Project Runway: They Finish 2 Looks in 2 Days; it takes me 3 to write the recap

Au revoir, Ivy
Your crappy ocean waves dress
Future not so “bright.”

I know, I know, I know. I am late late late late late, and I didn’t even bother to warn you this time, and you’re never going to forgive me, and you hope I die a horrible fire-y death and . .

Let me take a minute to explain.

First, on Thursday, instead of watching Project Runway with my usual hilarious group, I went to the 40th birthday party of a member of that hilarious group. And I was led to believe that there would at least be passed apps or something, so I didn’t eat much before going, and I thought I’d be able to eat there and get home by 10 and knock out a recap and you all would be none the wiser.

But there were no passed apps. There were pretzel sticks, and peanut M&Ms, and a great deal of Kendall Jackson Chardonnay. So by the time I got home (at 10:30) I was . . .not in a position to do any typing.

Friday I went to a work happy hour, and then I got home and meant to watch Project Runway, but it seemed nicer to watch all of the sitcoms I’d DVRed throughout the week, especially Modern Family and Community and 30 Rock.

Saturday I got a cat. Between that and going to the 40th birthday party on Thursday, this is probably the most spinsterish post I’ve ever written – and that is SAYING something. I will gladly show you pictures of said cat at some point, once cat emerges from under my bed while I’m in the house (right now Cat is coming out only to eat while I’m gone, and I only know this because food is absent from the various food stations I have posted throughout the apartment when I get home. I am very worried about the whole poop situation).

So with all this, I’ve been a bit wrapped up. And as a result, as I was saying to Tim Gunn a moment ago when a friend of mine “outed” me as blogging about the show and Tim Gunn asked if I was listed through Blogging Project Runway, I am running very, very late this week.

Tim Gunn said he was running late this week too, though, so I don’t feel too bad about that.

(God, my hair looks tragic in that picture, but I hope you can tell that we both find each other thoroughly charming, amusing, and well dressed)

I also told him that he shouldn’t read it anyway, because I come across as a horribly negative person, and that the only people I consistently liked were him and Swatch.

(And yes, I just did a fly through of a Tim Gunn centric event and then rolled out before I had a claustrophobic panic attack in the tiny club we were in. Again, most spinsterish entry ever).

Morning! New York! Atlas apartments. Gretchen makes weird cat noises as she wakes up, and reflects on how well liked Michael D. was. Mondo and Christopher aren’t thrilled by having to move in with Michael C. and Andy. Ivy talks about how Valerie is broken now, and Valerie talks about how Ivy is her best friend in the group. I know I love it when my best friend says I’m broken.

Andy is glad to have Christopher and Mondo moving in, because it’s just been him and Michael C. in the apartment for awhile, and he’s glad to have roommates he can “trust” again. He puts so much weight into the word “trust” that I stagger around under its load, wondering what in hell it means. We’ve been told several times this season that the other designers don’t LIKE Michael C, but now they don’t TRUST him? What does this mean???

Runway. Heidi emerges from the stasis chamber where she lives on Botox and Wheatabix between episodes to chirp her usual “hallo,” at them. Even this seems a more subdued “hallo” than usual. Something is amiss in Project Runwayworld (which is a border country to Electric Ladyland). Anyway, she says that she’s going to let Tim fill them in on all the details of the next challenge, but she’ll give them a little hint “if you win the next challenge, you’ll be taking home a big chunk of change.”

Ugh, she becomes less useful with each week that passes.

The designers head for the workroom hoping to find someone who can provide them with actual information about what they’re supposed to do instead of fortune cookie fortunes. As luck would have it, they are greeted by Tim Gunn and Ubiquitous Chief L’Oreal Dude Collier Strong (shoot – I was kind of hoping handlebar moustache man was taking his place). Tim tells them that they’ll be designing a high fashion look for a L’Oreal Paris Advertorial – “ a serious WOW moment.”

Michael C. talks about how huge this is. Mondo likes this challenge because it gives him room to be over the top. The Advertorial will appear, of course, in Marie Claire magazine, and the winner will receive something unprecedented. . .

TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.

(and this is where I very much want the cat to come out from under the bed, because I would like to photoshop a picture of Dr. Evil and Mr. Bigglesworth so that their heads were Tim Gunn’s and my new cats. And also because that way I would KNOW WHAT THE POOP SITUATION WAS).

Anyway, the designers are understandably thrilled about the prospect of winning that much money for the same amount of work that they normally do for nothing more than a few words of praise from Nina and Heidi. Mondo has never made more than $12,000 a year.

Collier Strong says some things about eye color duos, because they’ll be using one of the eye shadow finishes as their inspiration. Mondo gets to choose first and he takes bright. Christopher goes with Crystal. April goes with Matte. Michael C. takes metallic. Ivy takes bright so she can show the judges she can use color. Valerie takes crystal. And Gretchen takes “a serious risk” and goes with velvet. Andy takes metallic.

They have 30 minutes to stretch and $300 at Mood. And they’ll have two days for the challenge. This is the most exciting part of it all for Valerie.

Sketching. Gretchen thinks what the judges are looking for now is “can we be true designers?” Gretchen lives her life in t-shirt slogans. Mondo’s dress is based on a kaleidoscope. Ivy is making a blue gown.

Mood! Swatch! Swatch gives them all a stern lecture about being strategic before they head out for fabric flurry. Valerie is looking for “flowy and defined fabrics.” Mondo looks for fabrics he’s attracted to. Tim and Swatch frolic in the aisles.

No, I am not making this up. This is not one of those times when I have to make up long conversations between Tim and Swatch about how lame all of the designers are, and then Tim and Swatch sing a duet of “There’s a Place for Us” with all of the lyrics changed to be about fashion.
Tim and Swatch actually frolic in the aisles of Mood. BEST EPISODE EVER. Thank you Mood! Bye, Swatch!

Workroom. Andy mumbles something to Gretchen about a modern but futuristic type of warrior girl. April wants to work fast even though it’s a two day challenge because “you never know.”(FORESHADOWING!!)

Valerie regrets having chosen silk. Ivy thinks she’s a very good designer, and plans to do a lot of hand pleating. Gretchen apparently owns the colors that Michael C. is using, and bitches about Michael C. also using it. She’s insulted that “boundaries were crossed.” Oh god, this is so dumb it makes high school look like . . .the U.N. or something. Whatever the diplomatic opposite of high school is.

Commercial.

Back. Gretchen continues bitching about how Michael C “replicates” and doesn’t have a point of view. April sensibly points out that their palettes might be similar, but their pieces would be “worlds apart.”

Then they have a makeup consultation with Collier Strong. There’s a lot of product placement and some weird makeup effects since this is their chance to do over the top things.

Workroom! Tim thru! He checks with Valerie, who is doing some sort of shoulder and bias effect and hand sewing crystals. Christopher says it doesn’t look avant garde, but Tim says it’s “incredibly ambitious.” He tells Mondo to “go big,” and says he believes in April. Andy says a fighter in him has been awakened by the last challenge. Tim asks if he’s taking it far enough. Gretchen was thinking “kimono or caftany” but Tim says it’s looking “very much like a robe.” Ivy’s is too literal and in danger of becoming a “pageant gown.”

Gretchen tells Mondo that Tim told her that this challenge would “solidify some peoples’ futures,” and that she believes in her heart that the two of them are supposed to be at fashion week. Gross.

Model fittings! Valerie hasn’t sewn a piece yet. Michael C. has a mostly finished gown for his fitting. Andy is fitting his model’s head for a skullcap so he can do his head piece. Mondo runs into problems with his model’s total lack of boobage, and he has to take the bodice in so much it “looks like crap.”

An hour to end of day. Mondo has to start his bodice over. Commercial!

Back! Atlas Apartments! Day 2! April only got 5 hours of sleep. Valerie says they’re “creatively, physically, emotionally spent.” Mondo is way behind and freaking out.

Workroom! Mondo rips some fabric. Gretchen has three more pieces of skirting to finish up. April says two days makes her feel like she has time to execute.

Tim enters, and tells them he’s loathe to present what he’s about to present. . .but sincerely believes it will help each of them. Since so few people can sustain a brand based on high fashion looks, they must also create a ready-to-wear companions to their looks. They have $15 minutes to sketch and $100 at Mood. They have until midnight that night and the usual amount of time in the morning to finish both looks.

Gretchen stands there with her mouth open like a hooked bass.

Sketching! April feels like she’s in a good place compared to the other designers who have a ton left to do. Mondo doesn’t know if he has a game plan. Andy is adapting his RTW look from the patterns he’s already drafted. Ivy hopes her speed sewing will help her.

Mood!!! Everyone goes racing through the aisles. Mondo wants stretch fabric. Ivy is buying the same fabric she bought yesterday. Valerie is overwhelmed and moving like a snail. She tells Swatch he’s living the good life since he doesn’t have to make any dresses today. Swatch chews thoughtfully on a toy. I’m pretty sure he agrees with her.

The designers talk about what they would do with the $20,000. April would put part to her student loans and buy a miniature pony. Gretchen wants to pay off some credit card companies. Mondo needs some drinkin’ money. I like his and April’s plans best.

Tim thru 2! Valerie doesn’t feel confident. She doesn’t want to be called out for something she’s not wild about. He tells her that even though she has a vision and doesn’t want to compromise it, she doesn’t have the time. She heads to the ladies’ room to cry. Ivy and Gretchen follow her, because there’s nothing more reassuring than having two witchypoos and their mic packs follow you when you’re trying to have a cry in the john. Commercial.

Back! We’re still in the ladies’ room. Ivy tells Valerie she’s just exhausted, but she’s glad the two witchypoos came to talk about it. Ivy bitches in an interview about how much Valerie complains. Valerie decides it’s time to stop talking and focus.

They wonder who will wear their second look. And in come some of the previous eliminated models to wear their second looks. Ivy’s model is larger than the measurements she got.

End of second day. Ivy is worried because she hasn’t finished her couture look.
Day of Runway show! Atlas apartments! The girls are nervous. Ivy feels like she bit off more than she can chew. Valerie thinks putting the crystals on will take awhile, but she’s over feeling sad about it. The boys grouse about how Valerie had a breakdown and her work is the same every week.

Workroom! Mondo is “going to have to time management myself like crazy.” Andy is worried about having time to do the jacket and headpiece.

Tim arrives and sends in their models for the usual blah blah L’Oreal blah blah Garnier blah blah Piperlime and so on.

Michael C. thinks Gretchen’s “velvet dress with beige feathers” is “dated old and dreadful.” Gretchen thinks Michael C.’s train is “trouble.”

The models go to the handlebar moustache man’s makeup studio and the hair salon. Gretchen is wearing a hideous turquoise cuff.

Workroom! Ten minutes to runway! Ivy is freaking out. Mondo hopes that he did his best work since he was under stress. Tim herds them down to the runway. Ivy thinks her construction is a disaster and hopes she gets by. Valerie chirps something about shoes and Tim tells her to just go. Commercial.

Back! Heidi hallos them again, reminds them that the winner will receive $20,000 and be featured in an advertorial. The judges are Kors (hey guys) Nina (hi everyone) and Naeem Khan (hello guys).


Let’s start the show!

April’s high fashion look is kind of like an equestrienne stripper, but hot. The RTW is a little black dress with a little black ruffle jacket. Mondo’s high fashion look is a black gown with a mad Harlequin explosion of colors built out from all angles. The RTW is this very chic little lack dress with a black and white panel down the front.


Ivy’s high fashion look is a slobberific ice blue mess. Her RTW is a sad little blue cocktail dress. Michael C’s high fashion look is a fairly standard bordeaux coloured gown with a train. His RTW is a cocktail with a peplum in the same fabric. . .with this season’s must use accessory, the ass zipper.

Christopher’s dress.. .ugh, I hate it. There’s illusion fabric involved, that’s al you need to know. His RTW is a white cocktail with a rose stripe down the center. Gretchen has made a velvet bathrobe which she calls “the best work I’ve ever done.” Her RTW, though, is kind of cute, though it does tend toward the ‘70’s drapey-ness I hate about her work.

Valerie’s dress is a white thing with a silver sprout coming out the shoulder. Her RTW is a black halter dress. She’s just glad to have finished. And we close with Andy, who’s couture look is INSANE, but fierce – pants and a very armorial looking jacket. I could do without the head thing. His RTW is a completely boring black dress with some shimmery panels down the sides.


Heidi tells Christopher and April that they’re safe. The rest are all either in the top or the bottom. Commercial.

Back! Let’s find out who was highest and who was lowest: Ivy, Valerie, and Michael were in the bottom. The judges are going to talk to the winners first. The losers head back to the green room. April is surprised that Gretchen is in the top. Valerie thinks they’ll like her RTW more than her high fashion look.

So we start with Gretchen. Kors thinks her high fashion dress is very wearable. Heidi loves the back, and would like to see more beading and detail in the front. Khan also wants more emphasis in the front. Kors thinks the hair makes it feel costumey. See, I thought it was all the feathers and shit that did that.

Andy explains his “metallic” looks. Khan likes the way he’s kept to his vision through both looks, and loves the cocktail dress. Kors thinks the translation works brilliantly, and loves the “boot-pants” on the high fashion look.

Mondo explains his kaleidoscope idea, and how the day look was the absolute opposite. Heidi loves the hat. So does Khan, and he thinks Mondo was bold to use all the stripes. Kors thinks the gown is too short in the front, but thinks the back is “dreamy” and very glamorous. Khan thinks the cocktail dress is simple, wearable, and beautiful.

They head back to the greenroom and send back the horrible people. Let’s talk about their horribleness. Ivy explains that her look was inspired by the beaches in Hawaii. Kors thinks they look like “bridesmaids under the sea” and points out that all three of the bottom have a “bridesmaid pageant problem.” Nina has problems with the fit on both dresses. Khan says the look is overkill in every way. Heidi thought the back was better than the front, and tells us she didn’t hate it as much as the others. To this, Khan says “hm” with a curious air to it, perhaps realizing that this person is capable of embracing levels of tacky he had not previously known were possible.


Moving to Valerie, she talks about her inspiration being Audrey Hepburn in both Breakfast at Tiffany’s and My Fair Lady? Khan says she was unimaginative and tried to force the fabric. Nina thinks the high fashion dress looks like “Miss Guatemala.” “That’s where my family’s from, actually,” Valerie explains. Kors finds the shoulder hoop whacky, and says she needs a wand to go with it. And then he makes some lame comments about how lame the RTW dress is.

Michael explains the use of shapes in both dresses, and how he wanted them to be “simple and easy and not too over the top.” He reminds them that he’s never been in the bottom before. Khan says he worked with the fabric well. Heidi – HEIDI – of all people, tells him he needs to choose “boobs or legs.”

Let’s review what Frau Seal wore to the Emmys recently, shall we.

And then Michael Kors says his usual stuff about blah blah costume challenge blah blah curtains from Tara blah blahh blah.

Deliberation. They love that Andy did pants, and Kors thought his day dress was chic. Mondo embraces color and makes it work. Kors thinks the RTW would be commercially successful because it makes you look skinnier. And then they talk about how much they like Gretchen’s negligee.

On the reverse end, the others were all old fashioned. Michael kept going too far until it looked like the model was dragging the bolt of fabric behind her. Valerie’s high end dress is unsalvageable and her styling is horrific, and the black dress, according to Kors, is like a Xanax. And Ivy’s was tragic. Khan hates the asymmetrical lines on the bustier. Kors thinks Ivy consistently bites off more than she can chew. Commercial.

Back! Mondo. . .is the winner again, and gets $20,000 from L’Oreal, which is nice because before the competition, he had $14 in his bank account. So now he has $20,014. Christopher and April hug him. “Will you buy me a little pony?” April asks.


Andy is in. Gretchen is in. Michael is in.

So it’s down to Ivy and Valerie. Valerie didn’t have a clear concept and made “unfortunate” choices. Ivy’s dresses disappointed them.

Ivy. . .is out. Valerie opens and shuts her mouth a few times like she doesn’t know what to say. But she’s in, nonetheless.

She goes back to the green room, feeling stunned – she was prepared to leave and felt like it should’ve been her. But it’s not.

Ivy cries about how she’s going to really miss designing. It’s like she thinks they’re going to force her to quit forever. Valerie cries that she wishes she could go home for her. Well. . .she could, if she went back out and told them she was dropping out, but she doesn’t do that. Oh well. On her way out, she tells Valerie to stay strong and stop complaining so much.

And then we get to see Mondo’s Advertorial shoot with Collier Strong. “it’s good to dream and work hard, because it does pay off,” he tells us. Especially on a reality show, where things literally pay off with $20,000 prizes.

Next! We’re bringing back the HP challenge from last season. Fabric design. Mondo’s print is very Mondo! Stories behind things! And then the DVR stopped.