Top Chef All Stars: Even You Cannot Avoid PRES-SURE!

Chef Jen must go home
What the hell was that about?
That freaked me out, man.

Good morning, my little velociraptors (sweet Jurassic Park reference, right Casey?). How are you this morning? Were you awakened, perhaps, as I was, at 3:41 this morning out of a rather nice dream about Boardwalk Empire’s Jack Huston by a kitten gently punching you in the face? Could you then not go back to sleep because of some combination of a stuffy nose, the noise your humidifier makes when it glurgs up a fresh dose of water, that dreadful “Christmas Shoes” song looping through your head, and yes, repeated kitten punches?

No? Well, to hell with you then.

So what the hell was that last night? And I don’t mean that in the way I usually mean that, as in “what the hell, Colicchio? Were you on crack when you judged that?” I literally mean what the hell was that? What did we watch? Where in the bluedillyfuck did that come from?

I have never made any secret of the fact that I have deep seeded and often totally irrational preferences among the contestants in these shows, particularly in cases like this one where people are coming back for a second run through the gauntlet.

And I’ve always liked Jen, since the first episode of season 6. And Yes, there were times when she was fractious, when she was controlling if she was in charge of the kitchen, where she suffused with red at the judges criticism.

But that? Last night? Where in hell did that come from? I can understand if maybe she was determined to stand up for her dish after taking the criticism and generally copping to her own mistakes in her season, but have we ever seen anyone show so much (apparently misguided) defiance and bravado in defending their work?

And I say apparently misguided because it was obvious that the judges made the right call. It was clear from the moment Casey said “wet bacon” that Jen was going home. It may even have been clear from the moment in the museum when she outlined to her team that if they lost, they’d all end up turning on each other. Either way, it was telegraphed pretty early – her only real hope was if the judges had though as little of Jamie’s leaving for a 2-stitch cut as the other chefs did.

Because seriously, folks – there’s no rebounding from something that can be described as wet bacon.

Sigh.

Let’s run through the whole mad mess – the Jonas situation, the night at the museum, the long-awaited (by herself) return of Katie Lee (formerly Katie Lee Joel), and the throw down at the judges table.

We pick up in the stew room right where we left off at the end of the previous episode, and everyone talks about having the first challenge under their belt. Marcel says that Elia’s amazing and for her to be cut means anyone could go home. Richard continues fretting about having been disqualified from the win for going over time. Fabio is still pissed about the critique he received on the challenge. “Boor-dehn eez a gret chef. But nex’ time? Talk about my food? Be nice.”

It’s at this point that I realize why I’ve been knocking out the recaps relatively quickly for the last two seasons compared to season five – no insane Fabio accent to transcribe . And sidebar – if you still like Fabio, absolutely do not follow his twitter. He’s live tweeting the show on West Coast time, and between the self –aggrandizement and the massacre of the English language, I want to punch him in the face.

And then we get the credits.

Morning! New York! The All Stars enter their All Star kitchen where Spike immediately recognizes Joe Jonas standing next to Padma. Is Spike a secret Jo-Bro fan? Because we’re roughly the same age, and I wouldn’t know one Jonas from the others. All I know is there’s one with pube hair, and he’s married. I think. And I believe there’s a Joe and a Kevin and one other one?


Antonia tells us her daughter is a fan and will be excited to hear that he was there. Dale T. has no idea who he is and thinks he might be a pastry chef. Having survived Just Desserts, we all know that “looks like a pastry chef” is code for someone appearing to be either a little light in the loafers or completely batshit “the redhots are for my mommy” style insane.

Padma tells them that the Museum of Natural History is having a “Night at the Museum” sleepover where Joe Jonas will be the surprise guest. For their quickfire, they have to create a midnight snack for the kids attending. Richard theorizes that a pop star of Joe Jonas’ caliber (hahahahahahaha ...) is probably eating things like “filet mignon cheez doodles,” and thinks the trick is to make things that kids will love, but not be “too cheeky and kidlike for Joe Jonas.”

Firstable, I would eat the hell out of filet mignon cheez doodles. Second, I don’t think there’s a whole lot in the category of “too cheeky and kidlike for Joe Jonas.” I’m guessing he laces everything with syrup like Buddy the Elf.

Joe Jonas tells them that for their snacks, they “can’t just show up with peanut butter and celery.” Ooh, is that an Angelo burn because of the school lunch episode? Well Played, Joe Jonas! My respect for you just grew tenfold, which means that my respect for you now registers at a level. . .1 (it was one tenth before tonight’s broadcast). The chefs also won’t have any utensils or plates, so the snack has to go in a brown paper bag. They have 45 minutes, and the winner gets immunity and an “advantage” in the next elimination.

Food Flurry! Dale T. is worried about Joe Jonas (who among us isn’t, Dale?), and Dale L. is worried about kids screaming in his face if you don’t give them what they want. There’s a lot of yelling about sugar (or, in Fabio’s case, SHOO-gair) and it turns out Dale T. horded it on his station. Everyone finds this uncool.

Marcel is happy to be cooking for kids because his mom took over the food program at his elementary school. He sets something on fire. Spike reminisces about growing up in a restaurant family and how his parents used him as cheap child labor to make chips. Good times. Tiffani remembers cooking for the Boys & Girls club in season one, and what a “complete asshole” she was with her attitude about kids. I like new self aware Tiffani. I hope she sticks around and doesn’t send bitchy asshole Tiffani that we know from Season One back.

Richard remembers being a husky kid and eating cereal with heavy cream. GACK. Stephen is making healthy snickerdoodles. I suddenly realize that what’s been missing from my life is healthy snickerdoodles. Dale T. thinks he should’ve laced his corn cake with NyQuil to calm the kids down during the challenge. Mike I is nervous because his cookie isn’t sweet enough. Antonia thins he must’ve lost weight with the amt he’s sweating.

Time! Tasting! Joe Jonas starts with Antonia’s White Chocolate & Cherry Muffin with Cinnamon & Allspice. Then they try Blais’s White Bread, Spiced Apples with Whipped Honey & Crunchy Chocolate, which is “wonderful. Spike serves Homemade Potato & Carrot Chips with Mascarpone & Marshmallow Dip, which get an “mmm” from Joe Jonas, even though “mascarpone and marshmallow dip” would sound like a grim foretaste of hell to any sensible person. Again, he clearly sticks to the four main food groups -- candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup.



Anyway. Tre has made a Cracker with Cranberry & Cherry Jam, Apple Smoked Bacon. Casey has a Chocolate & Bacon Lasagna with Apple Juice & Candy (DAMN CASEY!!! Chocolate and bacon and lasagna? I think I love you).

Mike I wants to throw up at the thought of Casey’s chocolate bacon lasagna. Add to list of things we don’t like about Mike I.

Dale L. has Sweet Tart Nuggets & Caveman Boulders with Chocolate Sauce which he says will make the sleepover like a “10 year old rave” because of the amount of sugar. Next we have Jamie’s Mini Cheddar Biscuits with Homemade Cinnamon Apple Sauce. Tiffany has Coconut Rice Pudding with Grapefruit Sauce. Dale T has a Nyquil-less Corn Cake with Dried Cherries & Whipped Maple Topping.

Fabio has “got some apple” specifically Apple with White Chocolate, Caramel, Blueberry, Marshmallow & Candied Ginger. Tiffani has a Rice Crispy Treat Snowball with Malted Milk & Graham Crackers. Angelo’s made Fried Dough, White Pepper, Old Bay Spice & Cheddar Crumbs, which. . .nom? maybe? Even if his initial description involves some typically douchey posturing about how it’s the next generation of grilled cheese?

Stephen has a Snickerdoodle with White Chocolate, Coconut Ganache, Apricot & Mint. Nom. Jen has Bacon Ginger Taffy & Honey Grilled Peaches, hoping that “if the kids don’t like [the taffy], they can whip it at each other.” Mike I presents his sweaty Chocolate Coconut Corn Bar & Coconut Horchata Chaser.

Padma asks Joe for the results. Among his least favorites was Tiffany’s, whose dish was messy. Mike’s chocolate wasn’t strong enough. And then there’s Stephen, whose cookie was good but the mint wasn’t strong enough.

The top were Spike and Tiffani, and it’s kind of a tie. So to choose the winner, they’ll go to the museum and let the kids decide. Commercial.

Back! Spike and Tiffany will have to make their snack, take it to the kids, and let them decide which is the winner. Tiffani feels confident about her snack. They have to make 150 portions, so they need help from their fellow chefs. They sort teams playground style: Spike chooses Blais; Tiffani chooses Jen; Spike takes Dale T; Tiffani takes Antonia; Spike takes Marcel; Tiffani selects Dale L; Spike takes Stephen; Tiffani picks Casey; Spike gets Angelo; Tiffani takes Jamie; Spike gets Mike; Tiffani goes for symmetry by taking Tiffany ;Spike chooses Carla; and Tiffani rounds out her picks with Tre.

Since Fabio wasn’t picked, he gets to choose which team he wants to be with. He chooses Spike’s teem “becos I wanna peest off Spike.” I can’t help but think that I would’ve taken unqualified glee at this in the past, when I was anti-Spike and pro-Fabio. Now that my feelings on both of them are more layered and complex… it’s still pretty hilarious.

Padma and Joe take off. The chefs have 2 hours to prep Food Flurry 2. Dale L. is happy with their teams because “it’s like all the Spice Girls and their body guard versus all the cool guys and their babysitter Carla.”



It took me about 9 hours from that comment's initial airing to realize that Dale was presumably considering himself one of the Spice Girls and Tre as the bodyguard.

Spike thinks his leadership style will be more fun than Tiffani’s. He tries to prove this by calling Fabio Fabian. Yeah, that’s fun. Casey and Dale L. crunch up the Ritz crackers for the coating, which Casey calls a “Ritz cracker handjob.” Blais compares Tiffani’s station to a “Liquid Nitrogen 101 class,” which he actually teaches. He wishes he was over there to show them how it’s done.

One hour! Dale T. and Angelo giggle about how hot it is when Jen gets in a controlling mode, which we all remember from Season 6. Dale T. likens being on Spike’s team to being asked “to make chicken soup with chicken shit.”

They load up the bags and head for the Museum of Natural History. Yay, dinosaurs! The chefs set up their snacks, and Stephen points out that it will come down to whether the kids want salty or sweet. Spike asks if anyone on his team knows any tricks to impress the kids.

The children invade, which Fabio says is “like madness, you know, is like cows. They jus’ open the cage weeth 300 leetle Tasmanian Deveels.” Spike campaigns to the kids, who don’t much seem to like the chips. Antonia and Jen try to rally the kids to Tiffani’s team. Jamie could not be less interested in kids. We see some kids having what appear to be sugar related seizures. Then they see Padma and freak out. . .

. . .oh wait. They’re freaking out about Joe Jonas. I guess Padma doesn’t have quite the clout with the under 10 set that she might with a more typical Bravo audience.

Joe Jonas conducts an applause-o-meter for the best snack. No one likes the red team’s healthy chips, but they all have happy sugar related seizures about Tiffani’s chocolate thing. She gets immunity and an advantage.

The children then leave, and the chefs are left to clean up the havoc they’ve created. Oh, but wait. Here’s Tom. Their elimination challenge starts. . .now. Stephen is pissed because he just wants to sleep. Commercial.

Tom tells them they’ll be joining the sleepover. They have to create breakfast for the kids and their parents for tomorrow morning, and service will start at 7:30. They’ll cook with what they can find in the museum kitchen. And their dishes must be inspired by the dinosaurs – one team will cook T-Rex food, which will be “meat and meat byproducts, such as eggs and dairy only.” Team Brontosaurus (which should really be Team Apatosaurus, duh Tom) will cook with fruits, veggies, and grains only.

Tiffani gets to choose, and she picks T-Rex. Tiffany thinks that’s a good move. They’ll spend the night in the hall of North American mammals, and one chef from the losing team will be eliminated.

They all head to their cots in the mammal hall. Stephen is not used to this level of discomfort, since his normal accommodations are more Manhattan/loft and less Mammal/cot. Tre is uncomfortable because he’s used to sleeping nekkid, and feels like he can’t. AMERICA WANTS YOU TO BE COMFORTABLE, TRE. Both teams break into pairs for their dishes and make kind of an imaginary wish list of what they’ll make based on what they hope to find.

Some of the chefs batten down for the night while the others – all dudes – go on a flashlight tour. Antonia points out that they’re only sleeping 45 minutes and thinks the dudes are insane . Antonia is totally wrong. As a long term insomniac and veteran of both grade school slumber parties and high school “rock-a-thon” fundraisers, I can say with certainty that you’re better off not sleeping at all than you are trying to sleep when you’re scheduled to wake up in 45 minutes.

On the flashlight tour, Fabio says they “walk throo aneemol corpse and skellyton an’ dinosaurs.” They read about the function of the brain, and Spike opines that the mostly girl team will be working with “sleepy brain” and will lose. Spike and the Natural History Museum are right. They find a Neanderthal that looks like Fabio, and an early woman that Dale L. compares to “Casey in the morning.”

3:44! Morning! Hall of Mammals! Shirtless Tre shakes off his short nap and prepares to cook. Thank you for that, Bravo. They head to the kitchens. 4 a.m. The foods they can use are labled with Brontosaurus and T-Rex tags. Tiffani says she made the assumption that “the carnivore was an omnivore.” But it’s not – it’s meat only. Which is exactly what Tom said when he introduced the challenge, but whatever Tiffani. Way to listen. They can’t even have flour or herbs or acid, and there’s no sausage for Jamie and Jen’s planned Scotch egg.

Carla thinks everything on their team will go well, but she’s worried about Stephen and Fabio’s gnocchi. Jamie cuts her thumb while slicing bacon, and gets sent to the hospital for stitches. Fabio talks about how he broke his finger during his season, but went on. That was a good episode.

Jen is forced to reconceptualize her dish. Tre is trying to get Casey on task. Casey talks about how well she and Tre get along, and how T-Rexes eat Brontosauri, based on Jurassic Park.

I don’t know which way to go with the snark on that comment– part of me wants to congratulate her on using such a scholarly source for her research, while another wants to point out how terrifically timely a Jurassic Park reference is. Judges?

Antonia and Tiffany have issues with their dish. Jen slips on the wet floor. Dale T.’s polenta cake isn’t happening, so they’re just making it as creamy polenta. 18 minutes. Fabio thinks Spike is stirring the gnocchi too aggressively.

9 minutes! Tiffany and Antonia feel good about their dish. Antonia mocks the other team for making gazpacho and gnocchi at 7:30 in the morning. Casey thinks Jen’s pork belly tastes like “wet bacon.” That can’t be good. Time! Commercial!

Back! The chefs go outside to set up their buffet. On Angelo’s orders, Carla starts cutting up Marcel’s plums. “You don’t fuck with someone’s mise en place,” Marcel informs us, and questions Angelo’s intentions.


Jamie returns with two stitches. “That’s it?” Tre says. Dale L. agrees that “2 stitches feels like a cop out. If you’re a real chef, that won’t be an issue.” Jamie is resigned to helping Jen out because she’s her teammate, but “that’s not my dish.” Casey doesn’t have time to taste Tre’s sauce, but trusts that it’s good from tasting it in the kitchen.

Enter the kids and parents, and then later the judges. Gail is the first to say hello to the chefs rather than Padma. Katie Lee, the host from the first season, is the guest Judge for tonight. She is also, importantly, now merely Katie Lee. She is no longer Katie Lee Joel, having divorced her husband, William, and hence can no longer be referred to by her old school Television Without Pity nickname, the Joelbot.

Stephen says it’s a “blast from the past” to cook for Katie Lee again.


Team Brontosaurus introduces their dishes: Dale and Mike I’s Fresh Corn Grits, Stewed Peppers, Salsa Verde; Angelo, Richard, and Marcel’s Banana Parfait with Seasonal Fruit & Tandoori Maple; Spike and Carla’s V9 Gazpacho with Fruits & Vegetables; and Stephen and Fabio’s Potato Gnocchi with Leeks, Spinach & Mushrooms.

The judges take their dishes over to tables that they share with with some unsuspecting kids and sit down. Gail thinks the Polenta dish is really creative. Katie Lee (no longer Joel) thinks the gnocchi has a good flavor. Fabio makes out with an old lady.


One of the children found the gazpacho too spicy, and a museum staffer doesn’t think the pepper mashes. Gail thinks the parfait is beautiful.

Next they head to Team T-Rex, where they’re served Tiffany and Antonia’s Mini Frittatas: Bacon & Cheddar, Ham & Cheese, Chèvre; Tre and Casey’s Salmon with Shrimp & Apple Smoked Bacon Sauce; Jen and Jamie’s Braised Bacon & Hard Boiled Eggs; and Dale L. and Tiffani’s Steak & Eggs with Hollandaise.

One of the children finds Jen and Jamie’s bacon chewy, and Gail agrees. As with wet bacon, no good can come from this description. The sauce on Tre and Casey’s salmon is too salty, and Tom finds some scales or something in his salmon. Katie Lee (no longer Joel) finds her frittatas undercooked. They like Dale and Tiffani’s steak and eggs.

The judges sit back down again. “Hi. How was your breakfast?” Gail says sunnily, followed shortly by Padma’s drawled “what was your favorite?”Oooh, I sense competing hostesses. Gail has totally gotten used to running her own show during the Just Desserts shoot, and is stepping up her game to overshadow the laconic Padma. Take her down, Gail! Take her down like. . .I don’t know. Someone with some knowledge of football could lend me a reference here. It would be helpful.

Commercial. I am so looking forward to the Housewives on The Fashion Show, I just can’t even tell you.

Back. Stew room. The Chefs debate how much of an advantage Tiffani getting to choose really was. Padma enters and calls back Team Brontosaurus. Dale L. thinks their dish choices were off and bizarre. Jen and Dale get into a little tiff about whether it’s better to cook for the judges or the diners. “I think that’s selfish, “ Dale says of Jen’s decision to cook to the judges. “Do you wanna win or do you wanna make the 150 people happy that you’re never gonna see again?” she asks.

Judges table. Padma congratulates Team Brontosaurus on their win. Padma and Tom compliment Stephen and Fabio’s gnocchi. Katie Lee (no Joel) loves the banana dish. The winning dish is. . .the banana parfait.

I will point out here that for all the judges’ insistence later that it didn’t matter that Brontosaurus didn’t make traditionally breakfast dishes, the most breakfast-like thing they produced won. Anyway. Angelo pats himself on the back for winning the first two challenges. Marcel thinks that if there’d been one winner, it would’ve been him.

The Brontosauri call back team T-Rex. The hapless carnivores with their tiny arms and tinier brains enter the judging room. Their nature tells them to fight, but their miniscule intellect leaves them ill equipped to strategize for battle, so they just lash out without purpose or direction. Anyway, Padma tells them their breakfast was their least favorite.

Tiffani explained that she didn’t think the advantage of picking was a real advantage. Tom points out that he said “only” animal products when he introduced the challenge, and that even if that wasn’t a give-away, they should’ve been able to adapt.

Tom says that there were inconsistencies in cooking with the frittatas, and Katie Lee (not Joel) bumps it up and says it was “definitely raw” and “runny when I cut into it.” Her comments in this episode have more character than anything she said in the whole first season. Someone wants her gig back.

Ooooh, three way hostess battle! Caged death match! Katie Lee (not Joel) vs. Padma Lakshmi (not Rushdie) vs. Gail Simmons (not Greene’s Hat)! Only one will survive!

Gail compliments the steak and eggs for flavor, but says it was very basic. Padma calls out Tre for his salty salmon rub.

Jen fidgets and Padma asks why she’s pissed off. Jen says she doesn’t feel like their team deserved to be there, and Tiffani agrees that the other team’s food didn’t feel like breakfast. Tom asks why they didn’t put things on separate plates, and Jen snarks that they’re the judges and should be smart enough to ask for a different dish.

Oh dear. This is not going to go well.

Jen says Jamie’s absence didn’t make a difference, and Antonia calls out Jamie for leaving. Gail says there was an issue of proportion with their dish, and Jen says “I disagree with you.” Tom says the egg was bland and she replies “no way. It wasn’t bland, the egg was seasoned perfectly. The bacon was very strong in flavor.” And vows to “fight to the death” on that issue.

What the hell? Have you – I mean – Seriously, a) has anything like this ever happened on the show before, ever? And b) did anything we saw of Jen in Season 6 give you the impression that she was capable of this sort of epically trainwrecky behavior? Seriously, it’s bizarre, and it’s uncomfortable to watch.

They return to the stew room where Jen cops to having yelled at the judges more than they yelled at them. Dale L. asks if she was like that during her own season. “Absolutely not,” she replies. “Welcome to Jen All Stars.”

Back in the judges table room, Gail is thrown by how angry Jen got. Tom says he doesn’t mind that, and that if someone goes home, they go for making a bad dish, not for talking back to the judges.

They agree that Tiffani and Dale are both safe. Tom had a lot of problems with Tiffany and Antonia’s dish, and Katie Lee (No Longer Joel) says she could’ve found the frittatas “on a hotel buffet or on a cruise ship.” She thought the salmon in Tre and Casey’s dish was good, but Gail says the sauce ‘blew out my palate.”

Tre thinks Jen jumped out in front of the bus. Yeah, that’s pretty much the only way to describe what happened. Gail thinks that the dish Jen described was not the dish she ate, Katie Lee (Not Joel) thinks it was “soft on top of soft on top of soft,” and Tom says the egg was bland, no matter what Jen said.

Then there’s the problem of Jamie, who can’t be credited for the dish’s success or failure. “Where to put her?” Gail wonders, and Padma thinks it must’ve been disheartening to hear her teammate say it made no difference that she wasn’t there. Commercial.

Back. Tom says they know it was a difficult challenge, but they shouldn’t have expected anything else. Tiffani and Dale are set free. Tiffany and Antoina’s dish was inconsistent. Tom admires Jen’s defense of the dish, but it doesn’t make the dish better. Tre’s sauce ruined the dish.

Padma tells. . .Jen to pack her knives and go. She giggles in what I can only assume is either a) a shock reaction or b) pure delight that her plan to get kicked off early and create as much of a mess as possible on her way out has succeeded beautifully. Tiffany and Antonia both say “holy shit.”

Jen thinks her dish was great and that she’s probably going for being too vocal at judges table. “Like my dad has always said, second place is still losing. So I wonder what he’s going to say about second to last.” She feels robbed, and doesn’t think it was right. Then she has a little swearing breakdown when she exits the room. It’s a little scary.

Next Week! Two chefs will go home! It’s going to be pretty brutal! What the fuck is going on! Stephen, I have my own palate. I probably should not have frozen my melons(that’s what she said). Dale had everything but the kitchen sink. . .and then the DVR cut off.