Top Chef All Stars: Flame, Set and Match

Spike got a raw deal
Bland shrimp – worse than not cooking?
It’s not “Top No-Show.”

What a difference a few years make, C-Nuggets.

If you had ever – IF. YOU. HAD. EVER – told me in 2008 that I’d be bummed to see Spike—hat wearing, pube bearded, mankle toothed C-Nugget Spike -- leaving, I would have punched you in the nuts. And if you’d told me that I’d be bummed to see Spike leaving while Jamie – one of my perennial favorites – stayed, I would have punched you in the nuts, pulled your hair, beaten you with a 2x4, taken your wallet while you were down and then kicked you in the chin for good measure.

But. . .

But. . .

It’s not 2008 anymore taintbiscuits. Hells bells, it’s barely still 2010.

And that decision? That was some bullshit.

Let me clarify: I will agree that of the losing dishes on his team, Spike’s was probably the worst. It sounded like the only other real contender was Tre’s, and Tre had immunity.

But how is it – how is it, douchebaskets – that a contestant in a cooking competition who by sheer dumbassed luck ended up not cooking gets a complete pass?

Shouldn’t they have called her back and asked “Jamie, why didn’t you present your dish?” And then what would she have said?”My chickpeas never finished cooking?” “My team wanted me to go first, because they thought I had the worst dish, but I refused, and then we knew the dish wasn’t strong/ready enough to go up against the chefs from the other team, so I kept passing?”

And what kind of reaction would that’ve gotten? In baseball parlance, yerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr out.

(or similarly, couldn’t she have womanned up and gone in with the chefs who were called back, saying “whether the fact that I held my strong dish back kept us from winning one hand, or what I made was held back because it was even worse than the chefs who lost their rounds, either way I’m partly responsible for this loss”? I’d all but guarantee that they wouldn’t send her home for that, and she’d have looked a lot better in the process).

So yeah. I’m bummed that Spike’s out and bummed that Jamie’s still in. Call me Bizarro Jordan (up is down! Black is white! You say hello when you leave, goodbye when you arrive), or call it what it is in the spirit of the season – it’s a Festivus Fucking Miracle. My small heart has grown three sizes toward Spike – yeah, maybe because of artery blockage from too many delicious Good Stuff burgers, but still.

Let’s see how this nonsense all shook out, shall we?

Sticking with this season’s “begin where the last episode ended” theme, we start immediately after the double elimination. The chefs head for a bar and talk about what happened. Casey is sad to have lost her friend and support Dale. Tiffani doesn’t “think the judges got it right” by putting her in the bottom. Dale T. vows to think about the victory, just to move on. Mike I doesn’t care who leaves as long as it’s not him, and thinks his biggest competition is Angelo.

Credits.

The chefs file into the kitchen to see Padma and Top Chef Masters alumni Tony Mantuano. Padma tells them that their quickfire will test their ability to make one of America’s classic seasonal dishes: stuffing.

Tiffani talks about how regional/house/specific stuffing is, which is true when you think about all the possible cornbread/sausage/oyster/etc permutations that get schlepped out on Thanksgiving and Christmas depending on where you are and where you’re from. But anyway, the chefs have to make stuffing, and since that’s too impossibly simple to be a challenge in and of itself, there’s a twist: they can’t use any kitchen tools or their knives.

HA.

But because of that the winner gets immunity AND $20,000. So, not bad for having to shuck oysters with your toes, or whatever other means of coping they come up with.

They have 45 minutes. Food flurry. Casey and Carla stand back from the mayhem, Carla vowing “whatever will be will be”. Ok, Doris Day. Carla is working with quinoa, and Casey plans to do an Asian stuffing.

Fabio tells us that “ask a chef to cook widdout tools, is like to ask to a soor-john to do an open ‘art surgery wit’ only eez feenger.” Then he grates parmesan using the pot rack, which is pretty fucking resourceful, like MacGuyver style resourceful. Ok, you’re winning me back a little Fabio, douchey tweets and all.

(Editor’s note: I wrote that last night. This morning I read his douchey tweets about the episode. Back to finding him thoroughly tiresome)

Tiffani tells us about how her mother makes “Jedi fucking stuffing.” She then butchers a quail with a pepper grinder, which is pretty Jedi in and of itself. Tre says he was in charge of Thanksgiving last year, and his family’s palates weren’t refined enough to accept the food he made.

We see a lot of madness where Tre freezes something with nitrogen to break it apart; someone stirs with an ear of corn; someone else with a large slab of bacon. . .it’s pretty amusing.

Five minutes. Carla is “nailing the sauce” but her black quinoa is undercooked. Time!

Tasting. Padma and Tony start with Casey’s Asian inspired Mushrooms with Crispy Chicken Liver, Miso Cake, Mushroom Dashi. Jamie has made a Crépinette with Pork, Lemon Oil, Broth, which Tony calls “very nice.” Carla presents her “un-done-te” Thai Inspired Vegetable Stuffing with Black Quinoa Salad & Black Caviar, and admits that “this is not a $20,000 dish; this is not even a 20 cent dish.”

They move on to Spike’s Stuffed Quail with Raisins, Herbs, Port & Apricot Glaze. Marcel has made a Whole Squab, Stuffing with Raisin Brioche, Cherries, Currants & Ras El Hanout Gravy. Blais’s is a Pressure Cooked Onion, Nitro Fried Fennel & Parsley, Raisins, Pine Nuts, Peppers, Smoked Mayonnaise. Tre has done a Southwestern Inspired Bread Pudding with Apple Smoked Bacon, Cheddar, Bell Pepper, Chili Powder. Dale T’s is a Spanish Influenced Stuffing with Crab, Oysters, Chili Lemon Aioli, Blistered Tomatoes, Grapes, Olives. Tiffani has made Soy Maple Stuffing with Quail, Grilled Mushrooms & Quartered Grapes. Tony warns her to throw away the pepper mill she used to break down the bird.

Fabio explains the grating technique behind the cheese in his Polenta Bread, Vegetables, Browned Butter, Smoked Bacon & Grated Parmesan.

Tony tells them that his least favorites were Carla’s undercooked quinoa, Tiffani’s overly sweet stuffing, and Casey’s, which came across as a plated appetizer rather than a stuffing.

The top group are Tre’s Southwest dressing and Marcel’s dish, which had a great stuffing and a great bird. And the winner is. . . Tre! Yay!!!! He freaks out. Commercial.

Back! Padma tells them that for their elimination challenge, they’ll be cooking at the home of the U.S. Open. They have to come up and get a tennis ball can, which divides them up into team Orange (Marcel, Blais, Fabio, Antonia, Carla, Dale, and Mike I) and team Yellow (Angelo, Spike, Tre, Tiffany, Tiffani, Jamie, and Casey).

Carla thinks her team is strong, but worries that Fabio will overthink the challenge. Spike is worried that he has no allies on the yellow team.

So they’re serving head to head in a culinary tennis match – the winning dish in each course will get a point; the first team to four points wins.

They have fifteen minutes to plan. Carla wants to do a peanut soup, but Dale T. doesn’t think that’s “high end” enough for the U.S. Open. They go back to the house and separate back into their teams to continue planning. The yellow team plots to put their weakest dish out first to get the orange team to “waste” their best.

Next Day. Whole Foods! 30 minutes. Angelo is planning a smoked fish. Tre talks about how he’s very aware of what he puts into his body. And thank you for that, Tre. Carla believes in her peanut stew even if her teammates aren’t thrilled.

They get to the U.S. Open Kitchen where they have 3 hours to prep. Marcel runs down the list of his teammates , and says he thinks everyone on their team is awesome. Blais plans to make a “Thai-Bouleh” -- a Thai inspired take on tabouleh with lamb. Carla thinks she has an advantage as a runner. Antonia admits that she never played sports in high school; she smoked a lot of pot instead. She’s worried about Fabio making gnocchi, because it’ll weigh the athletes down.

Tiffani runs down the Yellow team roster for those of us who’ve forgotten over the commercial break. Casey is making a tenderloin with fresh cherries and faro. Jamie’s prep is going well, but she’s worried about getting her dried chick peas cooked. Angelo’s mackerel are slimy and gross inside. He asks Tre for some salmon, but Tre doesn’t want to do anything that might help Angelo. He suggests Angelo ask Tiffany for tuna instead. Tiffany hopes it won’t bite her in the behind.

Tom thru! Tom asks Jamie if they’ve discussed strategy yet, but she won’t tell him since the other team is in the same kitchen. Spike and Angelo finally explain it to him when he gets them alone.

One hour left! Carla cuts half her fingernail off. The medics try to talk her into going to the hospital, but she tells them to bandage it up so she can keep going. Dale and Antonia use this as an excuse to talk about what a pussy Jamie was during the museum challenge again.

10 minutes. Spike has fucked up his shrimp, and goes to cook another batch. Time!
They head out to the courts. Marcel says he feels like “a gladiator entering the arena.” Commercial.

Back! The chefs dash around the court getting their prep done. Jamie needs to get her chickpeas cooking. A bunch of tennis fans file in to watch the action. The teams start tasting dishes so they can decide who goes first. Spike thinks it’s clear Jamie should go first since her dish isn’t cooked, and therefore must be the worst in their group.

Padma calls up the first two contestants. Fabio goes first from the orange team, which throws the yellow team off kilter since they figured the orange team would definitely send Blais first. Jamie refuses to go first so she can have more time to cook her chickpeas. Casey finally says she’ll go first. Spike has no idea how it happened, but his strategy has effectively been thrown right out the window.

Padma introduces their guest, Taylor Dent. His job essentially seems to be to provide a fifth vote in case of ties. They start tasting. Fabio introduces his Whole Wheat Gnocchi with Pork Loin Ragout, Caramelized Fennel & Zucchini versus Casey’s Grilled Pork Tenderloin Salad with Farro, Cherries, Sugar Snap Peas & Vinaigrette. Taylor Dent says the gnocchi is fantastic. Padma agrees that Casey’s is heavier and gives her vote to Fabio, and Tom agrees. Fabio gets the first point for orange and loses it Roberto Benigni style.

Dale T. wants to go next because his dumplings are failing. Marcel wishes he’d spoken up earlier, since they’d planned on Marcel going next. Tiffani is next on the yellow team. So it’s Dale’s Edamame Dumpling, Spicy Carrot Froth, Crispy Soy Nut versus Tiffani’s Sashimi of Black Bass, Avocado, Ponzu Vinaigrette.

Gail loves the bass. Padma goes with Dale. Tom opts for Tiffani, and so does Tony. Point to the yellow team; the match is tied.

Third up is Angelo versus Marcel. Angelo has made Smoked Tuna, Yuzu Gelée, Red Onion & Caper (only one caper? Really, interns?). Marcel’s is Cauliflower Cous Cous with Pomegranate Seed, Golden Raisins & Yellow Fin Tuna. Tom, Tony, and Gail all opt for Angelo, and Yellow takes the lead. Marcel is crushed to lose to Angelo because “he always plates on a spoon. Are you fucking kidding me?”

I think I just fell in love with Marcel a little. That's one of those insults that works so perfectly because it says so little, really, but encapsulates everything cheesy and unctuous and more than a little dated about Angelo.

Antonia is next for the orange team, so the yellow team sends Tiffany. Tiffani wishes Angelo would keep his hands out of everyone’s dishes.

Tiffany’s dish is Spiced Tuna with Fennel, Peppercorns, Walnut Sauce, Coriander Seeds & Lentil Salad. Antonia has made a Scallop, Indian Lentil Purée, Mint, Dandelion Greens, Cilantro & Chive. Tony goes with Tiffany. Gail and Taylor go with Antoina. Padma picks Tiffany. Tom is the tie breaker, and chooses Antonia. She and Tiffany hug gracefully before Antonia goes yelling off to celebrate her win.

Next is Blais versus Spike. Spike admits to pissing his pants a little bit at the prospect of going up against Blais. Angelo and Tiffani start to get “very aggressive” about Spike’s dish. Angelo adds yuzu gelee at the bottom of Spike’s bowl. Spike doesn’t know if he can trust Angelo, and says this isn’t the dish he conceptualized.

Like it or not, he presents his Tomato Tamarind Soup, Olive Oil Poached Shrimp, Pineapple, Tomatoes & Dill against Blais’s“Thai-Bouleh”; Lamb with Herbs & Yogurt. Tony says the protein was the downfall in each, but he goes with Blais. So do Padma and Tom (Tom clarifies that he loves Spike’s soup but hates the shrimp).

Match point! It’s Carla for the orange team, and the yellow team is faced with a choice between Tre’s dish and Jamie’s “undercooked beans.” Understandably, they opt for Tre.

Angelo asks Tre if he can do anything for him. He allows Angelo to fire off and cook his fish, which end up a little burned.

Carla introduces her African Groundnut Soup with Baked Sweet Potatoes, Adzuki Beans & Peanuts. Tre has made Salmon, Parsnip Purée, Olive Oil Sauce, Citrus, Tomatoes & Olives. Taylor loves the salmon. Tony opts for the soup. Padma also goes with Carla. Gail also goes with Carla, which gives the orange team the victory. They celebrate wildly.

Spike grouses about the team not following his strategy, but Tiffany thinks the strategy was “STOO-PID!!!” Jamie feels like she dodged a bullet by not even having to cook. Um, yes. Commercial.

Fakeback! It seems to involve some kind of cheerleading challenge, where Mike says “you cheer, she dances, and Angelo will be like the male dancer.” Then they all dance and talk about how Mike brings out the goofier side of them.

Back. Stew room. Mike asks Jamie if she’s upset she didn’t cook. She says “yes and no.” Padma calls back Fabio, Carla, Richard, and Antonia.

They file into the judges’ table chamber (this needs a better name – judges’ chamber of doom? Something). Padma congratulates them for scoring the winning points, and tells them one of them will win a trip to Italy.

Gail says this is some of the best food they’ve been served across 7 seasons. Padma asks Richard about the strategy, and he says their strength was probably not having one. Tony congratulates Carla on her homey but surprising soup. Gail thought Antonia’s dish was beautiful, and Tom praises Blais’s dish. Tony thinks Fabio’s “light gnocchi is a miracle.”

But the winning dish is. . .Carla! Yay! She gets a 5 day 4 night trip and a tour of the Santa Margherita winery. She feels validated. Padma tells them to send in the point losing chefs from the yellow team.

She calls back Casey, Tiffany D., Tre and Spike. Richard tells Jamie “you got a story going now,” and she gets offended, since clearly the thru-line for her story is “Jamie doesn’t cook in every other challenge, but somehow manages to get a pass and stay”.

Padma asks the losing chefs about their strategy, and Spike explains the “worst dish forward” plan. Tom says that strategy clearly backfired since the team thought Jamie’s was worst and she wasn’t here.

Spike explains the changes that Angelo and Tiffani made to his dish. Tony says he had a good soup and too many other hands got involved.

Tom asks Tiffany if based on her experience with him here and in season 7, she thinks it’s possible that Angelo is trying to sabotage people. She gives a non-answer about going on her own instincts instead of someone else’s. Gail rewards her for this by telling her her salad was flaccid, and Tom compares it to wine with no finish.

Tony tells Tre that his overcooked and oily salmon was their least favorite dish. But he’s got immunity, so they don’t spend much time on him.

Padma says that the hearty grain with the pork loin in Casey’s dish was too much of a good thing. Casey gets defensive, but not like Jen levels of defensive. Just normal sticking up for her dish defensive.

They get sent back to the stew room. Spike talks about how he should’ve told them all to back off his dish, and Tiffany reiterates that at the end of the day you’re in control of your own plate.

We cut back to the judges. They question whether Tre phoned it in because he had immunity. They think Spike definitely didn’t need the yuzu; he needed salt. They question whether Casey understood the issues they had with her dish. Tiffany’s dish lacked roundness. Commercial.

Back. Tom says that part of their problem was deviating from their system. Casey gave them a great dish, but went up against a better one. Tre left a main component of his to someone else. Spike’s shrimp was underseasoned, and Tiffany’s tuna was bland.


Padma tells. . .Spike to pack his knives and go. “It was a good run,” he says in the judges’ room, but then he interviews that “I got screwed. “ He thinks that Jamie’s strategy was not to serve her food, and Angelo’s was to screw up other people’s. Spike then offers this trenchant observation: “Listen Jamie, this is a competition and at some point you’re going to have to compete.” True dat, Spike. He still thinks he’s the best of the best, though.

Next: we have to cook head to head against Tom. You can’t come to New York as a food person and not go to Chinatown. I’m a-screwed. Fire everything. I’m embarrassed to call myself a chef.