Top Chef All Stars: Deja Vu All Over Again

Elia is out
History repeats itself
But no heads were shaved

I am sitting here drumming my fingers against my chin trying to figure out how to start.

Let me say this first: I am super excited about this season. I can’t even begin to say how excited. I love the idea of an All Star season (as opposed to a shitty one-off All Star special like both Top Chef and Project Runway have done in the past.

And I’m 90% thrilled with the chefs they’ve gotten for it – a lot of them are people I like, and others are people who have been very fruitful to write about in a “feed my apoplectic rage” sort of way.

I was not, however, terribly excited about last night’s episode. There are a lot of reasons for this. The first, inevitably, is the same reason I’m never thrilled with any first episode. There are too many people. There’s too much “this is Jim from Colorado and Jane from New York and Tony from New Orleans” business. Eighteen chefs. Even when you already know them all and don’t have to worry about getting a sense of them as individuals for the first time in the five seconds of introduction they’re allotted, it’s still a lot of listing to do when it comes to the dishes they make and the reactions people have to them.

The second is that last night I went to a cocktail event for World AIDS day, where oh yeah, I MET MONDO (who is totally lovely and adorable in person, and a great speaker, and so tiny and skinny I could have carted him out of the room in my handbag), which was lovely, but it was also hours of standing around in four inch heels and drinking white wine. Which, if you’ve never done it, can be exhausting.

So by the time I got home last night, I was wiped out and more than a little tipsy, and I had forty five minutes to feed the cat, change into my pajamas, upload my pictures to facebook, and station myself on the sofa, with my laptop, to watch the show. And I was tiiiiiiii-erd. I actually started drooping at the eyelids during the last 20 minutes, so I may not have gotten some of the nuances during that part of the show.

And then third, there’s Elia. Elia was one of my favorite chefs during her season – her food always looked interesting (her breakfast tostada remains one of the best things I’ve made), and she had the sort of elastic faced reactions in her interviews that I could totally relate to because they were the ones I would’ve had myself.

But then there was the whole head shaving thing, and she turned out to be as much of a douche as the rest of the people on her season (and I don’t exempt Marcel from this – he may’ve been the victim of their collective douchiness, but he douched right back and you could even argue that he douched first). It’s the season 2 curse, really. No matter if I enjoyed you at the time, in retrospect you’ve been tarred with the collective douchey brush of that season.

Which is all a long way to say: it’s hard for me to have a strong reaction – good or bad – to her leaving. I’m just relieved to have one less reminder of season 2 around (especially since I suspect Marcel is in it at least to the halfway point).

Let’s stop prefacing and just get down to it, yes? We open, as we are wont to do with the credits. They’re pretty much a riff on the standard Top Chef credits, but they do outline some of the differences between this season and others, like. . .OH MY GOD, BOURDAIN!!! I had literally forgotten until the credits that he was going to be a regular judge this time. Anyway, the winner gets a feature in Food and Wine, a showcase at Aspen, $200,000 from Buttoni, and the title “that’s eluded them all: Top Chef”.

Undisclosed time of day! New York! The Top Chef All Stars begin rolling up to their ridiculously gorgeous apartment. Conveniently, they seem to arrive in order of season (emphasis on “seem,” I suspect). Tiffani is the first to get there and remind us that she was “neck and neck” for the win during the first season. And then there’s Stephen, who may best be remembered as the “top sommelier” or the “tool and a douchebag” from season one, but who is now a “hospitality entrepreneur.” Then there’s Season two’s Elia, who’s shaved hair has entirely grown back in the intervening four-ish years, and Marcel, with less tall hair than he had before.

Tre, who everyone blamed my beloved CJ for the ouster of, is the first season 3 representative. I love Tre, almost as much as I love CJ. And almost as much as I love Dale from Season 3 (does anyone know if he's still dating Jack from Project Runway?). And more than I love Casey, who is here just so they can revive the whole Carla controversy.

Next up, Season 4 starts to arrive in the form of Richard, who I’ve seen in person and eaten his burgers and who has a female wife. Also from Season 4 is Spike, who I’ve come to kind of like in person even though he was a master douche on the show. And Antonia, who is determined to beat Spike again. And Dale T, who you may remember as having some rage problems and punching a locker.

Next comes Season Five. Yay, it’s Jamie! I still love her for being my best friend’s lesbian doppelganger. She looks like she’s lost some weight – or was she always super tiny? And then we have Fabio and his accent. He tells us that he is “like the underdog. Italian dog. The good one.” He doesn’t want to see Marcel because of the horrible confrontations they had at that shitty reunion. And guess who greets him. This is lovely. And here’s Carla. Jesus, it’s like old home week or something.

From season 6, we have another of my all time favorites, Jen Carroll. Richard Blais thinks she’s the strongest competitor in his eyes. There’s also Mike I., one of my all time non-favorites. And finally from Season 7, Angelo and Tiffany turn up. If I seem less excited about them than I am the others, it’s because I am. We haven’t even had time to miss them yet, and I kind of feel like a much more equitable way to get to 18 chefs would be to have 3 back from each of the first 6 seasons, not this two from one, four from another business.

And now that everyone’s arrived, the show can properly begin. The Startestants put on their spiffy black chef coats, and Dale L. says this is when it becomes “real. Then they head out to the Top Chef kitchen, where Padma and Tom await them.

Padma welcomes them back and reminds them that while they were considered some of the best, none of them took the grand prize. So there’s a lot more at stake for the winner of this season – half a million in cash and prizes, and $200K for the winner. Commercial!

Back. Tom talks about how every time they see him, they brag about their season being the best. Just for what it’s worth, seasons 2, 5, and 7 should just shut the hell up on that count – they don’t even have a dog in that fight. So for the quickfire, the chefs from each season will work as a team to make a dish that represents their season’s city (see, again – how much better would it be if there were three chefs from each of the first 6 seasons instead of having one team with four players, one with three, and the rest with two each). The winning team will get immunity for the first elimination challenge. They have 25 minutes, and time starts.. . now!

All Star Food Flurry! Antonia talks about how having 4 people with their season means a lot of voices. They’re making a Chicago dog to represent Season 4. Angelo and Tiffany seem to be working nicely together on a Crab/Rockfish dish. The New York season does a trio of apples, but they’re all doing their own thing. That’s a nice way to represent the dysfunction of that season. The three from Miami work together with some mangoes, avocados, pork and plantains. Elia and Marcel go with fish tacos for LA because in Marcel’s words “it’s really easy to make in 25 minutes.” And kickin’ it old school are Tiffani and Stephen with their cioppino. Tiffani thinks Stephen is a little rusty, but they’re still the originals. Since Vegas doesn’t really have a regional cuisine of its own, the season 7 team is going “old school Italian mobster scene.”

And that underlines another inequity of this challenge – some of these cities are known for particular foods. Chicago went hot dog but they could easily have done pizza (ok, in 25 minutes, maybe not easily) and Miami is known for Cuban food. But others are just known for being food cities – places with great restaurants, but not a traditional dish that’s easy to latch onto and represent in under half an hour.

7.5 minutes left. Blais is making liquid nitrogen mustard ice cream. Five minutes. Angelo gets bumped by Stephen and his fish hits the floor. Three minutes. Miami’s pork isn’t cooking. Time!

Tom and Padma start with Season One’s San Francisco Cioppino Gazpacho with Sourdough. Then they have season two’s Los Angeles Shrimp Tacos with Guacamole in an Apple Wrapper. Season Three has Miami Pork Tenderloin, Avocado Lime Puree, Tostones, Habanero Sauce. Season Four’s is Chicago Pork and Black Pepper Sausage, Mustard Ice Cream. New York has the trio of apples: New York Curried Apple Soup, Pasta with Caramelized Apple, Rib Eye with Apple. “Interesting flavors’ Padma tells them. “Interesting. That’s the kiss of death,” Carla warns us.

Tom and Padma move along to season Six with their Las Vegas Bucatini with Bacon Lobster Carbonara, and Season 7 with their Washington D.C. Crab Cake Essence with Rockfish, Lemongrass, Jalapeno, Old Bay. And then we head to a . . .commercial!

Back! Tom tells the bad news first: Marcel and Elia’s shrimp needed more seasoning and the apple was too thin. Tiffani and Stephen had two much raw garlic. Season 5’s dishes didn’t relate to each other, and Carla and Fabio’s offerings were merely “ok,” though Jamie’s soup was good. Finally, season 7 had too much salt.

On the flip side, season 3 had great flavors. Chicago’s was inventive. And Season 6 had great flavor and well made pasta. And the winners are. . .Season 4! They all get immunity for the first challenge. Which is. . .

A bunch of waiters bring out covered dishes for each of them. Lifting the covers, they find the ingredients for the dishes that got them sent home from their. They have to turn the dish that sent them packing their knives to go into a success.

They’ll have 3 hours tonight and 2 at the Russian Tea Room the next day. And their time starts. . .Now!

Redemptive food flurry! Spike is reliving his frozen scallop nightmare, and is trying to mask their flavor every way possible. Dale T. has to remake his infamous butterscotch scallops, and knows that the concept is bad from the start.

Fabio still doesn’t think there was anything wrong with his dish the first time. Anyone you hear saying that is immediately in trouble for this challenge, and probably won’t last very many episodes – you can’t have learned and grown from your mistakes if you’re still not ready to admit that you made them in the first place.

Stephen has to do 3 dishes that aren’t his own for focusing on the wine service during the season 1 wedding challenge, and he seems at a loss. Tre thinks Stephen didn’t come to the competition out o f the restaurant trenches like the rest of them did,“he came out of Macy’s day parade or something.”

Elia still believes she shouldn’t have been eliminated for her dish, and decides to be true to the ingredients and modify them as little as possible. Doom. Blais helps Jamie with the sous vide machine, and she worries about remaking Eric Ripert’s dish badly twice (shouldn’t she ask Jen, then? That would be my first instinct if I’d crapped up my secret baby daddy’s food – ask the chef who works for him). Blais is intrigued by Angelo, who is making noodles. Dale T. has all manner of steam and muffins going on at his station because he has immunity.

Mike Isabella whines about having to remake his vegetarian dish when he’s competing against people who failed at pork belly and more flavorful ingredients.
Carla is remaking the dish that Casey suggested she sous vide. She insists that she doesn’t blame Casey at all. Why do I get the feeling that Bravo is going to milk the existing conflicts as much as possible? Every time Carla talks about not blaming Casey, or Fabio talks about hating Marcel, or Antonia mentions wanting to beat Spike again, we should all just take a drink. Five minutes. Antonia still thinks Spike is sneaky and devious. Drink! Time! Commercial!

Back. Fakeback. Elia and Carla sympathize about going home at the finale, and reminisce about Elia’s shaved head. Because that was. . .fun. What with the assault and all involved. But she was a good looking bald woman. She wants to show the judges that she’s more mature now than she was during that incident. Not a big stretch there, champ -- all you’ve got to do is avoid turning into a cheerleader for violence and you’re officially all growds up.

Back. Next day. Russian Tea Room. The chefs flood into the teeny kitchen (apropos of nothing, I wrote that as “the cats flood into the tiny kitchen” last night. I can only assume it was one of the 70 plus times I had to keep the cat from walking across the keyboard). Tom thru! He tells them since the space is so limited, they’ll split into two groups of 9, and each group will taste the other’s food. The winner of this challenge will get $10,000.

Two hours for Group One to cook. Stephen worries about the number of dishes he has to prepare. Angelo loves the dish he’s cooking. 13 minutes. Blais is going to push all the way to the end. The judges – Padma, Tom, Bourdain(!!!) and Gail sit down and wait.

Two minutes. Tiffani is worried about Stephen because he’s not finishing his plating in time. Time! Tre is steamed that Richard continues plating his dish after time is up.

There’s a TV in the back so the chefs can watch the judges and diners eat and hear their critiques. Elia sequesters herself in a corner, not wanting to watch.

Jen and Casey both like Blais’s Pork Belly with Bread and Butter Radishes, Mirin & Cheddar. Mike I thinks Angelo’s Homemade Ramen with Sweet Glazed Pork Belly & Watermelon has solid flavor. Tom likes Dale T’s Butterscotch Miso Scallops with Crispy Long Beans & Spicy Eggplants and Bourdain opines that he “unfucked’ the dish.

Carla thinks Tiffany’s Pan-Seared Halibut, Coconut Curry, Steamed Rice Balls & Pea Tendrils is overcooked. Jen thinks the “toast” overpowers Tre’s Cured Wild King Salmon, Grapefruit Gelee, Salted Macadamia Cookie. Spike enjoys Tiffani’s Crispy Branzino, Black Olive Pappardelle & Spicy Fennel, but it throws Mike off. No one seems to like Stephen’s Lobster Harumaki, Hibiscus Ponzu & Coriander. Antonia doesn’t get the basil and paper on Fabio’s Handmade Caserecci, Crawfish & Crab Stew, and Bourdain hates it altogether. “Bourdain say some stoopeed comment, so I make sure dat after I weel let them know what I really theeenk about it,” Fabio tells us. And a lot of people feel like Elia gave up on her Red Snapper Steamed in Ti with Snapper Jus.

The second group of chefs goes back to the kitchen. Casey is nervous because the other group’s food was good. Jen thinks she’s on the top. Jamie worries about being the first eliminated.

The second group of diners sits down. Elia thinks it’s a “bad situation” to be sitting down after hearing the feedback previously. “This is like the most awkward Thanksgiving ever” Tiffani says after Fabio calls Bourdain out for hating his food.

In the back, the other chefs discover the TVs. Antonia worries that they’ll rip them to shreds because they saw the earlier critique. I feel like someone always thinks that when there’s a challenge like this, but then the second group generally ends up being kinder because they’re cognizant the other group is watching. Commercial.

Back. The second group starts tasting. Blais and Tre enjoy Antonia’s Sausage with Cilantro, Pigeon Pea Puree & Roasted Cherry Clossoms [sic] (welcome back, Bravo interns. I’ve thrown cherry clossoms to line the path of your return), but Tiffany finds it “incomplete.” Bourdain says he could’ve “lived without the scallops” in Spike’s Pickled Mushrooms, Scallops, Lime Dressing with Hearts of Palm Salad because the flavor of them is so completely disguised, and thinks he’s “the craftiest mothefucker who’s ever been on this show.”

Tom thinks Jamie made Ripert’s Pan-Seared Black Bass, Celery, Green Peppercorn Sauce & Herb Salad her own this time. Tre thought Mike’s Melted Leeks, Carrot Puree & Salt Crusted Potatoes was a good revamp, and Blais found it the most visually appealing. Dale T. can’t get past the dumpling in Dale L’s Curry Poached Lobster Dumplings, Chanterelle, Corn & Bacon. Angelo got the nerve endings in Carla’s Grilled Strip Steak, Smashed Potatoes, Tarragon Butter & Red Wine Sauce. Gail thinks Casey definitely improved on her Molasses Glazed Pork Belly, Pickled Peaches, Whipped Crème Fraiche. Tre is thrown off by the vanilla in Marcel’s Uni & Caviar, Meyer Lemon Gelee, Fennel Cream & Kalamata Olive Dust, but Fabio thinks it takes balls to put the dish off. Bourdain says the only problem in Jen’s Duck, Squash, Foie Gras, Apple Cider Vinaigrette, Micro Arugula is the duck, and Tiffani is surprised by the technical errors.

Padma dismisses the cheftestant/diners and says they’ll see them at Judges table.

In the all-star-stew, the chefs shoot the shit about how they hate being on the judging side, and how Richard went over time.

Padma calls back Spike, Jamie, Richard and Angelo. On entering the judges table, Tom tells Richard they wanted to acknowledge that he made a great dish, but won’t be eligible for the win since he went over the cook time. He’s dismissed, but pissed off – he doesn’t think he went over, even though Tom tells him he saw the footage.

Padma congratulates the other three. Gail thought Jamie’s fish was beautiful. Tom asks if this is something she thinks she’ll serve now. “Absolutely not,” she says. They laugh. Tom also congratulates Angelo on having “killed” the watermelon tea. Bourdain thinks Spike dealt with his dish in a really smart way.

Tom says that the winner of the challenge is. . .Angelo. Oh good. Give him another season to be insufferable about winning right off the bat. He gets $10,000, and Padma asks him to send back some of his colleagues.

Angelo calls back Fabio, Stephen, and Elia as the bottom 3. Padma asks Stephen to walk them through his dish. Bourdain says the first dish was monochromatic. Tom says the proportions were all off.

Elia says she wanted to keep things simple, but Gail says her fish was raw. She apparently didn’t test the technique before, and Bourdain says she was her own worst enemy.

Gail tells Fabio his was overdressed and overdone, and Bourdain wants to know what he was thinking about the presentation. Fabio tells him he’s there to be criticized constructively, not made fun of.

Padma says they’ll call them back when they have a decision, and Elia throws in one last “don’t eliminate me, I have a lot more to do.” It’s a little bizarre.

Deliberation. Tom says Elia didn’t change or improve on the dish she did before. Bourdain doesn’t know what Fabio’s problem is. Stephen’s proportions were a mess, and Gail thinks that since he didn’t have a grasp on what it was supposed to be, he didn’t know how to make it better. Bourdain claims it gave him fond memories of his last colonoscopy. Commercial.

Back. Tom tells them that the challenge was to improve the dish that sent them home, and they didn’t. Fabio’s presentation was clunky. Elia should’ve been able to deal with the variations in her ingredients. And Stephen’s food was out of balance and murky.

Padma asks Elia to pack her knives and go. Elia says she’s really upset because she came sure she was going to make it far. She says being the first to go home “is almost not worth that you came,” and that you can’t help taking t to heart.

This season! “it’s not called Top Chef mediocre!” “Challenges are brilliant!” Paula Deen! Jimmy Fallon! Children! Muppets! “is me kind of place!” “we have to cook head to head against Tom!” I have to go to the hospital. “I just want to choke the guy” “you did a terrible thing to a beautiful piece of veal.” And then my DVR cut out in the middle of Mike I yelling at someone.