The Fashion Show Express Lane Recaplet: the two-for-one price is not valid at thisi location

Good morning, capillaries. Are you well rested? Did you get your full night’s sleep? Did your cat actually let you snooze until 5:30 instead of waking you up at 3 to play her favorite game “I’m going to knock everything off of the bedside table, and you’re going to try and stop me, and then I’ll eat your hand?”

Mine did. I’m so proud. This must be the way my friends with kids feel when their infant sleeps through the night for the first time. Except furrier. And I’ll never have to pay for college for her.

(unrelated: this is a stupid thing to be thrilled about, but when I was checking some layout related stuff this morning, the ad after the top entry was for comida Kraft, which is Kraft Foods en espanol. I don't know why, but seeing ¡Contigo en una Vida Deliciosa! on my garish pink page made me super happy)

Anyway. Have you counted the items in your cart? Are you sure you’re not going to be that person trying to sneak through 16 items? The one who gets the side eye from the cashier as she says “ma’am, you got too many items here?” The one EVERYONE HATES?

Good, then. Let’s do it.

1. Look at her. Look at that insane super-villainess outfit. I’m pretty much convinced that she made that shrug after killing and skinning Francine last week. Next episode, she’ll wear Mike’s hat with his bloody scalp still attached.

2. They’re tasked to go to one of those “Bodies” exhibits with the plasticized corpses to get their inspiration for a dress that’s based on the outside of the female body. Naturally, the straight guy is “inspired by female genitalia” because it “has a lot of folds. I love the vagina,” he tells us, and then he giggles. Dude, machismo FAIL. If you have to do the reality show of announcing your heterosexuality at every possible opportunity, then at least do it right. Don’t giggle.

3. I’m beginning to wonder if the mystery of Cesar’s grill is that he’s had corrective procedures for a harelip?

4. Mike, continuing in the proud tradition of all hat wearing guys on these shows to be lunatics and/or douchebags (see also: Bowler Wearing Jason, PR8; Fedora Wearing Spike, TC 4; Fedora Wearing Brian, TC 3), is apparently a lunatic AND a douchebag. For the douchebag portion of events, he spends the first half of the episode insulting his teammates and being the only one on Team Nami to not walk around in a perpetual state of happiness and well being. For the lunatic element, he had a breakdown about his work, and then left. Good riddance, as the other Nami-ans said.

5. This Stefan person? The Fashion Show’s fashion show producer? He needs to be a bigger part of the show. There are two reasons for this. First, he’s one of the elements that most sets the show apart from Project Runway. I’d really like to see the fashion show production and storyline aspects played up.

Second, he’s awesome. The look he gave House of Emerald after saying “so 3 wanted it and 2 didn’t?” about the face-tulle situation was AMAZING. I didn’t realize you could say “don’t you idiots understand the concept of majority rule? Can you not do math? Are you that backward?” in a single, split second glance. But Stefan did. And it was amazing. Best moment of the night (close runner up was Isaac delicately calling Emerald Syx out for how stupid their name was now that there were only five of them).

6. Part of the challenge was to have a reversible element in their designs. Calvin’s adaptable parts are the only ones that really impress – most of them took “reverse” literally and made a red vest that turned into. . .a red vest. That’s nothing. But a gown with a jacket that turns into a cocktail length dress with a cape and a backpack? THAT, my friends, is a transformation.

He’s still a massive dick, but at least he DID something with the challenge.

7. Sentences I thought I’d never write: “the vagina dress is way too literal.”

8. Iman on Calvin’s dress: “Dad draiss haz moar treecks dan a hookair.”

9. House of Nami wins for the second week in a row, and it’s well deserved – Emerald Syx had two good dresses and a bunch of tacky, shiny, crap that looked like it was made from the same material as my 1993-94 high school Jazz Choir dress. Individually, Eduardo wins the show for the week. I would’ve given it to Cesar, but I’m a whore for fringe. And Eduardo’s was a very close second. Also, I don’t know if I mentioned this last week, but the winners apparently get an extra hour of work time for the following week (Cesar must have used that time to whip out the sixth look after Mike left) and an extra $500 for materials if they make the final.

10. Iman tells Calvin that even though his look is strong “you are stubborn. You are a deektator.” I fully expect her to follow up by saying “Congratulations. You are still in the running to be America’s Next Top Fascist.”

11. Then because Mike and his hat quit and they can’t afford to axe two designers in a single episode since they only started with 12 and will quickly be out of cast members if they did, Iman calls team Nami out on the runway and tells them “you have prove yourself able to roll with the punches. Brace yourself for another one.”

And then she sticks Calvin on their team. Lady, that is not just a punch – that is a NUT PUNCH. And on top of that, Cesar is the one who volunteers to go over to House of Emerald in his place. So they’ve lost their calm center, the guy they all trusted as a de facto leader, and gained a guy who keeps screaming things about how he doesn’t want to work on a team, calling his teammates evil, and yelling at everyone to fuck off in mangled English. Yes. That should work out well.