Top Chef Just Desserts: I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream. . .Because We're INSANE

THE HELL????

There’s no haiku this morning, darlings. Quitters don’t get haiku, and what we had last night was a big ole’ mess of quitters.

But that is not to slight the episode in any way. This episode was fucking amazing. Let me count the ways in which I loved this episode:

1. Seth was shirtless; 2. Seth was crazy; 3. Seth was gone; 4. Heather C. is back; 5. Heather H. is a bitch; 6. Things – other than the contestants – are flaming; 7. Heather H. is a MASSIVE bitch; 8. Malika finally quits.

Let’s start with the back end – in a different episode, Malika quitting would’ve been a massive, obvious anti-climax –they’ve been playing the one-note of her desire to go home to her kids since week one. Hell, after the first half of this episode, almost anything would’ve seemed like a massive anti-climax. But they fed us the “Heather C is unstable! Heather C doesn’t want to be here!” thing so well that when they did that last minute flip back to Malika, I actually sat up in bed and went “What the WHAT???” And then my cat was all “dude, you take this way too seriously.”

(She was equally unimpressed earlier in the evening when I was chanting “choke! Choke! Choke!” in the last of the Phillies/Reds game, and then started clapping with grudging respect after the final out. Don’t forget to leave your picks, baseball fans – I won’t shut down the division series comments until the end of the first Braves/Giants game)

And then there’s Heather H., who is clearly a front runner and who I’d thought was kind of fun until last night. But seriously – what a sour little piss lizard! I understand being frustrated with Heather C.’s attitude when she’s essentially been given a second chance a lot of people would KILL for, but there was no reason to go off on her like that. And then her reaction to Morgan’s win was just disturbing. Look, you festering bit of feminine personal irritation – you volunteered to take the showpiece on singlehanded because you thought that would net you a lot of praise from the judges and an easy win. That backfired on you, but you’re the one who picked it. Stop taking it out on poor Crazy Eyes Morgan.

And then there’s Maude. Or Seth. What can we say about Seth? First, I’m glad we got to see his quite nice torso before he completely wigged out on us and had to leave. Second, I really hope that he’s getting help and that things are going better for him now, because that was NOT a natural reaction to the stress of the competition. That was sheer straight up nuts, folks, and from the other competitors’ interviews, it sounds like what we saw was just the tip of that particular sculpted sugar iceberg of insanity.

So really the lesson of this episode (if not the series altogether) is: pastry chefs be crazy, y’all. And it makes for some good TV.

Let’s talk about the episode, though.

Morning! Los Angeles! Top Chef Just Desserts Loft. Seth and his magnificent but psychopathic torso shave ...in the kitchen. I am torn between the yummy of the shirtless and the ew of the kitchen shave. Zac asks for “a bagel with cream cheese and stubble, please?” He reflects that there are two Seths – one who’s fun to talk to and “freak out Seth,” who can’t handle the stress of the competition. I spend a great deal of time pausing and rewinding this segment to try and make out the tattoo on Seth’s back. For. . .research. . .purposes. . .yeah, that’s it.

Meanwhile, Malika meeps some more about how she misses her family and isn’t feeling good about her cooking without them around. She doesn’t want to make a decision out of emotion, though, so she’s sticking it out.

Quickfire! They arrive at the Just Desserts Kitchen to find billions of cartons of Breyers ice cream on the table. Gail and Gale Gand greet them. Gail is really excited to tell them about the challenge: they’ll be creating the ultimate Breyers Ice Cream Sundae.

Seth celebrates because he knows an ice cream he can put together in fifteen minutes. Then Gail tells them they have to use the Breyers ice cream since Breyers is, um, you know, paying for the product placement and all. “Weak sauce,” Seth says, ruining one of my favorite insults forever. “I really don’t know what Seth’s problem is,” perfect corporate shill Heather H. tells us robotically, “I absolutely love Breyers. I’m excited.” Eric finds Seth’s “shaking and pacing” scary.

So the chefs go to the pudding room while the crew sets up for the challenge. Seth continues causing problems. Even Crazy Eyes Morgan thinks he’s insane with his freak out about paper cups. “Paper cups and grapefruit juice. I mean, these are Seth’s breakdowns,” Zac tells us. Hey, Zac – you forgot his mother’s red hots.

Seth accuses the producers of lying to him. Zac tells us that he then starts screaming for his passport and wallet and phone, but we don’t see this. And then Seth just. . .disappears, according to Zac. Yigit asks for a raise of hands from everyone who’s sick of Seth’s shit, and everyone raises their hands. Some raise their feet as well.

They talk some more about how insane he is, and then we hear sirens off screen. Oh my god, this is already the best episode ever (and I can’t believe I just fell into that hyperbolic trap –“OMG BEST EPISODE . . .of this series that’s lasted four episodes so far. . . EVAH!!!!!!!!!eleven!!”). Commercial.

Back. We hear the sirens again. An ambulance pulls up and we see a figure on the ground. Seth tells the paramedics he couldn’t breathe or feel his hands. He’s fainted from an anxiety attack. He says this has never happened before, and he feels like a crazy person. Well Seth, if it feels like a duck and it quacks like a duck and it hyperventilates about red hots and alienates all its competitors like a duck. . .

Anyway, he then gives a very subdued interview telling us that at the producer’s discretion, he’s not cleared to compete anymore, and he’s done. He says that he’s taken his dream away from himself, and he wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Johnny enters the pudding room and tells them that Seth’s no longer going to be with them. Heather hopes he’ll be ok. Danielle says she feels bad for him “in a human compassionate way,” but having him out is like “900 tons of pressure lifted off my chest.” Johnny asks them if there’s anything the production team can do to make this easier on them, and Erika says she just wants to make their sundaes.

So they head back to the kitchen. Yigit says you can see people feeling more comfortable now that Seth’s not there. Gail says “whaddya say we get back to making dessert?” They’ll each pull a scoop to determine what flavor they’ll use. They do, and we’ll just cover that when we get down to the final recipes. They have 30 minutes to create the ultimate ice cream sundae. And their time starts. . .now.

Ice Cream flurry! Eric plans to continue focusing on simple American baking. Malika is happy to be there for the challenge because the Seth craziness reminded her to have fun. Crazy Eyes Morgan is making a Sunday rather than a Sundae since Sundays are his day with his son. Danielle’s long term goal has always been an Olde Fashioned Soda Shoppe, so she feels like she has an advantage.

Three Minutes and Twenty Five Seconds! Yigit is ice cream obsessed, and eats a ton of ice cream since moving to the U.S. from Turkey. One minute. Running around in the kitchen. The Gail/Gales enter. I want to see a show with the two of them and Gael Greene’s Hat – we can call it Full Force Gail (Gale/Gael). Look -- built in theme song!

Time! The Gail/Gales start enjoying their sundaes (prepare for me to NOM at about half the entries), beginning with Zac’s “Black Forest is Burning” Sundae with Fried Cherry Vanilla Ice Cream, which involves the ice cream being breaded in panko crumbs and deep fried. Nom. Erika has made Chocolate Banana S'mores Frangelico Sundae. Nom, and the plating is amazing. Morgan cries tears from his Crazy Eyes as he explains his “Sunday Snack” Oreo Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream Sandwich with Chocolate Milk. Heather H’s is Vanilla Fudge Twirl Bananas Foster Sundae.

Then we have Eric’s Natural Vanilla with Sautéed Peaches, Brandy & Crisp. Nom nom, but hardly original. Malika has made Cookies & Cream with Malted Chocolate Caramel Sauce & Bananas. Nom. Yigit’s dish is Peanut Butter & S'mores Cookie Dough Sundae. Danielle’s is Rocky Road Meets Neapolitan Sundae, and the presentation is just kind of a mess.

Gail asks Gale to tell them their least favorites. She thinks Eric’s is unoriginal. They didn’t get the Neapolitain reference in Danielle’s. And she’s a little disappointed in Erika’s since it was just nuts and bananas (I think this is a bit harsh – it was beautifully plated nuts and bananas. And a chocolate coated graham cracker).

The top group are Zac’s, whose was interesting, Yigit’s fun combination, and Morgan’s contrast of textures and temperatures.

And the winner is. . .Crazy Eyes Morgan. He has immunity in the next elimination challenge. He says it feels good to have won by cooking for his son, and cries manly tears from his Crazy Eyes.


Elimination. For the next challenge, they’ll be working in three teams of three. But since Seth leaving threw them off on that plan, they’re bringing someone back. And it’s. . .Commercial!

Back! And the returning contestant is. . .Heather C! She thinks this will give her the chance to show what her strengths are. She’s not thrilled, though, about coming back to another team challenge.

Morgan, Yigit, and Zac get to be team captains since they were in the top of the quickfire. They pick their teams playground style: Morgan takes Heather H; Yigit chooses Erika; Zac grabs Malika; Morgan picks Eric; Yigit selects Danielle; and Zac lands with Heather C since no one else wants her. Zac names his team “Team Breakdown” because they’re prone to breakdowns.

Gail tells them that that night they’ll be attending a Lucent Dossier performance, and then making a dessert inspired by the performance. They have to make something on fire, and they have to make a dessert showpiece. And each member of the team must put their stamp on an individual dessert that has to reflect the showpiece theme.

So they head off to the Lucent Dossier Performance Space and watch a performance. Heather H. compares it to “Mad Max meets Cirque du Soleil,” and I think that’s pretty apt.


They return to the Just Desserts kitchen, where they start planning. Heather H. volunteers to take on the showpiece for her team, solo. Zac is nervous about having Heather C. on his team because she’s easily frazzled and threw people under the bus last time.

And the dessert flurry starts, with four hours to prep. Morgan’s team is calling themselves “Team Exotic.” Team Breakdown has renamed themselves “Naughty and Nice” because that’s their theme. Heather C. constantly asks people questions, leading Zac to tell us that she “can’t function as an independent individual.”

Yigit’s Team is “Team Sassy, Sexy, Sultry,” or as I like to call it, Cindy Brady’s nightmare. Yigit tells us he’s a natural leader.

One hour fifteen minutes. Zac molds his face in brown sugar – it’s kind of cool to see someone shoving his face into the brown sugar. Eric is worried about the fact that Morgan has immunity and Heather H. is a superstar, so if their team loses, he’ll go home.

Heather C.’s meringues dry out, and she freaks out and wants to walk out the door. Malika gently tries to talk her through it. Five minutes. Yigit tries to get Danielle to focus, because she’s making the sorbet wrong. He’s worried that he has to give her so much time that he can’t focus on his own dessert. Commercial.

Back! Morning in the Top Chef Just Desserts Loft. Malika calls her kids, and tells them she’ll be home before they know it. Foreshadowing? She says if she’s not cooking to win, there’s no reason to be there. Crazy Eyes Morgan feels terrific because he has immunity. Heather C. sits on the sofa with her sunglasses on and looks miserable. Crazy Eyes Morgan sits with her and listens to her talk about how there’s no joy left in it. He tries to reassure her, and she says she knows he’s right, but feels she’s turning it into a disaster.

Then things take a turn back to the cray-cray as Heather H. yells at her about letting her teammates down. She calls her selfish and a spoiled brat, and yells that she needs to suck it up. The fact that this comes out of the clear blue nowhere, that Heather H. is not on Heather C.’s team, and that Heather H. wasn’t even part of the calm, adult conversation that Crazy Eyes Morgan and Heather C. were having can lead to only one conclusion: Heather H. is kind of a bitch.

Over at the performance space, they have 2 hours to set up. Eric is trying to prep the flaming dessert and the space is so dark that he can’t see to get the anise and cinnamon out of the cherries. Morgan thinks the showpiece doesn’t represent the team’s theme of “Exotic.” Zac feels like their team’s showpiece is more personal because it’s not just “balls and columns and pulled sugar flowers.”

Five minutes. A bunch of Lucent Dossier types arrive and start doing some sort of living performance around the desserts. Yigit is frantic. The judges enter as well, and the Lucent Dossier people do their flame eating trapeze swinging. . .what the hell is this? Why are we watching this? I feel like we’ve never had to watch this much of the various Cirque du Soleil/Second City/Groundlings performances that’ve been part of Top Chef and Masters. And those are GROUPS I’VE HEARD OF, not some weird Los Angeles only Steam Punk Burlesque Circus, or whatever the hell this is.

Anyway, Zac thinks their team’s desserts really cater to the crowd. Lucent Dossier works in one more name drop so that they’re all branded on our brains forever. Malika thinks their team’s showpiece is the riskiest.

The judges start heading around. Yay, it’s a Hubert week! He is so infinitely preferable to Daily Candy Girl. . .it’s really not even fair to compare the two.

They begin with Team Exotic. Heather H. presents her showpiece, taking full credit for it. Then we hear about Morgan’s Mango Panna Cotta, Açaí Fluid Gel & Passion Fruit Sorbet; Heather’s Triple Chocolate Chai Tea Mousse Torte; Eric’s Lemon Caramel Roulade with Pomegranate Sauce & Candied Kumquats; and finally their flaming dessert, an Almond Cream with Spiced Cherry Flambé.

Keller thinks the showpiece was really effective. Iuzzini thought Morgan’s dish was thoughtful. He can’t figure out what Eric was going for, but Gale Gand finds it whimsical. The Gail/Gales both like the flavor and texture of Heather H.’s mousse torte. Then they move to the flaming dessert and Johnny and Hubert start fishing star anise out of their teeth. Oh, bad. But really, that’s maybe what you get for having them finish their prep work in the pitch dark surrounded by fire eating weirdoes.

Next we go to team Naughty and Nice, where Zac explains their showpiece and his Banana Crème Fraîche Cake with Red Curry Frosting. Heather C talks about her Black Pepper Pineapple with Chocolate Sherbert & Meringue Shards, then Malika explains her Saffron Panna Cotta with Feuilletine Crunch & Candied Ginger. Zac finishes up by explaining their“Black Forrest is Burning” flambé inspired by his quickfire: a Chocolate Cake with Flambéed Cherries.

Zac pets Heather C. on the shoulder – she’s not happy with her dish, but doesn’t want to go home a second time.

Johnny thinks their showpiece really captured the essence of the costumes. He thinks that Heather’s dessert is the least playful visually. Gail thinks the saffron panna cotta is the best thing Malika has made. Johnny thinks Zac’s cake is visually fun, and Hubert likes the risk of their black forest cake.

Finally we go to team Sexy, Sultry, and Sassy. Yigit talks about their showpiece, and then Danielle explains her “sultry” Chocolate Mousse Cake with Basil Ice Cream. Yigit has made a Crème Fraîche & Sweet Lime Bavarian with Tonka Bean Sorbet. Erika’s is an Almond Ice Cream Bar with Roasted Pineapple. Their flambé is a Almond Mirliton Flambéed with Bourbon Peaches. Except that it’s already been flambeéd, so the judges don’t actually get to see it flaming. This disappoints Johnny since a flaming dessert was one of the requirements.

Iuzzini thinks they brought a lot of elements into their showpiece. Hubert thinks Danielle’s cake is too dense, but Johnny likes the basil. Hubert thinks that the flavors in Erika’s work well together. Johnny thinks Yigit’s captures the feminine quality of the aerialists. Hubert is disappointed that they didn’t see the fire in theirs.

Over at Team Exotic, Heather H. is acting strange, according to Morgan. He says she’s “really, really bitter about something,” and “very moody, but I try not to take it personally.” Malika continues trying to comfort Heather C., but Heather C. won’t be comforted and fears Zac will throw her under the bus again. Commercial.

Back. Fakeback! Eric watches everyone else panic and slows himself down to counteract things. He does this mostly by flopping out on the floor doing some sort of vaguely yogic pose.

Really back. We hear some more sirens just to remind us of the dramatic way this episode started. Heather C. worries that she can’t go through a judges table if their team is in the bottom.

Gail enters and calls back Morgan, Eric, and heather H. “We put so much more work into that showpiece, I’m sorry. That’s bullshit,” Yigit pouts.

Gail tells them they definitely took them on a mystical journey, and are the winning team.

Johnny says this is the best dessert Morgan’s made so far. Gale Gand loved the textures and smoothness of Heather H’s. Keller says the showpiece brought in the theme of Lucent Dossier. Johnny is happy Eric is composing at a more sophisticated level. He thanks his teammates for helping him plate.

Gale Gand says that all three of them transported the judges, but the winner is. . .Morgan. He and his Crazy Eyes do a quasi karate bow. Gail sends them back to the pudding room without saying who’s going to be in the bottom.

“I won,” Morgan announces. “You’re welcome, Morgan,” Heather H. says. Then she goes off about how he did one dessert while she did a dessert and the showpiece. . .which she volunteered to do. Then she bitches about how Morgan isn’t a team player, and how she’s never going to “carry” anyone again. Oh, shut the fuck up, you caustic little bitch. What a whiny piece of nonsense.

Gail comes back again and calls the Yigit team back, since there are questions for both of the non-winning teams.

Iuzzini asks Yigit where the fire was in the flaming dessert. Keller says talking to them about it was an issue of being fair to the other team. And then Gail asks him to send the other team back. That was. . .fast.

So talking to the second group of losers, Iuzzini says Zac’s dessert was well balanced. He and Hubert both like the curry. Gale Gand loved the banana bread but didn’t think it looked finished.
Malika explains her dessert, and Gale Gand says it was one of her favorites. Malika then interrupts and asks to be eliminated today. What the WHAT??? Commercial.

Back! Malika explains that she doesn’t want to see any of her fellow chefs eliminated knowing how badly they want to be Top Chef.

Gail is shocked, and wants to reiterate that her dessert was exceptional. Malika is honored, but thinks leaving is the right thing for her right now. Gail allows her to go and pack her tools and go.


She explains that she doesn’t like cooking in a competitive environment, and that her heart is with her kids, and wants to go back to her life “and keep moving forward and challenging myself”

Next: People are a little bit threatened by the three of us. I love shoes! Especially women’s shoes! I could take it off the form and have it on you in ten minutes. This is a dangerous bon bon. It’s more like a bomb-bomb.