Happy Thanksgiving Eve to the two of you who a) haven't left for your holiday shenanigans yet
and b) actually give a crap about this show! You are indeed the few, the prou. . . the few.
We all know we have a lot of crap to do this weekend, so let's get this ride going, shall we?
1. In the most predictable opening segment in all of history, we learn that House of Emerald is relieved not to have Calvin on their team anymore. House of Nami is NOT relieved to suddenly have Calvin on their team. And Calvin, having apparently developed an alarming sense of self awareness as he slept, feels like no one likes him.
2. Iman greets them at the Galapagos Art Space and gives them a garbled introduction to the idea of the femme fatale. In her mind, it’s a concept that a) has existed throughout history, and b) includes Mata Hari, “Barbara Stanwyck in Double Indemnity,” and the vampire. To both of those things I can only say: a) not really – the archetype of the dangerous and seductive woman may’ve existed “throughout history” (you’d still fail my class for using that utterly meaningless phrase, though), but the term itself is a twentieth century conceit; and b) yes, hell yes, and LAME. You have all the vast resources of the Bravo Empire at your disposal, and you come up with three examples, and one of them is “the vampire?” Lame. Way to wimp out and ensure that they all default to working with the concept that’s most part of the current pop culture landscape, idiots.
3. Also, I should point out that for awhile I thought Iman was greeting them in character as a femme fatale. But then I realized no. That’s just Iman.
12. Calvin tearfully asks if he can go instead of her. Iman and Isaac tell him it’s better if he stays and tries to compete. You can take that as a sign that they're starting to believe in his talent, or one of this show’s unwavering commitment to sadism. I know which one I vote for.
and b) actually give a crap about this show! You are indeed the few, the prou. . . the few.We all know we have a lot of crap to do this weekend, so let's get this ride going, shall we?
1. In the most predictable opening segment in all of history, we learn that House of Emerald is relieved not to have Calvin on their team anymore. House of Nami is NOT relieved to suddenly have Calvin on their team. And Calvin, having apparently developed an alarming sense of self awareness as he slept, feels like no one likes him.2. Iman greets them at the Galapagos Art Space and gives them a garbled introduction to the idea of the femme fatale. In her mind, it’s a concept that a) has existed throughout history, and b) includes Mata Hari, “Barbara Stanwyck in Double Indemnity,” and the vampire. To both of those things I can only say: a) not really – the archetype of the dangerous and seductive woman may’ve existed “throughout history” (you’d still fail my class for using that utterly meaningless phrase, though), but the term itself is a twentieth century conceit; and b) yes, hell yes, and LAME. You have all the vast resources of the Bravo Empire at your disposal, and you come up with three examples, and one of them is “the vampire?” Lame. Way to wimp out and ensure that they all default to working with the concept that’s most part of the current pop culture landscape, idiots.
3. Also, I should point out that for awhile I thought Iman was greeting them in character as a femme fatale. But then I realized no. That’s just Iman.
4. Tamara is just sour. She doesn’t want to work with the team. She thinks Cesar is bullheaded. She has a weird exchange with Isaac about whether he wears a bra. She designs for Mary J. Blige (not a femme fatale. . .as far as we know) instead of a disco vampire like the rest of her group. By the end of the episode it’s a relief to see her go just so we won’t have to put up with that awful “I’m in my early 20’s and I KNOW EVERYTHING” stank anymore.
5. Calvin explains that he’s designing for Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct “but evil as it could be.” His new team is actually impressed with his work and the fact that he doesn’t demonstrate as much bitchassedness in this episode as he has in the previous two. Cesar, on the other hand, irks his new group by being unable to stop himself from crossing the room to help out his old group.
6. Emerald’s fashion show theme is “goth vampire going to the disco.”
As utterly lame as that is, it’s entirely appropriate to what they produce. Their clothes are a lot of garish, tatty wreckage that looks like it was made as a Home-Ec project (do they still have Home Ec?) by some girl who’d rather be shopping at Hot Topic. Golnessa’s tight mess is particularly egregious with its ripped lace and tacky ass cut outs.
7. Calvin tells make up to make his girl “shiny and slutty and evil.” Rolando tells him he just described himself.
8. The winning team, almost inevitably, is House of Nami with their ‘40s vampire theme. “It like Christmas all over again,” Calvin tells us. But don’t unwrap your presents so fast, Calvin, because. . .
9. . . .Eduardo is the individual winner, again, even though Isaac pretty much calls him out for doing the same dress week after week and challenges him to think outside the next box next time. Eduardo ALSO has to nominate a member of his team to be up for elimination with House of Emerald. He nominates Calvin, of course. Isaac then cements his position as Speaker of Truths by pointing out that this isn’t the best call for the team, and that some people on House of Nami are getting a free ride.
10. Iman is en fuego during the critique. She tells Tamara that her outfit doesn’t conjure the femme fatale (or, for that matter, Mary J. Blige), “ what eet conjoors is a SWASH buckler.” She also tells her “I CREENGED when I saw that.”
Then, when Isaac tries to make it sound like Golnessa’s awful, awful dress was a near miss (lost that truth teller job pretty quick there, didn’t you Mizrahi?), she dismisses him, saying her 9
year old daughter could’ve made it. Dita Von Teese tries to get in on the action by telling Jeffery that the top of his dress looks like “Dracula is going to work out,” but she just can’t measure up to Iman, who closes out the critique by telling Cesar he went down to House of Emerald’s level instead of elevating them to where his previous work had been.
She continues her hot streak with the “you can stay/step forward” portion of events, telling Calvin “your problem as a designer is your problem as a person. You don’t know how to edit.” To Cesar, she flatly says “you made a terrible dress, and hid it behind a worse cape. You can stay.”
OUCH. If Iman said that to me, I’d ask “actually, can I please leave? Please?”
11. Ultimately, Sour Tamara and Sad Golnessa are lured to step forward onto the trick floor, and Tamara is dropped through the trap door to the waiting pit of sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads. She leaves as snotty and wrongfully self assured as she played the game.
5. Calvin explains that he’s designing for Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct “but evil as it could be.” His new team is actually impressed with his work and the fact that he doesn’t demonstrate as much bitchassedness in this episode as he has in the previous two. Cesar, on the other hand, irks his new group by being unable to stop himself from crossing the room to help out his old group.6. Emerald’s fashion show theme is “goth vampire going to the disco.”
As utterly lame as that is, it’s entirely appropriate to what they produce. Their clothes are a lot of garish, tatty wreckage that looks like it was made as a Home-Ec project (do they still have Home Ec?) by some girl who’d rather be shopping at Hot Topic. Golnessa’s tight mess is particularly egregious with its ripped lace and tacky ass cut outs.7. Calvin tells make up to make his girl “shiny and slutty and evil.” Rolando tells him he just described himself.
8. The winning team, almost inevitably, is House of Nami with their ‘40s vampire theme. “It like Christmas all over again,” Calvin tells us. But don’t unwrap your presents so fast, Calvin, because. . .
9. . . .Eduardo is the individual winner, again, even though Isaac pretty much calls him out for doing the same dress week after week and challenges him to think outside the next box next time. Eduardo ALSO has to nominate a member of his team to be up for elimination with House of Emerald. He nominates Calvin, of course. Isaac then cements his position as Speaker of Truths by pointing out that this isn’t the best call for the team, and that some people on House of Nami are getting a free ride.10. Iman is en fuego during the critique. She tells Tamara that her outfit doesn’t conjure the femme fatale (or, for that matter, Mary J. Blige), “ what eet conjoors is a SWASH buckler.” She also tells her “I CREENGED when I saw that.”
Then, when Isaac tries to make it sound like Golnessa’s awful, awful dress was a near miss (lost that truth teller job pretty quick there, didn’t you Mizrahi?), she dismisses him, saying her 9
year old daughter could’ve made it. Dita Von Teese tries to get in on the action by telling Jeffery that the top of his dress looks like “Dracula is going to work out,” but she just can’t measure up to Iman, who closes out the critique by telling Cesar he went down to House of Emerald’s level instead of elevating them to where his previous work had been.She continues her hot streak with the “you can stay/step forward” portion of events, telling Calvin “your problem as a designer is your problem as a person. You don’t know how to edit.” To Cesar, she flatly says “you made a terrible dress, and hid it behind a worse cape. You can stay.”
OUCH. If Iman said that to me, I’d ask “actually, can I please leave? Please?”
11. Ultimately, Sour Tamara and Sad Golnessa are lured to step forward onto the trick floor, and Tamara is dropped through the trap door to the waiting pit of sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads. She leaves as snotty and wrongfully self assured as she played the game.12. Calvin tearfully asks if he can go instead of her. Iman and Isaac tell him it’s better if he stays and tries to compete. You can take that as a sign that they're starting to believe in his talent, or one of this show’s unwavering commitment to sadism. I know which one I vote for.
3 comments:
I'm strangely intrigued by this show!
Really? On what planet is Mary J. Blige a femme fatale?
Oh, and I sooooo was hoping for a reprise of the "DON'T MOVE!" thing! "Step forward" doesn't have quite enough zazz!
megarita: it is strange and intriguing.
CO'N: it lost a bit of the sting.
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