Top Chef: Reunion Recap-sule

So I was watching the reunion, and typing and typing and thinking “wow, I thought nothing could be more tedious than the show. I was wrong.”

And then at about the half hour mark, my computer shut down out of the clear blue nowhere for no apparent reason, and only about ¼ of my recap file was recoverable, and I took this as a sign.

Yes, jizzpossums, that was baby Jebus’s way of telling me that the reunion is not worth talking about. Fuck it. Fuck Top Chef DC. You have simultaneously turned both my favorite show AND my city into a dull ass crappingstone. Fuck you.

Here’s all you need to know, in the form of an unedited itemized list:


1) Kevin actually won. That wasn’t a giant hallucination

2) Someone in Rhode Island asks why Tom was so grumpy this season, and he flat out admits that the food this season didn’t live up at times. Beautiful.

3) Another viewer wants to know how Eric got “soooooo good looking.” He tells us “it doesn’t ‘elp een zee keeshain.”

4) Tiffany is married, and Ed’s “girlfriend” “Diane” (that’s her stage name at Archibald's) wasn’t happy with their superclose relationship of sitting on different beds in the same room and wearing each other’s sundresses.

5) Pea Pureegate is still anyone’s guess.

6) Ed has a fetching Pea Puree t-shirt which he probably made on cafepress.

7) The official Bravo shirt, though, is “Beast in the Kitchen” in honor of Kenny. Because he needs encouragement.

8) Kenny has a tattoo that says “Beast of the Kitchen” all the fuck over his abs, just in case there are any of you who didn’t think he was a giant fucking douchebag with an overinflated ego.

9) Stephen’s food sucked.

10) Stew room hijinks!

11) John’s hair still looks like a jizzpossum.

12) Gail talks about the difference between being a judge on Top Chef and a host/judge on Top Chef Just Desserts. This is neither more nor less than a blatant plug for Top Chef Just Desserts.


13) Judge Hijinks! This is probably the longest segment in the first 40 minutes of the show, and the only one that’s even remotely amusing.

14) At this point, I had to get up and make myself a small margarita.

15) Fakeback! If the cheftestants hooked up, they would have some fucking ugly babies.

16) The opener reset to porn music. Stay classy, Bravo.

17) Angelo thinks he’s humble and gracious. Everyone else thinks he’s a Russian spy who deliberately sabotaged his competition.

18) These people find anything to do with plastic wrap hilarious.

19) Andy Cohen wants you to watch his weird little chat show to find out who the fan favorite is. (Seriously, my occasional indulgence in Watch What Happens Live is one of the great shames of my life)

20) The all star/season 8 cast premiering December first. From Season 1: Stephen and Tiffani! Season 2: Elia and Marcel! Season 3: Dale! Casey! and Tre! Season 4: Blais! Dale! Antonia! Spike! Season 5: Fabio! Carla! Jamie! Season 6: Jennifer!!! Mike. And Season 7: Angelo and Tiffany.

21) Tom is still making excuses for Tiffani Faison "ooooh, if she hadn't tried to do too much, she would've won the first season." It’s a little gross.

And that’s it. And let’s never speak of these people again. Except Tiffany and Angelo, who we’ll talk about for as long as they can keep their heads above water once Season 8/All Stars gets underway.