Top Chef DC: Astro-nuttiness

What the hell, Bravo?
How can Tiffany be out?
Shenanigans much?

Holy cow, cats and kittens!

I’m stunned. I feel like this is the first real shocker of the season, and that the bastards at Bravo saved it for the very end of things.

I mean, I know that the whole “OMG, Kenny is gone and he’s TEH BESTEREST and we know this because HE TELLS US SO” was a “shocker,” but I took so much smug, horrible glee in it that I didn’t really get the whole jaw-dropping shock experience from it. I was too busy patting myself on the back for having noticed that – despite what the Magical Elves tried to edit us into believing – Kenny had almost never been in the top group, and probably wasn’t as much of a contender as he and some (poorly cut) interviews from the others wanted us to believe.

But this? But TIFFANY??? Dammit, Bravo! I was rooting for Tiffany! We were all rooting for Tiffany! How dare you, Bravo! LEARN something from this!!

Tiffany WON twice! On top of that, Tiffany was in the top FIVE OTHER times! That is more than any other chef this season, including the four yahoos still standing (Ed and Kelly have two wins and three other high places each; Kevin has one win and three other high places; Angelo has two wins and two other high places).

Tiffany SWEPT two episodes! Tiffany told us in the season premiere that she wanted to be the first African-American to win Top Chef, and she looked pretty damn well set up to do it! HOW CAN YOU GET RID OF TIFFANY????

(pant, pant, pant)

Ok. All that is just to say: I am FREAKED OUT about Tiffany being gone. And for some reason, it’s particularly hard to accept that she was ousted for making seafood with a broth when they’ve RAVED about every other seafood with a broth type combo she’s made all season (though maybe she was dinged for going to that particular well once too often, but if that’s the case I wish they’d have mentioned it).

And I don’t feel like her leaving was telegraphed during the episode – my money was on Kevin or Kelly – but it’s hard to put a lot of faith in my judgment since I may or may not have accidentally drunk ¾ of a bottle of pink wine before watching the show.

So let’s do this, and pardon my vagueness throughout. And on an unrelated note – Happy Belated Birthday, Padma! And happy well deserved Emmy win, all of Top Chef! Don't count on repeating for this season.

Morning! Top Chef, DC Townhouse! Kelly puts powder on her face. Kevin reflects that it’s a new day and he’s happy to be here. He didn’t think Amanda would make it as far as she did, but there were times he didn’t think he’d make it this far either. Welcome to my little world, Kevin (although he has made a really strong showing after his early displays of mediocrity).

Kelly and Angelo smoke. Kelly’s never been apart from her husband for more than a couple of days. Angelo talks about how he was divorced last year (from the mother of the son referenced in the baby food challenge) because his wife’s family didn’t believe in his profession.

Ok, I need a timeline on this. He was divorced in the last year. He has an infant son. He has a Russian fiancée he’s met twice. I would really like to know the order these things took place in so that I could settle my suspicions about whether “her family didn’t believe in my profession” is code for “I banged a Russian chick.”

Kitchen! Wine! We get a gratuitous lingering close up of the Terlato bottle.

Padma is there with a weird necktie and Dana Cowin, who looks REALLY different than she did in her previous appearances– I can’t tell if it’s “had work done” different or an “appearance drastically changed by growing hair out a bit” different, or maybe “had mumps or other face-shape-changing ailment” different, but it’s a big difference, and I’m not really comfortable with it. Stop fucking with your face, Dana!

Anyway. Obviously they’re there for the quickfire. Their challenge is for them to choose one of the wines and create a dish based on it.

They all pick their wines. Padma tells them this is the final high stakes quickfire: the winner gets a 6 night trip to London. DAMN. I want to travel back through time, train as a chef, work my way up through the ranks, compete in this season of Top Chef, make it through to the last challenge before the finale, and win this quickfire.

Or I could buy myself a ticket to London. One of those.

Time starts.. .now! One hour. Food flurry. Kevin is doing a braised pork belly because he thinks his merlot will cut the richness of the pork. Kelly is using Federalist Dry Creek Zinfandel and making a spice rubbed wild boar tenderloin with a bleu cheese emulsion (nom – I love boar, and I love bleu cheese, even if I don’t love Kelly).

Angelo says understanding wine helps you become a better chef. He has the Evolution from Oregon, and is pairing it with a foie gras. Ed is still pumped from last night’s win, and is making a Waygu Ribeye.

20 minutes. Tiffany is using a Shiraz with caramel undertones and also making a ribeye. She thinks since she’s already going to Paris, it’d be “nice to go to London too. Hit ‘em both up, ya know?”

Kevin checks his pork belly and realizes it’s not going to happen. He grabs some quail. There are 7 minutes left. He knows quail won’t stand up to the wine but doesn’t think he has a choice.

Time! Tasting. Padma and Dana start with Tiffany’s Cocoa and Black Pepper Crusted Wagyu Tenderloin with Spring Risotto (Two Hands Shiraz). They move to Kevin’s Grilled Quail with Shaved Apple-Fennel Salad & Apple Vinaigrette (Tangley Oaks Merlot). Dana says the quail’s quite delicate.

The next dish is Angelo’s Sautéed Foie Gras with Black Salt & Fennel Salad (Evolution) (and NOM). Dana says it’s interesting. Then they get Kelly’s Wild Boar Tenderloin, Black Berry Conserve, Blue Cheese Emulsion & Mache (Federalist Dry Creek Zinfandel. Ed’s Grilled Wagyu Rib eye with Spring Potato Risotto & Wild Mushroom Ragout (Rosso Del Montalcino) (and NOM, by the way -- go to the Bravo site and check out the picture) is their final dish.

Dana says they did really well overall. The least successful pairing was Kevin’s, because while the quail was perfectly cooked, the wine didn’t match. Kelly’s bleu cheese foam took hers off the chart (and not in a good way).

Angelo’s pairing had a nice contrast, and Tiffany’s seasoning worked beautifully with her wine. And the winner is . . . commercial! Oh, that’s some bullshit. I hate when they do that.


Back! The winner is. . .Angelo! He’s glad to have won after having no wins in the last three challenges. Kevin thinks maybe Angelo has his mojo back

Padma reminds them that only four of them will move on to the final. . .in Singapore! Angelo says he feels Asian inside, so that makes him want to win more than ever. Oh, vomit. Of all the various sorts of cultural imperialism that make me yak, white people claiming another culture as their own on the basis that they “FEEL” it inside is near the top. Anyway. Tiffany thinks going to Singapore would be awesome.

To learn about their elimination challenge, they’re going to NASA – they’ll get the details at the Goddard Space Flight Center. Kelly admits that when she was 13 or 14, she went to space camp. I am mad jealous of this, because what child of the ‘80’s DIDN’T want to go to space camp?

Add to my list of reasons to dislike Kelly: a) kind of a bitch; b) smokes like a chimney; c) terrible, terrible haircut; d) names restaurant after herself; e) likes thin soup; f) thinks the opposite of “edible” is “unedible;” g) got to live out our generation’s shared dream of going to space camp.

They arrive at Goddard, where Tom greets them in one of the ops rooms. He introduces NASA Food Scientist Vickie Kloeris, who manages the food for the space station. Then they get a message. . .FROM THE SPACE STATION.

The space station crew show them their weird dehydrated foods that they totally enjoy and aren’t at all grossed out by. No, not disgusting at all. These foods aren’t so dry and awful that the astronauts go running for a juicy hamburger the second they get off the shuttle or anything. But regardless. The chefs will be creating a dish that’s “out of this world” (groan) – and meets the guidelines for being reproduced in 0 gravity.

Tom tells them they’ll be cooking for a table of 8, including NASA scientists, astronauts, the judges, and fame hungry manchild American legend Buzz Aldrin.

Science lady tells them not to have high levels of sugar because it doesn’t freeze dry well, and not to do large pieces. And apparently spicy dishes, once freeze dried, taste really good. Beyond that, they’re only limited by their imagination.

Whole Foods! The chefs have 30 minutes to shop and a budget of $200. Ed is going Moroccan because the astronauts have said they liked spicy foods. Kelly pointlessly interviews that no one wants to be the last to go home. Well, dur, Kelly. Drop some more shocking truths on us, please. Kevin wants to make something that will remind the astronauts of home, something “down to earth.”

If I ever see Kevin Sbraga in person, I will punch him in the nuts for contributing to the awful puns that have run rampant over this season.

Commercial!

Back! Hinckley kitchen. Tiffany is chilling her mussels. Then she moonwalks. Nice. Kelly has never freeze dried anything, and hopes her dish freeze dries well. Angelo wants to make sure his flavors are on point. Kevin is doing a mainstream dish and worries that the others are doing things “more outside the box, more ethnic.”

Tom thru! There have not been enough Tom Thrus this season. Tom gives Angelo the side eye the minute Angelo says “braised short ribs.” Kelly is making pan roasted halibut. He asks Ed about the presence of “Middle Eastern Astronauts,” and acknowledges that Tiffany has been coming on strong. Kevin is nervous about “cookin’ space food.”

Twelve minutes, twelve seconds! Kevin would love to have his dish served in outer space. Tiffany’s mussels are frozen, and no longer useable. “Beaumont! We have a problem!” she declares.

Back at the townhouse, Ed reassures Tiffany that it’s not out of control. Kevin pounds some ice cream and says he got his fight from his mom, who stubbornly continued living even after they took her off life support.

????

Look, trust me, I feel for Kenny, because I’ve been in a similar situation – not with a parent, but with a close relative whose heart was too strong to give up the fight even when the rest of his body was begging to let go. But it’s such a weird, random thing to bring up in this context. Out of the blue. On a reality show. While eating ice cream.

Anyway. Through the magic of TV, it’s the next morning! They get a note that their ride to the challenge is outside, and the winner gets to take it home. It’s a . . .Toyota Avalon. Yeah, that’s sexy. Angelo drives them to the challenge and Kelly quips “Ang, take care of my car, ok?”

They pull up to the Reagan Building and park in a way that looks highly illegal to me. Xavier DeShayes (who gets the fastest, most blink and you’ll miss it-est name credit in Bravo history – seriously, I had to rewind 3 times and I still thought his name was DeShirts until this morning), the executive chef at the Reagan building welcomes them and wishes them luck.

Food flurry! There are issues with the amount of space available. Kelly predicts that the final four will be herself, Angelo, Tiffany, and Kevin, and smugs “somebody’s going to have to out cook me to send me home.” Yes, genius, those are the rules -- you all have to out cook at least one person to stay in the competition. Get the fuck over yourself.

Tiffany wants to win, and talks about how she’s worked her way up from the 10th grade when she worked at IHOP and was told ladies couldn’t be in the kitchen. Angelo worries his dish is too sweet. Ed decides to leave a layer of fat on top of the lamb.

Judges and diners enter! Oh, Buzz Aldrin. I used to respect you. Then there was this. And this. And oh, the awkwardness of this.

The servers take Kelly’s dish out. Padma introduces the judges. Yay, it’s Bourdain! And it’s also Sandra Magnus, Vickie Kloeris, and Leland Melvin. Kelly introduces her Pan Roasted Halibut with Artichoke-Fennel Barigoule, Salsa Verde Salad.

Tom says it’s really well done. Vickie says they couldn’t have all the sauce in space. Sandra says the crunchiness would be nice in space. Seriously, they say “in space” so many times during their critique that it’s almost like the fortune cookie “in bed” game.

Ed’s Yogurt Marinated Rack of Lamb with Eggplant Puree, Cous Cous Croquette & Hummus is next. Sandra says he hasn’t accounted for a way to get rid of the bone (in space). Tom likes it, but Ripert finds it too complicated. Bourdain wants to express his “disappointment with my colleague the Ripper over here” and thinks Ed nailed the dish.

Third up is Kevin’s NY Strip Steak with Bacon, Jalapeno & Corn Puree (there’s also some sort of onion ring that the Bravo interns don’t deign to mention). Bourdain asks about the cutlery in space, and Buzz says he still has his spoon from Apollo 11. Vickie says it would be a challenge to keep the onions crispy in space, but Sandra said she’d love eating it in space if they could.

Next we have Tiffany’s Pan-Seared Alaskan Halibut with Coconut Curry, Snow Pea Shoots & Jasmine Rice. Ripert is “not too excited about the shee-talk-ee” mixed with everything else. Bourdain says the fish sauce is singing to him.

Finally, we get Anglo’s Ginger Lacquered Short Ribs with Pea Puree, Pickled Mushrooms & Horseradish Crème Fraiche. (NOM) Buzz finds it very tasty, but thinks it would be difficult to keep together in space. Tom doesn’t care for the candied ginger. Ripert thinks the “peekeled mushrooms” bring contrast and lightness, but the dish is too "ah-see-deeck".

Bourdain tells us he's shocked by “Ripert’s dark, cynical, snarky and negative world view” because he loved the dish. This is where I fell over laughing, both from the statement and the expression on Ripert’s face. Drink it in, mes enfants:



How freaking delicious is that? I KNOW!!

Padma thanks them all for participating. Commercial!

Fake back! The chefs are all tasting each other’s dishes. Ed doesn’t think his is the best dish he’s cooked in his life, but doesn’t know if he’s fucked up enough to go home. Kelly thinks everyone’s a little relieved that it’s out of their hands.

Back! Judges’ Table. Everyone enters. Padma is the lone, sternfaced girl at a table full of ridiculously accomplished and sexy men. Seriously, lady, if I was the peanut butter in a magnificent man-chef sandwich(sangwich) like that, I’d have a smile on my face.

Tom tells them they all did a great job, and the difference between winners and losers was small.

They start with Ed, who explains his philosophy of spiciness. Bourdain and his ridiculously wide tie tell Ed he had a lot going on in his dish, but he pulled it off. Ripert thinks the dish was way too complicated, but recognizes Ed’s talent.

Tiffany explains the technique on the halibut. Tom thinks she could’ve done without the tomatoes and the pepper skin. Ripert says she needs acidity. Bourdain would’ve liked to see a stronger fish to match the broth.

Tom tells Kelly she nailed her artichokes. Ripert says something fawning about Provence. Kelly responds with something equally fawning about Provence.

Tom tells Angelo the ginger was a bit too sweet. Angelo “I took actually a very submissive role in creating this dish. I really wanted to focus on precision. The shortribs, I felt like I made love to them.”

Top Chef just went to a very kinky and weird place, y’all. Bourdain acknowledges this by saying “I have no idea what you’re talking about describing the dish, really, I just know that I loved it.”

Tom tells Kevin his steak was perfectly cooked, but could’ve been cut thicker. Bourdain thinks he played it safe.

Deliberation. Tom says that Ed’s flavors were clear and delicious, and his presentation was amazing, but Ripert found it “bee-zzeee” and complicated.

Ripert’s favorite was Kelly’s because “she cook weethout safetee net” but Tom says she didn't need a safety net since her tightrope was four feet wide, and Bourdain agrees that her dish was unoriginal.

Padma loved Angelo’s dish, but Tom doesn’t understand the candied ginger. Ripert found it original and unexpected.

Kevin paid attention to what the astronauts wanted. Ripert thought it was great, but Bourdain didn’t find it Top Chef worthy.

Bourdain loved Tiffany’s curry and the fish sauce, but Ripert thinks she killed it with the pea shoots. Tom thinks she was trying for authenticity.

Tom points out that all 5 dishes were very good, and it comes down to splitting hairs. Commercial!

Back! Tom says the winning chef’s dish was “out of this world,” and they’ll get to watch a space shuttle launch in addition to having their food served in space.

Bourdain announces that the winner is. . .Angelo! So he gets the launch, the car, his food on the space shuttle, and a copy of Bourdain’s new book. In the stew room, he clutches his car keys in his hands, chanting “thank you, thank you so much Jesus.” It looks uncomfortably like he’s praying the car keys like a rosary.


Or maybe he just plans to name the car Jesus. Jesus the Toyota Avalon. It’s neither the best nor the worst name for a car I’ve ever heard.

Tom tells Kevin that he elevated a home dish; Kelly that she made it look effortless; Tiffany that her flavors leapt; and Ed that his dish was full of flavor.

Padma tells. . .Tiffany to pack her knives and go.

SHUT UP!

Kevin mutters “thank you, Lord Jesus thank you.” Ok, why is Jesus suddenly such a huge presence on Top Chef? I don’t remember him showing up in the previous challenges, and now they’re talking about him so much it’s like he’s the guest judge instead of Bourdain.

Tiffany goes back to the stew room and hugs Angelo. She congratulates everyone else, hugs them and reflects that you just have to know “that you did good” and says she was happy to be a part of it. Her final words to us are “just so close” as she chokes up.

Oh, Tiffany. You were so close. And I guarantee you, you’re not the only one verklempt about that decision.

Next! Singapore! Its’ extremely nerve wracking being here. What’s wrong with you? My biggest goal is to kick Angelo’s ass. If it was hectic before, it’s crazy right now