Top Chef: Congratumalations. . .Kevin??

Well, so that happened.
For fish, duck, and a fruit cup
Kevin is Top Chef?

So. . .that would’ve been a shocker.. . .if his job hadn’t been posted as open almost a month ago, and he hadn’t tweeted about looking for restaurant space. These are the actions of a man with money in his pockets – like $125K in his pockets, maybe.

But really, I’m ah. . .well. . . .

I would really like to get all het up about this, my gorbals. I would like to be able to be able to feel some sort of profound indignation that Kevin, with his dazzling record of one elimination challenge win, three further high places, and no quickfire wins, managed to beat out Ed (3; 3; 3) and Angelo (2;2;4). That Kevin, who was in the bottom 5 times, beat out Ed (2) and Angelo (2).

And if it was any other season, I’d be livid that Kevin, that mass of yeasty dough, managed to win.

But. . .he the guys he beat out were another mass of yeasty dough and the skidmark on an old man’s BVD’s, so I can’t get too worked up on it.

And it seems perfect, in some way, that the moist fart of the DC season has ended with the moist fart of Kevin being named Top Chef. It’s an ending that fits.

Ultimately, it comes down to this: these shows are single elimination contests. So ultimately, what matters is being good enough to make it through to the end, and then impressing the judges the most on the last night. With that kind of system, every once in a while you’re going to end up with a dramatic upset (I’m looking at you, Herpsea) where someone who piddled along throughout manages to unseat much stronger competitors. And sometimes, like this season, you’re going to end up with three middling drips who managed to stumble past a field of other middling drips, and then the most middling of all the drips manages to skid past the others to victory.

And it’s over, thank god. Whatever else, it’s over. They can have him do his one courtesy appearance next season, and then he can disappear like that manky toothed douche who won two seasons back. What was that fartface named again?

(that one, by the way, still gets my blood pressure up).

Anyway. Let’s start the show.

We pick up right where we left off – with Kelly leaving and the world’s most mediocre top 3 looking at the judges, about to hear about some sort of epic OMG CRAYZEE twist. But before that: Ed interviews that he has no reason to be nervous about anything. Kevin is tired and wants to go to bed. And Padma invites them back to judges’ table. And now we’re right back where we left off.

Padma tells them they’ve all earned their place in the finale, and because they want them to have time to plan their final meal, they’ll be cooking the meal of their life in four courses. The first must be a vegetable; second fish; third will be meat, and their proteins for the second and third courses will be chosen by Tom and Eric. Their fourth course MUST be a dessert.

Kevin tells us he’s very comfortable making desserts because his parents were bakers and his wife is a pastry chef or something. Padma tells them they’ve flown in some additional hands to help. . .which is hardly a surprise. The only real question is will their helpers be their former competitors or chefs from past seasons (remember Season 4 when they gave them famous chefs as their sous? That was novel. I’m waiting for the season when they bring in former Top Chef Masters contestants. That will be gooood).

Anyway, their helpers are Michael V., Ilan, and Hung. Yay! It’s like they on purpose flew in the three most contentious, controversial winners (except for that one guy whose existence no one wants to acknowledge – what was his name again?) to pair with the most contentious Top 3… .or something. Anyway. Kevin and Michael worked together 10 years ago, so they have both a work relationship and a friendship. Kevin and Ed both want Michael; Angelo wants Hung.

Poor Ilan. Nobody wants you. Nobody wants to eat your hairy Gorbals.

Anyway. The current cheftestants draw knives to see who they’re stuck with who they get the pleasure of working with. Ed gets Ilan, who he doesn’t know too much about other than the fact that he won. Oh, Ed. Trust me, baby – the less you know about Ilan Hall, the better off you are. Kevin gets Michael, the most popular girl at the dance. They hug. And Angelo gets his much desired Hung.

Seetoh tells them “sock it to me” as his final words as guest judge. Ok.. . .

Back at their Hilton Shanghai product placement branded living quarters, the boys all sit around the suite getting to know each other. But. . . Angelo feels like garbage. Hung or someone tells him to drink ginger tea. He opts for a good night’s sleep and hopes he’ll be better in the morning.

The past winners give Ed and Kevin some advice, including Ilan’s warning not to try anything new. Ed thinks his dad will be stoked if he wins Top Chef. Kevin says him winning wouldn’t be just for him but for his wife, his dad, his mother who passed away. . .his dog, his Rat, his homies, his 3rd grade teacher, his peoples who lost their grandmothers, his Gorbals, his secret Voltaggio altar of shame. ..

You get the picture, right?

Next morning. Ed and Kevin talk about how awful Angelo looks. Angelo is cowering in bed saying it feels like someone’s stabbing him in the stomach and he’s in such pain he can’t even open his eyes. But he doesn’t want to give up. A doctor is coming to see him. Kevin hopes he’ll be alright because he wants to compete against the best, which in his mind means Angelo.

Dr. Gary Chee comes to see Angelo, who’s been vomiting. Dr. Chee tells him he can’t shorten the duration of the illness, but still gives him a 20% chance of being well enough to cook the next morning. Commercial!

Back! The chefs, minus Angelo, enter a kitchen at the Shanghai Hilton. Kevin speculates that Angelo could go home and Kelly could come back. But they’ve set up a phone relay where Angelo will direct Hung via phone. Ed thinks Angelo should get his ass together and get out of bed and cook.

Protein time. Tom and Eric introduce the fish they’ve brought for them: Red Mullet (Rouget), Cuttlefish, Cockles, and Slipper Lobsters. Ed doesn’t want the rouget because of the bones. For meat, there’s pork belly and duck. The rules are that they have to feature the rouget and the duck, AND incorporate the other proteins.


Shopping! VivoMart? $300. Kevin decides to listen to Mike’s suggestions but still do what he’s going to do. Ilan cautions Ed to have something richer as his first course and just generally is very Ilan-esque and gives a bunch of advice. Ed vows not to make a bad decision like past seasons where they listened to the sous chefs too much.

A prone Angelo calls Hung and talks him through things they’re going to cook, including a duck and foie gras marshmallow. Oh, two of my favorite words in the universe are “foie gras” and “marshmallow.” Hung vows to do his best as sous chef to carry out Angelo’s vision.


Hilton kitchen! 3 hours to prep. Hung morphs back into the Hung we know and love from season 3 and dashes around crazily. Kevin is still sad that Hung is doing Angelo’s work because he wants to compete against the best. Somehow, for Kevin, competing against someone who’s actually won the competition before, back when it still had traces of legitimacy, is not as good as competing against an egocentric grease slick who won a whopping 2 elimination challenges in your season.

Hung takes all the foie gras. The other chefs are pissed. Ed says “even though he’s sick, you gotta watch out for Angelo.”

I hope that when they make a movie of Top Chef, Joseph Mascolo plays Angelo. Because I really want to see him doing his “Stefano plotting while watching his plans play out on closed circuit TV” routine here. “Yesssss, Hung. Yessss, my pawn. Though I have a catastrophic migraine, I am still directing you to steal all the foie gras. Ha-ha-ha-ha.”

We hear a breakdown of Kevin’s planned courses, but we’ll get to that later on, as usual. Ed is impressed by how much Hung is getting done on his own. Kevin feels bad for ‘the lone Hung.” I want to see the Lone Hung in a Last of the Mohicans/Indian with the single tear style pose as he mourns the loss of Angelo. This is for my peoples who just lost their executive chefs. . .

Ed struggles with getting Ilan to make “the corn soup the way I want him to make it.” And we hear a rundown of his menu. He’s letting Ilan do the dessert, even though his dessert won the last challenge “is a fried banana going to win me the title of Top Chef? I don’t think so.” Yeah, but did Ilan ever win a dessert challenge? I don’t think so (I’m not going to swear to it in court or anything, because it’s been years now, but I really don’t think so). This is why you need to do your research before going on a reality show.

Back at the hotel, Hung is trying to call Angelo, who is occupied getting an injection of some sort from Dr. Chee. Dr. Chee warns him that he may not be 100% for 3-5 days, or a week. Commercial.

Back! Flowers! Market! Singapore! Asians! Ed is zjujing his hair and wearing a very beige polo shirt. Beige is the last color Ed should wear – it just contributes to his overall lumpen monochromaticness (and I promise, once we ease into the Just Desserts/Project Runway schedule, I’ll spend a whole post explaining my fear of monochromatic people to you). Kevin joins him at the breakfast table, having no idea what’s going to happen with Angelo.

Angelo is fully dressed, but still in bed being monitored by Dr. Chee. Dr. Chee deems him “pretty good,” since he has no fever and minimal abdominal tenderness. He’s cleared to cook! I kind of want to cue up “Centerfield” here-- put him in, coach. Angelo compares this to “a rain shower that just passes through,” and thinks it’s time to “jump into my cape” and be the chef he knows he can be. Apparently the chef he knows he can be is impervious to the potential fire hazard of wearing a cape in the kitchen.

Ed thinks it would’ve been cool if it was just him and Kevin, but has beaten Angelo twice and is confident he can do it again. That’s kind of a douchey thing to say, and they’ve clearly used it just to contrast with Kevin’s constant “I want to compete against the best!” babbling.

Kitchen! 3 hours to prep at the Jim Thompson Restaurant. Kevin’s glad that Angelo’s ok, because he thinks competition breeds better competition.

Angelo struggles to catch up from the day he missed, but is blessed to have Hung the “speed demon” working for him. He thinks his menu could be “a trillion times better” if he’d had the extra day, but is working with what he has. Ed continues to have little boring mini-clashes with Ilan. Seriously, if you can’t generate a legitimate, interesting conflict with Ilan Hall, the giant festering nad booger on the face and/or taint of Top Chef history, you’re just not trying. Anyway. Kevin thinks the judges will know he’s taking risks, and hopes they’ll pay off.

2 hours left. Angelo shows Hung his plating diagrams. We get a breakdown of Angelo’s menu plan. He wants to sacrifice every part of himself to be Top Chef. He should’ve brought that to the Voltaggio altar, then – that’s where the sacrifices go. Especially those made in gold and/or virgins.

23 minutes? Angelo reflects on how convoluted Ed’s food is. Ed thinks Kevin and Angelo’s food looks more artistic, but his tastes more complete. Kevin has been “dreaming, thinking living and dying” for this meal the last few months. Oh Kevin. I’d like to say “don’t dream it, be it.” I’d even MORE like to say “don’t drink it – I peed in it,” but whatever.

Diners enter. 4:45. Ripert fills them in on the fact that “zee main ingreed-y-ants, ‘az been selected at zee markait by Tom and I?” Everyone laughs, confused by this strange, good looking man, and his strange, wonderfu accent, and his ending this sentence with an upward inflection when it is clearly not a question.

Angelo then gives us the quote of the night: “Ed and I were just pushin’ like animals, but it’s time for the fall of his dynasty, and it’s time for me to reclaim the promised land. The story needs to end with me bein’ Top Chef. “

I want to write a rock opera based on that quotation. Hell, that quotation is pretty much a rock opera all on its own.

Time! Servers take the first dish out and Padma welcomes the chefs. Among other diners, Dana Cowin, Paul Bartolotta, Ripert, and David Chang are all there.

They begin with the vegetable dishes: Angelo’s Pickled Royale Mushrooms, Char Siu Bao Pork Belly, Noodles, and Watermelon Tea. Kevin has made an Eggplant, Zucchini, and Pepper Terrine, Tomatoes, Jalapenos, and Sweet Soy Reduction with Ginger Oil. Finally we have Ed’s Chilled Summer Corn Veloute with Fried Black Cockles and Silan.

Iggy Chan gives Angelo credit for being extreme in terms of the flavors, but tom thinks the dish needs work. Susan Feniger (yayyyyyyy, oh my god, it’s Susan Feniger! I love her!! I didn’t realize until now just how much I’d missed her!!!!) …

. . .anyway, Susan says Kevin’s dish doesn’t have enough Umph for her, but David Chang likes it, saying it takes a lot of balls to do vegetable terrine as the first course. Vincent Bourdin says “Ed’s deesh was zee best for me,” and Ripert agrees: “I like zee veloute; I seenk he execute eet well.”

Fish course prep! Angelo is trying to keep on top of his dehydration and finds it hard to work. They introduce their fish dishes: Angelo’s Sautéed Rouget, Olive Poached Cuttle Fish with "Asian Style" Bouillabaisse; Kevin’s Rouget, Cuttlefish Noodles, Pork Belly, Cockles, Slipper Lobster and Cigala; and Ed’s Stuffed Rouget and Glazed Slipper Lobster, Cuttlefish with Zucchini Pesto, Toasted Pine Nuts. Dana Cowin finds Kevin’s dish interesting. Seetoh thinks Ed’s dish is very complicated and says he needs a user manual. Ripert likes Angelo’s broth and Bartolotta thinks that’s the dish they’ll remember.

Meat prep! Kevin is worried that he may not have time to perfect his course. Ed worries about overcooking the duck. Angelo freaks about a plating issue. His dish is Sautéed Duck Breast and Foie Gras with Marshmallow, Daikon-Ginger Salad and a Tart Cherry Shooter. Kevin’s is Roasted Duck Breast with Duck Dumpling, Caramelized Bok Choy, and Coriander Sauce. And Ed has made a Duck Two Ways: Roasted Breast and Braised Stuffed Neck with Baby Spinach and Duck Jus.

Gail reflects that things look beautiful. Bartolotta thinks Kevin’s is the best cooked duck of the three, and Ripert thinks the bok choy is nice. Susan Feniger loves Angelo’s dish. Bartolotta doesn’t understand the shot to the side. Padma loves the flavors in Ed’s dish. Ripert says he’s not surprised that these three guys made it to the finale.

Oh, Eric, my love. You are the only one in the world who’s not surprised by that.

5 minutes for dessert prep. Ed is worried about Ilan’s dessert and whipped cream. Commercial!

Back! Dessert time! Angelo introduces his Thai Jewel: Coconut-Vanilla bream and Crushed Ice with Exotic Fruits, Yam Taro, and Saffron Syrup. Kevin’s is a “Singapore Sling 2010” -- Frozen Singapore Sling with Tropical Fruits; and Ed’s is a Sticky Toffee Date Pudding with Fleur De Sel Crème Chantilly "A La Ilan”. “A La Ilan,” of course, is code for “my sous chef totally made this. Do not try to pin this one on me. Unless it’s good.”

Gail says there’s more to Kevin’s dish than meets the eye. Iggy Chan says he’s created their national dessert. Gail finds Angelo’s comforting. David Chang thinks Ed’s dessert is hilarious and kind of a “fuck you.” Gail says all 3 guys got down and dirty with their desserts.

Back in the kitchen, Angelo’s glad he’s gotten a chance to work with Hung. Ed’s worried that Kevin might win. Kevin thinks it’ll be a tough decision for the judges. Michael Voltaggio tells them ‘that was the second best food I’ve ever seen on Top Chef.” Oh god, I’ve missed him. I still want to lick him.

The chefs go to the dining room for some applause, and Padma and her giant Snooki-pouf thank them and tell them they’ll see them at judges’ table.

Judges’ Table! Tom thought there were some really good dishes. Eric says his table had a good time.

The chefs enter. Padma thanks them for an amazing meal, and Tom says it’s been a pleasure to watch them.

They start with Angelo’s seafood course. Gail thought it was smart to do something he was familiar with and embrace the ingredients here. Padma is curious about the cherry puree “palate cleanser” which coated every corner of her mouth. Angelo tries to explain it, but Tom says dishes shouldn’t come with so much instruction.

They move to Ed’s duck dish, which Tom liked. Gail thought the spinach had a lot of flavor. She also thinks that Ed’s dessert felt like him – that it said “I’m not going to try to be anything I’m not and it’s not going to look like anything much, but just eat it because you’ll enjoy it.”

Ok, Gail? Love you, but: that is the backhanded compliment of the year. “Your dish was great. It was like you . .. in that it was plain looking and seemed defensive about that.” I mean, it’s better than my critique, which would likely have been “your dish is lumpen and monochromatic, just like you,” but not by much.

Anyway, Tom didn’t get that at all – he liked the salt and the sweet, but says that in a close competition, it’s not going to win because he could make it at home. Ed makes lame excuses, which don’t seem to include the fact that he totally abdicated dessert and left it to the tender mercies of Ilan Hall and his pet gorbals.

They move to Kevin’s vegetable course. Eric Ripert says his dish didn’t have “zee spy-see-ness” he wanted. Tom thought his duck dish was cooked nicely. Kevin throws Angelo under the bus for hogging the foie gras. Gail says she’ll take his Singapore sling over the original any day, and Ripert found it “vairy refraishing.”

They send the chefs out to the schmancy Singapore stew room, where they mutter excuses.

Deliberation. Gail says this was one of their best finales. HAH. Oh Gail. Why must you lie like that? Padma thinks it was fun to see 3 different takes o n the same ingredients. Ok, that I'll agree with -- I think that in a season with even the bare minimum of actual talent, that would've been a great way to really let the winner shine through.

Starting with the veg: Ripert enjoyed Angelo’s noodles, but didn’t think the dish was vegetarian. Kevin’s dish didn’t excite Gail, but she loved Ed’s corn and clam dish. Tom thought it was flavorful.

Moving to the seafood course, Gail found Ed’s confusing and unfocused. Tom thought he didn’t feature the rouget enough. Ripert likes Kevin’s rouget, and Tom thought all the elements were in harmony. Padma thought Angelo’s was beautiful, and Gail thought the broth was loving.

Ripert says “zee duck of Angelo was bee-zarr to me.” Tom thought Ed’s duck was slightly overcooked. Kevin’s was the best cooked, and Gail liked the care he took.

Gail loved Angelo’s dessert. Ed’s dessert shocked Ripert with its lack of ambition, and Tom doesn’t buy his excuses. Ripert found Kevin’s dessert very refreshing, and Gail rambles for about twenty minutes about how it was “literally a fruit punch. It punched you. With fruit.” I really hope she brushed up on her dessert critiques before Just Desserts started, because if I have to sit through weeks and weeks of "a fruit punch that punched you with fruit," I'll shoot out my TV, Elvis style.

They yammer a bit more about how close things are, and then Padma announces that she thinks they have a clear winner. Commercial!

Fakeback? Kevin talks about how tortuous it is to be in the stew. Ed says the win is super close. Angelo is frustrated by how subjective the whole thing is. Least amusing fakeback ever, and that’s saying something.

Really back! Padma tells them “one of you is Top Chef” and will take home the $125 K purse. Tom wishes all three of them could win, but the winner is the one who took the most risks and cooked the best meal.

Padma tells Kevin. . .you are Top Chef. “I am?” He asks, as shocked as we all are. Please enjoy the “Tha fuck…?” expressions on Ed and Angelo’s faces here:



Padma reassures him that yes, he has actually won. Angelo high fives him, and says he’s proud of Kevin for doing an awesome job. I'm guessing Angelo can afford to be magnanimous on this one because the producers told him "hey, pretend to have a migraine or something and we'll let you be in the upcoming All Stars season."

Kevin blathers about a dream as Kelly and the sous bring out champagne. Ed says he’s happy for Kevin, but you can tell he’s lying. They all toast Kevin. Kevin thinks it’s huge that he’s the first African American Top Chef. Wait. . .Kevin is African American? I thought he was like Puerto Rican or Dominican or something. Hm.


Next Week: Reunion!