Top Chef Just Desserts: Cupcakes and Heartbreaks

Poor Tania is out
Tania is the first one out
Not much to say. Mousse.

Let’s get a few things out of the way: first, I “watched” this show on Wednesday night, but since I was working on the regular Top Chef recap at the time, I didn’t absorb much. My impressions were something like:

Kid who looks like Miles from Work of Art
Snow Queen
Cupcakes
Basil
Some bitching about beds
Chocolate.
Something about Disco Dust
Some chick goes home.

And since it didn’t do much to distract my attention, I have to say I wasn’t surprised by all the Negative Nellying that was going on about it on the interwebs. You do not seem to be too impressed so far, my little croquembouches.

(I will say, though, it did make me hungry enough just hearing the word “chocolate” so many times in the course of an hour that I had to get up and eat a spoonful of Nutella at 11:45 at night. AND I just ate some Cocoa Krispies in yogurt after watching it this afternoon. It’s like I’m Pavlov’s freaking dog or something, except that chocolate isn’t good for dogs, so not that)

But I figured I’d give it a solid chance, a for real watching. And if it was truly awful, I could always just abdicate it like I did The Fashion Show (shudder).

And?

I was pleasantly surprised.

First of all, the kitchen is stunning. STUNNING. I don’t remember a kitchen in the history of Top Chef that has managed to be aesthetically pleasing – usually they’re just a grim warehouse space with the series’ logo slapped on one wall.

Second, Gail. Our little Gail’s all growed up and hosting her own show, and I think she’s doing a really good job so far. (More on both of these things later)

Third, I LOVE that there are twelve contestants. You all know that there are a few constants in the way I handle these things, and one of them is always bitching about the number of contestants in the first few episodes. Scaling this back to twelve – which I think is what they had in the very first season of Top Chef – is GREAT. I already know everyone’s names, even if I do periodically confuse Danielle and Heather C. (Heather C. appears to have some sort of bandage or growth on her forehead? What’s up with that? Is she a unicorn?).

Fourth. . .It’s DESSERT, people. And I don’t want to hear about how watching all dessert all the time is going to get old because a) are you aware how wildly successful the dessert challenge shows on Food Network are? b) we have no evidence that it’s going to be all dessert all the time –regular Top Chef usually does one dessert challenge per season, so why shouldn’t Just Desserts do at least one savory challenge per season? Or one full meal challenge where everyone fights to be the one to make dessert instead of the way it usually goes. And c) DESSERT, people. DESSERT. Now shut yer pieholes.

Heh.

And finally. . did you see the parade of cray-cray they brought on board? Did you see the “this season” previews? This ish is going to be (chocolate covered) bananas, mark it.

Tania, I’m sorry, lady – you’re getting short shrift here like the first cut always does, and I always feel bad about that. I hope you and your husband are having mad luck in the baby department, and I L-O-V-E your shoes and skirt in the bio picture. Gorgeous.

So lets do this, huh?

Indeterminate time of day! LAX! Seth Caro arrives dragging a suitcase behind him. We learn that he was the first pastry chef at Harold Dieterle’s restaurant Perilla. He seems to be wandering around an airport somewhere when he meets up with Tania Peterson, who thinks she’s a rebel because she’s a “Jewish atheist artist.” Oh, honey. You are moving in some dishwater dull circles if you think that that combination is unique.

Next Heather Hurlbert and Erika Davis roll up (Erika is from Tamms, where my dad spent part of his childhood. Holla!). And then they see a giant bus that’s been tricked out with the Just Desserts branding approaches, and they all climb aboard and tell us inane things about themselves as the bus rolls to the next terminal. There it picks up Zac Young, who is clearly competing both for Top Dessert Chef and Gayest Bravo Reality Personality in the History of Bravo Reality Programming, Ever (and yes, that includes Andy Cohen and each and every one of the Queer Eye boys. Miss you!), and two others who don’t merit names yet. They drive on to the train station where they meet Tim Nugent, -- who is also in the battle for GBRPitHoBRP,E because he tells us people call him “the Snow Queen, because my food is frozen. . .and I’m gay.” He’ll also be going for this year’s Overstating the Obvious trophy -- and Heather Chittum (from Hook,) and another young gay man from San Fransisco. Then there’s Morgan Wilson, who has a son and a girlfriend and a climbing wall and an attitude about how pastry chefs are better than savory chefs. And if you didn’t get it from the son and girlfriend and rock climbing references, he’s going to be the “I am straight! Straight! Look how straight I am!” entry this season.

And then. . .Gail and Johnny Iuzzini board the bus. Seth tells us he has a schoolboy crush on Gail. I do too, except not the schoolboy part, and it’s more like I want to be her best friend. Gail welcomes them and introduces head judge and wallet chain trend prolonger Johnny Iuzzini. He says he can’t wait for them to show the world how artistic and inventive dessert can be.

Gail introduces their first quickfire: Introduce Yourselves Through Your Signature Dessert. They will have 30 minutes and $50 to shop at “the grocery store”, then head to the Just Desserts kitchen for an hour and a half of baking. Winner gets immunity.

Grocery store! And it totally is a generic, non product placement, no name given “grocery store,” not a Whole Foods or anything. Yigit Pura introduces himself and says that all pastry chefs have to be OCD. Eric Wolitzky calls himself a pastry chef even though he works at a bakery. He’s nervous about the competition.

Erika is scared because you have to be so on point with pastry, and they’re not allowed to use recipes. We get to know a little bit about Malika who is “a pastry chef consultant” and “in the process of a divorce.” She wants to win for her three sons.

Kitchen! 1.5 hours to cook. I love the just desserts kitchen – it’s red and very vibrant and full of toys. Seth refers to it as his “Barbie Dream house.”

Tania is making her “Serious Chocolate Cake” and is nervous to be away from home because she and her husband have been trying to get pregnant. Seth is nervous about cooking for Johnny Iuzzini because he fucked up a tasting in his kitchen at one point.

One hour and fifteen minutes. Gail and Johnny enter and Gail slyly says “didja really think it would be that easy?” Commercial!

Back! The twist is that they must transform their signature dish into a cupcake. Bleh. The chefs don’t seem enthused about this, and neither am I, particularly. The difference is that the chefs are unenthused because they don’t like having a wrench thrown in the works, whereas I’m just flat out sick of the whole cupcake chic thing.

Back into food flurry mode with a lot of bleeped out swearing. Something’s burning. Malika is trying to create meringues in cupcake shape to hold the filling. Tim is freezing his semifreddo in cupcake form. Tania feels like she has an advantage since she was doing cake already. Seth hasn’t made a cupcake since home ec class. He thinks it’ll be tough since his dish involves basil, but decides to make a basil buttercream. NOM. I am so in favor of herby ice creams and desserts after my basil lemon experience last summer.

7 minutes! Malika goes to check on her meringues, only to find that the oven has been turned up and they are brown outside and goo inside. She doesn’t manage to plate her components.

Time! Johnny and Gail enter for their tasting. They begin with Tania’s Chicory Mousse Cupcake with Mesquite Flour and Crème Fraiche Caramel. Next on the menu is Heather C.’s Carrot Cupcake, Creme Fraiche Cream Cheese Icing, and Fried Carrots. Johnny likes the sourness of the crème fraiche. Zac has made his deconstructed lemon meringue into a Vanilla Bean Cupcake with Lemon Curd and Blood Orange Marshmallow. Danielle has done a Chocolate Cupcake with Mint Chip Filling and Toasted Meringue. Eric’s is a Devil's Food Cupcake with Buttermilk and Coffee. Tim has made a giant mess, which we’re told is a Pistachio Semifreddo. Johnny says it would be great as a semifreddo but doesn’t fare well as a cupcake.

Seth’s is a Steamed Malaysian Coconut Cake with Basil Buttercream and Candied Pine Nuts. Next we see Morgan’s Dark Chocolate Soufflé Cupcake with Supreme of Tangerine and Caramel Buttercream. Malika explains why things didn’t work out. Gail reminds her that timing will be the trickiest part of the competition.

Gail says “So Johnny, tell us whose were your LEAST favorite cupcakes today.”

Let’s just break here for a moment – if I’m impressed with anything about this competition so far, it’s Gail. She’s doing the Padma thing better than Padma, and this is episode one. It’s so nice to have someone whose voice has some dynamics to it after years of the perpetually stoned Padma and the Katie Lee Joelbot.

Anyway, clearly Malika’s lack of dish is in the bottom. With her are Tim’s messy un-cupcake and Zac’s horrible marshmallow. Zac points out that he’s the only one of these three who’ve MADE a cupcake, so he actually has the worst cupcake.

In the top are Seth’s “herbaceous” cupcake, Tania’s moist cupcake, and Heather C’s contemporary take on carrot cake. And the winner is. . .Seth! Everyone claps. “I won the cupcake?” He says, stunned. Yes, Seth. You won the cupcake. Such a pretty boy. Sadly for him, he looks kind of like Miles from Work of Art, who was such a douche that I’m still not over it.

Seth reminds us that Harold won the first challenge and won his season, so this shows that he’s here to win.

But think about that later, little camper – right now it’s time to hear about the elimination challenge! Gail tells them they’ll be working with everyone’s favorite ingredient. . .chocolate. Some Bravo lackeys wheel a cart of chocolate into the room. Their challenge is to create the most luxurious chocolate dessert imaginable to impress 50 chocolate connoisseurs including “Mr. Chocolate himself, Jacques Torres.” Zac tells us that if you took a bite of Jacques Torres, he’d ooze ganache, that’s how into chocolate he is.

They’ll have 4 hours to cook in the Just Desserts Kitchen, then one hour in the Just Desserts dining room. But that’s tomorrow – tonight they get to go back to their loft, get settled and get to know each other.

Top Chef Desserts Loft! It’s covered in pictures of desserts. Yikes – that’s like America’s Next Top Model style bullshit. Seth tells them he’s an insomniac and needs a special bed. Morgan requests that they turn the thermostat way the fuck down so he can sleep. What a bunch of princesses. Commercial.

Back! Just Desserts Kitchen! 4 hours to prep. Reasonably paced food flurry. Danielle puts her name on her oven and says “I’m marking my territory like a cat.” Morgan is confident working with chocolate. Heather H. says if you have the right skills and confidence, you can do anything. One tray of Morgan's flan burn.

One and a half hours! Zac says he has something to prove in a major way.

Iuzzini-thru. Seth finds him and his pompadour intimidating. He explains his dessert to him. Tania is using some white chocolate for a creameaux. Johnny thinks she’s bringing it. He thinks Danielle is asking for it with her “free form tart” because deconstructed ideas of desserts can go wrong.

Tania has a mousse issue – it looks like and has the texture of hummus.

35 minutes! People start heading into the dining room to set up.

Service! The diners enter, as do the judges – Gail, Johnny, Dannielle Kyrillos of Daily Candy, and Jacques Torres.

The judges start doing a circuit of the room, collecting desserts as they go. Morgan’s dessert is Chocolate Fried Pie with Milk Chocolate Bourbon Flan. Heather C. has made Bittersweet Chocolate Torte with a Mini Whoopie Pie. Johnny’s portion of flan has separated into two layers. Jacques Torres says this is his first whoopee pie, and he’d like a more citrusy taste in the crème.

Next they go for Eric’s Spiced Brownie with Ancho Chile, Ginger and Cinnamon and Heather H’s Dark Chocolate Mousse Torte with Chocolate Grand Marnier Sauce. Then we head over to Zac, who is blowing “Disco Dust” onto his Chocolate Fondant “Brownie Sundae” because “I can’t do anything without a deep fryer and a little glitter.”

There are “too many” quotation “marks” in the previous “sentence.” Also, I always thought “disco dust” was coke. Have I been “wrong” all this “time”?

Dannielle says you can “taste the disco” in Zac’s dessert (what does that mean?), but Torres is turned off by him blowing the dust. Johnny says Eric’s brownie is moist and rich, but Torres finds it insufficiently decadent. They’re more impressed with Heather’s, which is more elegant and well plated.

Next the judges go for Tania’s Flourless Chocolate Torte with Earl Gray and White Chocolate Mousse. She tells them the texture of the mousse isn’t where she’d want it to be. She cries. The judges also pick up a portion of Danielle’s Chocolate Tart with Hazelnut Brittle and Banana. Dannielle the judge finds it too hard to get through. Torres says the flavors are good together but not great texturally. Johnny is not impressed with Tania’s torte.


Seth’s Madras Curry and Chocolate Palette with Raspberry Gelee and Yigit’s Flourless Chocolate Genoise with Custardless Ice Cream make up the next group. Torres says there’s something wrong with the ice cream. Dannielle says Seth’s dessert is like a pug dog – tiny little body, but powerful.

They move on to Tim’s Chocolate Cake with Ganache and White Chocolate Cream. Johnny congratulates Malika on finishing in time with her Bittersweet Chocolate Layer Cake with Braised Cherries and Nougatine. There’s also Erika’s Chocolate Banana Caramel Crunch Bar. Dannielle likes the crunch on the bottom of Erika’s. Torres thinks the cake on Tim’s is dense, but the flavor is good. They think Malika’s screams chocolate.


With a few remarks about the dishes, the judges depart. Commercial.

Back! Fakeback! Everyone’s eating Zac’s dessert. Danielle says “ok, now I’m ready
to throw up.” Then she tries to tell him that it’s the amount of chocolate, not his dish specifically. She brings him a dish of hers which he looks at and says “ok, now I have to go throw up.” Wah-wah.

Back! Stew room. Except we shouldn’t call it a stew room, since they’re dessert chefs. Pudding room. Heather C. tells Yigit “you smell like you worked really hard.”

Gail enters and calls back “Seth, Heather H., and Zac.” Morgan tries to tell us that they don’t know what the protocol is since this is a new show, ignoring the fact that every iteration of Top Chef has done winners first and then losers with very rare (one time?) exceptions. He tells us that he tasted all three of the desserts, and his was better.


(I just freeze framed the TV on a Morgan interview while typing that, and I have to say – he’s a good looking guy, but he has a serious case of the crazy eyes).

Judges’ Table! I’ve decided to refer to Danneille the judge as “Daily Candy Girl” henceforth until she says something substantive OR Danielle the contestant goes home, whichever comes first. Mostly it’s because I just don’t like seeing all the spellcheck squiggly underlines on Dannielle. Also, I don’t much respect her yet, and having too many Danielle/Danneilles is confusing.

Gail congratulates them on being the top 3. Zac immediately begins sobbing. “making dessert is kind of like giving birth to a baby,” he tells us. “And you have a lot of experience with this?” Gail says archly. “I have a lot of experience with this,” he says, and continues his tortured metaphor, perhaps not realizing that she was making fun. Anyway, Iuzzini tells him he had a really well conceived dessert. Daily Candy girl compares it to a party in her mouth. Torres calls him out for blowing on the dessert.

Iuzzini loved the aesthetic of Heather’s dessert. Torres thought the crunch was a good surprise.

Gail thanks Seth for bringing it even though he had immunity. Daily Candy girl spazzes out “Curry for dessert? What?” What? What? What are you, twelve? What are your qualifications again?

Torres tells them the “wiener” is the one who “ombrace shocolate”—Heather H. She’s stoked, and promises to stay focused and do her best.


But winning has its dark side, and she has to call back Danielle, Tania, and Morgan. “Whatever,” Morgan mutters.

The three of them enter the judging room and are greeted with Johnny Iuzzini’s sturn face.


Gail asks Danielle why she thinks she’s there. She doesn’t know. Johnny says the dessert exploded on the plate. Tania, on the other hand, knows that the texture of her mousse was off, and she doesn’t make excuses for that. Gail assures her that she really liked the layer under the mousse, but it wasn’t enough to balance the error.

Morgan thought his dessert had a nice array of textures, and was delicious. Uzzini asks about the gelee cube, and Morgan admits that his flan separated. Daily Candy girl says the flan didn’t go with. A note of panic slips into his voice as he says he was afraid he didn’t do enough.

Deliberation. Johnny Iuzzini says that by trying to do too much, Morgan left too much room for error. Torres thinks Tania “peeked zee rong ahn-gree-dee-ants to work wees,” and Danielle’s was impossible to eat the way she intended.

Commercial!

Back! Iuzzini tells Morgan he spread himself too thin, Danielle should’ve constructed hers differently, and Tania didn’t correct the mistake with her dessert.

Gail tells. . .Tania that her dessert just didn’t measure up, and she should pack her tools and go.


Tania frets that she’s the biggest sucker because she’s the first to go. She cries more and is glad that her husband will still be proud of her.

This season! Cheerleaders! Fire eaters! You’re being an asshole! I’m not here for fun! Stop yelling at her! Sabotage time! Morgan gets really angry and he’s like ‘well I’m gonna take all the butter!’ Hey, shakey! I see you shakin’ the shit out of this table! I’m definitely going to hurt somebody and get removed from the premises! You can almost taste the resentment in her cookie. You can all suck it.