Top Chef Just Desserts: Candy is Dandy but Liquor is Quicker

Snow Queen, Big Mamma.
Two nicknames/two episodes
Perhaps too many?

(If you're looking for the Top Chef DC Reunion recap, you need to rethink your priorities. But it's here)

So already we have an ouster I’m sad about. I liked Tim, with his bright blue eyes and his tendency to “mother” the other cheftestants by making them coffee in Seattle’s Best cups, and the fact that he told us a different nickname for himself in every episode he was in (which I realize probably isn’t the greatest achievement, given that he was in a grand total of two episodes, but still. Humor me).

And he can at least take solace in the fact that Johnny Iuzzini told him he had one of the most finely tuned palates of any chef there. . .even if his textures were compared to scrambled eggs in soup. . .

The rest of the episode? How to put this. . .

Let me be perfectly frank, my wobbly custards: if that episode had been part of any other show, or had come at any other point in this show, I would be sneering so hard my upper lip fell off at all of the completely out of the blue and over the top drama.

As it is, though? Coming right after this ungodly yawn of a season of Top Chef, and more particularly after that epic snoozefest of a reunion show they patched together?

Last night was like a sorbet of beautiful, beautiful crazy after you’ve had a heavy meal of mediocrity.

I have watched a lot of reality TV, darlings. A lot. More than you know about. More than I’m comfortable admitting. I watched the entire first season of Temptation Island. I got sucked into Married By America against my own better judgment. I continue to watch various iterations of Housewives even though each and every episode makes me feel like I need a Silkwood shower.

I have never. NEVER. NEVER seen anyone go from “Hi, my name is Seth, how are you?” to full fledged “OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD, MY MOMMY IS SIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!! I’M BROOOOOOOKE!!!! MY ICE CREAM WON’T FREEEEEEEEZE! WHY DO YOU ALL HAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE MEEEEEE?????” so quickly.

The only thing I can think of that’s even close is Top Chef season one, where Ken came, saw, threw some temper tantrums, and left all in the first episode. And that was super mild by comparison.

Where the fuck did all that come from, people? The man tears? The crazy? The creepy hugs with Elizabeth Falkner? Did it really all come from Atomic Fireballs? Or does anyone else think that was just an excuse?

But we’ll get to that in time. . .

Morning! Los Angeles! Top Chef Just Desserts Loft! Crazy Eyes Morgan wakes up and pounds Seth’s bed, because that’s how straight men bond. Morgan tells us he and Seth have a lot in common, since they both like the cooch and all.

Tim the Snow Queen says he’s the “Big Mama” of the house because he’s older and gets into the motherly role easily. Dissatisfied with his big gay mom, Seth calls his actual Mom to see how her physical therapy is going. He tells us she’s had a lot of health problems, but isn’t more specific about it. Time to roll out!

Just Desserts Kitchen! Time for the quickfire! Ooh, there’s so much candy in huge jars it looks like one of those weird mall candy shops –Sweet Factory? Is that the name? Anyway, Elizabeth Falkner is there, which is appropriate since she has a weird mall lesbian haircut to go with the weird mall candy shop theme.

Gail tells them their quickfire is to create a dish that celebrates penny candy (there’s a feature, by the way, on this in the October Real Simple – how to make desserts from leftover Halloween candy. It looks good). Heather H. is nervous because she doesn’t eat a lot of penny candy. But really, who does after the age of like twelve or so? They have an hour to compete their penny candy masterpiece, and can use as many or as few flavors as they like.

Food flurry! Erika just wants to eat the candy. Yigit is worried about the additives in the candy ruining the textures of the dessert. 33 minutes! Malika was shocked by the last quickfire, and is watching the clock intently this time. Seth makes an Atomic Fireball dessert in honor of his mom, who can’t eat them anymore because of her health problems.

?????

I am immediately curious as to what kind of ailment requires both physical therapy and avoidance of Atomic Fireballs.

Zac says his dessert is “revenge on my vegan mother for never letting me go to the candy store.” He says he became a pastry chef as an act of rebellion. Danielle is making worms in dirt, which is. . .so unoriginal and sooooo Semi Homemade. Sorry.

5 minutes! Seth doesn’t have enough nitrogen to freeze his sorbet. Someone looks to be making a poo coil. 5! 4! 3! 2! 1! Seth is furious that he failed in the challenge to do something for his mom, and basically has a little mini tantrum. Dude, it’s day 2. Don’t go to tears just yet.

Tasting! They begin with Yigit’s dish, which is inspired by red licorice – the Bravo elves have not seen fit to give it a description, and I am not turning on the TV this morning just for one.

Heather H’s dish is a Creamcicle inspired Vanilla Panna Cotta with Passion Fruit Gleée. NOM. Seth continues crying. Tim has made Orange and Pistachio Parfait with Mascarpone and Cream. Gail thinks the pistachio flavor comes through well.


Next they get Crazy Eyes Morgan’s Chick-O-Stick Sable with Malted Milk Ganache and Repulled Banana Lollipop. Malika has successfully plated her Lemon Drop and Strawberry Parfait with Yuzu Cream. Heather C. has a Browned Butter Almond Financier with Strawberry and Balsamic Vinegar thing that doesn’t use any actual penny candy.

Zac’s is a Chocolate and Sour Cream Ho Ho with Red Hot Cream Cheese Filling. NOM. Seth is hyperventilating.

Eric has made Malted Chocolate Pudding and Malt Ball Cookie. Erika’s is a Strawberry Pop Rocks with Lemon Drop Cookie and Sour Lemon Gelée. “These rocks are definitely popping,” Gail tells her. Danielle explains her “Worms in Dirt” and Lemon Drop Soda.

Finally we get Seth’s sad, tear filled Whopper Chiffon Cake with Red Hot Coconut Jam and Passion Fruit Vanilla Sorbet and he talks more about his mom’s pain and cries about how he can’t do this. Crazy Eyes Morgan comforts him, in the way dudes who like the vadge comfort other dudes who like the vadge when they cry hysterically in public. Elizabeth Falkner then steps in and hugs him, because she likes girls, and Seth is being a big ole’ girl right now.

Commercial! Ooh, a Top Chef All Stars Commercial. Already.

Back! Seth cries more and Elizabeth Falkner tells him to man up and pull his head out of his ass. Malika looks at him with tremendous scorn for not accepting his loss as graciously as she did.

Elizabeth Falkner announces her least favorites: Heather C. didn’t embrace the challenge; Eric didn’t explore the malted candy; and Seth, because he’s a giant douche who can’t handle failure.

The best are Heather H., who used a lot of different acidic citrus candies; Danielle, who was playful, and Zac, whose cake was good and whose licorice sauce that was balanced.

And the winner is. . .Danielle. Ew. I don’t much like her. She has a weird cloying smile and made a Sandra Lee type dessert. She says she’ll put her best foot forward despite having immunity.


Gail tells them they’ll be going to Mark Peel’s new 1940’s inspired restaurant the Tar Pit to learn about their elimination challenge.

They head to the Tar Pit. It looks SLICK. I want to go. Or to a 1940’s inspired restaurant in DC. Do we have any? Hmmm. . .

Gail tells them for their elimination, they’ll create a dish inspired by a great cocktail, and they’ll be shopping for ingredients behind the bar. They’ll have 2 minutes each to “shop” and 3 hours to prepare their dessert for the judges and 25 discerning barflies.

Peel has a set of coasters with numbers that determines the order they’ll “shop” in. Eric has #1, and he’s stoked.


Bar. . .shopping. . .flurry. Eric takes all the pineapple. Erika takes margarita ingredients and thinks about how she can incorporate salt. Tim tries to psychically keep them from taking the ingredients they want. Zac shops, finishes quickly, and then dances merrily behind the bar. Seth can’t find grapefruit to make a greyhound inspired dessert, and then freaks out in a big way because of this.

His time lapses, then he comes out from behind the bar and freaks out about why they all hate him, and how his mother has $100,000 in medical bills. Even Crazy Eyes Morgan thinks he’s being an asshole. Commercial!

Oh my god, Inside the Actors’ Studio! Remember when Bravo was the classy channel? Remember when it was nothing but James Lipton and Twin Peaks reruns at 3 in the morning and repeat airings of Six Degrees of Separation all day every day?

I miss that.

Back! Just Desserts Kitchen. 3 hours to cook. Heather H. talks about how not having recipes means you have to have a lot of confidence in yourself. Eric talks about how he’s doing a bourbon infused pineapple, but other people are doing fancy things. Seth is doing a black and blue gimlet – a gimlet with blackberries and blueberries -- but he’s still stressed after all of the yelling with Yigit.

Tim has been inspired by a Plantation, which involves basil, and he’s worried about not having enough basil flavor. Malika thinks her Blood Orange Mojito cake is lacking the acidity it needs.

Iuzzini-thru! He thinks Yigit looks organized and confident, but wonders about how the alcohol will make the custard set differently. Seth has a lot going on. He can’t wait to try Erika’s “margarita bombe.”

19 minutes! Erika tells us that working in the kitchen with Seth is hectic, and he’s the kind of person she stays away from. Seth runs around the kitchen like an insane person. Danielle finds him mentally draining.

5 minutes. Yigit is stressed and worries that he’s trying something too complicated.

Time! The chefs file out of the kitchen and head . . .back to their loft. Heather H. talks about how Seth made an ass of himself at The Tar Pit, and how it’s caused tension with all of them. She tells him he needs to apologize to all of them. Yigit reminds Seth that he has no idea what kind of trauma the rest of them have gone through, and acting the way he did was really selfish. Commercial!

Back! Tar Pit! The chefs have an hour to plate their 30 portions of dessert. The kitchen is a very small space considering that there are still so many of them. Seth tells Yigit “my gelee is going to be harder than yours.” Seth, remember, is a straight guy.

Eric is stressed. Erika realizes she’s one dessert short, so she rethinks her plating to cut her bombe in half to show everything that’s inside.

Service! Gail introduces the judges: Iuzzini, Falkner, and Hubert Keller!!! Yay!!!! I’m so glad it’s him and not that Daily Candy Girl. They also greet Mark Peel and his wife/business partner.

The first three to serve are Erika’s Margarita Bombe with a Lime Cookie, Tequila Mousse and Grand Marnier Créme Brulee. Danielle’s dish is inspired by a “ginger lime cocktail” (ah, yes -- the iconic ginger lime cocktail. The hell?) and has made a Lime and Lemon Curd Tart, Toasted Coconut with Rum Sabayon. Eric explains his Pineapple Bourbon Upside Down Cake. N-O-M. I hope this turns up in a Top Chef cookbook at some point, because bourbon and pineapple upsidedown cake are a few of my favorite things, and I bet it wouldn't be too hard to make.

Mark Peel loves the subtlety of Erika’s Margarita Bombe, and iuzzini thinks she embraced the cocktail flavors. Elizabeth thinks Danielle should’ve torched the meringue, an Iuzzini doesn’t associate it with a cocktail at all. Gail thinks Eric’s dish had the most flavor. Elizabeth Falkner liked the texture and got a lot of bourbon flavor.

Back in the kitchen, Yigit is rushing to get his dessert done. Seth tries to help getting his basil ice cream on the plate. Crazy Eyes Morgan thinks he won’t be able to scoop 30 sorbets in 3 minutes. Yigit’s plates are unfinished and don’t look as beautiful as they could.

The second service begins with Yigit’s Negroni inspired Campari and Blood Orange Agar Agar with Citrus Vanilla Panna Cotta and Basil Ice Cream. Morgan explains his Jack and Coke based Cola Spiced Whiskey Cake with Coke Fluid Gel. And Heather C has made Gingerbread Cake with Rum Caramel Sauce.

Elizabeth says Yigit’s dessert looks like a fun cocktail themed dessert. Iuzzini says he need to think about timing since his ice cream is melted. Keller likes Morgan’s gelee, but Gail thinks something is missing. Iuzzini thinks Heather C’s didn’t come together the way she wanted, and Falkner got no lime.

Kitchen. Seth is on Malika’s nerves, and dropping stuff like an idiot. Zac “can’t watch someone go down like that” (that’swhathesaid) and helps him plate. After they finish, Seth runs crazily in around the kitchen offering to help people since receiving help has made him understand the beauty of helping. Or because he wants people to think this when what he’s really doing is trying to get in their way and screw them up. One of those.

So this flight is Seth’s Blueberry Gimlet Cake with Lemon and Lime Juice, Juniper Soda. It looks like 3 little cubes of mold. Malika’s is a Blood Orange and Blackberry Mojito Cake with White Chocolate Mousse. And Heather H has made a White Russian Stack. Predictable, but nom.

Falkner thinks Malika’s dessert is one of the least successful, and it reminds Keller of something with really sugary icing on top “and eef you eet zee hole dee-zairt, you pass out.” Iuzzini thinks Heather overthought hers. Falkner is a bit put off by Seth’s blue cake, and Iuzzini didn’t get either of the gin flavors.

Kitchen. Seth knocks over a giant tray of Zac’s chocolate squares, and then says “I didn’t do it, I didn’t do it.” What a douche. I hope he and his mold cakes and his mother’s mystery disease go home. Seth then decides to clean directly under Zac’s feet. Then he goes and crouches in a corner, like Gollum.

Final pairing. Zac’s is a Jaeger Bomb inspired Benedictine Bombe - Dark Chocolate Malt Cake with Benedictine Crémeux. Tim’s is a Plantation Basil Pudding with Orange, Kumquat and Lime Granita.

Iuzzini thinks Zac grabbed the bull by the horns on this one. He worries, though, about Tim’s tendency to present desserts in a bowl, and Falkner likens the texture to scrambled eggs. Peel enjoys the flavors though.

Zac worries that since his dish is incomplete, the judges won’t get the full profile and he’ll end up in the bottom three. Commercial.

Back! Fakeback! Pudding room! Seth wants to know if people want to play cards. No one wants to play with him. He plays with himself.

Not like that, you little pervs. He makes a dumbass helmet out of cake rings and a bowl.

For reals back. Pudding room. Erika is nervous, but she feels good in her heart. Gail calls back Erika, Yigit, and Eric.

People once again try to convince themselves that this could be the bottom 3, and then it turns into a Seth versus the Heathers fight where he accuses them all of picking on them for having made himself vulnerable in front of them. Crazy Eyes Morgan tells Seth not to stew and Seth goes off on a tirade about how his cooking was better when he was less nice. Jesus.

Judges table. These are, of course, the top three.

Erika explains being inspired by the margarita and keeping things clean and simple. Iuzzini thought it was aesthetically beautiful, and Gail and Elizabeth both loved the tequila sauce.

Keller thought Eric’s cake was really well executed. Falkner tells him he does need to think about the aesthetic more, and he explains that this is the first time he’s done plated service in his life.

Yigit explains his Negroni dish, and Falkner says it was a beautiful, colorful interpretation and the chill-factor made it really cocktail like. Keller really liked the consistency of the panna cotta.

Falkner announces that the winner is. . .Erika! She feels good about the win, and says now it feels like the game has started.


They return to the pudding room, and everyone claps for Erika’s win. Yigit calls back Malika, Tim, and Seth.

Gail explains that they made the “least satisfying” desserts.

Iuzzini tells Tim his quickly became a soupy mess, and says that it drives him crazy because Tim probably has one of the sharpest palates of the group, but has a hard time putting it all together.

Seth thinks he made too many components and messed them up. Keller says he’s a little too hard on himself. Iuzzini agrees that he’s trying to do too much too fast. Gail asks him why he couldn’t focus, and he blames it on his “ridiculous emotional breakdown” in the quickfire. Falkner asks him how they can be sure that won’t happen again, and he can’t promise that it won’t.

Keller thinks that Malika’s cake was too sweet. Iuzzini points out that this is the second time that time has become her enemy, and she says her challenge this time was trying to backtrack and fix problems she didn’t have time to fix.

Gail sends them back to the pudding room.

Deliberation. Seth did eleven things, and 8 got on the plate, his dish was scattered and it didn’t “make the cocktail.” Tim has shown “great flavor combinations” but Gail can’t get past the fact that it looked like “curdled soup.” Malika’s dish was too sweet, but at least she admitted that she wasn’t happy about it. Gail is worried about her ability to adapt to the challenges. Commercial.


Back. Iuzzini says they’re all there because they failed to change when problems arose. Tim’s flavors were great, but texturally it was like scrambled eggs in soup. Malika’s idea didn’t translate. Seth shouldn’t use every technique he knows in a single dish.

Gail tells. . .Tim to pack his knives and go. Noooo. He’s surprised to be going home this early. Other chefs are sad to see him go, or maybe they’re just sad to see Seth stay. Six of one.


Next time! Cheerleaders! Bake Sale! Fricking chaos! Sabotage time! I see you shakin’ the table it’s driving me crazy! Have you been snorting buttercream? You could almost taste the resentment. . .in her cookie. I’m going to hate this room.