Project Runway: Pffffft.

April, cruelest month?
Cruelest runway decision
This was sheer nonsense

Ahem:

That was ridiculous.

That was sheerly and purely ridiculous.

The runway was a festival of ass pustules, and the look they tossed was one of the only ones that a) showed any sort of innovation instead of being a pleated column or something frequently seen at an Asian massage parlor, and b) wasn’t just butt ugly.

April, you got fucked. I’m sorry. Please take some comfort in the fact that you’re young, and this is just going to be the start for you – it’s not your last chance; it’s not your make it or break it moment. This is just the beginning.

Also, you’re being judged by the tackiest German in all of Germany (which is kind of like saying “the hairiest Italian nana in all of Calabria” or “the British OAP with the mankiest teeth in all of Southampton”), so you shouldn’t take it personally .

For the rest of us: let’s not try to make sense of this. Let’s just enjoy this picture of Swatch in a sweater:

I feel as though I’m literally in danger of falling asleep while writing this, both because of the relative snooziness of the episode and because I’m in that moment right between “I might be coming down with something” and “oh, God, I’m coming down with something” on the cold spectrum. So if you see a long line of vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv at some point, know that that’s just my head hitting the keyboard.

The episode begins right where the previous one left out – in the green room, right after the “work like little sweatshop elves for Heidi” challenge. Tim tells them to go BACK to the runway and meet up with Heidi again, because she has a surprise for them.

Sadly for us, but fortunately for them, the surprise is not “go back to zee vorkroom and make me ZIX more looks zat I can steal und use in my shitty overpriced activewear line!” She tells them that since they’ve been working so hard, she’s sending them to one of the most spectacular places in New York to relax. They head to the Presidential Suite at the Mandarin Oriental. “Sweeeeeet!” April says as she takes it all in.

We get a lot of long and loving shots of the hotel suite so that the Mandarin gets its moneys worth. The designers toast with champagne. Michael C. wonders “how the hell did I get here?”

This launches us into the first of about seventy million long scenes where the designers act all meditative about their journeys, and blah blah blah fishcakes. Gretchen says a lot of bullshit that sounds as though she’s quoting directly from The Secret. The only thing that really sticks is that Mondo says this has been “a journey to set me free,” which stands out because it’s the only thing that sounds even vaguely sincere given what we know of these people.

The next morning, they head up to a rooftop where Tim and Mayor Bloomberg await them. Boy, he’s getting around lately, yes? He was just on Wait, Wait. . .Don’t Tell Me! last week. Doesn’t he have a city to run, or poor people to stop from buying soda or something?


Anyway, the Mayor tells them that they get to draw inspiration from something that means the most to him – New York City. (I kind of wish he’d said “unicorns!” or something, because that set up was just way too obvious.” They can use anything they want to in the city (like they need his permission for this?), and he adjures them to “make it work!”

Tim further explains that they should be inspired by a New York landmark, and they’ll have $500 at Mood to execute their looks. They head off into the city with 2 hours to get inspired.

Michael C. heads for the Statue of Liberty because he loves her “beautiful draped dress.” Well, that’s a shitty and overly obvious inspiration. “My draped dress was inspired by this iconic draped dress.” Not exactly a stretch there, boyo. April and Mondo both go to the Brooklyn Bridge. Andy goes to Central Park.

Gretchen and her giant yellowish boots (are those the ones she used on her model in, like ¾ of the challenges? Did she steal them from the Piperlime accessory wall? Does that constitute using it judiciously?) go to the Lower East Side. She feels underinspired and doesn’t want to be too literal.

They all meet up back at Mood for a 45 minute fabric flurry. Andy and Gretchen both look for materials with texture. Gretchen also plans on doing a leather jacket. Tim warns Michael C. not to be too literal, and encourages April to do something different with her palette to surprise the judges. Mondo runs around like a little old man.

Time! Swatch, apparently wearing some sort of hood, bids them adieu for the season. Swatch reflects on this season’s crop of designers and the ways in which they were like every other seasons’ crop of designers, and the ways in which they were unlike anything except themselves, and perhaps rice pudding. He settles down into his pile of scraps, knowing that some of them will be back for the finale in a few months, and that they’ll all be replaced by a new group shortly after that. Maybe someone in that group will be a standout. Maybe it’ll take another few years. Swatch can wait. He has time, Swatch does. He and Tim have nothing but time.

Back in the workroom, Tim tells them they have until 11 o’clock that night and all day tomorrow. He says at LEAST one of them will go home.

Michael C. is determined to step it up since he’s been in the bottom the last 3 times. Gretchen says Michael reminds her of herself five years ago – making dresses because that’s all she could make, and replicating a lot because she was learning.

As bored with their shenanigans as the rest of us are, Mondo takes a long nap.

Commercial.

Back. Mondo is still napping. He eventually wakes up with only 2 and ½ hours left to go in the day, saying that the pressure caught up with him. Michael C. makes another back-up dress in case he hates his dress tomorrow.

We then get a giddiness montage where we see Michael C. and Mondo goofing off a bit, and Michael C. sewing with a long burqua of black fabric draped over his head. Underneath it, he does a dead-on impersonation of Michael Kors. It’s one of the only joyous moments of the episode.

Gretchen tells Andy his dress looks like a Madam, or a “mistress you’d pay to spank you.” Andy takes a second look at it and realizes “I translated Central Park as Mai Ling, the hostess at the restaurant who gives happy endings.” I’m forced to wonder what sort of restaurants Andy goes to.

Back at Atlas, Andy frets about Gretchen’s comment. Mondo talks about how no one woke him up because they all wanted him to nap forever.

Next day. Workroom. Andy says he’s not changing his dress. Mondo is afraid to cut the sequined green fabric he bought. He finally does, and decides it doesn’t work out.

Tim thru! He immediately supports Mondo’s decision not to use the sequins. Michael C. tells us that he’s “never seen more creativity in someone as I do in Mondo. And, so classy.” It’s a nice sentiment; it’s just that he expresses it in such an odd, immigrant grandma sort of way. So classy!

April is making an abstract coat dress. Mondo tells us that “April is doing April, and I feel like it can be translated as a little costumey.” Tim Gunn warns her to edit.

Moving to Michael, Tim warns him to look around the room and see if he’s being as ambitious as the other designers. He doesn’t like the prep he’s done for the back-up dress either, though, saying it looks like a “tortured mess.” Commercial.

Back. Tim has moved on to Andy, saying the dress looks like you. Mondo interviews that Andy’s execution is amazing, but he feels like he’s playing it safe. Tim warns Andy to be “careful that it not go slutty, and that she not look like one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.”

Why do I get the feeling that there is NOTHING worse in Tim’s imagination than looking like one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey?

Finally, Tim meets with Gretchen. Mondo tells us that Gretchen is “one of the more exhausted designers at this point, and her piece is definitely looking that way.”

Tim critiques Gretchen, and Gretchen gives a brown-nosing interview about how she’s “grown to love Tim in a way I wasn’t expecting.”

Ok, who the hell doesn’t expect to love Tim Gunn? “Her wooden teeth are really shiny tonight,” one of my friends says.

Tim sends in their models for a bit, then brings in Peter Butler from Garnier. There’s a lot of talk about hair, but all I hear is the Charlie Brown teacher sound effect.

After an inordinately long time in the Garnier salon, Gretchen talks to her dress form – the only person in the place she hasn’t alienated yet. “This one’s for the big time,” she tells Dress Form. Michael C. starts weaving something. “He’s either an idiot savant or an idiot,” Gretchen tells Andy. Commercial.

Back. Atlas. Day of runway. “Everything’s riding on what happens today, Andy reminds us. They hit the workroom, where everyone focuses in on their work.

Tim sends their models in for an hour of the usual product placement roundup. “I make your boobs look so good,” April tells her model. Gretchen thinks April’s look is witchy. “YOU’RE witchy,” I say to the television, demonstrating my awesome maturity. Michael C. ditches the woven shrug he’d made. They hit the handlebar moustache man makeup room, and then it’s time for the runway. And a commercial.

Back. On the runway, Heidi is wearing what looks to be a bedazzled top – like she bought a plain gold top at the department store and put the stone detail on the neckline herself with an actual bedazzler (perhaps as sold by “Tana, from National Television.” That’s one of my all time favorite commercials.). Anyway, she tells the designers that there are five of them, but soon, there will be. . .less than five.

“Oh my god,” we realize, “Heidi can’t do the math anymore.”

The judges are Kors, Nina, and guest judge/ season 4 winner Christian Siriano. The designers seem to be a bit underwhelmed by Christian, which I can understand – yes, he’s the most commercially successful of all the winners, but at the same time, you can see “don’t you work for Payless now?” written across a couple of faces. Anyway. Let’s start the show.

Michael C. has made a generic black gown with a really long slit. Gretchen has made an ugly brick colored skirt with an ugly lace overlay, an ugly, cheap looking leather jacket, and a shitty top. Andy has made a slutty Asian cocktail waitress costume. Mondo has made a weird little dress with houndstooth panels. And April has made something that looks like a costume for a porn version of a Jane Austen novel.

Sluts and Slutsability-esque as it is, though, it’s the only thing up there that I actually like/am not totally bored by. We spend a moment wondering if the reason Heidi couldn’t do the math is because auf-ing 5 of 5 designers leads to zero. Seriously, they should just give Christian the win again, because this is just five different takes on dull, boring, and awful.

The judges start their critique with Mondo, who tells them he was inspired by a view of the Brooklyn Bridge through the cables. Kors says he’s proved that color isn’t his crutch, and that he likes that despite being black and white it’s still “full of joy and full of Mondo.” Nina thinks it was a “phenomenal dress.”

“What the what????” we all say

Heidi restores some sanity by saying she feels like she’s seen this from him before, but Christian thinks it’s a really chic dress.

Next we move to Andy. Kors tells him that “the last thing I’m getting” from the dress is “Central Park.” Instead, he’s getting Blade Runner or a Robert Palmer girl from the ‘80’s. So that makes sense, but then we take a return trip back to crazy town when Nina says she likes the wet look, Heidi likes the lines, and Christian likes it.

They all rave about the back. “It looks like Wolverine had his way with her!” one of my friends says. We all just agree to admit we clearly know nothing about fashion.

They move to Gretchen. Kors is “so confused. I think you really lost your steam.” He calls the dress “rock and roll secretarial.” Nina says it feels like another designer took over her body.

Oh, Nina, you dunce. It’s the exact same shitty tank top she’s made in 80% of the challenges. How does that look like another designer? It’s pure, bland, tapioca lump Gretchen, all the way through. Wake up. The pregnancy is goofing with your brain.

Gretchen takes this opportunity to tell them she’s sick of the challenges and editing herself to fit into the criteria. Heidi points out that they had near total freedom for this challenge – Mayor Bloomberg gave them “permission” to use anything in New York as inspiration. Anyway, Christian thinks he jacket is cool, but the blouse and skirt are off the rack.

Moving to April, Kors tells her “the sameness is so numbing. You have made a version of this gown so many times I can’t count” (really, Kors? Really? There have only been 12 challenges. Even if she’d made the same dress every time, you can’t count to twelve?). He also says “there’s never any joy in your clothes,” and tells her the model looks like a “pregnant witch.”

Heidi wants to know why she didn’t use color, and Nina says this was a missed opportunity, and that she’s not certain April has any range.”

My head explodes from the sheer illogic of it all. Christian then says he likes it, and finds it beautiful and interesting. Thank you, Christian.

Finally, we have Michael C. Kors calls it a show stopper. Nina loves the back. Christian raves about it, saying it’s “effortless” and has “Old Hollywood Glamour” (most meaningless, overused fashion phrase ever.” He thinks the slit is too high, though. Heidi, predictably loves the slit.

Then we have the inevitable why should you go to fashion week, and which other designers would you take. Ugh, I hate this part. I miss why Michael thinks he should go, so I’m going to pretend his answer is “to make Ivy’s head explode.” He says Andy and Mondo should go too. Gretchen says a full show would give her the opportunity to show her Point of View, and that Mondo should definitely go. She wavers between April and Andy, but chooses April.

Andy wants to continue taking risks, and says Mondo and April should go. Mondo says he’s ready to push forward. He then launches into a really thoughtful defense of Michael C., who he says should go to fashion week because “he listens, and he’s not afraid to grow.” He’s torn between April and andy, but picks April. April rounds out the session by promising to put forth a beautiful collection and not just work in black. She thinks Mondo and Gretchen should also go.

Commercial.

We return for deliberation. Kors thinks Mondo really steps up to the plate. Christian, having only seen this one shitty dress, is unconvinced. The judges all give him sharp “go back to Payless,” looks, and he clams up and gets back in line.

Kors hopes “warrior woman” isn’t the only statement Andy had to make. They all think he made a very safe dress that day. Nina really believes n his fabric manipulation. Kors thinks Michael C. made “THE dress” of the day’s runway, but Christian feels like his work is “kind of accidental.”

Kors thinks April always does the same dress, and Christian says it’s a very tough dress. Nina thinks she hasn’t taken any chances, but Christain thinks designwise, her collection could be interesting.

Finally, Heidi finds Gretchen’s look unwearable, but Kors says it’s TOO wearable. Christian says it’s something you can buy in the street market. Nina thinks she’s lost her confidence, but that the ideas are still there.

The designers come out on the runway, and do a big fakey group hug orchestrated by Gretchen and her crushed velvet camel-toe inducing pantaloons. Commercial.

Back. Heidi tells them one will be out; the other four will create a collection, but only three of them will compete.

She tells Michael C. he’s had some very high and very low points, and today was a major high. He’s in. Gretchen seethes visibly. Michael C. talks about God and stuff.

Mondo’s dress showcased his aesthetic fantastically. He’s in. He’s proud of herself. He and Michael C. hug and cry.

Heidi tells Andy he’s also had high highs and low lows, but he did a good job today. They worry about his played out warrior woman aesthetic, but he’s in. He’s really thankful. Michael C. grabs him and spin hugs him.

So it’s down to April and Gretchen. April’s designs have run the gamut. Her dress had interesting design elements, but they feel they’ve seen it from her before. Gretchen is the only designer who made separates, but she’s lost her way. Her look was cheap and overly commercial.

But there’d be no show without her crabby assed interviews, and so Gretchen is in. She goes back to the green room and tells them she’s “pleased to get the second chance you guys got.”

BITCH, PLEASE. How many second chances have you had already? Look at yourself in the fucking mirror – you’ve been in the middle or bottom more often than you’ve been on the top. Andy and Michael have won as many challenges as you have, and Mondo’s won more. I hope you choke on your own hair.

At this point, I have to take a break from trying to make sense of any of this, and just enjoy this picture of Tim Gunn and Swatch, the only two islands of good left in this show:


Back to reality, though. April is shocked that they’re not going to give her the chance. Tim hopes she’s as proud of herself as he is, and tells her that this is “the threshold of a staggering career for you.” She says she’s proud of how far he’s gotten, but it’s bittersweet.

Tim tells the others that they’re the final four, and reminds them that ultimately, they’re competing for three spaces.

Next time! Home visits! Design diarrhea! This is my heart! This is my future! It’s always going to be evil, no matter what’s in it.