Project Runway: Congratuma-effing-lations, Gretchen. Bleah.

Fuck you, Michael Kors
Fuck you, Nina Garcia
Fuck you, Gretchen. Bleh.

I woke up this morning disastrously hungover, wondering if I had left my jacket in the cab on the way home; wondering if I’d forgotten to take my earrings out and if I’d put them anywhere even remotely appropriate if I had; wondering if I’d left my phone at my friends’ house.

And despite the headache, all this uncertainty gave me hope. Because if I couldn’t be sure about these things, perhaps I couldn’t be sure about the outcome of Project Runway either. Surely I’d just hallucinated the whole thing, right? The whole Gretchen winning, reunion tacked onto the front of the finale, weird, wrong, thing?

My jacket was flung over a chair. My earrings were in my jewelry box (though not the right compartment). My phone was in my briefcase, and after I’d used it to call in sick, I watched the finale over again and realized that I hadn’t made a mistake about that either.

The only way I can make sense of it is to think that Kors and Nina are actually trying to kill the show. They’re sick of doing it, and they can’t break their contracts, so they’re just trying to drive it into the ground by making stupid, indefensible decisions.

Anyway. I don’t want to think about this too much. It hurts my brain, and it already hurts too much from the Chardonnay slushing around in there. So let’s just look at what happened.

Morning! New York! Hilton Branding Opportunity Hotel Suite! Andy is sleeping Gretchen and her horrible red lipstick celebrate making it to Fashion Week. Mondo is straightening his hair. He and Gretchen talk about how they have a 1 in 3 chance of winning, and Gretchen says something totally insincere about how she didn’t think she’d make it very far in a last ditch attempt at sounding humble. Then she spouts some Secret type bullshit about how she “set the intention of getting here.”

If there was one thing that could make me loathe her more, it’s Secret bullshit about setting your intentions.

Anyway, she wants to make “myself and my community and my support system proud.” Community? Que? Is there a legion of sharp cheekboned bitches out there in Oregon? Because that just underlines my dislike for the Pacific Northwest.

Andy wakes up, they have some breakfast, and then they get a note about how some friends are going to meet up with them at Parsons.

And then, bizarrely, we’re dropped smack in the middle of the reunion. I do not approve of this arrangement. Having the reunion before the first commercial break of the finale? It goes against nature. And this is a particularly lame reunion to begin with. First we see an Andy montage. Tim congratulates all of them on making it a phenomenally wonderful season. Peach talks about her huge gay following. Casanova says the show taught him a lot of English.

People apparently get asked if Gretchen is really a bitch. She tries to be cute, saying “I’m not really a bitch, I just play one on TV,” and Ivy gives her side-eye and calls her out. April says she’d say positive things to their faces and then awful things in the interviews. Gretchen is all weepy and says it’s just her opinion, and that being a confident girl means you get categorized as a bitch.

You know what else gets you categorized as a bitch? BEING a bitch. I get called a bitch all the time – it’s not because I’m confident. It’s because I say bitchy things about people. I’m not confused about that, and if Gretchen is, she’s stupid, and still buying into the lie all our parents tell us about people not liking us because they’re jealous of our brilliance. It isn’t true, Gretchen. Either own the fact that you are – at least from time to time – a bitch, or curb the tendency toward bitchiness. Those are the only options.

We then see a Gretchen montage which weirdly downplays all her stankassedness. I mean, they show her fabric throwing with the Heidi-shill challenge, and her late-in-the-game disasters, but they don’t show her freakout during the team challenge. How do you not show that? What kind of morons are editing this thing that they’d pass up a totally golden TV moment?

Augh. This is probably where we should’ve known she would win.

We see a flashback on the evolution of Mondo and Michael C.’s friendship. Tim says the way they were all there for each other was “very moving and quite unusual.” We see a Mondo montage. Heidi claims that people ask her what the cast is really like. We see a montage of personality moments, including Michael C’s priceless Kors impression, Peach’s good china crack, and the wooly balls. Heidi says the season has been successful because they’re all so “real.” Ugh. Valerie says they all made themselves vulnerable. We see a montage about crying and emotion and vulnerability.

Heidi asks who they think is going to win. No one wants to answer – they all say bullshit about 3-way ties. Tim hustles the finalists back to the workroom. And we finally get a commercial.

Back. One day before the finale. Andy says the reunion reminded them how much they’ve gone through. Gretchen works on styling her clothes with more drama. Mondo has a zipper issue.

Tim-thru! He reminds them that they’re only showing 10 looks, so they have to remove one from their collections after the addition last episode.

Mondo is working to find a balance between costumey and showmanship. Tim doesn’t see Mondo in the plain black gown he’s made for his finale piece, and prefers the gorgeous gown we saw last week as his “nod to evening wear” that still keeps his character.

Andy is keeping his 11th look because the judges liked it, but going to lose one of his bathing suits. His “avant garde” one has something that looks like pubic hair growing out of the bottom. Tim points this out, but Andy somehow doesn’t see it. How can you not see it? It’s a giant mossy thatch coming out of briefs?

Gretchen says the judges didn’t love her 11th look because it was too casual. Casual = potato sack, apparently. Tim says the judges want to “heighten the aspirational” in her styling. Commercial.

Back. Tim tells them that Peter Butler from Garnier and Collier Strong are there to consult, that their models are there for fittings, and that they should use the Piperlime accessory wall, and then says some sweet things about how from his point of view they have 3 winners.

And then we have the usual product placement festival with the hair consults. The muse models come for their fittings. And then there’s more product placement with the makeup consults. And then more models come for fittings. This is used as an opportunity to highlight the different ways they handle management. Three of Mondo’s models don’t show up, apparently. They head back to the Hilton and talk about how excited they are, while Gretchen wears a top that it looks like she killed a Muppet to make. We see some flashbacks. They all talk about how much they want to win, and tuck themselves into bed. Commercial.

Back. Three a.m. the next day. Everyone wakes up and gets ready for the show, and then they head out to Lincoln Center. There are some more completely banal interviews about what a big deal this is. They all hug. Gretchen makes a snow angel on the runway to show what an adorable naïf she is. Naif fail, Gretchen. Naif fail.

Backstage. Mondo is still having model issues. Ninety minutes before the show, he’s freaking out about them being out of order because the wrangler arranged them wrong. Forty minutes. Tim encourages him not to freak out, and to make sure to check on his models in hair and make up. Andy is hemming pants. Mondo is still not sure he has all his girls. They have to pull in an alternate who has short hair.

Ten minutes. Jessica Simpson enters the audience, looking. . . not her best. She’s got the ponytail I sport on days I don’t have time to blow out my hair and can’t make it do anything else going on. And that’s all I’m going to say about her appearance. Commercial.

Back. Heidi struts out onto the runway in some kind of lurid red pants suit and welcomes them all to the Season 8 finale, saying she’s never gotten so emotional or so attached to the designers before. What the hell does that matter? Are they the best designers? The most talented group of designers? No. They’re plainly not. And last I heard, this was a design competition, not a "get Heidi emotionally attached to you" competition.

Anyway, let’s start the show. We open with Gretchen, who cries because her mom, sister, and best friends are there. Her collection is called “Running through Thunder,” because god forbid she go a day without giving something a made-up Native American name.

Her first look is a pair of grey running shorts and a cropped grey tank with a gross western wear blazer. Then we have a 70’s looking dress in browns and greens. The third is a pair of green buff pants with what looks to be a darker green leather inseam/crotch accent, and an ugly brown top. Four is a pair of camel-toe enhancing pants in a fabric with a sheen that would be pretty if they weren’t so poorly fit, and a rust colored top. This would actually be a passable outfit if it had been made by someone who knew how to sew a crotch that wouldn’t wander north’ard into your lady bits.

Look five is. . .a mini dress in the front and shorts in the back? It’s very odd. Six is a brown sundress. Seven is the weird lizard beach coverup with the shorts. Seven is dreadful pants and a midriff-baring top on a model who has a giant belly button. Eight is shorts in the shiny lizard material and an oversized top. Nine is another shitty brown dress, this time with a lizard-looking vest over it.

Ok, clearly I missed one in there, but they’re all so blah and so bland. . .just assume that whatever I didn’t catch was brown and/or green, and really ugly.
Commercial.

Back. Andy is showing next. He says he’s honored to be a part of this group, and that his collection is inspired by his heritage.

His first look is a silver capri jumpsuit with an acid green vest. Next up is grey pants and a grey tank top. Third is grey pants, a grey tank top, and silver blazer. Fourth is acid green shorts and a drapey grey top. More camel toe. Camel toe is apparently the new must have. Fifth is the pube bikini, but it’s got a coverup on it so it looks less pubey. Sixth is a cute grey one shouldered dress with fringe. It’s very pretty in a deceptively simple way.

Look number seven is grey pants and a floaty grey top. Eight is silver shorts and a rufled grey top. Number 9 is acid green pants and a grey tie-front top. The final look is his “11th look” – the neat acid green cocktail dress he produced for the final challenge.

It’s not awful, there just isn’t much to it. We don’t see any of the innovation we saw in the good work he did during the season.

Mondo comes out on the runway to wild applause. His inspiration came from his Mexican heritage, and he dedicates it to his grandmother Betty who’s his “spiritual guide.”

His first look is the black and white print shorts and top he showed last episode. Second is a pair of gold shorts with a high waist and a black and white top. Third is black and white leggings with a frighteningly tacky skull tunic – it’s like the bedazzled crap you buy in hotel gift shops in Sedona. Fourth is the adorable 11th look from last week. Fifth is an adorable black and white gingham bubble dress that I WANT desperately.

Sixth is black shorts and a confetti looking top. Seven is a fierce pair of high waisted black checked pants with a tee and a cropped blazer. Eight is a silver skirt with a polkadot top. Nine is an Aztec looking tunic with pink shoulders and turquoise cut-outs. And the 10th is that amazing Joan Crawford gone mad dress with the polkadots.

There’s so much that I love in this collection that it makes me willing to overlook the fact that a couple of the pieces are just tacky.

So we have the usual wrap up where the past designers and a few industry types weigh in on whose collections they liked. Jay Manuel liked Gretchen’s, because she used orange, like his skin. Or something. I stopped paying attention to anything he said years ago. Commercial.

Back. Runway. The judges have a little chat and then bring out the designers. Heidi says they were blown away with what they showed them today. Kors says each show was specific to their aesthetic. Nina tells them they’re all stars. Jessica Simpson loved many pieces, and hopes to wear them on the red carpet someday .

Heidi reminds them of the prizes and brings out their muse models. Andy explains that his inspiration was the Buddha Park in Laos. Kors says he loved that it was based on something so personal to him, and he loved the one-shouldered dresses because they were deceptively simple, but interesting. He thought the focus was a little narrow and there wasn’t much diversity.

Heidi wasn’t wowed by the first look, but liked the 11th look dress and the tie-front top. Nina says this is an evolution for him, and she was pleased by the softness, but she feels like he lost Andy. She loves the jacket the muse model is wearing, but thinks he went overboard with the Orientalism. Jessica Simspon liked the silver one-shoulder dress, and likes the mix of fabrics he used.

They move to Gretchen who talks about her whole “Running Through Thunder” thing again. She says it’s about the magic of working through challenges or some such bullshit. Nina thinks she did a fantastic job overall, and loved the prints and the fact that she provided a number of choices. She liked the “patchwork pants,” (the ones with the leather inseam and crotch accent) and says it’s a complete ready-to-wear collection. However, it was very monotone, and a dash of color would’ve helped, and the opening look was weak. Kors “gets” the girl and likes her vibe, but doesn’t get where the “techy looking leather” comes into the vibe. They all love the jewelry. Heidi found the collection a little repetitive, but says it’s “right now.”

Jessica Simpson asks a very good question – if you saw all this brown crap hanging on a rack, would you actually buy any of it? Ok, so that’s not EXACTLY how she phrased it.. . anyway, she says the collection lacked a “wow” piece.

Mondo explains the symbolism and elements in his collection. Kors says the collection was “molto Mondo” – very Mondo – and that it was eye catching and dramatic. Heidi thought it was great, and she loved the tacky ass skull t-shirt. She also liked the Aztec tunic with the pink. Nina says he’s very creative and she loves his use of color and the strapless dress, but she thought the decorative pieces were overwhelming, and that it starts looking very young. His first look was her favorite because it could appear to women of a number of ages, and she thinks he needs to add sophistication.

Jessica Simpson loved the personality of his collection, and thought it was very unique. She’s obsessed with the polkadot dress. Heidi asks why he chose to show it as his muse piece again after Kors and Nina were so hard on it. Kors liked the use of the same fabric with the silver skirt because the skirt and the legs relieved the print. He has a similar comment on the plaid pants, and also loved the skull top and the tunic dress. He worries that sometimes it verges into costume territory.

Then we have the bullshit why should you win thing. Mondo feels like he’s grown as a designer and a person, and he loves himself more.

Mondo, you win. You win life. Fuck Project Runway.

Gretchen says “I too have grown as a person while being here.” Copycat. She says she’s listened while staying true to herself, and thinks she could immediately make them proud.

Andy says winning would be an amazing dream come true, and it would let him start “the big dream.”

Heidi ushers them off the runway. Commercial.

Back. Kors says they saw three designers with very different looks. They start talking about Andy’s collection, each saying what their favorite pieces are. Jessica Simpson thinks he knew he played it a little too safe. Nina says there should’ve been some more modern “Andy” pieces. Jessica asks “did you guys scare him?” when she hears that he’s taken risks in the past. Kors thinks there was incredible work in the clothes, but the overall effect was numbing. They all agree that Andy’s out.

Heidi likes Gretchen as a designer and would wear a lot of her clothes. I wish they’d stop using that as a critique. Nina says she’s got a good eye and is “in tune with what’s happening” and “on trend.” Kors says she stayed true to the girl she is “as a designer and a woman,” but he thought the shorts and rompers were a bit repetitive. Heidi wonders if the clothes needed too much “help” from all the accessories. Nina repeats that “she’s in tune with what is happening in fashion now. Those clothes are current.”

Heidi likes the “wink” in Mondo’s clothes. Nina says he has incredible talent and is extremely creative. Kors says the tunic dress had an easiness that wasn’t costumey, but thinks he’s at a point where he doesn’t know how to edit. Heidi thinks his pieces were very wearable. Kors rolls his eyes and says a black dress would’ve been his best friend. Jessica Simpson says he’s a showstopper. Nina reminds him that she told him he was on a fine line with his clothes looking like a circus act, and doesn’t think he absorbed that.


So it’s Gretchen vs. Mondo. Nina thinks they’re equally talented, and they should make them both the winners. Jessica wonders if Gretchen’s clothes will be more ready to wear. Nina thinks they can both be editorial. Jessica and Heidi would both buy more pieces from Mondo. Nina reminds her that she liked Gretchen’s jewelry and Heidi points out “it’s not a jewelry show, it’s a fashion show.”

OH MY GOD, UNIVERSE, WHY ARE YOU MAKING HEIDI KLUM THE VOICE OF REASON???

Nina thinks Mondo’s clothes slant a little young while Gretchen’s has more of a range. If she were buying clothes for a department store, she’d buy Gretchen’s. Ugh. Since when is that the fucking criteria, Nina? You’re supposed to be looking for “the next great American designer,” not “the next Kohl’s store brand designer.”

Heidi points out that Nina would buy Gretchen’s line for her theoretical department store “because it’s safer.” OH MY GOD, STOP MAKING HEIDI KLUM MAKE SENSE, UNIVERSE. Nina says it’s not because it’s safer, it’s because “I’m going to be able to sell it.” Nina brings up her “circus” criticism again, and Jessica Simpson says “I didn’t think it looked like a circus.” Heidi says “as a customer, I can buy these and I can incorporate them in my closet and make them really wearable.”

I then had to go and put my head in the oven because I can’t believe I’m on Heidi’s side.

Nina tries to make the case that she’s judging based on what’s relevant and what she’s “seeing in the industry now.” Again, Nina – NEXT great American designer, not “who can knock off the shit they’re currently selling at Mervyn’s.”

Heidi says Mondo is more special, and Jessica says he’ll always be coming up with new things. Nina says that Mondo’s collection is the cousin to what Seth Aaron put out last season, and “it’s not about that; it’s about her style right now.” Kors thinks her clothes have “an easy kind of sexiness” and are more down to earth. Nina thinks she’s speaking to the moment. Kors thinks we’re in a sportswear moment, and then makes the ridiculous claim that “there’s more design in her clothes.” Idiot.

Heidi says Gretchen’s clothes don’t excite her, and Jessica says Mondo could dress a lot of interesting people. Heidi says they’re criticizing him for things they praised him for all season. Then there’s a huge fight about how split they are.

Apparently some sort of decision is reached off camera, or Nina and Kors replace Heidi with a replicant, or something, because they drag the designers back out on the runway. Commercial.

Back. Heidi tells Andy his collection was intricate and sophisticated, but they could’ve used more of his modern edge. He’s out. He says he has no regrets, and that he presented a collection he loves. He goes backstage and hugs his family, and says that the opportunities from here are endless, and it’s the beginning of so many great things.

Back on the runway, Heidi tells them this was the toughest decision in PR history. Gretchen’s collection looked polished and expensive, and she has her finger on the pulse of what fashion is about now. Mondo’s collection was fun and energetic, and his sense of humor showed through.

Heidi says they wish there could be two winners, but there can only be one.

Gretchen. . . is the winner of project runway. She fake cries some more and thanks them.

Mondo is out. Unbelievably. He says he thinks everything happens for a reason, and that this experience has proven what he’s capable of achieving and contributed to him as a person and as an artist. He says “I didn’t win Project Runway, but I won so much more.”

So Heidi congratulates Gretchen, who squawks about how she needed this so bad in so many different ways. She does a little fake ingénue jump in the air and says she feels like $100,000. Kors laughs coldly, perhaps already regarding his stupid, stoned decision.


Her family comes out and hugs her. Tim Gunn comes out and says “wow. Wow wow wow wow wow.” Because he can’t think of anything to say. Because it was a catastrophically stupid decision.

Then, mercifully, the DVR cuts out before I have to watch Gretchen’s horrible smugly face any more.

And that's it, America. That's all she wrote. That's the sour end to a relatively good season, even if it was good in a reality TV personality way, not in a lots of really good designers way. How appropriate, then, that the prize went to someone whose bitchiness and insane rants made her a great reality TV character, even if she is a pretty shitassed designer.