Top Chef Just Desserts: Congratumalations, Yigit.

Stupid date story
Leads to a win for Yigit
First Top Dessert Chef

Oh dears. I. Am. Underwhelmed. For a number of reasons.

First, I don’t love a Yigit win. He was part of “Team Go Diva,” and no one who was part of a bunch of asscraters who gave themselves a collective nickname should ever have that behavior rewarded. Also, about halfway through the season – really, immediately when the camera started focusing on him for more than two seconds in each episode -- he started seeming kind of loathsome and arrogant, and he never really rebounded from that. And there were several times during the course of the season when I thought he should’ve gone home, and probably WOULD’VE if Johnny, Gail, and that useless bint from Daily Candy didn’t all have such a mad crush on him. And it was just so predictable.

Second. If we’re talking about the season altogether, Morgan was the much more consistent chef, winning an insane number of challenges. Yes, he kind of imploded last night – it seemed like a Season 4 Richard Blais situation, where one of the two front runners flubbed in a big way, so the choice became between the other front runner (who, like Stephanie, has the added advantage of being a Top Chef winning “first”), or the also ran who kind of backed into the finale, tripping over her own feet along the way.

But on that note: I really think Danielle did AMAZINGLY well last night. Just based on the judges feedback and the descriptions and appearance of the food, she took two out of four courses last night in my book.

But it’s also hard to tell about that, not just for the usual reasons of not actually being able to taste the food (curse you, technology, for not yet having come up with taste-o-vision. You could solve so many Top Chef questions and keep me from making so many dubious recipes just because “it looked good on Food Network”), but because the editing was so fekakta. Except for Morgan’s soufflés, we didn’t really see them say much in the way of negative criticism about anyone’s courses – it really seemed like they were choosing the best among winners.

Maybe if they’d spent more time on the critique and less time on the “OMG, Morgan is a DICK” storyline and more on the critiques, we would’ve gotten a more nuanced picture of what the chefs put out. But CLEARLY what mattered last night was proving that Morgan was a virulent homophobe and a bad, bad man. Women hate him! Men hate him! His celebrity sous chef hates him! He leaves the air conditioning on! And then there’s this:

. . .from Gail’s twitter feed last night. Understand, people? Morgan is a DICK. At least FIVE PEOPLE had problems with him in the course of the season. THAT’S what matters, people! He’s a DICK! Don’t be distracted by things like the fact that he seems the most skilled and capable – you should be happy he lost because he’s NOT A GOOD GUY, which is, after all the most important factor in a pastry chef competition.

Sorry. The heavy handedness of it all just bugged the shit out of me. Let’s find out how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of this season, shall we?

Morning! Los Angeles! Top Chef Just Desserts Loft. Danielle pours herself some fiber cereal (not in the bathroom this time), and Yigit and Morgan get in some quality shirtless time. Yigit says he’s had some good days and some bad days. Morgan is happy that Zac left because he’s “an annoying little fairy” who “threw me under the bus last challenge.”

ACK. You know, Crazy Eyes Morgan, I want to believe that you’re just an insecure straight guy who’s secretly nice but feels the need to be SUPER HETERO because you’re a pastry chef, and not actually a virulent homophobe. And on the one hand, we have this interview where you say the world’s sweetest things about Eric. And on the other hand, we have “annoying little fairy.”

Which. ..in all fairness, if ever a man deserved to be called an annoying little fairy, it would be Zac, what with his annoyingness and his tendency to flit and all. But dude. Why?

Ok. Back to the show. Danielle wants to win so she can have money for her online dessert company that she just started.

They head to the Just Desserts Kitchen. Gail awaits them in “a fierce black dress that matches her shoes” per Yigit.

She tells them that for their final challenge, they’ll each create a progressive 4 course dessert tasting for twelve diners. Morgan doesn’t believe it’s that simple, but Gail tells them to go back to the loft and change, because they’ll be going to a special event. Danielle says she’s seen every Top Chef and knows all the twists, and she is hoping their “mommies are there.”

They go to the Edison. No mommies, but Johnny is there having a cocktail. He asks ‘who were you expecting, your mothers?” HAH. Priceless. So they all order a cocktail, and Johnny tries to relate to them with stories about how hard it was to be a young cook. They have some desserts. Yigit thinks they’re pretty schnazzy desserts for a cocktail bar, and Johnny suggests they meet the chefs who made them.

And out come. . .Elizabeth Falkner, Claudia Fleming, and Sherry Yard. “Every single one of you is on a shelf in my house,” Creepy Eyes Morgan says even more creepily than usual. Of all the disturbing things we’ve learned about Morgan during the course of this competition, the fact that he has some sort of celebrity chef altar set up in his house where he makes nightly offerings to pictures of lady chefs. I mean, who does that shit?



Fuck you. Fuck you all. I’ve told you before – that’s an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT THING.

Anyway. The celebrilady chefs will be the cheftestants sous chefs for the event. Love it – it’s always my favorite when they get famous help instead of just the top or bottom group of past competitors. Danielle tells us “that’s like being a director and having Steven Spielberg, Ron Howard, and Martin Scorcese like ‘oh they’re going to help you direct your next movie.”

So they draw cookies to see who gets who. Yigit gets Sherry Yard. Danielle gets Elizabeth Falkner, and Morgan gets Claudia Fleming. Commercial.

Back! Next day! Loft again. Danielle eats more Fiber cereal – it looks to be Kashi Go Lean with the brand name taped over. Morgan says that having a celebrity sous chef gives him a whole new challenge to overcome. “Will she approve? Or will she think I’m just some ass clown who doesn’t belong here?”

Kudos on the use of “ass clown,” Cray-cray.

Yigit is irritated at Morgan for leaving the air conditioner on when he knew Yigit had a cold. This is the dumbest fight in Top Chef history. Yigit says something about praying to Buddha and letting it go. Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you whined to the camera, princess.
Albertsons. They have 45 minutes and $400. Danielle is looking for black licorice. She knows no one thought she’d be in the final three. She reminisces about how she and Morgan were in the bottom for the first elimination, and now they’re in the final.

Back at the Just Desserts Kitchen, they have 7 hours to cook. Their sous chefs await them. Yigit is worried that Morgan is working with Claudia Fleming because she’s calm and stoic and Morgan – in case you hadn’t caught on to the theme of the episode -- can be a dick. Danielle is excited to be working with Elizabeth, but finds it intimidating. She puts her to work shelling millions of pistachios. Morgan thinks she’s an idiot for wasting Elizabeth Falkner on pistachios. Yigit and Sherry dance like idiots. Sherry has made up a dance she calls “getting’ Yig-ee with it.” Way to be timely, Sherry Yard.

Morgan is making an ambitious German cake so people don’t criticize him for playing it safe again.

Enter Johnny for the Iuzzini thru. He starts with Danielle, who explains the progression of her dishes to him. He seems skeptical about her “ice cream sampler.” Yigit is thrilled, and explains his “clever menu” to Johnny. Morgan explains his “primary colors. Light” theme. Yigit thinks the concept is silly (please bear this in mind when you get to the part where they all describe their food -- Yigit thought someone's theme was silly. It's like the pot calling the kettle silly) and will make things too difficult for him. Johnny hopes he can do it in a way that sets him apart from the other chefs.

Johnny leaves. Morgan and Claudia have some communication problems, which Claudia chalks up to her being “old school” and “not using all the chemicals.”

One hour. Yigit tells Sherry he smells “$100,000 and a dinner for you and I very soon.” Time! They all hug their celebrity sous chefs except Morgan, because the editors are determined to hit us over the head with this “everyone hates Morgan” thing so that we’re not upset when he loses despite having won a stunning number of challenges and clearly being the most talented chef there (even if he is, possibly, a virulent homophobe, which I still don’t 100% buy).

Loft. Yigit wants to decompress and have “some alcohol and some food.” Morgan calls his son. Oh Morgan. Never call your family. Stupid. He interviews about how he hopes this contest will give him the opportunity to change to a work situation where he’s free to spend more time with his son. And he cries, crazy tears from his Crazy Eyes. Commercial.

Back. Loft. Next morning. They all put on their Just Desserts jackets for the last time. Yigit talks about how his dad supported him in going into cooking, and then passed away from lung cancer. Aw. Nice last minute attempt to make him seem likeable again, Bravo.

Kitchen. But their sous chefs aren’t there – it’s their former competitors. Not Seth though. Seth has been entirely erased from the ranks of Dessertestants. They’re hoping we forget Seth, kind of. They’d like us to remember him enough to think of the show as dramatic and insane, but not enough to remember that it was actually clinically insane in a way that put the judges and the other competitors in jeopardy.

Anyway, Gail tells them that the celebrity sous will now be among the diners; their ex-competitors will be their new sous. Morgan doesn’t want to work with Zac, and would punch him if he could do so without getting thrown off. Oh, Morgan. Why can’t this just be incredibly facile, like Glee, and you can force-kiss him because you secretly love him and then threaten him with death a week later in the midst of some nonsensical B plot about tater tots?

They draw cookies. Yigit gets Tim. Danielle gets Tanya. And Morgan gets. . .Heather Horrible. Oh, good times. He reminds us that he doesn’t trust her and will have to keep his eye on her. The other five will be joining them as diners – so there’ll actually be 17 diners, not twelve.

Food flurry. Three hours. Heather H talks about how she vowed she’d never work with Morgan again and has absolutely no respect for him. She hopes he doesn’t win. That’s a great, winning, professional attitude, you flat faced bitchcow.

Danielle is doing a cheese element for her first course because she didn’t want to do four all –sweet courses. I think that’s a good plan.

Yigit says a lot of things about ratios and jellies and Morgan having trouble and wonders why he’s not asking Heather for help. Well, duh. Because she’s in your pocket, stupid. If he asked her for help, she’d probably mix jarred jelly into it and pretend that’s what she thought he wanted.

The diners enter, get a drink, and sit. Hey, there’s Susan Feniger! I love her!

Claudia Fleming talks to James Oseland about how much she hates Morgan, and how he’s a “typical male pastry chef.” So a) that’s a healthy attitude you got there, Flemming. And B) OK, EDITORS, WE GET IT. Morgan is BAD. He’s a virulent homophobe and all women hate him, and we should just IGNORE the fact that he’s been streets ahead of the rest of the chefs for most of the competition and work REALLY REALLY HARD at hating him and his crazy eyes and his Ken doll hair.

You don’t have to underline it anymore. We get the picture, ok?

The chefs enter to present their first courses. Yigit tells us his Cucumber Lime Sorbet with Straus Yogurt Caviar Pearl is the first step in a dance through his palate. Oh, barf. Morgan explains his Passion Fruit Cannoli with Mango Carpaccio, Fluid Gel & Tarragon Jelly. And Danielle presents her Hazelnut Cake with Spanish Goat Cheese & Fig Jam, (at left) which sounds like the best of the lot to me, but then I’m a sucker for goat cheese.

Johnny thinks Morgan’s dish is aesthetically appealing, and Feniger likes the tarragon gel. Daily Candy Girl enjoys Yigit’s bright flavors. Elizabeth Falkner enjoyed working with Danielle and thinks her dish is successful. Feniger thinks the flavors are nice together, and Johnny compliments the amount of work she put into it. The cheftestant diners think the “little seeds” from her figs are a total turn on.

Back in the kitchen, Morgan is having issues with his second dish. They bring out their courses. Yigit’s stupid dance through the music of ridiculous metaphors continues with Strawberry Sorbet & Lemongrass Ginger Ice Cream with Berry Meringue & Consommé (right). Morgan’s dish is a Blueberry Pavlova with Lemon Cream in Citrus Chamomile Broth & Pearls. Danielle has made a Lemon Parfait, Pomelo & Tangerine Sorbet & Moscato Granita.

Claudia enjoys the restraint of Yigit’s dish, and Suzanne Goin likes how it’s a deconstructed take on a traditional dish. Johnny loves the citrus in Danielle’s and Susan Feniger thinks her dessert makes the most sense. Claudia thinks Morgan nailed the softness in his pavlova.

Back in the kitchen, Morgan’s soufflés are falling apart, but Heather keeps reassuring him, picking the best looking ones out so that those can go directly to the judges. He compliments her on putting her head down like a professional and coming up with the best possible solution.

Editors, you’re slipping. You’re supposed to show Morgan calling Heather Horrible a skillet faced C-word, and claiming it’s all her fault because her flat, horrible face made the soufflés fall. How are we supposed to understand how AWFUL he is if you show him acting gracious and professional?

The judges, however, are sitting next to people whose soufflés fall apart. Solution fail.

Yigit introduces his third dish “well, now that we’ve had a gimlet, had a few kisses in the park, I wanted us to really start the romance and the passion.” Oh, BARF. If I was the sort of person who used “gay” in the pejorative sense, I’d use it here, because the stupid fucking dessert as love affair storyline he’s weaving just is. Anyway, he’s made a Muscovado Braised Pineapple & Coconut Cake. Morgan has made a Manjari Soufflé Cake with Raspberry Sorbet & Cocoa Nib Paper. And Danielle has her Ice Cream Sampler, which is a Baked Alaska, Strawberry Sundae & Root Beer Float (left).

Susan Feniger thinks Yigit’s dessert would be great at her restaurant. There’s a lot of comparison about who’s soufflé survived and whose didn’t on Morgan’s dish. Oseland says “thank GOD for Danielle’s baked Alaska.” Feniger loves the concept. Johnny thinks she’s incorporated texture really well.

Back in the kitchen, the chefs prepare for the final course. Daily Candy Girl meeps “this is the last thing we’re going to taste in this entire competition.” Jesus. As inane and useless as she is normally, her tone right now kicks that up to 11. She sounds like the dumb girl from the popular crowd who’s all broken up about graduating from high school, because “nothing will ever be the same, and nothing will ever be as awesome!” You might as well cue up “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday” in the background.

(true story: I only know the part of that song that goes “and I’ll take with me the memories/to be my sunshine after the rain” because the alto part in the arrangement we had was all “ooooohs” and “it’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday”s except for that verse)

Yigit continues his bullshit lovestory theme by explaining that “love ends with chocolate.” BLEAH. So he’s made a Hazelnut Dacquoise, Milk Jam & Salted Caramel Ice Cream. Morgan’s is a White Pepper Crème Brûlée, Black Pepper Baumkuchen & Blackberry Anise Macaron (right). And Danielle ends with a Chocolate Pudding Cake with Pistachio Ice Cream.

Oseland thinks Yigit’s cake is ‘pretty brilliant.” Claudia and Gail love the Milk Jam, and Danielle’s Honey Candy. Feniger finds Danielle’s chocolate course lacking something. Oseland says it’s not visually elegant, but it tastes “so damn good.” They all seem to love the combination on Morgan’s, and they’re impressed by how beautifully his brulee cracks. Eric calls it a masterpiece.

The cheftestants all come out and take their final bows and do a last reflection on how awesome winning would be. They go back to the back and hug their sous chefs. Morgan cracks open a bottle of champagne for them all. He’s nervous, but he thinks his competitors food was boring. Commercial.

Fakeback. Danielle says the competition has been a rollercoaster. Yigit says it’s like “falling in love, getting married and giving birth to a child all at the same time.” Morgan says it’s been an incredible journey.

Back. Judges Table. The three final cheftestants enter the judging room. Gail reminds them of what the prizes are.

Morgan says he cooked some of the best food he made in his life. Yigit felt really good about his food. Danielle liked the way everything tasted.

Danielle talks about her ice cream. Johnny says she harnessed the beautiful qualities of lavender. Daily Candy girl loved the root beer, and Gail enjoyed the honey candy. Johnny disliked the pulled sugar on the pudding cake because it didn’t do anything to the flavor. Keller loved the flavor of the cake and the pistachio ice cream.

Daily Candy loved his stupid date metaphor. Gail asked why he chose to have the waiters pour the consommé at the table. Johnny points out that they served it wrong. Daily Candy girl gushes breathily again about his third course, and Johnny liked the bright pineapple flavor.

Gail asked what happened to Morgan’s soufflé. Daily Candy loved the contrasts, even though it had fallen over. They all rave about the baumkuchen again. Johnny calls him out for making a macaroon again, but adds that at least he makes a “hell of a macaroon.”

They mercifully send the contestants back to the pudding room without asking why they each think they deserve to win. Good call, both because I'm burned out on ranting about why that's the dumbest part of every competition, and because I'm sure someone's answer would've been "I deserve it because Morgan is a DICK." And then I would've shot my TV, like Elvis or that Dancing With the Stars fan in Wisconsin.

Deliberation. Keller thought they all did a good job with the progression. Daily Candy girl exhales some more love for Yigit’s stupid date metaphor. Keller thinks he showed a good repertoire. Johnny thinks Danielle has shown them so much in the last few challenges, and thinks she did the best job planning her courses. Gail loved the baked Alaska, and Daily Candy Girl loved the fourth course. Gail thinks Morgan went all out, and Keller thought his first course was visually the most attractive. Daily Candy Girl loved the way the flavors in the soufflé course came together, and Johnny thinks he’s the best technician.

Gail thinks they all did a good job with the progressions, and it comes down to the mistakes they made along the way. Commercial.

Back. Gail commends them on all having worked hard to get there. Johnny tells them they’re all proud to have been part of the competition with them.

He tells Danielle she picked the right time to hit her stride. Yigit finally found his balance. Morgan’s drive makes him a great pastry chef.

Gail tells. . .Yigit he’s the first winner of Top Chef Just Desserts. Morgan congratulates him. He hugs Danielle, and then hugs Morgan. Yep, that’s a virulent homophobe right there, hugging the crap out of that tiny little super fey gay man. What a dick Morgan is, amirite? Yigit says being the winner feels awesome, and there are no words to describe how awesome it feels.

Zac runs in and makes a screaming fool of himself congratulating his ass buddy (and that’s not a gay thing – that was just the worst insult we had in my little group of girls in college. If you got too all up into your friendship with one person, you were their ass budy. Aside from 19 year old girls, no one is capable of ass-budy-ship the way these two idiots are).

Morgan says he’s proud of Yigit, and there’s no one in the competition he feels better about losing to. What. A. Dick. Yigit thinks his father would be very proud of him at this moment.

Anyway. And that’s all they wrote for Season One of Top Chef Just Desserts. To me, at least, it was a clunky let down of an ending to a show that showed a lot of promise at the start. But anyway, I’ll see some of you for All Stars in a couple of weeks, and one or two of you next week for The Fashion Show. And I hope you all turn out next Thursday for our annual celebration of . . .syphilis. Because that seems like a good way to follow up on a personal ooze like Yigit winning.