Top Chef Just Desserts: Sad Tea Party

From baker to chef
Thanks for sharing your journey,
Eric. Au revoir.

Let’s just get the elephant out of the room first, shall we? Scheduling a tea party themed episode the day after the election? Too much, Bravo. Too much.

But anyway. Aside from that. . .and aside from the extremely lame “celebri-tea” theme. . .this was pretty much an ok episode with a humdinger of an ending, right? I mean, it was fun watching them make the edible bouquets (and thanks, Bravo, for not including pictures or descriptions of those, you jerks), and after that we spent 40 minutes watching so much misdirection about Yigit stressing out that you had to know he wasn’t going home.

The no-chocolate twist was a great idea – a lot of them have been relying way too heavily on that Godiva stocked pantry, and it’s nice to see them both forced to work in other media for once, and to see which ones were able to think on their feet and change their plans successfully and which weren’t.

Eric leaving was sad in that he’s one of the few people in the entire show who’s seemed genuinely and consistently likeable, and it’s been lovely watching his confidence blossom as he went from stressing out about being the only one there who was “just a baker” to being kind of a force in the competition, developing his plating skills, and winning a few eliminations. And I didn’t realize HOW lovely that’d been to watch or HOW much a part of that experience we’ve been along for until. . .

. . . I started choking up at the end when he talked about that.

Yep. That’s right people. Something on Top Chef Just Desserts made me cry. Mock away – God knows I’m mocking myself.

But let’s see how we got to that point, huh?

Morning! Los Angeles! Top Chef Just Desserts Loft. Danielle talks about how it was emotional when Heather left, and then she fake cries and erupts into laughter to show what she actually means by emotional. She’s glad that Team Go Diva is down to 2/3 strength, and says that to be the last woman left is very exciting.

Yigit, on the other hand, feels like he’s been hit by a ton of bricks since he and Heather were so close. He says that losing Dessert Shop Wars (and really I feel like it should be Dessert Shoppe Wars, because the juxtaposition of Shoppe and Wars is just too, too delightful) was also a big blow to his confidence because he never felt like he could be in the bottom 3. Oh, stop crying, kid. Almost everyone lands in the Bottom 3 at least once, and eventually you’ll realize what a clump of stank your little buddy was, and you’ll get over missing her.

Quickfire! They turn out at the Just Desserts kitchen where Gail is waiting for them with cake decorator Shinmin Li and a shitload of flowers. Zac says that Shinmin is pretty, but “breathes fire.”

Gail talks about how desserts are a visual medium “sometimes, even floral.” That. .. .doesn’t make sense. That sort of construction should indicate a relationship of degrees – e.g., “snake handling can be dangerous, sometimes even deadly” – and “floral” is not a degree of “visual.” Your grammar makes Baby Jesus very sad, Gail Simmons.

Anyway, for the quickfire, they must make an edible bouquet. Eric worries that he’s not good at making pulled sugar flowers, but he is good at buttercream flowers, so he might be ok.

Then we’re treated to a montage of Shinmin’s cakes. Gail tells them they have 3 hours to make their bouquet, and the winner will get $5000. Time starts. . .Now!

Edible flower flurry! Zac grabs mirrored bud vases and starts working with chocolate. Danielle is trying to do something more natural using fresh fruit to make something resembling flowers. Eric is making a cake topped with flowers. Yigit is trying to make a pulled sugar vase. Morgan is making a bouquet of chocolate flowers, and is excited to show that he can also pull sugar.

One hour nineteen minutes forty four seconds. Yigit is shown making his pulled sugar vase. Morgan accidentally hits one of Yigit’s leaning tower of vases with his elbow and it goes over. Yigit thinks Morgan did it on purpose, even though a) he’s the one who left them sitting there on the edge of the table next to the sugar pulling station, and b) he can’t handle the stupid things himself without them coming to bits in his fingers. He runs to get a normal vase.

Forty five minutes. Zac says he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and he’s going to embarrass himself. Erik loves what he’s doing and wants to just have fun with it now that he’s in the final 5. Time!

Yigit decides to take a page out of Gretchen’s book and tell us what he thinks about how all of his competitors aren’t as good as he is: he thinks Danielle’s piece is not what Shinmin would want to see; Erik’s cupcake is “a little disarrayed”; Zac’s piece looks like a flower arrangement that had a rough night; and Morgan’s uses brown, which is “not a flower color.”

You know, that kind of behavior is just as loathsome on someone who’s actually good looking. I always secretly feared that it might be perfectly acceptable behavior but I was prejudiced against it because it was coming from someone with eyebrows she’d groomed with a pair of pinking shears, but no. It’s just as bad coming out of a pretty face.

Gail and Shinmin begin their viewing with Morgan’s Chocolate Flowers with Pulled Sugar Bow. They then see Danielle’s window box type display of Candied Orange Peel Roses, Sugar Cookies and Marshmallow Hydrangeas. They’re not impressed by the messy backs of Danielle’s cookie flowers.

Then they see Yigit’s Tropical Roses and Leaves made of Tempered Cocoa Butter and Luster Dust, or as my notes described it, “sad little thing”. Zac’s Chocolate Disco Flowers and Leaves is next, which Shinmin calls “pretty disco-y.” Finally we see Eric’s really lovely Giant Cupcake with Gum Paste and Buttercream Flowers.

Shinmin tells them that her three least favorites were Zac, who had messy chocolate work, Eric, who’s piping was messy and whose cake should’ve had more height, and Danielle who tried to do too much with contrasting textures and had unfinished backs.

So with no suspense left, her favorites are Morgan’s, who has the most professional presentation, and Yigit’s, whose final presentation was really well balanced.

And the winner is. . .Morgan. Yigit says that Morgan winning again is a double blow to his ego, and he would’ve won if Morgan hadn’t wrecked his vase. Crybaby.

So Creepy Eyes Morgan gets $5000, bringing his total winnings up to $36,000. Yowza.

Next they hear about the elimination challenge – they’ll be catering a tea party for Dana Cowin and some of her friends. The theme is “Celebri-tea.” Groan. They have to create a dessert based on a contemporary celebrity duo. Double Groan.

Morgan informs us that he doesn’t know anything about celebrity couples. This is just in case you’d forgotten that Morgan is straight, since he didn’t have much chance to remind us last episode.

Anyway, they’ll each be creating 100 portions of 2 small tea party desserts based on and inspired by the celebrity duo of their choice. Gail wishes them good luck, and it’s time for commercial.

All Stars commercial! Yay! December 1. Jesus, that’s only a month away now. What in hell happened to October?

Back. The pastrycheftestants hit Albertsons with 30 minutes to shop and a budget of $300. Danielle’s duo is Conan O’Brian and Andy Richter. What a cute, unpredictable choice. I like her so much more now. Zac is going with Julie Andrews and Blake Edwards. (Blake Edwards, for those of you who didn't know, is the director of the Pink Panther films, and some other minor stuff like, oh, Breakfast at Tiffany's and Victor/Victoria in addition to being Mr. Julie Andrews). Cute. I give them so many points for not just going with Brangelina or Speidi or something obvious.

But on that note, if I had to do this challenge I’d probably go with Heidi Klum and Seal, so I could do some sort of towering, light Bavarian cream thing paired with a very rich, dense chocolate cake. And then I’d be fucked because of the twist, but we’ll get to that in a minute.

Morgan picks up a tabloid for inspiration, and decides to go with a Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush (that picture should make everyone happy). Yigit is going with Madonna and Guy Richie, because they had a conflicted relationship and he feels conflicted himself. That's. . .. ew. I feel like a Madonna dessert would be stringy and horrible, and the Guy Ritchie dessert would sit next to it looking quietly miserable. And Eric goes with Oprah and Steadman. He plans on using chocolate from the Just Desserts pantry to make an Oprah brownie.

Back to the kitchen with 3 hours to prep. . .and they’re confronted with all the chocolate shelves saying “Temporarily Out of Stock.” Johnny enters and tells them that they want to know who’s got what it takes to get to the end, so they’re taking away chocolate so they can’t lean on it. Zac giggles in the corner -- “like the little girl he is,” according to Morgan – because he’d already planned to not do chocolate.

Morgan does a fakeout where he acts like he’s leaving and then swings back. It’s cute, despite his Creepy Eyes and occasional displays of jackhole-y-ness. I’m actually starting to like him, and if you’d told me at the beginning of the season that I’d ever like Creepy Eyes Morgan, I would have punched you in the balls.

Yigit says “the devestation sinks in” since he can’t use chocolate. Oh, sack up, Jenny. That's the kind of hyperbolic, melodramatic bullshit that gets you called "Sarah Bernhardt" in my family. Eric has to reroute to do two types of shortbread, one sweet and one savory, instead of a brownie. Morgan decides to invent a white “Saintly” Sacher torte because Reggie Bush is with the Saints.

I keep snickering throughout this episode because Sacher Torte always makes me think about this one time a million years ago (or in like, 1996) when I was in La Madeleine with a friend of mine, and another friend of hers joined us after we’d finished eating. He asked if he could have a bite of my Sacher Torte, and instead of taking part of the cake, he took part of the little “Sacher” tag on top. “Now it’s just ‘sash,’” he informed me.

Danielle’s plan is set since she wasn’t using chocolate to begin with. Yigit’s heart isn’t in his new recipe.Five minutes! Everyone runs around like maniacs. Yigit says he thinks he’s been a very strong competitor, but he doesn’t feel confident in his dessert. God, that sounds like it was taped after he’d been aufed. Erm. . .I mean. . packed his tools and went. Sorry – Project Runway is still occupying part of my headspace. Commercial.

Back. The chefs arrive at Madera Design House with an hour to prep. The kitchen is closet sized and hot. Eric hates his dessert because the no-chocolate twist screwed him up. His head isn’t in the right space.

The diners enter and start getting tea. Danielle worries about not having time to finish things. The crowd in the dining room is like all girls in pastels and Johnny, looking a little fish out of water. Eric is stressing. And it’s time for service.

Eric serves first and greets Dana Cowin, Shinmin, Daily Candy Girl, Gail and Johnny. He presents his Oprah and Stedman Rosemary Shortbread with Apricot Compote, Pecan Shortbread with Caramel. (Stedman is the savory, steady rosemary shortbread; Oprah is the sweet, round, boisterous pecan variety) Johnny thinks the portions are a bit large for a tea party, and Shinmin thinks Oprah is messy. Johnny loves the compote, though, and Shinmin praises the texture of the shortbread.

Back in the kitchen, Zac complains about Morgan’s foul attitude. Zac serves his Julie Andrews and Blake Edwards Pink Pavlova with Grapefruit Curd & Meringue, Mascarpone Cheesecake with Cap'N Crunch & Tarragon Sugar. Since the Bravo elves were too lazy to include these details in the description, I should point out that it’s actually a Pink Panther Pavlova, and Cap’N Von Trapp Crunch with a Spoonful of Tarragon Sugar on top of the cheesecake. Dumbasses, leaving all the good gags out.


Anyway. Zac introduces all of his elements and then laughs about what a dork he is. That’s why I still like him – even though he was part of the collective douchery of Team GoDiva, he still laughs at himself.

Also, this. I will never stop liking him because of this:

That, my friends, is a Halloween costume. And I bet he had all the elements to be Gail around the house just like I had all the elements to be Liz Lemon (yep -- that's the Lazyween costume I went with).

Johnny loves the crunch in the Capn’ Von Trapp Crunch. Dana Cowin freaks out that there’s Cap’n Crunch in there, and says it’s amazing. Dana Cowin apparently never had the Cap’n Crunch fried chicken at Planet Hollywood – once you have that, you stop being amazed by other uses of Cap’n Crunch.

Kitchen. Danielle is trying to bust a move on her plating, and says that piping her cookies has taken too much time. She takes her Conan and Andy tray out to the judges: Conan is represented by Strawberry Jalapeño Cake and Andy is an Oatmeal Cookie with Buttercream & Orange Blossom Water.

Shinmin says the cake is generous on the jalapeno, and Johnny says the lemon was off again. Dana says it wasn’t pleasant cakewise, but a great idea. She also thinks the buttercream was a mismatch with the cookie. Daily Candy girl babbles something about variety making life interesting.

In the kitchen, Morgan and Yigit are working on finishing up. Morgan serves first, presenting his Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush Bittersweet Citrus Macaron, Almond Sponge with Apricot Coulis & Citrus Buttercream. Reggie is the sponge; Kim is the macaroon, and she'll be a little bitter because at the time of taping, the tabloid headlines were all full of Kim's tsuris about not getting a ring from Reggie after all this time when Khloe married Lamar after marrying him for about two days and Kourtney was pregnant by that violent dickbag.

What? Don't pretend you don't know at least as much about that family as I do.

Johnny thinks the Kardashian macaroon is overfilled – I will pause here and let you make up your own overfilled Kim Kardashian joke to leave in the comments, whether it be about her dresses, or her lips, or whatever you will* -- but Dana says it’s so good she’s willing to take two bites of it. A bunch of insipid girls say things about tasting Kim’s bitterness in the macaroon. Johnny is amazed by the almond flavor in the torte, but doesn’t think Morgan really made finger food.

Yigit is stressing because he doesn’t think he can get all the components on the plates. His trays go out, some of them with the top tier missing, and he gets crap on his jacket while serving the judges. He explains his Madonna Citrus Yogurt Cake with Baked Honey Flan, and his Guy Ritchie Brown Butter Sable with Dulce de Leche & Calvados Gelée.

Johnny says the yogurt cake is moist, but Gail thinks it’s too bland to be Madonna. Johnny thinks the Guy Ritchie has a lot of flavor and is “very masculine,” but doesn’t have a lot of technique. Shinmin says it doesn’t have the standing power of a tea party dessert. Commercial.

Back. Fakeback. We’re in the loft, and the boys complain about how long Danielle takes in the shower, and how for some reason she always takes Fiber Cereal to the bathroom with her. That’s. . .uncomfortable, particularly because at first I thought Zac said “vibra-serio,” and that it was some sort of in joke about a vibrator, and I was way more comfortable with the idea of Danielle masturbating in the shower than I am with her mysterious need for Fiber One in the bathroom.

Really back. Pudding room. Eric says vague things about how they all have so much to be proud of. Gail calls back Morgan, Zac, and Danielle.

Let’s pause a moment so I can point out the utter shenanigan-ery of this callback. First, when it’s down to five, don’t they generally call everyone in at once? Second, how is Danielle in the top? They said her cake was unpleasant “cakewise.” How is an unpleasant cake in the top 3? If you’re going to call back a top and a bottom group, why not call back the top two and the bottom two and just leave the girl with the failed cake to hang out in the waiting area on her own? And third, I find it very interesting that two of the “top 3” are the ones who hadn’t planned to use chocolate in the first place. Morgan’s the only one in the top group who had to adapt to the curve they threw him; Eric and Yigit proved incapable of moving past it and Danielle and Zac were safe because they’d planned not to do chocolate to begin with.

Anyway.

Judges Table. Gail congratulates them on having the top desserts of the challenge. Shinmin and Johnny both loved Morgan’s cake. Zac admits to wanting to be Julie Andrews, and Daily Candy girl babbles things about his dessert, and Shinmin compliments his plating. Daily Candy Girl tells Danielle hers was “funny, fun, and really tasty.” Johnny says she finally showed him the commitment he’s been looking for.

God, the editing on this show is so full of shit -- they had nothing positive to say about her desserts at the tea, and nothing negative at the table. Just try for some semblance of realism, ok people? That's all I ask.

Shinmin announces that the winner is. . .Zac. Yay! He says that having Julie Andrews on his side was his secret weapon. How can you not love this little elf?

They go back to the pudding room, and Zac tells the other two that the judges want to see them. Gail tells them theirs were the least favorite, and that they both seemed downtrodden.

Eric says that from beginning to end, he was sinking and sinking. Daily Candy Girl says his lack of creativity was disappointing. Shinmin says the shortbread was baked unevenly. Johnny was disappointed, and Gail says they didn’t see the Eric they know this evening. He cries.

Gail tells Yigit he was a third of his usual self. He talks about being unable to bounce back from the lack of chocolate. Shinmin says the yogurt case was mushy and couldn’t support the custard. Johnny says it reminds him of the frozen petit fours that cruise ships buy, and he was angry at him for putting that out.

Yigit admits to having completely come undone after losing dessert wars and seeing Heather go home. The judges send them back so they can mock him for being a little wuss who cries when his friend leaves summer camp deliberate.

Johnny says neither dessert tasted great, but they should think about who had the better concept. Shinmin thinks Yigit embraced the challenge more than Eric. Johnny said Eric’s shortbreads were bad, but he could’ve just eaten the jam.

Danielle thinks Yigit had a good story behind his desserts, but it didn’t work out the way he planned. Johnny says the desserts were bland little hotel quality desserts. Yowch. Commercial.

You know. . .I thought nothing would make me want to watch The Fashion Show again, but these commercials with Iman might just be doing it.

Back. Johnny tells Eric his two shortbreads were unacceptable. Yigit allowed his emotions to get in the way of performing his duties.

Gail tells. . .Eric to pack his tools and go. He reflects that he cracked under pressure and was ready to go. He says he came to prove that a baker could be a great pastry chef, and to hear Johnny and Gail tell him he was was incredible. Everyone looks really broken up to see him leave—there are lots of hugs and what looks like an intense little side conversation with Morgan telling him what an inspiration he is. Wow.

He says that “before I came here I was a baker, and no one had ever called me chef. It wasn’t until now that I realized, that was my journey that I went on – I became a chef here.”

OK I JUST FREAKING CRIED AT THAT. I FREAKING CRIED AT TOP CHEF JUST DESSERTS. I must be coming down with something. . .

Next time! C’mon guys! All I need is one more! Times up! “Can’t finish your truffles? You don’t belong.” “Can you all stop what you’re doing for a second?” And then the DVR cut off because I’d rewound a bit to get the exact wording of what Eric had said and was watching on a few seconds delay.

*I actually like Kim Kardashian. That’s my secret shame. The rest of her family I have no use for – except Bruce, sometimes – but I find Kim very personable for some reason.