Top Chef: On a Little Street in Singapore...

Oh, Kelly Liken
Singapore is not for you
Go take a smoke break.

You’re expecting me to gloat here, right? You’re expecting me to do a big ole’ song and dance to the tune of “Ding-Dong, the Witch is Dead” about how I never liked Kelly, and her modified Kate Gosselin hair, and her tendency to name things after herself, and her thin soups and her tobacco charred palate and her monotone voice, aren’t you?

Well, tough beans, merkins. It’s not going to happen, and there are two reasons for that.

The first is that as much as I am not a fan of Kelly’s, I wanted to see her in the final three for a number of reasons: 1) that way it’s sweeter when she inevitably fails and cries [I like my schadenfreude to be as ripe and pungent as possible]; 2) while I’m not a fan of Kelly’s, I’m pretty sure she’s a better chef and at least a marginally more interesting person than Kevin [but this is kind of like saying that a lump of brown Play-Doh is at least marginally more interesting than a lump of grey Play-Doh]; and 3) I’m kind of sick of seeing the finale being an all boys, cocks out and waggling, He-Man Woman Hater’s Club type contest. I didn’t care for that turn of events last season, when I LIKED all the boys and enjoyed their waggling; I hate it altogether now that said boys are two doughy lumps with an attitude problem and one long greasy tallow smear comprised entirely of ego.

The other reason is that I’m currently doing something a little different and intense with my days. I can’t discuss the particulars, but let’s just say it rhymes with “Sand Fury Booty,” and it’s more exhausting than you’d think. So I was pretty well wiped out last night when I started tappa-tappa-tapping away at my keyboard, and I’m no less exhausted this morning as I sit down to polish it up a bit (this despite getting two full nights in a row of uninterrupted sleep. There’s apparently nothing like spending 8 hours a day hearing about heinous acts to take care of the whole knitting up the raveled sleeve of care thing).

So let’s dive right into our hour and a half (AUGH) long festival of infighting and weird fetishization of foreign cultures, punctuated by intermittent bursts of cooking.

Oh, and speaking of foreign cultures, this was on Bravo’s front page at 5:20 this morning:

Does that seem weirdly inappropriate to anyone else? Given how much they’ve stressed that they’re in ASIA for the finale, and they’re cooking ASIAN flavors and doing ASIAN things in an ASIAN location, ASIAN-ly? And then they bust out with “They No Liken?”

I’d like to think that the Bravo Interns have had that one waiting in the wings all summer, and would’ve busted it out even if the finale had been in Sweden. But I feel like even then, it would’ve been uncomfortable.

Not cool, Bravo Interns. When I want good old fashioned casual racism, I’ll read one of the Agatha Christie books where Poirot goes to the Mideast.

Anyway. Let’s get on with it.

Morning! Singapore! We see all sorts of scene setting images that establish the general Asian-y-ness of the locale, and then Kelly is shown shopping at a market and opining about what a wonderful part of the world it is to visit. Ed meets up with her and hugs her. Kevin enters, wearing a stupid hat, and hugs Kelly, who is wearing stupid shorts. And here’s Angelo in what appears to be a hypercolor shirt from the ‘80s.

The secondary theme of this episode is going to be “these chefs can’t dress themselves for shit.” The primary theme, in case you hadn’t guessed, is “OMG DOODZ! We’re in ur Singapore, fetishizin’ ur culture.”

Tom joins them with Seetoh, who is Singapore's leading authority on food, apparently. He talks to them about the food stalls around them, and then leads them on a tour through the market. He shows us one guy who’s “been frying that same dish of noodles for the last 40 years.” Must be pretty tough by now. Ba-dum-ching.

Kelly tells us you can taste different cultures in one single dish. I’m amazed that she can taste anything, given how much we see her wrecking her palate with smokes.

Angelo says he feels like it’s destiny to win since the finale is in Asia. I am so beyond over Angelo and his internal Asian-ness that I can’t even say. I feel like white guys who are “really into” Asian culture to show how deep and Zen they are was one of those ‘90’s phenomena that should’ve died out. But like wallet chains and bowling shirts, it’s now just a visible mark of douchiness – you can tell how big a tool a guy is going to be by how far into this century he clings to it.

Kevin thinks the other chefs are going down since the national dish of Singapore is poached chicken, which is his kind of cooking. Ok – how appropriate that this beige lump of humanity is wandering around all these market stalls featuring brilliant flavors and spices, and the thing he most responds to is some poached chicken on rice? Jesus.

They enjoy the hell out of some chili crabs, which Seetoh says will clear their sinuses. That sounds like my kind of thing. Spicy, spicy crabs. I could use something like that to wake myself up right now.

Ed’s biggest goal is to cook Angelo’s ass (Angelo’s ass is, in case you didn’t know, considered a delicacy in many Asian cultures), but is nervous about the advantage Angelo has because they’re in Asia. Kelly thinks most people would say Angelo is her biggest competition, but she thinks Kevin is because they cook similar food. Oh my god, she thinks KEVIN is her biggest competition. Kelly is even dumber than I've thought all season.

They head for their “one last stop” for the night and. ..surprise! Padma awaits them, in one of her typical early '80s Barbie doll outfits (seriously -- I had this one, I swear. It didn't come with a particular doll -- it was one of those ones that comes in the individual packets that you could con your mom into buying you if you were really good while you were shopping at the Smitty's on McClintock with the good toy section). It’s a challenge. Suckahs! She tells them the final street food will be theirs . Quickfire! They have to create their own version of Singapore street food using a wok only. Kevin’s in trouble because “I don’t wok.”

Padma explains that local ingredients have been provided for them, and. .. for the first time ever this late in the competition, the quickfire winner will receive immunity. It’s an interesting twist, which is something shows can get a little short on this long into their lives, so I applaud them for that.

Food flurry! 30 minutes to cook. Angelo can’t read the labels because they’re in Cantonese. Kelly doesn’t see this as a problem since she cooks from flavor balance anyway. Padma and Seetoh drink beer.

Ed is giving it his best even though he worries that Angelo already has it in the bag. Kelly shares her garlic with Angelo, even though she’d previously been incapable of sharing. Ed is doing stir fry noodles. Angelo is doing a chili crab and getting confused by ingredients. 9:58!

Kevin is making a curry. Kelly is giving herself a pep talk the whole time, and finds it difficult to cook because it’s a hot and sticky night. Angelo changes and does a chili frog leg at the 5 minute mark. Kelly thinks this is dumb since frog legs can overcook in a second. Time!

Commercial!

Back! Padma and Seetoh begin with Angelo’s Chili Frog Legs with Pineapple and Rambutan Salsa. There’s something on the side that he refers to as a “vegetarian sea urchin,” but Bravo has not deigned to provide us with the particulars of this dish. Seetoh enjoys Kelly’s Chinese Noodles with Lobster, Cockles, Bean Sprouts and Chinese Broccoli. Kevin has made Seafood Stew with Lobster and Cuttlefish with Crispy Shallots, and admits to having never used a wok before. Padma says “what’s wrong with you?” when he admits this, and grills him about why he didn’t practice before coming to Singapore. They finish with Ed’s Stir Fry Noodles with Black Pepper Sauce, Lobster and Gai Lan. He says he likes to “wok it out on the weekends.” Oy. I was really hoping we’d be done with the stupid fucking puns now that we’ve left DC, but apparently not.

Seetoh says Angelo did pretty well in putting the robust flavors together. Kelly captured the essence of the ocean in her broth. Kevin’s dish was sophisticated and complex, and Ed infused the flavors into the noodle.

And the one who’s secured a place in the finale by winning is. . .Ed! Well, yay, I suppose. He’s infinitely preferable to the rest of those lumps, but that’s not saying much. Angelo says that this sucks – he’s angry and frustrated.

Padma tells them their next elimination is a team challenge. Angelo is annoyed, because he doesn’t want to rely on anyone else. They’ll be catering a party that celebrates Singapore’s multicultural cuisine for Dana Cowin, working as one team to create a cohesive menu for 80 guests. They’ll execute ala minute for the guests, and will have $200 for specialty spices and dry goods.

Hilton hotel, Singapore. They check in and do the requisite oohing and ahhing about their rooms in order to secure the Hilton sponsorship for next season as well. There’s a book for each of them listing the local ingredients they have to work with. They decide that four dishes will be enough to go with given the time constraints.

Ed interviews that he wants Angelo to go home, because he’s his biggest competitor.

Commercial.

Back! Next morning! The “team” is still working on their menu and talking about things they can use. Ed wants to use his immunity as an opportunity to “get crazy and just kick Angelo’s ass.”

Market! Shopping! They have 30 minutes and $200. Kelly tells the spice guy that she plans on cooking fish head curry, and asks the guy what the best spices for that. Kevin reminds us that Kelly only cooked one other Asian dish in the competition, and isn’t that comfortable with the flavors. Ed decides to do a second dish. Angelo claims he’s glad Ed has immunity, because he thinks it would rob him of the fire he needs to do well in the competition.

Kitchen! One hour to prep! Kelly hopes that’s enough time to develop her flavors. Ed and Angelo argue over who took all the pork. Angelo recites affirmations to himself and chops some lamb. Ed is happy that he has immunity, and tries to psych Angelo out to get him out of the equation.

40 minutes! Kevin says it’s important for him to make it to the final three since he’s been through “so much ups and downs here.” Kelly is using plums to develop the flavor in her curry.

28 minutes! Tom thru! Tom wonders if four dishes are enough to serve at a party for Food & Wine. Ed pipes in with the fact that he’s planned for two all along. Everyone looks at him in shock, and scrambles to do a second dish. Angelo is angry because he thinks this shows Ed doesn’t believe in the team. Kevin thinks that makes them look bad as a group.

20 minutes! Kelly frets that “these can openers don’t open Asian cans.” Fucking racist can openers. She’s stressed. Fifteen minutes! Ed says the rest of them should’ve known they’d need to do two dishes, because this isn’t the time to relax.

Ten minutes! Angelo notices blood on the floor. It’s Kelly’s. She puts a plastic glove on and lets it continue oozing. Tasty. Six minutes! Every man for themselves. 4:59. Everything’s an obstacle! One minute! Time!

Commercial!

Back! Fakeback. The chefs are finished prepping and go to a prawn fishing place. Kelly is wearing another horrifying pair of shorts. Kevin refuses to bait his hook or take his prawns off the line. Ugh, he's such a whiny little putz.

Ok, for reals back. The chefs head to Tanjong Beach Club with an hour and a half to prepare for service. Food Flurry! Kelly emphasizes the need for teamwork, and is feeling good about her food. Angelo says the atmosphere is really intense.

Kevin is doing a 63 degree egg for his Kanji adaptation, and worries about getting them cooked perfectly. Ed acts like a douche to Angelo.

The wait staff enters, and Ed gives them their marching orders, including nominating one as expediter, and tells them to let them know which table the judges are at. Just as a warning, the wait staff are terrible, and that will be a recurring theme for the rest of this recap. In fact, pretty much every other paragraph from here on out will be “there are problems with the wait staff.”

Ten minutes! The judges enter. Padma is wearing a bitching yellow dress. Gail also looks lovely, in purple as always. Dana Cowin is wearing a lovely green dress, and her face seems to have settled into place since last week.

Kevin’s cockles won’t open, so Angelo and Ed help him. The first orders start coming in. There are all manner of problems with the wait staff.

The judges order their first courses . The wait staff continue fucking up.

The judges eat. Dana thinks Kelly’s Chilled Cucumber-Yogurt Soup, Bitter Melon Salad has a lot of acid in it, but Gail likes it. Seetoh likes the concept of the dish.

Next they have Kevin’s Clam Chowder Flavors of Southeast Asia (the syntax on this description makes me and Baby Jesus very sad) which Dana finds delicious. Tom says the flavors are really clean and Seetoh finds it complete.

Angelo has made a Spicy Shrimp Broth with Ginger and Prawn Dumplings, which Dana finds both comforting and complex.

Back in the kitchen, there are more problems with the wait staff.

The judges eat Angelo’s Lamb Tartare with Rambutan Ceviche and Curry Oil. Tom likes the dish and Dana thinks he’s pulled it off even though Tartare isn’t her thing. Next they have Ed’s Crispy Rice and Potato Cakes, Sweet and Sour Pork, Kai Lan, which Tom thinks is a refined version of the flavors he had in the market. Dana would have a bottomless bowl of it and be happy.

Back in the kitchen, there are more problems with the wait staff.

The judges continue eating with Kevin’s 63° Farm Egg, Pearl Tapioca, Radish Condiment. Gail thinks his egg is perfect, and Tom likes the idea. Then they have Kelly’s Seared Prawns, Spicy Red Coconut Curry, Crispy Prawn Heads. Seetoh likes the guava in the salad and Gail finds it complex and delicious. Finally, they have Ed’s Fried Banana Fritter with Red Chili Paste, which they all love.

We see some irrelevant comments from some diners. Kevin thinks any of them are in danger. Kelly is worried because the cuisine is out of her comfort zone.

Dana Cowin thanks the guests and toasts the chefs, who come out to take their bows. Angelo is wearing some tragic white knee pants. Commercial.

Oh, that’s right. This episode is “Super Sized.” Kill me now.

Back. Gardenasia. The chefs talk about how they worked as a team. Padma calls them all back to Judges’ Table.

The judges are Padma, Tom, Gail and Seetoh. There are some generic questions about how they worked as a team.


Tom assures them that everything was really good, and only small details will separate winners and losers.

Angelo talks about how he wanted to focus on spice blends, and wanted to challenge himself by doing lamb tartare rather than beef. Seetoh says his second dish was bold, but Tom says it had too much body and Padma found it a little too salty.

Seetoh tells Kelly he loved her yogurt and cucumber soup, but Tom found the texture of the fish a little rough. Wait, there was fish in the yogurt and cucumber soup? Ew. Gail says she wishes the curry in her prawn dish had had some more heat, but Seetoh liked her guava-apple salad.

Gail calls Ed’s dishes “tastalicious.” Oh Gail. That’s not a word. Seetoh thinks the rice cake would’ve been better if it had been deep fried. Tom says his banana fritter was “perfect stoner food,” and Gail says the only problem was that she wanted “six, not two.”

Gail tells Kevin his chowder was elevated, but Seetoh wanted more heat. Tom likes that he took risks with his egg dish, and says it paid off, but Seetoh wanted more texture in the dish.

The judges send the chefs off to the waiting area. Kelly thinks her tour is up, but Angelo says it’s on him.

Deliberation. Padma says it’s nice that Ed, despite having immunity, did such a nice job tonight. Tom says Kelly’s shrimp dish didn’t stand out, but Gail was blown away by the salad. Padma says the problem with her soup was the fish.

Gail preferred Kelly’s soup to Angelo’s, as his was so salty. Padma says his tartare was executed beautifully. Tom thinks Kevin’s play on chowder was a really nice dish. Gail calls his tapioca and egg porridge “dreamy,” but Tom thinks it could’ve been improved with a few elements.

Padma brings the chefs back in. Seetoh babbles for awhile and then announces that the winner is. . .Ed!

He’s thrilled to have two wins in Singapore, and is happy to have beat Angelo twice at his own game.

Commercial.

Back. Tom reminds them that only two of them can make it, though each of them did an amazing job. He briefly recaps the pros and cons of each dish, and wishes all of them could continue on.

Padma tells. . .Kelly to pack her knives and go. She hugs Kevin. Angelo cries and then hugs her. She says the competition was tougher than she thought it was going to be, and the experience makes her more grateful for what she has at home.

She goes back and hugs Ed, and recaps that she’s disappointed that she didn’t win. Ok, that's it -- she's officially incapable of saying anything interesting. So glad she's gone now -- I couldn't have listened to her drone boring things for another episode.

The three boys congratulate each other. Angelo is crazy grateful to be going to the finals. Kevin can’t believe he made it this far (yeah. . .neither can we). Padma calls all three of them back to judges’ table again. They know something’s up.


But we’ll find out what it is. . .next time! Except that we find out now, in the previews!

Next time! Ilan! Hung! Michael! Angelo is sick! Angelo stays in bed! Fuck you, dude, seriously.! Angelo feels like he’s letting down everybody! Angelo gets a shot in his ass! You are top chef!