a brunch cruise around the marina to inspire them. They’re on a boat! And they’re wearing free Michael Kors sunglasses so that Michael Kors gets a chance to plug his brand. Because apparently all the episodes featuring Michael Kors stores and introducing him as CFDA winning designer Michael Kors aren’t enough promotion if your name is Michael Kors. Michael Kors.

Anyway, they get about two sips into their mimosas when Tim tells them to go and sketch for 30 minutes. HA. Once again, it’s never a party. It’s always a trap.



Casanova says this isn’t his challenge. Andy is making a luxury bathing suit and cover-up. April hasn’t done any resort wear except her much maligned diaper, but says she defends everything she’s done. She’s creating a sexual black look.

They drift up to MOOD for 30 minutes of shopping with a budget of $150. Mondo is making a bikini, wind breaker, and visor. Michael D. worries that his aesthetic is too dark for resort wear. Ivy picks out some horrible drapery looking fabric.


Then Swatch appears. SWATCH!!!! Tim tells us “Swatch is here for the five minute call!” and looks at the little dog, thinking of the fact that this is the only other being in the room with a scrap of taste or discretion. Tim dreams of the day when the two of them can sit in the sun, free from having to herd flocks of designers about the city.

Workroom! The designers are just getting settled in when Tim appears with the velvet bag and asks them to gather round. They all interview about how much they hate the velvet bag. Commercial!

Back!Tim tells them that the dreaded velvet bag is there because they’ll be paired in teams of two and wearing two hats. One hat will be their usual designer beret. The other hat will be the street urchin slouch cap of the person executing the design, because as we all know, designers seldom execute their own designs, choosing instead to farm them out to teams of seamstresses or third world children.

So they’re paired up by the cruel whims of the velvet bag. Valerie is with Andy. Mondo gives a lengthy interview about how much he doesn’t want to be with Michael C. before being paired with. . .Michael C! “I am so pissed, I can’t even” he tells us. April is with Christopher. Casanova is with Gretchen. Ivy is with Michael D.


They all meet up to discuss their collaborations. April and Christopher are thrilled to be together. Mondo hates being with Michael C. because he’s “awful at construction.” Andy and Val try to reassure each other. Ivy and Michael D. have a conversation that’s 90% awkward pauses. Mondo can’t believe Michael C. doesn’t have a ruler. Casanova asks Gretchen “what eez darts?” and in lieu of an explanation, she draws him some giant sketches, like ten times their normal size. He tells us he has no problem “weeth my eyes,” and that the giant sketches make him realize “oh my gosh, she theenk I’m a reeeetard.”

Gretchen interviews that she doesn’t think Casanova’s aged aesthetic will take him much further. Mondo is focusing on working with Michael C. to get Mondo’s design executed.


Commercial.

Back. There’s some more Michael C./Mondo type drama, but then Mondo realizes that Michael is “a good guy, and he’s willing to learn, and I was being a dick.”
Hallelujah, a growth moment from one of these snippy little bitches.

Tim enters and tells them that Michael Kors will be doing their critique that week. I think they occasionally allow a non-Tim person to do the Tim-thru just to show how inept they are at it. C.F. last season’s Heidi-thru where she was just German and awful.

So. Kors thru! Gretchen talks about admiring Michael Kors. We talk about hating Gretchen, particularly what one of my friends calls her “George Washington teeth.” Anyway, Kors tells them that Casanova’s look is “not a young outfit,” and Gretchen that she still seems locked into the color pallet from the team challenge, because she’s using “a whole lot of Bordeaux.”


Moving to Mondo and Michael C., he’s a bit confused by Mondo’s batwing jacket, and cautions Michael C. to keep his “glamorous over the top” outfit “simple.” He encourages April to make a brief/tailored boy short to go with her outfit, and likes the draping on Christophers.

He heads over to Ivy and Michael D. Ivy says something about modifying the pants into a circle skirt because Michael D. can’t execute the pants. Michael Kors doesn’t understand. Does anyone else think that maybe Ivy just hates everyone named Michael indiscriminately? It’s like she can’t keep track of who she actually dislikes, so she just assumes everyone named Michael is hilariously inept. If she were paired with Michael Kors, she’d spend the whole episode bitching about how awful he was.

I can’t tell what Kors tells Michael D. because I was at the bottom of the page and my handwriting is cramped and illegible. It looks like he says “careful that asshole. Koog surly enuf so isn’t black person,” but that makes no sense, and is kind of racist to boot, so I’m pretty sure that’s not what he said. Anyway, there’s something about a “matron sack” on the next page, so let’s assume that’s part of it.

He worries that Andy’s look is time consuming, and doesn’t get the blue in Val’s look, telling her she keeps going back to colors no one likes. Ouch.

Model time! Michael D. says he sucks at sewing what Ivy’s designed, and feels terrible. Valerie calls her mother. Don’t do it, Val! Commercial.

Back. Atlas apartments. Day of runway. Everyone in one of the guys’ apartments talks about how the twist freaked them out at first, but it’s going well now. In the girls’ apartment, Ivy doesn’t trust Michael D. He doesn’t want to feel like a “complete doo-doo head.” It’s nice when their language level matches their maturity otherwise.

Workroom! Tim sends in their models for two hours of product placement.



Valerie has taken some of Kors’ advice on the color. Casanova thinks his look will be awesome, telling Gretchen that her “con strok shon is flawless. Your sense of glamour is ah-may-ssssing.” Christopher adapts the shorts to cover the model’s (and April’s) asses. Michael d. worries that his skillz aren’t up to Ivy’s design. Ivy warns us that she’s turning into her mother “and you don’t want to see a Korean get angry.”

Product placement! There’s lots of tanning in the L’Oreal Paris Makeup salon, and some “sophisticated volume” applied in the handlebar moustache man hair salon.

Tim tells the designers to take possession of the garment they designed, because there’s now ten minutes to the runway. Michael D. interviews that his piece looks fab and Ivy’s looks like “bleep” and he feels awful. Commercial.

Runway! Heidi hallos them, and does her usual Heidi math trick of subtracting one from the number of designers. Their judges are Kors, Nina, and “stylish American actress Kristen Bell.” So let’s start the show!


Michael C’s outfit is a green and gold print lamé jumpsuit last seen on a P.J. doll back in the late ‘70s. But that said, it’s pretty fucking hot for what it is. Mondo’s is a bizarre striped bikini and a green print jacket. Michael D.’s is a black gown with an asymmetrical top. It’s neat, but it doesn’t exactly scream “resort” to me. Ivy has made grey palazzo pants and a sea foam green tank. It is a giant yawn of an outfit, and that has everything to do with the design and the fabric choices, and nothing to do with the construction.

Christopher’s is a draped green patterned tank with some tan Bermudas. April is a sheer black coverup over a black bikini with boyshorts. “She looks sooo sexual,” April tells us.

Casanova’s is some tan pants and an awful ivory top. Gretchen’s is a tan and brown high waisted jumpsuit that creates an effect we can only describe as “bubbly muffin top.” Valerie’s is a patterned coochie short under a beige toga. We finish with Andy’s, which is a HOT purple and grey toga over an amazing monokini.


Heidi calls Andy, Casanova, Mondo, April, Ivy, and Michael D. Everyone else is. . .safe. Commercial.

Back! Heidi tells Andy, April, and Michael D. that they’re in the top, so they’ll be talking to them first. The others head back to the green room.

April briefly discusses the “dark inspiration” for her look, and that the idea was that her model had been captured. Kors says it looks like her, and describes it as a “tough punk baby doll.” Kristen Bell loves the outfit, because she often describes herself as a tough baby doll.

Heidi thinks Andy’s is very commercial, and looks like something a hot woman would wear on a boat. Nina thinks it looks sophisticated and expensive, and Kors says it’s exciting and glamorous.

Michael D. praises Ivy’s craftsmanship. Ivy takes this opportunity to bitch about how Michael doesn’t know how garments go on and off. Jesus. What a bitch.

Moving to the bottom group, Nina says his outfit is “very disappointing” and looks like something inexpensive and junior. Kristen Bell wants to see more of an idea. Kors says it looks like a “weird assembling of ideas from Forever 21 from the sale rack.” Mondo and Michael C. defend each other, which is nice to see since we’re in for some more Ivy bitching.

Sigh.

Ivy talks about her pallet being inspired by the ocean, and claims to have had to edit her look to the limits of Michael D’s skill. Kors says she’s the one who locked him in with the awful fabric choices, and the fit is a yawn. Nina wonders if Ivy has the ideas to be a designer.

Seeing an opportunity, Michael C. butts in and says that Ivy can be bossy. Heidi accuses Ivy of throwing Michael D. under the bus. Ivy insists that she’s not, and Heidi and Kristen Bell point out that yes, in fact, she is.

Casanova loves his look, and says it’s not intentional that “I’m making stoff catered to my gran’ mother.” He also tells them he welcomes their critiques.

Ok, look. They hate it. I really can’t say more than that.

The designers go back to the green room. Mondo and Michael C. sit with their arms around each other. Michael D. mentions having given Ivy permission to throw him under the bus.


Deliberations. The judges have a brief love fest for the top three. Then they move to the bottom. Mondo’s was just random awful clothes you could find at K-mart. Ivy’s was “awful” and there was no design there. Plus, she threw Michael D. under the bus. They think she’s a seamstress and nothing more. And Casanova can only design for hookers and their grannies.

Commercial.

Back. One of them will be the winner. . .and one of them will be out.

Michael D. is safe. He interviews that he’s actually glad he didn’t win because of the whole team situation.

Heidi tells April that her look was exciting. Andy’s was versatile, effortless, and well made. And the winner is. .. April! YAY!!! I love her. (I did think Andy's outfit was better, though)


Andy is also in. Mondo is in.

So it’s down to Poison Ivy and Casanova. Ivy made a lot of excuses and placed a lot of blame. Casanova’s look couldn’t have been further from resort wear.

Ivy is in, but they encourage her to wow them next time.
Casanova is out. We’re treated to a Casanova montage, which is beautiful and includes a lot of “Essaktlies.”


Tim comes in and asks Casanova “what are we going to do without you?” “I leeve vairy close from here,” Casanova assures him.

We get some final philosophizing from our little friend. “Een life, every thing is about opportunities,” and how you either have to grab the balls of something or have your balls grabbed. “I have to say I grab the ball of New Jork.”

Next time: Jackie, bitches. That's all you really need to know.