It's That Time of Year Again. . .

It’s that time of year again, chickens! Yes, it’s the time of year when things around here get terribly, terribly confusing for everyone who comes around expecting talk about fashion, or cakes, or Tim Gunn and Swatch, or Sandra Lee, or reality TV, or. . .much of anything.
Because it’s the motherfucking playoffs, children. And it’s time, yet once again, for Jordan’s Fearless and Fairly Illogical Postseason Picks.

As you may recall, this is where you and I match our picks for the postseason against those of the venerable Washington Post and FOX Sports' tiny Ken Rosenthal. The highly scientific scoring system is as follows: in the Division Series, you get two points for picking the correct team and 1 additional point if you also pick the correct number of games. Points then double for each subsequent round (4/2 for the League Championship; 8/4 for the World Series).

You may also recall that last year, I got my ass handed to me once again, because the final scores came down the line as: Beefy Muchacho = 34; Tyler = 28; FOX = 26; C S = 22; WaPo = 21; alot, alot = 17; momogus = 13; JES = 10; jordanbaker = 10; Lisa = 4.

And that that was mostly because of my continued inability to respond to the Phillies with any thing other than “bitch, please,” and the fact that they always do the opposite of what I predict them to do. And as a result, the Dealing in Subterfuges All-Time Wall of Fame looks like this:
2009: Beefy Muchacho (34 points)
2008: I-66 (18 pts)
2007: FOX (20 pts)
2006: Jordan (23 pts)

So you know the rules, such as they are. My choices are governed by my gut and my fervent hopes, with the occasional limited influx of logic and statistics and whatnot. Yours can be governed by whatever you will. Leave yours—team and how many games it takes-- for the Division Series in the comments of this post, and remember that the Division Series is a best of 5 series, not best of 7. So you can’t say “Phillies in 6!” for the NLDS and expect to get anything other than a serious mocking.

This is a tough year for me to call, because there are three series in which I’d be mostly ok with either team advancing, and one where the thought of either team advancing makes me want to intentionally projectile vomit onto a little girl while I kick someone in the face with my cleats until they get a concussion. And the way that shakes out means that there’s a better than average chance I could end up rooting for an American League Team in the World Series, which I’m never comfortable with.

Also, let me just get this out of my system: in terms of narrative, any outcome that doesn’t involve Bobby Cox and a trophy is entirely unsatisfactory.

So let’s do this. Starting, as per usual, with the National League since they’re the only league that actually plays baseball:

Phillies vs. Reds. This is like Hosea vs. Sandra Lee to me. I think I’ve made it clear how I feel about the Phillies, and particularly about their fans – their laser pointing, intentionally vomiting on children, running on field and getting their underaged drunk asses tased fans.

Phillies fans: you are bitches. Sorry, but you are a bunch of sad, ill mannered bitches, and you should all be rounded up and shot unless you all agree to start actually watching the sport instead of merely, merrily using it as an excuse for poor behavior.

The only Reds fan I ever knew in person was my junior high boyfriend, who was rooting for them around the last time they were actually good. He later ended up in jail for something drug related. His older sister ended up student teaching my high school choir, apologizing for what an asshole he’d been, and telling me they (the family) had all liked me better anyway. This was the first time something like that happened. It wasn’t the last.

But my real issue is that while the Phillies fans are bitches, the Reds themselves are bitches – shit talking, cleat kicking, dirty fighting bitches. And I hope they die in a fire.


Jordan Says: Phillies in 4
FOX Says: Phillies in 4
WaPo says: Phillies in 4.

And then we have Braves vs. Giants. These are two teams I’ve spent a good chunk of my life actually loathing, and then suddenly become fond of this year. For the giants, it was learning that they had an Italian American seal as a mascot – Luigi Francisco Seal, or Lou Seal, as he’s popularly known. How can I hate a team that no longer has Barry Bonds AND has a cuddly sea mammal who’s also my paisan (and makes me think of Arrested Development) as a mascot?


For the Braves, it’s all about the fact that a weird affection for Bobby Cox suddenly and inexplicably blossomed after their series, here wherein some idiot gave him a cake with his name hilariously misspelled. And the fact that they picked up Rick Ankiel. And the fact that in the games of theirs I’ve seen this year, I just really like the way they played.

Jordan Says: Braves in 5
FOX Says: Giants in 5
WaPo Says: Giants in 5


And now for that other league where they play some warped variation of baseball that does not require their fat sissy boy pitchers to actually play the game. (WaPo’s website is late with their AL picks, so I’ll update those later in the day [UPDATED at 5:20 p.m. -- if I'd looked at my paper copy instead of the website, I would've had the info this morning]).

Rays vs. Rangers: I still have my insane old man crush on Joe Maddon. The Rangers are from Texas. I do not care for Texas, even though the Rangers are almost exempt from that since they used to be the Washington Senators.

Jordan Says: Rays in 4
Fox Says: Rays in 5
WaPo Says: Rays in 4


Finally, we have the Yankees vs. the Twins. As you know, my Yankees hate has ebbed somewhat of late, largely due to my awesome experience at the old Yankee Stadium and the fact that Red Sox and Phillies fans have so far outstripped Yankees fans in terms of overall douchebaggery that it’s not even funny.

(Congratulations, Boston and Philadelphia fans. You’ve made Yankees fans look classy. I never thought that would be possible)

At the same time, I’ve semi-rooted for the Twins my whole life. They’re from Minnesota; I was 7 months shy of being from Minnesota. They used to be the Washington Senators – the version that inspired Damn Yankees; I am a Washington fan and I love Damn Yankees. In fact, I bought Senators caps decades before I moved to DC or the Expos became the Nationals.

So. . .


Jordan Says: Twins in 5
FOX Says: Yankees (he doesn’t seem to pick a number? Let me know if you can find it)
WaPo Says: Yankees in 5