Project Runway: New (Un)Balance(d)

Goodbye, Christopher
(Does anyone remember
Anything he made?)

Oh, Christopher. Oh, blandly adorable Christopher. On the one hand, it’s nice when the pretty-but-not-memorable ones last this long and give us something to enjoy looking at for so much of the season. And I seem to recall liking one of his designs early on, and I thought that if nothing else, his designs were usually tasteful and subtle, which I think is something that often gets short shrift on this show.

And maybe it’s especially apt that the pretty one was ousted in this episode, since the episode was nothing but ugly. Heidi’s attitude in the workroom was, as usual, ugly. Mondo’s petulance was ugly – I guess they wanted to show us something negative to mitigate the universal love fest from last week? Gretchen’s fabric throwing temper tantrum was ugly (as was her sucked a lemon sunken in mouth, but that’s nothing unusual). Ivy’s accusations were ugly. And the clothes? By and large, ugly. But is there really any other possible result when you’re told to make runway ready active wear for a line by Heidi Klum?

(and I’m just going to call the entire spirit of the challenge ugly too. “Today you will be vorking. . .for me. Vissout pay. Because it’s not legal to do zat to da zmall 3rd world childrens any more, so I’m going to exploit the shit out of you losers. And there’s NUSSING you can do about it, because you’ve signed an iron clad reality TV show contract, and we own your work, your soul, and – should you reproduce – your first born child for the next several years. Hahahahaahahahahahahahah NOW! SCHNELL! SEW MY YOGA PANTS FASTER!!!!”)

But we’ll get to that part in a minute.. .

Morning! New York! Atlas Apartments! Christopher and Mondo wake up and Christopher tells Mondo he looks like Edward Scissorhands. In the ladies’ apartment, Gretchen rejoices that she no longer has to wake up to the sound of Valerie’s joyous giggling, because happiness actually saps her strength. She needs misery to live.

Back in the guys’ room, Mondo says “the stakes are high. I don’t even like steak.” And Christopher replies “that’s deep, Mondo.” This is the best moment of the whole episode.

They head for the runway. Heidi tells them that she feels like they’re too comfortable with their models, so everyone much change. Mondo selects first, and takes Tina Marie. Christopher chooses Alessandra; Andy takes Michael C.’s model, Mika; April takes Rose; Michael C gets Andy’s model, Cassie; and Gretchen takes Milanna. The stupid part of this is that Mondo’s amazing model Ian is now out. Mondo feels bad for her since she had probably thought that his doing so well was a lock for her to go to fashion week at this point.

Heidi tells them that for their next challenge, they’ll be working for her (see parenthetical note above). They’ll design a head to toe look for Heidi’s line for New Balance. She brings out models wearing 6 of “her” looks – by which I mean the looks that she’s paid some other poor design interns 25 cents an hour to produce and let her slap her name on. They are all super drab, and kind of Flashdance looking. This whole challenge makes me glad I switched from New Balance to Avia shoes years ago – I don’t want to be associated with Heidi Klum or her Cold War Inspired workout gear.

Anyway, the winning design will be sold as part of Heidi’s line exclusively on Amazon.com.

In the workroom, they examine the drab athletic fabrics Heidi has purchased for them from a closeout sale of goods from some warehouse that made school uniforms for children in the former DDR. They sketch, briefly. Before you know it, Tim arrives to take them to Mood, where they have $100 and 15 minutes. They all spend all their time and money in the jersey and knits aisle.

Back at Parsons, Andy plans to do a sporty jacket and pants. April is making a maxi dress with kimono sleeves. Mondo is going for a more cropped and different silhouette than Heidi’s baggy, oversized line. And Gretchen is making a jacket because she thinks that’s missing from Heidi’s line.

Eight hours to end of day. Time for the misery of the Heidi-thru. Gretchen doesn’t like having Heidi in the workroom. I think this is the first time Gretchen and I have agreed on something.

Tim adjures them to listen to everything Heidi has to say and synthesize it into their line. Then he tells Christopher that Alessandra has had a family crisis and had to leave the competition, so Ian is back in.

Ok, is anyone else imagining Tim Gunn standing in Alessandra’s family home, calmly and fastidiously holding a knife to her father’s throat and forcing him to call Alessandra and tell her that there’s been an emergency? And then Tim graciously thanks her parents for their hospitality and apologizes for all the threats and inconvenience, of course. It just seems like every time there’s one of these model change ups in the show, something “tragic” happens to one of the models (didn’t Vincent’s girl get hit by a bus?) to let the model everyone wants to see there come back.

Heidi talks to Christopher about his design, but whatever she says is completely overshadowed by Gretchen opining that his look is flat. Then she challenges Mondo on his sizing. April says that without Mondo’s usual use of prints, his clothes are dulled down and look like something Ivy would make. Hee. Nice Burn, April.

Anyway, there’s a huge scene where Heidi is a bitch and Mondo is defensive and it’s just a mess. And I’m sorry I don’t have more details about that, but I was too busy having a screaming fight about which one of them was being a bigger jackass at the time.

Lesson: there are no winners in a situation like that – it only leads to hurt feelings between friends and spilled margaritas and a substandard recap for you all.

Back on the show, Heidi then goes to talk to Andy. She’s flattered by the way he’s been inspired by “her” designs. Mondo goes off to sulk. Commercial.

Back. Christopher goes to talk to Mondo, who is pissed about having to start over. Christopher tells Mondo he could win the whole thing because he’s so talented.

In the workroom, Heidi talks to April, and actually gives her constructive criticism instead of falling into her default position of either bitching or flattering herself by praising their ability to imitate “her” designs. Then she approaches Gretchen about not using the fabrics she provided. This is where Gretchen wigs out and throws a wadded up ball of black jersey at the wall. Heidi also isn’t thrilled about the “curly butt” on Gretchen’s leggings.

Michael Costello is working on a “poncho dress jacket with an oversized hood.” Heidi brings up “someone” saying he didn’t know how to sew, and playfully asks where that person is. “Oh, I forgot, she’s not here anymore.”

Heidi then tells them that they have to make two additional looks, for her line, but they’ll have help. Michael C. knows that this means past designers coming back, and interviews that he’d rather do it on his own.

Tim tells them they have 20 minutes to sketch the next two looks, and a $200 budget. They can also use some of the budget on their existing look if Heidi’s “critique” has caused them to rethink their designs.

Everyone sketches except Mondo, who plays with a pincushion in much the same way a cat might. Mondo is very much like a cat in some ways -- he's small and quiet and slightly strange and wonderful. I kind of want him to be my kitten's godfather. Anyway, Gretchen is wearing a badge that says “Hater.” Yeah, that’s about right.

Mood part 2! Tim warns Gretchen about “pushing the boundary too far.” Michael C. worries that his looks are for the Michael Costello collection, not the Heidi Klum collection.

Back to the workroom. Tim asks them to gather round, and brings in their help – Peach, Michael D., AJ, Casanova, Valerie, and Ivy. Michael C. says he won’t be able to do this. Commercial.

Back. Michael C. continues that he’d rather be gone than work with any of these people. Gretchen worries that the return of the other designers will mean chaos and drama.

So Mondo gets to select his helper first, and he picks Valerie. The rest of them pick in drawn-from-the-bag order. Gretchen takes Casanova; Christopher chooses Ivy because she’s a fast sewer; Michael C. takes AJ; April takes marvelous Peach; and Andy takes Michael D. Tim tells them they’ll have until midnight that night, and the whole next day.

Mondo says having Valerie with him pushes him to do something, because he doesn’t want to look like a dumbass in front of her. Gretchen frets about the “Heidi debacle,” and says she doesn’t feel like a designer anymore. Maybe that’s because you’re more of a stylist who makes basic “disco-earthy” rags that can be dressed up with accessories?

Anyway, it’s now Day 2. AJ confides that he was nervous about working with Michael C. Christopher is having a hard time distinguishing the good from the bad. Casanova likens one of Michael C;s looks to “the pompkin pie of Thanksgiving” and mimes the model walking down the runway with a turkey under her arm.

Ivy asks Michael C. how it feels to be almost to the end. He says he’s shocked to still be there. “Why, because you cheated?” she asks. Commercial.

Back. . to the accusations of cheating. Ivy says “we actually saw the dress you cheated on,” and alleges that he taped the blue dress from the Jackie challenge. He says that Mika used tape to keep her “cutlet” bra on (which I’ll support – those things lose adhesion ridiculously fast, and if you’re a model on a starting-out salary and wearing that thing on the regular, you’re going to be taping the shit out of the thing after three weeks of having it). Then Ivy spazzes out about the language she uses with her, and then accuses him of “talking shit” about people, showing what a fucking hypocrite she is. She also accuses him of “sabotaging” people by “playing the game,” as though that makes any sense at all. Michael leaves the sewing room, and Ivy says, “Good, Satan has left the room.” No, you gross, untalented, pathetic excuse for a human being – you’re still there.

Michael C. goes to speak to AJ who tells him everyone thinks he cheated. Michael says if he hadn’t had Mondo as a friend, he wouldn’t have been able to cope during the competition.

Ivy then goes to Mondo and gloats “I think I made your friend cry.” “Why?” Mondo asks. “Because he’s not a good person.” She then goes around the room bragging to everyone about how she made Michael cry. “I definitely believe in karma,” she says. And then her sewing machine misfires and she shoots herself in the eye. Hee. Well done, editing monkeys.

45 minutes left. Tim Gunn enters and says he hears there’s been an accusation about cheating. Ivy and Gretchen both say they saw top stick in the ladies’ room during the Jackie challenge, and that they went to the producers the next day and were told that it was too late to do anything about it.

Tim tells them that it IS too late, and that there’s nothing that can be done about it because there’s no proof, and no footage, and they didn't bother actually reporting it when it happened, and it’s a case of he said/she said, and frankly he doesn't seem to believe there's been any malfeasance at all. God bless you, Tim Gunn.

Day of runway show. Atlas. Andy’s hair is very tall. The boys joke about wanting a girl to go home. The girls think it’s Michael C.’s turn, but they’ve thought that for months now.

In the workroom, Andy is worried about finishing. Christopher is doing last minute touches on his looks. Tim sends the models in for two hours of the usual product placement rodeo.

Mondo thinks everyone should be worried. Gretchen approaches Michael C. and tells him “whatever happened happened, and whatever didn’t happen didn’t happen. This is as close as she’s capable of coming to an apology. Ivy’s eyes pop out that Gretchen has turned.

They do the hair and makeup thing, and then Tim comes in to tell them to thank their assistants and follow him to the runway. Commercial.

Back. On the runway, Heidi does her usual math trick and tells them that there are six now, and tomorrow there will be five. God, she’s better than the mathematical horse. The judges are Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and Norma Kamali.

Gretchen’s looks are first. They open with a gross white toga under a black bathrobe. Then there are some hilariously awful black pants, with a grey crop top and a white jacket (left). Finally, she has a grey and black bandage dress over biker shorts with a steel colored top coat.


Next are Andy’s. He’s made a white and black top with black and white pants, a grey/black hoodie with black pants, and a dress that I describe as “skellington hooker dress (heart).” So yeah, it does kind of look like a slutty skeleton costume for Halloween, but I love it.

April’s looks are next. She’s made a grey tunic with a black jacket; some gynecological black shorts with a baby-doll pajama top; and a long black maxi dress with huge kimono sleeves.

Moving to Christopher, we have some jean pants with a sad grey tank top; some sad grey pants with something. . .ok, my notes look like “pistachio top” but I don’t know what that means and a white jacket; and a weird butterfly dress.

Michael C. has made pumpkin colored pants with an ecru hoodie; reddish pants with a brown sack jacket and a grey tank; and a slutty “Indian Princess” costume (right). I’m so glad so many of them have embraced the upcoming slutty holiday season by making slutty costumes.

We close with Mondo’s looks. The first are some purply track pants with a grey and pink top; then a white tank top with an awesome jacket and some black yoga pants (left); and a white and black dress with black pants. And then we go to commercial.

Coming back, Heidi tells Michael, Christopher, and Gretchen that they have the lowest scores. They’re sent back to the green room, where Gretchen whines “I created 10 pieces in 2 days, and they’re good.” She’s surprised Mondo’s in the top.

Heidi bitchily asks Mondo where her “favorite” pieces are. Kors likes the kooky headbands and says Mondo stepped outside his zone, but kept his whimsy. He does think the bottoms of the outfits are kind of a throw-away though. Nina loves the same jacket I love, and Norma Kamali says they’re go-to pieces.

April tells them she was trying to make things that were high fashion but still comfortable. Kors loves the asymmetry of the long dress. Norma Kamali says color is her biggest issue with the looks. Heidi thinks they look like things you could throw on after the gym, but she’s afraid of the shorts.

Andy explains that he wanted to make comfortable clothes that are still chic. Heidi thinks the dress is super cute. Kors says the clothes are exciting but super wearable. Nina likes the lightness of it, but finds it a little Halloween. And Norma Kamali says the dress is really sweet, and it’s bold and graphic but still classic.

The good guys go back to the green room and send out the losers. April is surprised that Gretchen is in the bottom. Andy thinks they might be bored with Christopher, but April points out that at lease his looks were active wear, unlike Michael C.’s.

They begin with Michael C., who tells them he wanted to make things that were more fitted, but kept the looseness of Heidi’s line (or, as my notes say “keep Heidi’s looseness,” which makes me laugh). Heidi says he’s introduced a lot of new colors. Kors says he obviously had a few ideas, but he lost the easiness. Nina says the styling is trying too hard. Norma Kamali says there are some really good pieces there.

To Christopher, Kors tells him that his clothes “look so cheap, I don’t see a garment here that anyone would pay more than $10 for.” Heidi doesn’t think the dress goes with the other pieces. Kors says the pants are torture and that he “beat that with a rock.” He thinks the refinement Christopher’s clothes normally have has gone out the window with these.

Now to Gretchen. Heidi can’t see anyone “running around in the street in and being comfortable’ in any of the looks, and compares the bandage dress girl to “a sausage being squeezed.” Nina hates the vadgey shape on the bike shorts (my words, clearly, not hers). Heidi says the grey coat reminds her of a “bawth robe,” and Kors says the styling has killed any kind of easiness.

They slouch back to the green room, where Gretchen says she thinks Heidi hates her. Oh, bitch, please – you were overpraised for all that mediocre shit you churned out week after week at the beginning of the competition, and that pushed your (I suspect) already swelled head to its limit. And now you are all whine all the time about how you’re being personally persecuted every time you don’t win. Go suck on a lemon – it might actually make you look LESS sour and horrible.

Deliberation. Kors thought April’s styling was strong, but there was a lot of design. Heidi praises the ease of her clothes, and Norma Kamali thought they were good quality. Kors found Andy’s looks very interesting, and Nina said the quality of transparency made everything seem light and luxurious. She also thinks Mondo’s designs look expensive, and Kors says he knows how to finish cothes.

Of the bottom, Nina says Christophers were designed for a “pajama party” and Kors adds “at the retirement village.” He also compares them to “a big bowl of sawdust.” Heidi thought Michael’s proportions were off, and Kors finds his taste level scary.

Heidi calls Gretchen’s designs something out of an 80’s dance video, and Nina says the styling didn’t work. Kors thinks “the bike shorts look like her thighs are eating them,” and then they talk about her utter inability to take criticism. Commercial.

Back. April is in. Andy’s clothes were terrific, chic, easy, and relaxed. Mondo really listened to critique and ended up doing a great job. And the winner is. .. Andy! And as his “prize,” Heidi is going to have all 3 of his looks designed and sold on amazon.com as part of “her” line (the slutty skeleton dress, at right, is a "mere" $168).

Mondo is in. Gretchen is also in, but Heidi reminds her that “constructive criticism is not your enemy.” Gretchen goes back to the greenroom and reiterates her “Heidi really doesn’t like me” theme, but ends “I’m here, and I should be.” Gretchen, you horrible, sour person? If I lend you $20, do you think you could find somewhere to buy some self-awareness?

So it’s down to Michael and Christopher. Michael’s editing, styling, and taste level were questionable. Christopher’s clothes looked inexpensive and bland.

Christopher is out, of course. He says it’s bittersweet to get this far and miss out on going to Lincoln Center, thus, like all contestants, disregarding the reality that everyone aufed since Casanova went to Lincoln Center.

Tim tells him that they’ll “profoundly miss you” and that he “can’t imagine the workroom without you.” Aw, Tim’s got a little crush.

Next time! Mayor Bloomberg! Who among you will go to New York Fashion Week? (answer – all of them) And then the DVR cut out.