The Fashion Show: Express Lane Recaplet, Episode 1

So we got to the first commercial of The Fashion Show last night, and one of my friends looked at me and said “are you recapping this?” And I said “I don’t knooooooooooooooooooooooow.”

Because there are two factors at work here, tomatoes. The first is that I have kind of hit my breaking point with this whole blow-by-blow recaps of two different shows on subsequent days thing, and I don’t really see starting that up again for a show that on the first go-round was so utterly loathsome that I gave up after the first week because even thinking about it hurt.

The second thing, though, is that last night? That mess? That is a mess I have thoughts about.

So what I’ve decided to do is something I’m going to call an Express Lane recap. Not a minute-by-minute recounting of the show; just 15 Items or Less* that capture my thoughts about it.

And on that note, here we go:

1. It’s always going to be impossible not to think of this or any other design related reality show in comparison to Project Runway. And on that note, it seemed like the casting directors were trying to make this Project Runway: Internationale. “You know what people love on Project Runway? When there’s a guy with an accent. So I want you to go out there and get me at least SIX guys with accents. Half the cast should be unintelligible. I want to subtitle every second of this motherfucker.”

As a friend of mine pointed out, there’s nothing like coming home after a hard day and reading a little television.

2. Similarly, they may’ve been casting Project Runway: Freak Show. “I want a guy so skinny he fits into womens’ sample sized clothes. And he should have really long hair and look like one of Michael Jackson’s sons will when they grow up. At least one guy should look like some sort of sexually ambiguous alien. That one woman – don’t feed her or let her sleep for like six days before showing up – I want her looking gaunt and horrible. We don’t want any normals on this show! The straight guy? Tie a necktie around his head! That nice older gay gentleman? Take a hammer to the teeth on one side of his mouth! And no blondes! God help you if you bring a blonde in here!”

3. Another possibility is that it’s actually Project Runway: Torture Porn. They’ve taken one of the aspects of Project Runway that audiences love and the designers almost universally seem to hate – group work, particularly where the groups are selected for you by some completely arbitrary means – and made that the central conceit of the show. Look at them suffer, children. You know you love watching them suffer.

4. Someone clearly told Isaac Mizrahi “look, about two months before this show premieres, Tim Gunn is going to release a book where he basically calls you the worst person in the world. And he’s Tim Gunn, so everyone’s going to believe him. Especially the six people who actually watched last season, and have seen you on television being the worst person in the world for twelve weeks. So. . .you know. Maybe you could dial back how horrible you are?”

5. How many minutes into the first episode was it before the straight guy told us he was straight?

6. Imaginary Casting Director: “you know what else people loved? The Voltaggios. Can you find me some brothers, or some sisters, or a brother and a sister?” Lackey: “No, but here are two women who co-own a label.” Director: “That’s perfect! That will totally be both fair to the other contestants and not at all detrimental to their existing professional relationship!”

7. Calvin is. . .loathsome. Which is how you knew he wasn’t going home this episode – he is so loathsome and such a “character” and so full of heavily accented goodness that there was no way the producers would let him go this early. Even if Francine’s dress hadn’t been a festering piece of shite, he was a lock to stay: he was loathsome in an interesting way, whereas . ..

8. Francine was just the physical and emotional equivalent of a wet dishrag. What a negative, negative person, and what a chewed up little sad hank of a woman. She looks like she smells of sour milk.

9. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA the dress picture gallery on Bravotv.com is called “Rate the Fashion” as opposed to Project Runway’s “Rate the Runway.” No, this isn’t a rip off AT ALL.

10. The minute Cesar’s dress came out, I knew it was the winner. “It’s lovely,” I said, and then I clarified “it’s not original, but it’s lovely.” I would bet on him to stick around for awhile. . .although they have already shot their wad on his tragic backstory by revealing the whole partner who died of colon cancer thing in the first episode.

11. Francine’s dress, on the other hand, looked like the challenge was “design a dress for Kim Kardashian. Your budget is $12.” How is this supposed to be inspired by Iman? It's like a Vegas cocktail waitress at an off-the-strip casino. . .after she slept in her uniform.

12. And on that note. . .IMAN! Oh my god, she’s the scariest person ever. And then they compound that by having her tell the bottom two “DON’T MOVE” in her terrifying voice. It’s like she’s slowly allowing all of the designers who are “safe” to move off of the trick floor before she pulls a lever opening the trap door and sending one of the losers through the trap door to the shark pit below. All she needs is a bald cat to stroke.

13. Related: someone started tweeting something about “The Fashion Show” while we were watching, and the autofill suggested “Fascism” rather than “Fashion.” That’s the next show, kids: The Fascism Show: Search for the Next Great Dictator. “I’m sorry, Mussolini. Your dictatorship just didn’t make the cut.” “The challenge was a genocide. You call this a genocide? There are still 75 of them left!”

Finally. . .




14. “Issa banana.”

* And can I tell you how many of my friends are now creaming themselves over the new Wegman’s and its grammatically correct “15 Items of Fewer” express lanes? Seriously – 5 or 6 people who have never met each other have listed that as the reason they’ll never shop anywhere else again on their facebook status in the last three or four days.