Top Chef Just Desserts: Extree, Extree! Eat All About It!

Erika seemed nice
But she didn’t say too much
So that’s the lesson.

Here’s the thing: I liked Erika. She seemed nice, and the margarita bombe she made in episode 2 looked amazing, and I think because this came so quickly after Top Chef DC and they were both black girls with short hair who seemed to know their shit, I transferred my residual Tiffany love onto her.

But I realized recently – maybe last episode? – that I really didn’t have much to base liking her on. We hardly ever heard anything from her that wasn’t directly related to the dessert she was preparing. I frankly don’t remember her ever giving a talking head interview. . .

. . .and that probably speaks well of her, since it means that she probably refused to talk shit about her competition, and so the Bravo elves edited her into some sort of charming mute. But the end result is that we know woefully little about her given that she made it halfway through the competition.

Anywho. Despite that, I’m sorry to see her go, just because she was one of the very few non-creepy non-horrible non-grating personalities left in the show.

Let’s look at the horrible, creepy, and grating personalities that are left, shall we?

Morning! Top Chef Just Desserts Loft! Danielle pours herself a bowl of cereal and laments being in the bottom again. She feels like she’s not progressing, but at least she’s still here.

Heather Horrible and her little hench gays are glad that Heather C. is gone “again.” Heather Horrible thinks Danielle will go home next, but she’d rather see Morgan go home because he doesn’t play fair and degrades women.

Quickfire. Please take a moment to take in the ill-fitting, dreadfully jejune dress they’ve put our poor Gail in. I feel like Padma is behind this – she’s scared of how well Gail is doing as host, so she’s sweetly offered to do the wardrobe, and made sure that it’s disproportionately stocked with just awful, awful clothes.

Gail introduces Michael Laiskonis, who is pastry chef to my future baby daddy, Eric Ripert. She then shows them an array of savory ingredients, and tells them that pastry chefs are using savory food to create bold and interesting new desserts. So they’ve got to make a bold and interesting savory dessert.

I’m beginning to feel that this episode is kind of Sesame Street-esque: it’s brought to you by the words “bold” and “interesting,” and the number 6.

As an extra challenge, they can only use on pot. They cannot use mixers, blenders, or ice cream machines. Danielle looks baffled. And then there’s an awful Dawn plug because they can wash their one pot as much as they need. Because of Dawn. Which is their sponsor. Dawn. Dawn, Dawn, Dawn.

One hour! Food flurry! Crazy Eyes Morgan steals beets (ew) from Zac and elbows Heather Horrible in the face. She gets a bump on her lip or something, and then complains about it. Crazy Eyes Morgan makes a belabored sports analogy to prove he’s straight “if you go to the post and Shaq knocks you on your ass, uh, you better not go to the post with Shaq.”

That may’ve been the most awkward moment in Bravo history.

47 minutes! Zac is having a hard time without all the fancy little tools he’s accustomed to using. Erika bitches to Danielle that Team Go Diva took all the bacon and hid it under their table. Assholes. 13 minutes! Yigit talks about how his family wouldn’t let him in the kitchen when he was a kid because it wasn’t a place for a boy to be, but they’re very understanding since he came out.

5 Minutes. Crazy Eyes Morgan is making sorbet with liquid nitrogen. He makes a giant cloud. “Oh great. That’s really going to work.” Heather Horrible says sourly.

Really, sourly as a modifier is unnecessary when it’s Heather Horrible talking. Everything she does she does sourly. It’s the only adverb that can accurately be applied to her actions.

Time! Gail and Laiskonis start tasting with Zac’s Steamed Beet Cake with Sweet Goat Cheese Cream & Lemon Thyme Gremolata. Eric’s Couscous with Milk, Apricot & Fig Compote & Prosciutto is next. He admits that he never works with savory ingredients. Danielle's dish is an ode to salad: Avocado with Candied Tomatoes, Basil Anglaise & Caramelized Corn. Crazy Eyes Morgan’s is Sweet Potato Risotto with Golden Beet Sorbet & Ginger Infused Carrots. Gail says “it’s got a lot of beet flavor.” Amazingly, she manages to make it sound like a compliment. Heather Horrible holds an ice pack to her lip sourly.

Yigit’s Chocolate Cremeux with Bacon & Caramelized Foie Gras is next. Heather Horrible has a Sour Cream Corn Custard with Roasted Beet Berry Compote & Mascarpone Cream.

The least favorites were Danielle’s which wasn’t sweet enough and the corn seemed raw. Eric’s was the least dessert like of all, and the prosciutto was an afterthought (prosciutto should NEVER be an afterthought, children. Prosciutto should always be right at the forefront of your mind). Heather Horrible’s was layered so they couldn’t taste the bacon, and the beets were undercooked.

Laiskonis then announces the top group. First on his list is Crazy Eyes Morgan. Heather Horrible shakes her head sourly when she hears this, but Laiskonis appreciated the risk Crazy Eyes took in using liquid nitrogen for the first time. Zac’s was moist and had a beet flavor. Ick. Yigit had an awesome refined plate and used foie gras and bacon.

And the winner is. . .Zac! Yay! I like him, even if his friends are assholes and his dessert would make me die a painful, blotchy death. It’s his first win. “I am no longer the Susan Lucci of Top Chef, Just Desserts,” he tells us.

Just in case you were wondering, Zac is still in the running for the title of America’s Next Top Gayest Bravo Reality Personality in the History of Bravo Reality Programming, Ever.

Anyway. Winning not only gives him his Sally Field moment, it also gives him immunity in the next challenge. . .unless he’d like some cash instead. Gail asks if he wants to trade his immunity for $1000. “Can we get a higher offer?” he asks.

“Would you be willing to trade it for . .. . . five. thousand. dollars?” Ok, Gail needs a cat to stroke or a small moustache to twirl or SOMETHING to make this scene just perfect. Anyway, Zac stupidly does it. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He immediately regrets the decision. Commercial.

Back! Time to hear about the elimination challenge. Gail tells them that the LA Times is one of the oldest institutions in Los Angeles, and tomorrow they’ll be celebrating their 128th year with a black and white challenge for staff and friends.

How is it that I didn’t realize until waking up this morning what a ridiculous excuse for a challenge tie-in this is? Who celebrates their hundred and twenty eighth anniversary? Did I really have that much wine with dinner?

Also, didn't Project Runway do a Black and White episode with the Los Angeles Times not too long ago? Why are we stealing ideas from the worst season of Project Runway, people?

Anyway. The chefs will be making black and white desserts for the event. Danielle screams. She apparently hates white food. “There’s a lot of creepy white food, like mayonnaise. . .it’s just so disgusting.” Ok, I don’t trust anyone who finds mayonnaise creepy.

Yigit is worried about the lack of color. He says something in Turkish that translates to “you should wanna eat the food with your eyes before you eat it with your mouth.” It sounds vaguely less cliché in Turkish, maybe because we haven’t heard it twice an episode, every episode in 7 seasons of Top Chef in Turkish.

Gail tells them they’ll each be making 200 black and white desserts. They have $500 and 30 minutes at Albertsons, and then 4 hours in the kitchen and a hour to prep the next day.

Albertsons! Everyone frets about how hard it will be to do just black and white. “They don’t make black disco dust,” Zac tells us. Eric, on the other hand, is fairly confident with black and white, and is doing a play on a Mississippi Mud Pie. He feels like he has an advantage today.

Kitchen! 4 hours to prep! Food flurry! Yigit says he likes the concept behind the challenge because he’s a news junkie. Yigit and Zac are both using tea, but Zac doesn’t feel like they’re in competition because they have different styles.

Danielle’s dish is literally in the shape of a 128. Oh, that’s uncomfortable. Zac is making a deep fried whoopee pie, fried to order. He thinks this will be a contender because frying is exciting. I think it will be a contender because it’s a DEEP FRIED MOTHERFUCKING WHOOPIE PIE. What else do you need?

Eric realizes he doesn’t have enough egg yolks, and he’s inadvertently hogging a mixer Erika needs.

Iuzzini thru! He meets with Erika first. Her blackberry is purple-er than she wants it to be. “Gotta be black,” he warns her. Damn, Johnny Iuzzini. Why you gotta be racial?

Eric wants to focus on presentation since he keeps getting dinged for that. Iuzzini doesn’t know how he’ll elevate a Mississippi Mud Pie. Heather Horrible thinks the headline for her dish should be “The Bold and The Beautiful.” She’s somehow using cranberries and pomegranate in her black and white dessert. Iuzzini cleverly points out that these things are red.

8:34. Erika’s headline for herself is “Black Girl is Tired.” She’s worried about the blackberries, but feels confident about her ice cream.

Loft. People are singing show tunes. Crazy Eyes Morgan thinks he’s going to “hurt somebody and get removed from the premises.”

Commercial.

Back. The chefs enter a black and white event space that is decorated with famous LA Times front pages. Heather worries that she should’ve listened to Johnny “as far as color.” Zac gets his oil going and batters and breads his whoopee pies.

Crazy Eyes Morgan is having a trainwreck – the syrup he dumped on his cake went through it instead of soaking in. He pours syrup on it again. Eric doesn’t understand Yigit. Yigit worries that he may’ve cooked down his compote down too far. Heather can’t find her white chocolate Rice Krispie treats. Morgan says it was on Yigit’s cart. Heather can’t prove anything but sourly decides it’s all Morgan’s fault. Morgan tells us “Team Go Diva, they’re all backstabbing liars.” Then we get the line we heard in the previews about how he doesn’t trust them any further than he could throw them, but he could throw them pretty far.

Because he’s straight. You got that America? Crazy Eyes Morgan is straight. And he knows all about Shaq, and the post, and loving women’s shoes.

The diners begin to enter. Everyone is dressed in black and white. Erika is scooping her ice cream to order. The judges come in next – Gail, Johnny, Daily Candy Girl, and Laiskonis all dressed in Black and white.

They begin their tasting with Yigit, who has made a Chocolate Cake with White Chocolate Mousse, Berry Compote & Almond Milk Ice Cream. Erika’s is a Lemon Poppy Seed Ice Cream with White Chocolate Pavè & Blackberry Crème Brûlè. Daily Candy Girl said that Yigit was creative to make the fruit the black element. Johnny thinks he overreduced the compote, but Laiskonis liked it. Gail liked that Erika didn’t do chocolate, but Daily Candy Girl thinks her ice cream tastes like glue.

Next they hit up Zac’s station for his Deep Fried Whoopie Pie with Passion Fruit Cream & Asian Pear.

Om nom nom nom nom nom nom nom. . .

Morgan bitches about the “Julie Andrews quality” in Zac’s voice. Gail loves that Zac brought in a lot of different flavors. Iuzzini thinks his cake is really sweet and Laiskonis agrees that “it’s a lot of heavy and sticky.

Next up is Morgan’s blocks and columns of Chocolate Date Cake, Banana Anise Cream & Coffee Kahlua Jelly. They also grab a portion of Heather’s Spicy Chocolate Gingerbread Torte with Frozen Crème Anglaise & Blackberry Compote. Iuzzini questions her on the red elements on the plate again.

Iuzzini thinks Morgan did a really good job of controlling the sweet elements of the cake. He continues freaking out about the red on Heather’s plate, but Daily Candy girl calls it a “tasty little number.”

Then they get Eric’s Mississippi Mud Cake with Earl Grey Whipped Cream & Hot Fudge Sauce. Gail compliments his plating skills. He freaks out with glee. The judges continue to compliment the plating as they eat. We should really celebrate his plating here too, because he HAS come just such a long way:



Yay Eric! You have learned skillz, AND managed to remain one of the only genuinely likeable people in the competition! You are a WINNER!

Finally they get Danielle’s embarrassingly literal 128 dessert: Lemongrass & Ginger Truffle (“1”), Peppercorn Meringue (“2”) & Chocolate Sandwich Cookie (“8”). Zac thinks it’s not a dessert; it’s a series of petit fours that looks like “an amateur mistake.” Gail, however, seems impressed, but Laiskonis says it’s not cohesive and Johnny compares it to a petit fours plate.

Heather Horrible sourly feels confident because the guests loved it and said it was their favorite, but she doesn’t want to be in the bottom because o the whole red issue. Commercial.

Back! Fakeback! Team Go Diva talks about their inside jokes, like interventions. Yeah, that’s funny.

Really back. Pudding room. Yigit asks “anyone else have something missing off their racks today?” trying to start up the shit again. But there’s no time to start shit, as Gail calls back Heather, Erika, and Danielle.

They smugly and sourly trot off to the Judges’ Table room, assuming they’re the top three. Oh, I bet this is a shocking swithcharoo where they’ve called the losers first. Zac sighs and says “I shouldn’t have sacrificed immunity.” Well, duh.

Gail tells the ladies that they had their least favorite desserts. HAH love it!

Gail asks if Heather’s surprised to be there, and Heather sourly responds “not sure.” Daily Candy Girl points out that her dessert was “harvesty” not black and white. Erika says she loved her ice cream, but Iuzzini says it didn’t taste like lemon at all, and Daily Candy Girl says it tasted like soap. They also don’t think she used the blackberries enough. Daily Candy Girl says the meringue didn’t taste like much, and Laiskonis asks if she thought about the way the elements worked together. Iuzzini says she should’ve eaten them in order, or figured out how to instruct the guests to eat them.

Gail tells them to go back to the pudding room and send back all the guys. All the guys are still freaking out because they all liked their dishes and each others, and don’t understand why the girls got called first.

Heather Horrible sourly pouts because she doesn’t want the boys to “dominate.” This is despite the fact that two of those boys are in her clique.

Gail tells the boys they’re the best desserts. She asks if Zac is still happy he gave up immunity. “Now I am,” he says. Daily Candy Girl raves about his dessert and Iuzzini loved his ice cream.

Laiskonis was impressed with Morgan’s confidence, and Daily Candy Girl was really impressed. Laiskonis liked Eric’s combination of textures, and Iuzzini says this was his best dessert so far. Gail says Yigit’s was technically complex and showed what he was capable of.

And the winner is. . .Yigit. He’s glad to have his first elimination challenge win.

They return to the pudding room. Erika gives Yigit a half assed “good for you buddy. Good for you.”

Back at judges table, Gail says each of the desserts had a lot of flaws. Iuzzini thinks Danielle didn’t think about how the guests would eat her dessert, and it didn’t have the flavor. Laiskonis said she prioritized presentation over flavor.

Gail didn’t get a blackberry taste from Erika’s dessert, and Iuzzini calls her ice cream “unappealing and flat.” Heather Horrible relied on her technical skill, but Gail thought her concept fell flat, and Laiskonis thinks she has “a stubbornness – that she’s pretty much fixated on what she’s going to do regardless of the challenge.” Commercial.

Back! Iuzzini does the round up: it’s not Danielle’s first time in the bottom 3. Heather put out the dessert she wanted to put out without embracing the challenge. Erika overthinks what she’s doing and forgets about flavor.

Gail tells. . .Erika that her dessert just didn’t measure up. Booooooo.

She says she put everything she had in these desserts. She’s going to miss her new friends, and it made her realize she’s a lot stronger than she thought she’d be.

Everyone hugs her and it seems like Zac cries – it looks like she’s the only one everyone actually liked.

Next! Team Diva is on one side and team loser is on the other side. We’re putting a dessert spin on Top Chef Restaurant Wars. Yigit took ‘em all. I feel like this might be the end of Team Diva. Did you just tell me to shut up?