Top Chef Just Desserts: You Look Good Enough To Eat. ..

Gone again Heather.
Veg’tables are many things;
They are not a dessert.

What can we say about Heather C. that we didn’t already say two weeks ago? Well, the first thing that comes to mind is that I can now retract what I’d said previously about not liking the fact that she went out for making something she didn’t really believe in. This time, she either believed in her. . .salad dress, or she calculatingly made it as a surefire way to get re-kicked off. Either way, her leaving is the right decision.

Although, I will say that of the two salad dressers (and seriously, people – I realize that the parameters were “edible fashion,” but doesn’t the fact that you’re in a dessert competition clue you in to the fact that salad is not exactly what they’ve got in mind?), Heather C. definitely had the better looking petit fours.

Anyway, she’s gone again. We are back down to one Heather, Heather H., and after the attitude she’s had the last two weeks, I’m officially calling her Heather Horrible until she manages to reverse the poor impression she’s created.

Beyond the salad dressing (hee) and some of Morgan’s creepier statements about women’s clothes and shoes, and the antics of self-proclaimed “Team Go Diva,” there wasn’t a whole lot to this episode. . .or maybe it just seemed that way after last week. I suppose on the one hand, it was nice to have a pause from all the drama to get a breath in. But on the other hand, when you do that you run the risk of losing momentum, and I feel as though after building for the last two weeks, this week kind of slacked a bit.

Let’s see if we can sort out what gave me that impression.

Morning! Top Chef Just Desserts Loft! The chefs are all sitting around talking, and Yigit explains how “groups” of them are gravitating toward each other – he, Zac, and Heather Horrible are Team Go Diva, and everyone’s intimidated by them.

Oh, burf. Look, I have a couple of groups of friends where we refer to ourselves by a collective nickname. We don’t do it in public, though, because we know it would make us sound like assholes. Yigit and his buddies need to learn that lesson.

And then, schizophrenically fast, we’re in the Just Desserts kitchen and it’s time for the quickfire with guest judge Sherry Yard, who Danielle tells us is THE most famous pastry chef in Los Angeles.

Gail tells us that in this challenge, they’ll be testing all of their skills in one “infamous dessert” that’s “notoriously delicate: the soufflé.” They’ll have an hour to cook and full access to the pantry. And their time starts. . .now.

Soufflé flurry! They all talk about how soufflés are dependent on timing and egg whites and things. Zac doesn’t like soufflés because they’re too airy and he likes to be “hit in the face with flavor.” 2 minutes! Crazy Eyes Morgan edumacates us that the word soufflé means “breath or to blow.” Actually, jackass, it means to puff up or to blow up. But hey – speaking French is probably one of those things straight guys just can’t do, right? Anyway,h e says he’s not arrogant enough to claim he’s the best, but he’s a contender.

Time! Someone keeps yelping “Go Diva!” at every interval. It’s either Yigit or Zac. Once I find out which one of them is doing it, I’m going to fly to where they are and punch them in the nuts.

Gail and Sherry begin tasting their soufflés. First is Danielle’s Lemon & Lavender Soufflé with Blueberry Ginger Compote & Honey Ice Cream. Zac’s dish is an Apple Crisp Soufflé Glacé. Danielle reflects that Zac could sell “ice to an Eskimo” and the way he talks “you’d think he invented pastry.

Erika is not happy with her Lemon-Basil Soufflé with White Chocolate Raspberry Sauce. Heather Horrible has made a Chocolate Raspberry Soufflé, Grand Marnier & Godiva Cream. Sherry tells her that “the perfect soufflé is like a unicorn – and I’ve yet to see it.” The sound effects guys put in the ominous gong sound effect here, like that’s some sort of massive burn or something.

Moving along, Yigit’s dish is a lovely looking Chocolate Soufflé with Passion Fruit & Vanilla Bean Ice Cream. He tells us his boyfriend and friends relentlessly ask for soufflés. Finally, Crazy Eyes Morgan’s is a Gianduja Soufflé with Burnt Sugar Ice Cream & Raspberry Coulis.

Sherry’s least favorite soufflés are Erika’s, which was too sweet and a little heavy. Zac’s had no air. And Heather Horrible’s lacked flavor. Danielle rejoices that “2/3 of Team Diva were in the bottom three” because they’re “lame and, like elitist.” She’s growing on me, that Danielle is.

The tops are Crazy Eyes Morgan, Yigit, and Danielle. And the winner is. . .Yigit. Yigit tells us he feels like “this is what should’ve been happening since the beginning.” Oh, ew. He is doing whatever the reverse of growing on me is. Commercial.

Back! Time for the elimination challenge. Gail tells them that Fashion Week in LA is just around the corner, and they want to throw their own fashion event. So the chefs will be making edible fashion. Zac is psyched because he makes a dress every year for International Chocolate Week. I resolve to be better about celebrating International Chocolate Week from now on. Gail says that they’re bringing in “a little help,” and a cart is wheeled out with a selection of shoes – a shoelection, if you will.

Zac interviews that Team Diva is obsessed with Gail Simmons’ shoes. Well, who could blame them? These, however, are not from Gail’s personal collection – they’re just inspiration for their designs. They’ll be starting “from the shoes up.”

Confession: I am not much of a shoe girl. This is at least in part because I have such shitty feet, with the flat arches and the bone spurs and what my podiatrist scientifically refers to as my “carnival sideshow freak toes” and whatnot. I like a good shoe, yes, but I’m not frenzied about it the way some women are. It’s one of the many reasons Sex & The City has always left me cold. That and the acting, the characters, the dialogue.. .

Morgan tells us he’s not a diva like the rest of the chefs, but he loves women’s shoes. Ok, Crazy Eyes just went Creepy Eyes. I fully expect him to tell someone to rub the lotion on their skin any minute now.

The chefs pull those ceramic "cookies" to determine the order in which they’ll select shoes. Erika is first, Heather C is last, and that’s all you really need to know. It’s shoes. Zac scoffs at Danielle for choosing an orange shoe. Morgan chooses some sexy red and black pumps. Zac is in the last two to shoelect, and has a choice between a frilly peach pair and a “dominatrix pair.” He takes the dominatrix pair “only because I can’t have yours,” he leers at Gail. Zac is now in the running with Morgan for the role of Creepy Uncle in this particular play.

Gail tells them that they each have to design an edible outfit to go with their shoes. . .but that’s not all. They must also create two “couture petit fours” to go with their looks. They’ll have 30 minutes and $200 to shop at Albertsons, 8 hours of prep in the Just Desserts Kitchen, and two hours of prep in the dining room tomorrow.

Ohmigod, Albertsons. I haven’t seen an Albertsons in AGES. Such a Western States thing. In Arizona, they were always the truly low-budge grocery stores in the borderline shady neighborhoods. And I think they were kind of notorious for their bad/illegal hiring practices, but I could be misremembering that.

Anyway, whether it was because of their hiring practices or for more legitimate reasons, they were able to keep their prices very low. You all know how I love to work in a good ex boyfriend story once in awhile right? And you all remember my college ex, Creepy D., right? Let me jostle your memory

My name is D
I live on the second floor. . .
I live downstairs from you
I bake you cookies of seduction
And tasty Kraft mac and cheese
I kiss with my tongue in threes. .

Well, one of his most well known character traits was his cheapness. And often when we talked about him, we’d give examples of his cheapness. Like “I’m not saying D’s cheap, but for two years after we broke up, he kept reminding me that I owed him $3.33 for the McDonald’s value meal I’d had on our last date.” Well, the best such example was that once he turned 21 (long before the rest of us did, since he lived in the dorms for all 6+ years of his college edumacation), he kept Albertsons store brand vodka in his dorm room. For the laydeez, you know. For the seduction. For the ones who take a little more persuading than the Kraft Mac & Cheese or the shared Olive Garden Entrée can provide. It was the most rank, nasty stuff ever. Not only was it store brand liquor, it was Albertsons store brand liquor. You could taste the feet of the peasant women who’d crushed the potatoes in every sip.

Anyway, back to relevance. The pastry cheftestants zip off to Albertsons. Morgan wants to make his petit fours hot and spicy to go with his sexy shoes. Zac wants to do a whip theme to go with his dominatrix shoes. He also buys two plungers to use as a chocolate mold to make his dress’s “bra.”

Heather C. envisions the woman wearing her shoe as going to a garden party, so she buys a lot of cabbage and radishes and things. This seems like an odd tactic to use in a dessert competition.

Back to the just Desserts Kitchen, where they have the leftover dress forms from Launch My Line and 8 hours to prep. Zac says that the chocolate dresses he’s made in the past have taken weeks, and boiling it all down to 8 hours is “bananas.” Eric senses disaster since he’s not a fashionable person, but he’s making a dress for a “domestic trashy housewife who’s going out on the town.” Crazy Eyes Morgan tells us his shoes are “total fuck me pumps,” and he’s doing a sequined version of a little black dress to go with them.

Danielle is using beets to die her slip. Bleh. Yigit is working in white chocolate to go with his blue shoes. Horrible Heather says the challenge reminds her of her mother, who used to sew and adopted her from Korea as a single woman. “My life would be different if I were not in these shoes right now,” she tells us. Oh, god. Do they give her shitty clichés in line with the episode’s theme to spout every episode, or does it just come naturally?

Zac giggles giddily about his plunger idea. His concept is a “burlesque showgirl warrior.” I love him, even though he and his friends act like douchebags sometimes.

Iuzzini enters. He tells them to drop their tools. “this challenge was about making edible fashion. Well, there’s more.” How much more? “The winner. Of this challenge. Will receive. 20,000 dollars.” (I’m ok with Iuzzini for the most part, but sometimes the pacing of his speech is so . . .off.)

Everyone squeals with excitement. Yigit tells us that he basically creamed his pants. Pastry creamed, I hope.

Back to work. Morgan is getting turned on by his dress. Horrible Heather scoffs that Morgan’s technique is easy, and she could do it in 2 hours. Then she talks about how he’s trashy as a person and degrades women. I don’t disagree with her. I just dislike her.

Heather C. is working with leeks and turnips and things. Again, I fail to see the dessert theme here. Morgan acts all relaxed about the fact that he’s finished early. Then he reminds us that he’s “a heterosexual male” and therefore by logical extension isn’t good with fashion. But he says he wants to put his dress on, and wear the shoes too. Of course you do, you big, straight, virile thing, with your straightness and your heterosexualtude.

Food Fashion Flurry. Erika is making a chocolate vixen dress. Eric worries that his cookies aren’t sticking to the dress. Commercial.

Back. Two hours. Heather C’s turnips on the bottom of her dress have dried up and she doesn’t like the way it looks. Zac wonders “what are her accessories? Ranch dressing? Maybe some croutons?” The molding chocolate won’t stick to Eric’s dress form. Twelve minutes.

Crazy Eyes Morgan doesn’t see the other people’s petit fours mimicking accessories. Since he was entirely finished yesterday, he’s making an extra “clutch” to go with his dress. The pastry cheftestants set up their presentation spaces. Heather C. worries about getting the sash tied on the dress. Morgan helps her out with a bit of wire because he thinks she’s not a threat to him.

The diners enter. Zac reflects that other people’s petit fours aren’t petit fours because a petit four should be one bite, and some people have made massive desserts.

The judges enter and begin their tour of the stations with Erika. She explains her “Chocolate Vixen” dress and her Raspberry Jelly & Pistachio Mousse "Earrings" and Lemon Milk Chocolate Ganache & Apricot Jam "Purse".

Gail says that Erika got a little sexy on them, and used texture well in her dress. Sherry say her accessories aren’t true petit fours, and Daily Candy Girl makes some lame mumbly joke about how maybe Erika thought the girl in the dress needed to take her laptop with her. . .or something. I largely ignore everything she says.

Next the judges meet up with Zac who shows off his “Burlesque Warrior” dress with Chocolate Passion Fruit and Lemongrass “Pasties” (Iuzzini’s blushing reaction to the “pasties” is ADORBS, by the way) and Coconut Black Tea and Pineapple Makeup Kits. He’s so adorable.

Sherry says this was Zac’s challenge, and Johnny agrees that the fact that the dress is wearable shows skill. He gets a sandy texture from the ganache, though.

“I totally offered to put Gail in my dress,” Zac whispers to Erika. She snort laughs. “Of course you did,” she says with a giggle. I like them both so much.

Next we see Eric’s “Flirty Homemaker” dress, with Cherry Cheesecake "Pendant" & Chocolate Cake & Banana “Clutch". Johnny Iuzzini thought his dress was poorly executed, but the cheesecake is pretty damn good.

We move on to Heather C’s “Garden Dress” with a Chocolate Caramel "Clutch" with Maldon Sea Salt and a Chambord Fleur De Lys "Hair Pin”. The judges are not impressed by her vegetable dress, since it’s a dessert challenge, but they do like her caramel.

Yigit tells the judges about his “Ice Warrior Princess” who gets a Raspberry & Pinot Noir Ice Cream "Hair Pin"and an Olive Oil & Citrus Cake "Brooch”. Daily Candy Girl thinks the dress is right off the runway. Sherry says the flavor in his brooch “pops” is flat.

Crazy Eyes Morgan presents his Little Black Dress with Spiced Raspberry "Ruby Ring" Bonbon, and Red Hot Cinnamon Macaron "Earring”. Daily Candy Girl says he made a sexy dress. Iuzzini says his petit four is like “if a red hot and a macaroon had a baby,” and Gail replies “I am all for that baby.”

Next is Heather Horrible’s draped chocolate dress with Lemon Curd Macaron "Purse" and Almond Cake with Raspberry Cream & Passion Fruit Caviar "Brooch”. Daily Candy Girl is impressed with her draping, but Iuzzini thinks her macaroons aren’t as good as Morgan’s.

Heather H. bitches about how her “6 year old nephew” could make Danielle’s carrot necklace before we see her Vegetable Dress with a Red Velvet Whoopie Pie "Purse" and Roasted Banana Ice Cream Bonbon "Watch." The judges are also not impressed with the dress, pointing out that “it’s Top Chef Just Desserts, not Top Chef Vegetables.”

Dear Bravo: please make Top Chef Vegetables. I really want to write about veg-testants.

Anyway, Sherry thinks her dessert needs some more acid. The judges head off to judges table. Horrible Heather tries to reassure Eric that his flavors are really good even though his dress was a mess. Hey, at least it wasn’t vegetables. Commercial.

Back. Fakeback. It’s all about nicknames they’ve given each other. And Danielle makes a lot of faces. And they all call Morgan Morganza, which he doesn’t like. Because of his straightness.

Really Back. The chefs wait in the pudding room. Erika wonders what will become of their dresses. Zac jokes that they’re eating them. Gail enters and calls back Yigit, Zac, and Morgan.

Gail congratulates them on having the best dishes. . .and dresses of the evening.
Johnny tells Yigit that his dress was exciting, beautiful, and chic. Sherry commends his detail work.

Daily Candy Girl says Morgan’s dress would “make a woman stay up all night dancing.”
Gail tells Zac that his burlesque warrior astounded him, and Sherry compliments the flavors on his pasties. “Zac, you’re a silly little bastard,” says Johnny.

And the winner is. . .Morgan. Again. WOW. Well, those petit fours are stunning, so . . .can’t say fairer than that. He says winning two eliminations in a row “feels awesome” and that he hopes people are realizing how much of a threat he poses. He thanks Dawn for the $20 Grand.

The boys return to the pudding room, where the other chefs halfheartedly applaud his victory, and he sends back Heather C., Eric, and Danielle.

Gail starts the critique with Eric, who admits that the challenge was incredibly difficult. Johnny tells him that the cookies were misshapen and Eric says he lost confidence and panicked. Gail says his housewife looked like she had a rough day.

Johnny asks Heather C. if she didn’t realize her dress was lacking pastry technique, and Daily Candy Girl didn’t see the garden party in her petit fours.

Danielle says she was happy with her dress, and says she wanted textures and colors she couldn’t get with chocolate. Gail calls her out for using the most inedible components, and sherry hated her watch, but Johnny wraps up by complimenting her red devil cake purse.

The chefs go back to the pudding room. The judges deliberate, and Johnny says he’s disappointed in Danielle as a Pastry Chef. But Heather C.’s dress, per Daily Candy Girl “was like a drunken sorority girl made it.” Eric was obviously stressed and lost composure, and his dress was a disaster. Commercial.

Oh my god, they’re bringing The Fashion Show back. There is no god.

Back! Johnny tells Eric he failed at the visual challenge; Heather’s accessories didn’t go with the dress; and neither she nor Danielle showed enough pastry techniques.

Gail tells Heather to pack her tools and go. Again. Well, that had a grim inevitability about it, didn’t it?

Ok, let’s pause for a minute and look at that picture of Heather C.’s petit fours. Beautiful, right? Here’s how I imagine the deliberation going: they couldn’t get rid of Eric, or they’d drop beneath their Bravo-mandated quota of quirky loveable gay types. So it had to be one of the two morons who made salad dresses for a dessert competition, and they decided to go with the one they’d already bounced once despite the fact that the dessert work she DID was lovely and precise, whereas Danielle’s was far less refined.

She’s proud to have pushed herself, but admits that it’s tough leaving for a second time, and that it’s been an honor to compete – it’s made her a better person.

Next: Morgan is very aggressive, and he elbows me. I find him disgusting, actually. Just disgusting. Team Go Diva. . .they’re backstabbing two faced liars. I don’t trust ‘em as far as I can throw ‘em. I can still throw ‘em pretty far.