Top Chef Just Desserts: Heather Horrible Pastry Show

Heather Horrible
A sour personality
No dessert for you.

I’m feeling a little less ebullient about this episode than I did watching it Wednesday night, my little Fraisiers. At the time, I thought we’d be able to celebrate the comeuppance of two sourfaced self important bitches this week.

Alas. It didn’t quite work out that way.

But seeing Heather Horrible fall on her flat, smug face was nice, and how can you not love a Restaurant Wars episode? Yes, it was terribly predictable with the “totally coincidental” division of the team along house faction lines; yes they went even more overboard than usual with the “struggling underdog team pulls out the win” editing and storyline. But still. It’s like watching a Peanuts Holiday special. You’re not really in it for the surprises; you’re in it for the ritual of the thing. When there ARE unique twists, it’s a special treat, but that’s not a make-or-break thing.

Let’s look at the show.

Morning! Los Angeles! Top Chef Just Desserts loft. Heather interviews that she thinks everyone was happy she was in the bottom 3, because she’s been in the top so many times. Yigit is glad he won, and thinks there’s been a target on his back since the first day. He hopes that Team Diva makes it to the top 3.

On the other side of this equation, Morgan says that now that there are 3 and 3, there are factions. He wants to break Team Diva up because they’re all very skilled and a dangerous combo.

Quickfire! Johnny and Gail are waiting in the kitchen for them. Gail tells them from now on, the quickfire winner won’t receive immunity for that week’s elimination. The challenge is a Top Chef quickfire classic: the mise en place relay race. They draw cookies to see what teams they’re on, and by some “total quirk of fate” or producer manipulation, Team Diva all ends up on the same team.

Johnny explains the legs of the race. First, they have to mold 12 perfect tart shells. Then they have to make 8 perfect buttercream roses, each the size of a silver dollar. Third, they have to separate and whip 6 egg whites to firm peaks, and make sure they’re stiff enough that the bowl can be held upside down over their head for 10 seconds without falling out. Then they have to stretch strudel dough over the length of the table and roll a strudel.

Gail says that each member of the winning team will get $3000 furnished by Dawn hand renewal. “Seals moisture in!” Zac exclaims in excitement.” They have a minute to decide who’s doing which task, and then strap on their aprons. Heather Horrible says she’s absolutely thrilled to have her “boys” on her team because they “wanna win this, and we’re pretty determined.”

The race starts with Danielle and Yigit going head to head on the pastry tarts. Danielle finishes first, with Yigit close behind, but he has to start up again because some of his dough’s uneven. This gives Eric the chance to start going on the roses. Eric says they’re working harder to beat Team Diva. After Yigit finally gets his tart shells right, Heather whips through some roses, but they’re not as nice as Eric’s. Heather finishes a few seconds earlier with a bunch of ugly squat little roses, with Eric shortly behind her with some beautifully polished ones.

Then it’s Zac versus Morgan for egg whites. Zac is nervous because Morgan’s bigger and has gigantic arms. Creepy eyes Morgan gives Zac a creepy eyed stare of intimidation. He finishes first, but Zac finishes immediately after. It’s neck and neck going into the strudel stretching. Morgan has a technique with using the back of his hands to stretch, while Team Diva is just taking a slow and steady approach. Team Diva calls check, gets their dough approved, and starts filling it with the apple while the other team is still trying to patch up the holes in their dough. So Team Diva is able to roll their strudel and take the win.

Gail tells them about the elimination challenge – “a sweet spin on the Top Chef Restaurant Wars – it’s time for the first ever Dessert Wars!”

They’ll be working in the same teams to create the ultimate dessert shop experience. Each of them must create 3 items. There has to be at least one bread item on the menu. And the winning team will get $30,000. Danielle reflects that she’s the only one left who hasn’t won any money, and she really wants to.


Gail tells them to go next door and take a look at the starting point for their shops. Commercial.

Back. Each team walks into an empty shop space, complete with cases and tables. They now have 45 minutes for menu planning, as well as decisions about ambience, décor, and plateware. Team Go Diva wants to figure out a theme, and they come up with “adult candy shop.” That just sounds filthy. The other team is doing “comfort.”

The other team has a little squabble over décor and plating issues. Morgan and Danielle snipe at each other while Eric acts like the dad waiting for the kids to fight it out.

I have to say, this is such editing shenanigans. They show Danielle and Morgan bickering underscored with OMG DRAMATIC music, but at the same time, they show the team quickly arriving at a consensus and moving on. It feels like one dude on the editing team was all “ok, let’s do a very typical Restaurant Wars storyline with the team that fights and the team that gets along, and then the fighting team shocks everyone by coming together and winning.” And then another dude rolled his eyes at that and went along with it, but edited the fight in such a way as to show what a minor squabble it really was.

The chefs head to Albertsons for 30 minutes of shopping with a $1000 budget. Go Diva races through the aisles giggling, and discusses their plans to decorate with balloons and bubbles. “The Black Team has no style, whereas we’re the shit,” Zac tells us. “We are the best people in that kitchen, really.”

Morgan goes to the back and asks for bananas in Spanish. Yigit scoffs at the amount of produce the Black Team has and says that he has “no idea what their plan of action is, but I’m sure ours is better.” Ok, editors. Let’s see if we can make this “overconfident jerks” storyline a little bit MORE heavy handed, shall we.

They head back to the kitchen with 5 hours to prep. We hear an additional criteria for the competition – two of the dessert items have to be ala minute. “Team Diva is on one side and Team Loser's on the other side,” Heather Horrible snickers meanly.

God, what a skillet faced bitch. Mission accomplished, editing monkeys! Just when I thought they couldn’t be any jerkier, Good Ole’ Flat Face McGee pulls it out of the bag.

Team Overconfident Jerks are using an assembly line process to get their desserts done. Heather Horrible makes the dough for everyone, and rolls it by hand instead of using the dough sheeter. Yigit hopes it won’t come back to bite them in the ass. Foreshadowing!

On Team Trouble and Strife, Morgan can’t find two bags of lemons, and accuses Yigit of taking them. Yigit interviews that he didn’t take Morgan’s lemons, and that Morgan wants to see him go because he’s competition.

Then there’s some sort of swearing tirade from Morgan, who can’t deal with the fact that he’s not finished before everyone else. Danielle says they need him to “stop acting like an asshole, and if he can’t do that, we’re screwed.” Oh noes! I wonder if they will possibly pull it together in the nick of time!

Back in the lofts, Eric and Danielle try to talk to Morgan, who’s stressed about having to knock out 90 pretzels tomorrow. “I’ve had my worst day here yet today, I’m sorry guys,” Morgan says. Commercial.

Back. They return to the kitchen with two hours to finish and set up. Yigit thinks his overambition is working against the team. Then he spills a giant bowl of whipped cream on himself. Danielle and Eric fill their display case. Heather Horrible notes that the other team has a lot more stuff to fill up their case with.

On Team Egoface, Zac and Yigit are working front of house, because even they realize that Heather Horrible’s “not the best person to have in the front of the house,” what with her repulsive personality, utter dearth of people skills, and unpleasant moony mug.

At Team Underdog, Danielle and Eric are handling front of house for “Whisk Me Away” to minimize the public at large’s exposure to Morgan’s occasional fits of rudeness. Given what we’ve seen in the past, I’d be more worried about his occasional fits of creepy-eyed pervature, but that’s just the sort of thing I worry about.

The judges enter Team Shit Don’t Stink’s pastry shop – Gail and Johnny are joined by Nancy Silverton and Hubert Keller, who I’m thrilled to see again. Their shop is named “Pastry Playland,” and the judges order one of each item.

Iuzzini is impressed that they created little décor items like the meringue lollipop in the flower arrangement in addition to their assigned workload. Hubert thinks they should’ve filled the pastry display case instead of keeping everything on racks, and Gail agrees that the case looks “sad.”

Yigit introduces Zac’s desserts for their first round: a Donut with Wild Blueberry Jam, Lemon Verbena Milkshake; a Fennel Seed & Kalamata Brioche with White Truffle Butter (oh, god that sounds good) for their bread item; and Caramel Corn with Bacon. Nom.

Johnny is impressed that Zac took both a bread and an ala minute item. Keller says the donut takes him back to his childhood. Nancy Silverton approves of the brioche, but Gail thinks the caramel corn is inconsistent – some pieces aren’t coated at all while others are “completely drenched in bacon fat.”

Next the judges get Yigit’s desserts: a Chocolate Tart with Peanuts & Caramel; a Margarita Sorbet; and a Fraisier with Raspberry, Strawberry & Hibiscus Gelée.

Johnny loves the texture on Yigit’s sorbet, and Gail thinks it’s delicious. Keller doesn’t think the Fraisier cake is really identifiable as a Fraisier. Then we see some footage of them all trying to break through the tart shell, and basically needing a chisel to get through it. Yikes.

Back in the kitchen, Heather Horrible is struggling and grousing at the staff. Zac interviews that she’s not in a good place. She tells Zac to shut up. Zac calmly explains to her that they need to get the judges’ plates out because keeping them waiting will look bad, “and please don’t ever tell me to shut up again.”

Heather Horrible, immature little smutfaced bitchwagon that she is, replies to this very calm, very rational adult statement by saying “shut up.” Zac looks appalled by her utter lack of manners. “All right –“ he begins, and she says “I told you, shut up. Just deal with it.”

Seriously, I hope she falls head first into a dough sheeter. Her face is already two-dimensional (and her personality is one dimensional – sheer unadulterated nasty ass) – time for the rest of her to be pressed to match.

Back out in the dining room, Yigit introduces Heather Horrible’s desserts. She’s made a Lemon Cream Tart, a Frozen Key Lime Bar, and a Milk Chocolate Pudding Cup.

Nancy says that Yigit has a lovely presence, and Keller agrees that he comes across well at front of house. He also points out that you can see the finger prints on the frozen Key Lime Bar – it’s basically a scene from CSI. Nancy thinks that the bar also has a very timid flavor. Keller thinks the pudding is nice, but Johnny points out that her tart has the same shitty undercooked crust that Yigit’s tart did.

The judges leave and some patrons with special orders come in – one girl wants the pudding, but with raspberries on top. Another wants something made from “rich chocolate.” Yigit says that “people have crazy orders all the time, and you just have to suck it up, say yes, and just make it happen.”

Pardon my ignorance, but I really don’t see how “can you put raspberries on my pudding” qualifies as a “crazy order.” God forbid I and my “no beets or beet products, please, lest I die on your premises” ever darken Yigit’s doorstep.

Conversely, on the other side of the operation, they get a guy who’s allergic to “processed sugar and nuts.” THAT is a crazy order. And yet, unlike Heather Horrible, who gave Yigit some static and made him knock out the totally unreasonable “rich chocolate with citrus” special order himself, Crazy Eyes Morgan tells us “I don’t work at the No Factory,” and makes the dude who’s allergic to processed sugar and nuts a gorgeous deep red sorbet thing in no time flat.

The judges appear, and Danielle laconically welcomes them to “Whisk Me Away.” Gail orders one of everything, and the judges sit. Gail says the look of this shop is better, but Danielle is low energy compared to Yigit.

They open with Eric’s Chocolate Chip Cookie, Vanilla Malted Cake with Chocolate Buttercream, and Banana Loaf with Brown Butter Tangerine Icing.

Keller says that layer cakes aren’t his favorite, but the buttercream is nice. Nancy says it’s always nice to see a chocolate chip cookie that’s not made with prepackaged chocolate chips. Gail wonders if it’s not a little too simple, but Johnny points out that it’s good business since the cookie is a guaranteed seller. They have issues with the texture of the banana bread, but Gail likes the flavor.

Next out we have Danielle’s desserts: a Pistachio Shortcake with Lemon Cream & Strawberries; a Coffee Cream Pie with Hazelnut Brittle; and a Ginger Ale Float with Raspberry & Tangerine Lime Sorbets. The float looks so refreshing – I bet it would be so good in the summer.

Gail thinks the ginger ale is delicious. Johnny loves that she used the paper brioche cups to serve, but they all think the flavor on the coffee pie is a bit weak.

Finally, Danielle presents Morgan’s dishes: Pretzel Stick with Mustard; Chocolate Mousse Cake with a Crème Brûlée Center; and a Fried Lemon Pie & Salted Caramel Ice Cream.

Nancy loves both the caramel ice cream and the fried pie. They’re enthusiastic about the pretzel stick, and think his cake is the most sophisticated dessert of all, and that he showed the most range.

The judges depart. Heather Horrible says she hopes the judges can see how hard they tried on the challenge because “I think we are the better team.” Ugh. Morgan tells Danielle that her tangerine sorbet was bad ass, and he feels great that they, as a team, made people smile. Commercial.

Back. Fakeback. Morgan and Danielle both give talking heads about how sometimes they get along and sometimes they don’t. “She’s very much like a sister, who you have all this endearment for, but you’re really not friends. She can irritate me to no end, but at the same time I’m proud of her for succeeding, y’know.” Aw. They both seem so much less awful now that Team Pissypants has shown their collective ass.

Really back. Judges table. Gail tells them there were some “amazing highs” and also some lows.

Nancy Silverton appreciated the effort Team Underdog put into making Whisk Me Away a place you’d want to spend time in. Johnny says Danielle seemed a bit “too casual,” and that “just because the food is casual doesn’t mean the service should be.”

But let’s talk about the desserts. Eric admits that the proportions were probably off on his banana cake because he couldn’t remember the recipe. Nancy Silverton says Morgan’s mousse cake was “a dessert to be proud of.” Danielle knows in advance that they’re going to say the coffee in her pie wasn’t strong enough.

On the red team, Zac thinks Pastry Playland “took risks and put together a really complex menu” and put together a “dessert experience” instead of a “grab and go bakery.” Whatever, dude.

Keller says that Zac’s donut reminded him of his childhood, but the milkshake didn’t stand up to it. Nancy loves his brioche, which since she’s queen of bread is pretty awesome.

Heather says she was happy with her key lime bar. Keller points out that you could see the fingerprints, and Johnny says the flavor was weak. Gail asks if Yigit was happy with his tart, and he admits to thinking the shell “was a little bit thick?” Johnny informs him that “it was a lot thick,” and Keller pantomimes nearly breaking the plate trying to get through the tart. Heather Horrible does the first non-horrible thing of her life and owns up to making the cement pastry shell.

Gail says that they also noticed that their vitrine was next to empty. Zac claims that they got slammed right before the judges showed up, but we all know that we saw Heather talking about its emptiness before the guests ever arrived. Busted, Team Snootface. Zac then says “the display case was unfortunate, but in terms of the team, we’ll all rejoice in $30,000, and we’ll all sink as a team.”

Gail reminds them that one person from the losing team will go home, and says it’s really, really close. But the winning team is. . . .Whisk Me Away.

Danielle pretty much falls out on her teammates. There’s a lot of hugging and crying. “It was an amazing moment,” Eric says. “We’re the underdogs, but we pulled out something amazing.”

Zac can’t believe that the other team won, especially with Danielle “because I really question her cooking ability.” Oh, bitch, please. She schooled your boy in tart shells and made two desserts the judges really enjoyed. Question your own g-d abilities.

The judges send the red team off so they can deliberate. Morgan celebrates the demise of Team Go Diva.

Deliberation. Johnny says Zac’s lemon verbena milkshake was bland, but Gail was more bothered by the inconsistent caramel corn. Keller didn’t care for Heather’s key lime bar, and she made that cement pastry dough. Yigit’s Fraisier really fell short, and he used Heather’s cement pastry dough. They’ve come to their decision, apparently with a lot less sturm und drang and melodramatic music than usual. Or maybe it just feels that way watching it after the shitstorm of the Project Runway finale deliberation. Commercial.

Back. Johnny tells them that it all comes down to the details. They fell short on atmosphere and food. Zac shares the blame for an empty display case, and his desserts were inconsistent. They had “serious issues” with each of Heather’s desserts, and felt that “at this level, those tart shells were just unacceptable.” Yigit was good in service, but should’ve made sure the display case was full. And his Fraisier didn’t meet their expectations.

Gail tells. . .Heather Horrible to pack her tools and go. Yay! YAYYYYY!!!. Zac does the gay gasp in reaction, and Yigit actually starts crying.

Instead of having any grace at all about this, Heather Horrible interviews that “there were issues with everybody’s dish. I don’t know why I was asked to leave between the three of us.” Um, because you made inedible pastry? As one of the final 6? In a dessert competition? She continues being a clueless self centered moron, saying “I’m sure there were other people who shoulda left, but you know – shoulda woulda coulda.” Stupid bitch.

She goes to the back and Danielle and Eric both seem sad about her leaving. We don’t see Morgan’s reaction at all – let’s assume he either went on a celebratory bender or sacrificed a virgin and three yonge goattes to his creepy eyed gods as thanks. There’s more over the top weeping from Heather Horrible and Yigit. Jesus, you’d think the judges said “you have incurable cancer” rather than “pack your tools and go.”

Next! There’s definitely certain ingredients that I’ve become very addicted to. Now I don’t know what to do. What happened back there? It actually reminded me of the frozen petit fours that cruise ships buy and take out of a box.